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From: Linda
Sent: Sunday, September 26, 1999
11:11 PM
Subject: E-Mail Advice
Dear Dr Irene,
My name is Linda and I have been married for almost 24
years. My husband has been severely emotionally abusive
(withholding mostly), verbally abusive: sabotage, insults, etc., and
occasionally physically abusive: mostly pushing & shoving.
We
have managed to have a few good memories in between all this, as well as
three beautiful and intelligent kids ages 20, 15 and 12. The 20-year
old is away at college. We have also been in and out of counseling
several times for the past 20 years. Recently when we both began Abuse
Counseling through the local Abuse Counseling center. He joined a
men's group for a 29-week program and I go for individual counseling and
also a women's group to understand what's going on better.
The problem now is, the more
"enlightened" I get, the angrier I get, as well as completely
intolerant of absolutely any abusive treatment he gives me, which is
literally daily in one form or another.
I've been reading almost
everything on your site - and thanking God for you by the way - and it
has really been a God send! I'm still very confused about my
feelings, however. Of course you are! All indications are he will probably never
change - not much at least. Along with his men's group he also
joined a generic Christians in Recovery 12 Step group plus he still sees
the counselor we used to see together every other week. (I've been
advised not to continue couples counseling.) Sure.
You each have to pull it together individually before there can be a
healthy union.
However, it seems he is just
"going through the motions" for show, as his words and actions
show little goodwill towards me. I feel totally disrespected most
of the time. I told him I feel I am "disposable" to him
and he said that's not true. He knows I am at a point
where I no longer want to hear insincere apologies or empty promises so
he's not saying anything. Better you get no apologies than empty ones. As far as
him going through the motions for show, let it go. It won't help to
judge him; you don't know where he is. Even if he is making real
progress, don't expect his old tendencies to drop out so fast. Just
remain focused on your own experience, specifically, the experience you
bring up now, of being disrespected. That is not OK. If you feel
"disrespected," tell him. If you feel "disposable,"
tell him. Also tell him that he is in no position to tell you whether or
not your experience is true. Tell him, if he is interested in his own
recovery, that he needs to ask you how it is that you feel disrespected
or disposable! Tell him that his recovery as well as any hope for
a future together rests on his ability to be able to come out of his own
self long enough to be a partner. If he doesn't get it or remains
abusive, tell him and just walk away. No sense getting upset. You can
bring a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.
The email you have posted regarding "Keeper of the Truth" really hit
home with me, as I have been pushing hard with the attitude your other
guest was expressing. Your reply has made me think, however.
Of course. You are
at such an angry place in your life right now... But, don't get confused
with advice given to an angry person.
I get so confused
between standing up to him and holding him accountable for his
disrespectful words and actions and just walking away or ignoring him.
I have read the books by Patricia Evans and right now I feel totally
overwhelmed by it all. I am devastated by the loss of my
"dream", knowing now that's all it ever was, even though he
would say he wanted it too...(happy, Godly family). If I am reading you correctly, you are asking whether or
not you should tell him the truth about how you feel at the expense of
hurting his feelings. Yes, sort of. Yes because you have been his victim
all your married life and yes because you have always been too concerned
about his feelings, at your own expense. Sort of, because you do yourself
a dis-service just to mouth off angrily the way he has. I think the best
solution, is to be assertive: 1. Recognize exactly what your
feelings are and what you are so angry at, 2. Do Nothing until you calm
down and have had time to think about what you want to say, and 3. Tell
him. Be straight, to the point, without anger. Note: Your concern is not
his feelings; your concern is for your own self-respect. (How good do
you feel about yourself after you've blown a fuse?) Read some books on
assertion training to speed things
You can't
go wrong being assertive whether you are the victim or the
abuser...assertive behavior (i.e., honest but respectful) is be the goal
for both!
I guess I'm wondering if you have any thoughts on how much time I should
be willing to give him now that he can no longer hide (as much) from the
real truth of how he's treated me. He's had a huge dose of reality
in the past few months and I can't tell which way the pendulum is
swinging, if you know what I mean. I'm not sure I know
what you mean. But it doesn't matter, and I do have thoughts. The fact
is that you are angry at his past and present abuse. I am glad you are
waking up. However, in the heat of emotion and confusion, now is
not a good time to make "big" decisions. I suggest you wait
until you chill out a bit, no longer feel overwhelmed with all that you
are learning, and have begun to be assertive with him before you decide
what you should do. After all, you are separated! Meanwhile, don't take
any abuse when you see him. Call it for what it is, then walk away.
Don't expect an instant positive reaction. If he is to have one, he will
need time to consider what you have said.
Again, I am truly grateful for all the information
you have painstakingly put together on this site. God Bless you
for "being there". Sincerely - Linda
Thank you and God
Bless you too Linda, Dr. Irene
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