The Doc's Answers 6
Tuesday, September 25, 2001
05:57:48 AM
Hi Dr. Irene, No question but wanted to help out on the board crisis,
but don't have a Yak username
Best wishes Ben Mohamed (aka Ziggy). Wow Ziggy. Thank you
so very much for your support! You guys are the best! Doc and Trubble
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Wednesday, October 03, 2001
02:27:38 AM
Dr. Irene, After doing some extensive research on NPD, I am almost convinced that I have been dealing with a classic Narcissist. My cousin and business partner, Jason, had moved down to help me with a music project 3 years ago and has never left since. In this time, he somehow managed to pressure me into starting a record label, and managing my band. Before he arrived, I had a steady job as a computer programmer and attended a music conservatory. I had a beautiful girlfriend and a confident, loving, and empathetic nature. During the course of these three years, I have slipped into major depressions and severe anxiety disorders. I became completely embittered, hypersexual, abusive and neurotic. I lost my 5 year girlfriend, plenty of jobs, friends, and most importantly my self worth. Sure. You were acting out/ reacting.
After I had abandoned him, the battle seemed to just begin. Constantly questioning myself and others, it has been hard to become a normal person again. I feel that I may have become a narcissist as well. Is it possible to regain my true compassionate, artistic character? And although I still feel responsible for letting someone else control my life, How do I mend broken relationships and explain to people what I've been through? Thanks, Chad
Dear Chad,
You spend tons of energy doing "extensive research" on NPD while you blame your cousin for causing the downturn in your life. Stop with Jason. Start with Chad. Use your energy to correct within yourSelf your own acting out problems. You apparently reacted to Jason and perhaps behaved in ways that caused you to lose your girlfriend, etc.
If he's the narcissist, you're the codependent, more interested in evading your own issues by focusing on stuff outside the Self. There is no power here Chad. The only real power any of us have is the ability to change ourselves by aligning how we conduct ourselves with Who We Are.
You ask: "Is it possible to regain my true compassionate, artistic character?" Absolutely! You cannot "lose" the Self, you can disregard it's message. Your mind and runaway emotions can confuse you and put you on the wrong path. It is up to you to choose to hear the internal whisper and follow it, despite your emotional reactions.
Have you become a narcissist? Well, unless you had narcissistic features before, you can't become somebody you are not. You can however, out of your anger and outrage, assume some of the traits of the individual you allowed to hurt you. This is essentially what I refer to as "victim rage." (There's lots written on that in the Victim Section.) Just notice and hear your body talking. "Get" the message and do what you must. It is a trap to stay here too long and dwell.
Don't worry about getting others to understand right now. That's more stuff outside the Self you can't control. Worry instead about finding the Self by noticing what's going on inside while not reacting behaviorally to it. That is the only fundamental task. All else is secondary.
You are in a better place now, even though it doesn't feel that way. You are questioning yourself. You were confused before, when you thought it was OK to allow yourself to misbehave in response to another person's actions. While questioning yourself feels confusing, doing this eventually clears the confusion.
Again: stay internally focused while keeping reacting to a minimum. Make connecting with the Self your overriding goal.
Some reading:
 | Wherever You Go, There You Are : Mindfulness Meditation in Everyday Life by Jon Kabat-Zinn |
| The Seat of the Soul by Gary Zukav |
| Carter-Scott's If Life is a Game, These are the Rules |
Hang in there. Doc
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Wednesday, October 10, 2001
11:44:57 PM
Dear Doc,
I've been married 10 yrs, no kids, separated from my husband for 1 yr though we're still seeing each other and having sex. Why? We're both in our late 30s and fulltime professionals. I'm trying to decide whether to stop seeing him. Trying to decide? Sounds like your body is saying "no" and your mind doesn't like the message!
