posting in black) Since you were the one to mention silence on the
board/fear of offending you there was one thing I did want to mention.
Not about the Steve stuff, but about the "yukky
reader comment" (who said some negative stuff about Dr. I's
supposed "big ego") - I think you meant the comment was yukky,
not the reader, right? Neither. I don't think the
reader or the comment per se is yukky. What is yukky (i.e., sad
and disempowering) is that the reader buys into his or her irrational
underlying thinking process. That irrational underlying thinking governs
the readers thoughts, feelings and behavior. This person thinks they
have to remain silent for fear they will be blasted or whatever else it
is they are afraid of. They have essentially put themselves behind bars.
The reader feels helpless and out of control and doesn't realize that
the only reason s/he feels helpless and out of control is because s/he
chooses to feel that way! Because the reader is mistakenly
convinced that the size of my ego is a factor in whether or not s/he can
open their mouth. The reader therefore blames me (i.e., gives me their
power) for his or her inability to speak! The Ouchhh! is that the reader
is creating his or her own pain but thinks that the yukkiness comes
from outside (me)!
The reader feels helpless and is trying to make me responsible for his
or her feelings of helplessness, when in fact the reader is creating his
or her own yukkiness. I have zero to do with it!
The significance of all this:
Not taking responsibility for the self, giving away your personal power
and learning not to do same is what this site is all about and is what I
am trying to teach all my readers not to do because it messes with your
life. The reality is that reader can "say" whatever s/he
wants. The worse thing I am likely to do is disagree and perhaps point
out why. I don't come zooming out of cyberspace to chop off the hand
that typed rotten things about either me or the size of my ego.
What the reader is making themselves afraid of is how they are
going to make themselves feel if I say something that I see as
truthful, which they are probably defending against seeing because it is
experienced as an Ouchhh!
My big ego: Has
anybody noticed that I haven't defended the size of my ego, or taken the
letter as personally offensive, or not printed it because it pointed out
a "fault", etc., etc.? This is exactly the lesson I am trying
How I feel about my big ego:
I don't have one, even though I do (though it is no bigger or smaller
now than before); either way, I don't give it much thought because it
really doesn't matter. The point is that I am not identified with my
ego. If somebody blasts the size of my ego, I am OK with being
blasted. I can understand how the reader can feel my ego is too big; I
can understand the reader's intimidation, though it saddens me. I would
like the reader to take their power so they are not intimidated,
but I can't do that for them. That the reader thinks my ego is bigger
than it was before is of no consequence to me, but I know it is of
consequence to them. I know this individual does not understand
personal responsibility, and that is sad.
This reader's letter, how they feel, their intimidation, how what they
see as my big ego affects them, etc. is all about them - and has
absolutely nothing to do with me - because I have no real power over
them. Though, since I am given the power to validate, I could validate
more. And I do when I have to - but I use validation sparingly since
it is no more than a form of manipulation I use to help people past
hurdles in their lessons. I'm pretty clear, I think, in pointing out
is invaluable early on, but later in recovery, validation is just a
place to get stuck in - for "victims" as well as
"abusers" by the way. Can you see how powerful
validation is - and in the "wrong" hands has the potential to
be very destructive? If you need validation, you have opened
yourself up to being manipulated by anybody who knows how to massage
your ego! Yikes!
How this relates to Steve and
everybody else out there: I
am asking Steve, the reader, and the others out there, to consider doing
the same thing I'm doing: Essentially, to stop bouncing off other
people, giving them the power to hurt you, or to require they
(codependently) behave a certain way in order to protect your feelings -
by massaging your ego.
I didn't want this to be interpreted as more
defensiveness on my part by mentioning/asking about it. I also didn't
feel the need to come to *your* defense, because the comment just simply
doesn't fit IMO. Thanks Asha for cluing me
in on what's going on out there. I had assumed that my comments to the
reader were understood. I guess only in my head. This is not the first,
or the last time, I will live in the clouds. I will email the writer of
that letter to come take a look at this explanation too.
All this is extremely important
stuff. Please, do not hesitate to ask questions, Asha and everybody else
who has any.
In fact, this stuff is so important,
it gets a board: Comments anyone?