The Doc's Answers 5
Tuesday, August 07, 2001
12:29:37 PM
Dr. Irene, I've been visiting this site now for a year and have finally decided to write you. I've been married for almost 4 years but, have been with him off & on for 14 years. Looking back life with him wasn't always great but, I was in love. I slowly started to realize what type of person he really is after we got married. He is very selfish and immature. We bought a house after we were married & starting trying to conceive a child. Every weekend he had his friends up to the house or our camp. I don't smoke; they all do. So they went on the porch. I stayed inside while they laughed, smoked cigarettes & pot (even once we had the baby - I was like the little woman staying in & taking care of the child). I finally got pregnant & he didn't seem interested. I had to ask him to touch my belly when the baby moved, During delivery he complained how tired he was. My mom told him to leave if he couldn't handle it. :)
The baby arrives: I'm taking complete care of him. He took care of the house. He thought he was helping me, which he was but, I kept telling him I was exhausted & needed help with the baby - nothing. I felt he was put out to take the baby so I could go to the bathroom or shower. We then started doing nothing at all but stay home. I know with a new baby it's tough. For 4 months I told him our relationship is in danger. Please, we need to do things, I need help, I needed emotions from him. You don't "need" his emotions, though it would be nice to have a more interested partner. Do his friends always have to come up here? Nothing, he goes in basement to smoke pot.
I had an affair with a wonderful man. Unfortunately, he is married. The connection we felt/feel is unbelievable. It wasn't about sex to us , it was just being with each other - talking, anything. The affair was found out by both spouses. My h started emotionally blackmailing me with threats of suicide in the back yard, to ignoring me if I didn't have sex with him. Seems to me you have enough of your own problems to deal with that you don't have the energy to worry about his suicidal gestures or sex drive. Just so angry (justified, but so angry). I asked him to go to counseling - nothing.
I left him last year at this time. I couldn't take the abuse any more. We have tried several times to get back together. I told him I need to have him show me he loves me. That has been our problem, he never did anything for me - I never felt loved by him. Writing this it seems so petty - but, it's hard to express the desperation I felt. I felt like we just lived together & had sex because if I didn't, he'd be mad. That's what went on in your marriage. What would you have done had you not had sex and let him make himself angry? These are the issues you have to deal with internally. You don't know how to be your own person yet. He is still angry- won't go to counseling. We argue all the time. He says I have to show my feelings for him. I try in my way, but all he wants is sex. I tell him I don't want sex with him right now - I want to work on a relationship with him. He doesn't understand - I'm his wife, why can't we just love each other again. If he loved me shouldn't he be able to show it? Whenever we try working on us, it seems like I'm the one that has to do all the work, & when I bring that up - he says he shouldn't have to change - I married him for him right? Marriage is a partnership; a two-way street. He's saying, "You married me knowing how I am, and you didn't mind; you always did for me. Now you want to change the agreement. It's not the deal we had." You need to say, "Yes. That is true; I've changed my mind."
Well, I'm asking him to grow up & be responsible. I haven't seen child support since 11/00. Everything has to be when it's convenient for him - taking his son, coming over to see me, calling me. I feel so guilty for hurting him, I've made peace with myself with the affair, I feel guilty about possibly ending the marriage, which he is very good at enhancing that guilt. Well he's really got you between a rock and a hard place. His way or no way, and you feel guilty when you move towards no way. You are letting him trap you, and you don't have to. How do I stop feeling guilty? I think you need counseling. Now the guy I had the affair with is back in my life. We talk, as friends, but, there could always be more if we let it. He's still married, not in love with her but, stays for the same reasons of guilt. I have two men who say they love me. The one I'm married to, I don't think he really does, I think it's the history & the comfort that he felt with me - as well as the financial security he had with me. The other, will never leave but, I love so much - I'm afraid he'll end up leaving her or vice versa & I'll have missed out on what I could of had with him If I meet someone else. I guess I don't know what I'm asking of you other than - what do I do now? Nothing. Where do I go from here? Inside. I get so sad sometimes - my whole life I've only wanted to have a love in my life & have a happy marriage. I'm going to be 30 and feel like I have to start my whole life all over again. Thank you for any advice you can give me. "gwen" Dear Gwen, you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. But you are defining yourself via your partner and you are not able to stand on your own feet emotionally. I say "do nothing" because you cannot make good choices when you are not living for yourSelf. I say "go inside" because that is where You live. All the answers you seek are there, but you don't know how to access that space now. Counseling will help you center and find out who you are. Leave all relationships on "pause" for a while and deal with the most important relationship of all: with the Self.