Some background: I come from a very dysfunctional family (emotional chaos and neglect, ANGRY father, distant mother, manipulative grandmother, molest). I've been in recovery from codependency for a few mths. I always gravitated towards charming, self-centered and emotionally unavailable men, like my husband. My husband's family is achievement-oriented, image/status-conscious, controlling mother, distant father. Immediately after marriage, we moved to 2 different countries for his career. Over the years, he became increasingly absorbed in his work, striving to establish himself (I believe he's now a work addict). I was so focused on his problems, trying to support and please him so he wouldn't be angry that I completely lost myself (codependency in full bloom). I became resentful of him and fearful for our future.
After 8 yrs abroad, we came home in 1998. Again, he had a hard time at work. He blamed me because he felt he'd sacrificed himself by coming home for my career (not true - it was a joint decision). I finally discovered he was having an affair at work. There had been emotional dalliances before that and also during our subsequent separation. At his request, I stayed, but there was no effort on his part. I tried to be the perfect Christian wife, but after 1 yr, we separated (mutual decision).
The separation has been a good time for me to discover myself - therapy (first for marriage crisis, now for personal growth and recovery), spiritual growth, reading, websites such as yours, a codependency support grp, taking care of myself. Excellent! We still have major unresolved issues. Faithfulness and honesty are essential to me, but he says he likes to flirt, it's genetic but it's also his low self-esteem, complete honesty is not possible etc. YUK! His major grouse is that he can't stand the way I handle my career (e.g. I don't do enough research and publish like him, I don't follow all his advice). No, you do what feels right for you, as you should. I'm fairly successful in my career, by most standards, though not world-famous.
He admits he wants to dominate me and the solution is that I must give in. When I asked him recently whether he loved me, he said sometimes he felt like he did, but not when I'm ____ (hardhearted, inconsiderate, lazy etc.), followed by specific instances. I used to want to save this marriage at any cost, but I've changed my mind. Good! I'm not getting anything out of this, other than having a negative stimulus to personal growth. I'm working on my own issues like low self-esteem, developing boundaries, family of origin stuff, and his constant putdowns, controlling and outrageous beliefs are difficult for me to handle. I'm not even sure anymore why or whether I really love him or if this is the hopeless infatuation of a love addict. I don't feel safe with him. Not good... There's got to be more to marriage than just fending off his control and criticism, one-way giving and no receiving.
My therapist is a little alarmed because he asked me to consider divorce as an option, and feels like he may be a little responsible (?) for my change of mind, together with all the "pop psychology" I'm reading (he's a little disdainful). I think it's great that your therapist and your reading opened your mind to the myriad of options available to you. I would be concerned too if I were your therapist because all I would want to do is to open your mind, not act because I think it's a good idea. I want to do God's will, but I don't believe anymore that God's will is so simplistic as "Divorce is wrong, pray and claim your marriage's healing". My therapist says I shouldn't be impatient and wait several more mths/yrs for my husband to catch up in his own growth. I do agree that he needs to do that before we can begin to work on us. I think your therapist is wise is suggesting you do nothing, but for different reasons. The longer you "sit with it" and "do nothing about it," the clearer it all becomes. I don't think your husband need be part of the picture at all; this is about you! It's YOUR LIFE!
I just don't know whether he will ever - maybe the situation's too comfortable for him. Recently, he started seeing my therapist (his decision) but stopped after a few sessions, although both he and the therapist had said they were pleased with the progress. He then refused my suggestion of joint counseling and instead suggested one week for discussion and "decision-making". I'm skeptical that this will come about - anyway, what could be resolved in 1 week? My question is whether I should continue indefinitely what I'm doing now (seeing him, working on myself, give him time to work on himself), or whether I should press the one-week discussion, which would probably result in us not seeing each other more? I don't want to control him or be a passive reactor anymore. Thanks for the website - it helps a lot. Jen. Jen, my position, echoed numerous times throughout the site is to take care of yourSelf first. Everything else follows. In answer to your questions, "... whether I should continue indefinitely what I'm doing now (seeing him, working on myself, give him time to work on himself)" is: Take each day at a time. Pay attention to your body. If you don't want to see him, don't. If you do, go ahead. You'll learn even more by paying attention to how you feel afterwards. "... whether I should press the one-week discussion, which would probably result in us not seeing each other more?" Well, now I understand your therapist's concern. You want an answer to such an important question from a stranger? Jen, do nothing. You need to sit with it and simply pay attention to your body. You are the only one who can decide what is right for you! Believe it or not, all the answers truly are inside... Join us in the CatBox (no longer exists) or here at Trubble's Yak. I'm sure you'll get lots of feedback there! No answers, I hope, but more stuff to get you thinking, and lots of support. Good luck to you, Doc.
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Sunday, October 21, 2001
12:53:51 AM
Hi-- I have recently found this site and have a huge concern. I'm not sure if I was the victim or abuser!!! (maybe both?) So many people feel the same way! That's because when we stop to look at our behavior, if we are honest, we find that we reacted to our partner. Either way, I know I need help so this is my first step. Some examples: My ex (I asked him to leave 2 months ago) always said that I verbally abused him, that I was crazy, that I was paranoid. He didn't need to answer my questions because it didn't matter what he said, I would find a problem with it. In my mind, his answers were always non-committal, if not "none of your business."
The strange number on his cell phone was none of my business. He's angry with you and covertly getting back. Or, something's up. Otherwise, he would just tell you what the number is. He would often walk away from me as I was talking and I would go into a rage. You reacted to his covert tactics. Wonder what would have happened had you just let him walk away without taking it personally because you recognize he's got a problem?
One time I grabbed his shirt because he walked away without answering me. Again, he dissed you - and you bought into it. He, in turn, knocked me to the floor and slammed my head down several time "in self defense". NO! Not OK! He went way too far and you cannot permit anybody to cross your boundaries in such a crude way! This is where I get confused--I know I was wrong to grab his shirt, so I feel like I did instigate the mess. He incited you by walking away; you engaged and grabbed his shirt; he engaged and got violent. You're both guilty of engaging, what I call "bouncing off other."
During my second pregnancy, he stopped speaking to me because I didn't think it was a good time to get another dog (I was 7 months along). I asked if we could wait until summer he said no. He promised to take care of it. I gave in and the dog destroyed our new couch and all the carpets. Every time the dog made a mess and he didn't clean it up (puppy peed on our bed several times), I would yell and scream, and he said I was hysterical. You were hysterical, but for good reason. I know I handle my anger poorly. I'm very confused. I'm not.
Seems like hubby is constantly inciting you and you react, giving him reason to incite you more. Who knows where it starts, you're both out of control. Don't worry about who is the abuser; you are both behaving abusively. Your vision will clear when you learn to disengage and stop reacting to his junk.
There is no problem with your anger per se; you should be angry! It's what you DO with it, your behavior that is the problem (for him too). Learn to pay attention to your anger without reacting to it. As you clean up your act, you'll be in a better position to understand what role each of you have been playing.
There's lots of reading you can on the site and there are many excellent books on the Book Shelf to help you. I'd start with The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life by Albert Ellis. Good luck! Thanks.
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Monday, November 12, 2001
10:47:46 AM
Background: I live with a very subtle emotional abuser - most likely very narcissistic. I submitted before with my story from what was going on two years ago, which has changed to covert stuff. My twelve year old daughter just came to live with me after a blow-out with her dad - the final straw in a long list of things that have been happening to her. Her almost 17-yo sister moved two years ago to live with her (different) dad, and has dropped out of school, been unable to keep a job, totaled her car (which she never paid for because she couldn't keep a job long enough to pay back her dad), probably is knowingly participating in her bf's robberies - even her dad has been robbed 3 or 4 times, most likely by her friends because her stuff is never taken.