So your goal is to establish a relationship with you. Get counseling and take a look at the Book Shelf, especially in the codependency section; see what draws your attention. I hope this helps... Doc.
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Monday, August 13, 2001
06:18:49 PM
Dear Dr. Irene,My husband gets very angry with me over nothing and sometime calls me a "c$#t". I find this very hurtful and have told him that I will file for divorce next time he does this. Be careful not to make threats you're not willing to follow through on. (Like the boy who cried, "Wolf.") He says that I do not listen to him. I say that no matter what I have done, it does not warrant this name calling. You are absolutely correct! Refuse to get sidetracked over your not listening to him and refuse to defend yourself over anything at all. The objective is no name calling (or other yukkiness). Your posture has to be along the lines of, "There will be no talking, no negotiation, no anything unless you treat me respectfully." He'll say, "You are not a wife blah blah..." You say, "There will be no talking, no negotiation, no anything unless you treat me respectfully." Can you see why this is called the "broken record" technique? (And, of course do your best to be respectful yourself, hard as it may seem.)
Our marriage counselor is not really helping. As a matter of fact, he is making it worse. I wish you had said a little about why you think so. We went to a female counselor and she threw my husband out of the session. Really! What can I do to put an end to this? Clearly, no matter what you do, you are going to need support to do it. You've already tried marital counseling, and for one reason or another, it's not worked. OK. Next step.
Why don't you return to the female counselor alone? Clearly she saw something going on. Attending counseling with him assumes you two are "working on it." From what you say, hubby can't or won't "work on it" right now. By seeing her (or another counselor who understands abuse) alone, you are making a clear statement (that you don't even need to verbalize): "I need to figure out what I am going to do because this is not OK! Despite your words, you are not interested in fixing this unless it goes your way. I don't want you in counseling with me."
And go! Also, find a support group to attend (call your local domestic violence agency for a referral). By going alone, not only are you sending him a strong message, you are reclaiming your power and are changing yourself - instead of wasting your energy trying to change him. I am ready to leave the situation because I am miserable after seven years of marriage. That's good! But please, get yourself some support first. The more, the merrier. You'll be less likely to fold prematurely later if you can bolster your resources now. Good luck to you!
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Wednesday, August 15, 2001
03:04:38 PM
I don't know what to do. I've been married for 20 years. Was 19 when I met him, a year or so after my father was killed suddenly. Ouchhh! I married him, moved from my hometown to his, where his family maintains a business. It seemed fine at first...he would yell off and on, but I never thought too much about it.
But when I decided to go back to school and get my nursing degree, I had to practically beg and cry to get his support and permission to go. But, I did it. After getting away from the home environment, I began to notice how he'd yell at the kids.. degrading things.. not just your typical "DON'T DO THAT" kind of thing. And at me too.
I talked to other people, and realized that perhaps I was in a verbally abusive relationship. He laughed it off at first, or said it was just cause "I made him" that way. In the business we run, public opinion is very important. So a lot of things are more based on 'what will people think' rather than "what is best for us" kind of thing.
He says he loves me, and all that, but frankly, I can't respond in kind. Our kids are 18 and 14. I did have a lot of things happen in the last year or so. My beloved grandma died, shortly after that my mother died suddenly, then my best friend. I really want to move back to my hometown where I have family, and am toying with the idea of taking over my family 's business. It's wonderful to have options! I feel like I let my life and past get swallowed up in his. He can be so nice, but he flies off the handle so easily at the kids and at me.
He tries to control our daughter, who is dating a black man *we are white* and this isn't going over very well. He's more concerned about what will everyone think. That he's intolerant. Giggle! I'm trying to accept whatever she wants because it is her life and not mine. Good for you! She has since moved out with a girlfriend and has her own place. So she is essentially on her own, somewhat.