Anyway, this child was never responsible - always shirked homework and placed blame on everyone but herself for her problems. (It's her dad's or my fault that she can't go anywhere now, even though she wrecked her car, etc.) Ok, so when I asked (current) h if he minded having a 12yo, he shrugged and walked out of the room. Asked again later, he said, it will be $800/month for us. Two days later he said that I had not consulted with him before making the decision. Also wanted to comment that I had to do it all rushed - she could have gone home, and we could have done her school transfer, etc at our leisure. Out the other night, 12yo and I goofing and happy, H withdrew and sulked all night. Later said he felt like it was the girls' club all over again. Been talking (he has been pressuring me to use a credit card) about purchasing a computer and being online. Currently have a MAC with no online service. (I get on using work line) So, I suggest we get a computer for ourselves for Christmas, put the MAC up in 12-yo's room and set up the new one downstairs for us.
His comments later are what I'm trying to figure out and need more than just my perspective on: He said that we never would let older D online - why are we letting younger, when we said older was too young? These are reasonable question, though probably coming from the wrong place given his behavior. (In "quotes" I'll add some comments to get you away from defending yourself...) Also why did we let her keep the pager that her dad gave her when we didn't want older D to have pager? "Because I feel OK about her having a pager and because I want to be able to reach her." He felt that there was a double standard and that I was bending over backwards to make younger D want to stay. "And, why wouldn't I want my kid to want to stay! My reply at the time was to point out again that younger D kept up with her responsibilities, and was a good student. Also when older was home, we didn't have money for things like online service and a new computer. All true and OK, but you're leaving out that of course you want her with you. I went upstairs to "sit with my feelings" GOOD!, and came up with the following, which I wrote down: I resent that you are trying to undermine my efforts to let younger D feel comfortable here. Good! "She's my daughter. I expect you to Realize we are a family and the obstacles you create hurt all of us, including our marriage!" There should be no comparisons between older and younger because they are completely different in values and sense of responsibility. "I refuse to make comparisons between 2 children who are not comparable."
We have talked for months about a computer and online service, this purchase is something that you wanted, not something for younger D. Suggestions, or insights??? I really would like to know what is motivating this attack, or if it is just my perception is off. I think your perception is right on. It's hard being a step; feels like you're the one on the outs (not untrue!). I would expect him to have competitive feelings, resentment, fear, etc., especially since this move was not something he expected. I would also expect him to be unable to express or even recognize these very normal feelings. Nevertheless, he's acting out.
| This is not about internet connections and computers. |
| Don't get stuck defending this stuff. |
| The bottom line is that this is your child and your primary obligation is to her. |
| He is your partner who married you for better or for worse and who therefore has an obligation to support you in your moral and ethical obligations, as you would him. |
| Never forget this is your daughter, and while he may make suggestions, you cannot allow him to discipline your daughter or to set "the rules." (If kids resent parental discipline, imagine how they feel about step-discipline!) |
What you might say to him: "I'm so upset that you are not supporting me in my efforts to have my daughter close to me. Why? Are you concerned about the expense? Are you concerned that she will take up too much of my time and energy? Perhaps not leaving enough for you? Let's talk about your objections. I wouldn't be thrilled if the tables were turned, but what is - is.
"Let's talk about the fact that we are married adults and "stuff happens" in life. I don't expect you to love my child; I do expect you to love me enough to support me in what I ethically must do. I expect you to be my partner - and not put me in a position where I have to choose between my husband and my child. (If he counters with how about his feelings, reply with, "Of course I care about your feelings... But we are the adults. She is the child. I have an obligation to her, and as my husband, you have an obligation to me.")
"Don't you realize that the fears, resentments, feelings of competitiveness, etc. are expected under the circumstances? Don't you see that we will all emerge stronger if you support me in what you know I must do in the way I must do it? Don't you know I will love you even more for supporting me in my God-given obligation to my child? (And if he says something like, you didn't take that obligation seriously before, you say, "Yes, but I learned and I do now." ) Don't you realize if you undermine me, you undermine our partnership and the love between us? Don't you realize that of course there will be bumpy roads ahead, but I love you, and we can work together to make this work and strengthen our bond..."
Perhaps you are married to a selfish kid. Nevertheless, the issues are real, and he may respond to limits and direction. There are many good books on the market as well as internet resources for blended families. Check some of this stuff out...