I just can't quite pin it down. We seem the perfect couple on the outside, but inside my stomach hurts and I just want him to move out. When I mentioned this, he said the only way we'd leave would be in body bags. He can only speak for himself. Then he said that he wished I had died instead of my best friend when I told him I was thinking of leaving. That's a rotten thing to say, though the translation is along the lines of "I couldn't stand it if you left." (He really thinks he can't, though he can.) I don't know what to do. I feel wishy-washy and I hate that. Well, I can't help you there, but I can tell you that your body is telling you to sit with it, despite the discomfort, and examine the leaving option more. The only way to be certain is when you are certain. I have the means to support myself, so that isn't a problem. I suppose the kids would be ok if I left. My daughter really gets fed up with how her dad treats her sometimes too. His father is also very verbally abusive to my mother in law. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells. Think about stopping the eggshell bit. I suppose he does too, since he knows I maybe have one hand on the door knob. Then perhaps he's ready to "talk." But don't "talk" until you know exactly what you want to say about the problems you have with his behavior as if affects you and anger you feel over his behavior and lack of support in the past. Anyway I've exceeded my word allotment, I think. any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Sit with the idea that perhaps leaving is the way to go. Pull a viable plan together - just in case you decide to go. You can always opt out, but thinking along these lines will empower you. You need to set clear and firm limits with hubby re: his behavior; your body is clearly telling you what you don't like. It's not OK when he steps into your space uninvited. He needs to hear how you feel about some of his behavior.
Have you been to counseling alone or together? Go! You may want to start alone - to clarify your feelings - before inviting him to join you. Two good books to read: The Verbally Abusive Relationship to identify what's going on and The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life to figure out what to do about it. Good luck to you both. Doc.
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Friday, August 17, 2001
02:57:12 PM
Dear Sirs, Did I have a sex change I don't know about? Giggle - couldn't resist...I have finally realised I am a verbal abuser. OK, I'll get serious now: Excellent! You are on the road to claiming your life. It took my wife to leave for me to come to terms with what I was doing. Yes, unfortunately, that's too often what it takes to "hear" your partner.
I have read all your articles, and they describe my profile, and behavior. Currently I am in contact with professional counsel, and a spiritual counselor. Excellent! I will also be attending a 12 hour session on "Anger Management and Beyond". Again, excellent! After the session, practice, practice, practice! This stuff doesn't just "happen." You have to impose it and make it the new habit.
My wife has left for overseas I'm sorry..., back to her homeland, and she too is seeking professional help. She has not committed to coming back, and wants me to not talk to her or email her. She wants to recover. My difficulty is what to do. Respect her wishes. Tolerate your discomfort with the lack of contact and with your inability to "show" her the progress you are making.
Other than the counseling I am receiving, and my hard effort in correcting this problem, what should I be doing in terms of communication with my wife? Nothing right now. Just do everything in your power to make yourSelf the best Self you can possibly be.
I truly want her to recover, and give me an opportunity to correct my problem, with the two of us together again. Thank you for your help, Ernie. Dear Ernie, you're on track and you have your work cut out for you. You need to learn to give yourSelf a break, to lighten up, get out of the fog that allows you to see the world from only your eyes. You need to tolerate the "unfairness" and discomfort of what's going on. All of these things will feel difficult at first, but will grace your cognitive, emotional and spiritual development.
Let her know, if you haven't already, that you will respect her wishes. If you've already indicated same, do nothing else. Reply if she contacts you. Otherwise, give her time. Lots of it. Perhaps 6 months down the line, maybe to celebrate the next "special occasion," send flowers or drop a card letting her know that she is in your thoughts and that you wish her well. Period. If she wants to contact you, she will.
Meanwhile, do your work. I know your motivation for working comes from your anguish and your attempt to restore your marriage. The day will come when that shifts - and you will do for yourSelf - because you realize you feel much better about the individual you are becoming... Wishing you Godspeed. Dr. Irene.
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Friday, August 24, 2001
12:59:54 PM
I don't know how to handle my husbands feelings anymore. It's not your place to handle his feelings; handle your own! He gets upset about our relationship, then he doesn't look at me or speak to me or want to sit in the same room with me. He will sit somewhere alone and cry. During these quiet times, he has said things to me to the effect that he has given up hope and why even try. He claims that he doesn't feel part of the family anymore, and that I have shut him out of my life. He makes statements about suicide. ("I feel like I should just put a bullet into my head and end it!") Then he will go upstairs to the bedroom (where incidentally the gun is, also) and lie on the bed crying. Oh boy... Your husband may be clinically depressed and in dire need of professional help. If there is a gun in the house, I would certainly worry. Men who threaten violent and/ or suicidal acts should be taken very, very seriously. Your husband needs to be evaluated. The only way you can help him is to call your local emergency room, crisis center, and/ or police. There are many options open to you to begin to take action. Start somewhere. I used to follow him upstairs and hold him or talk to him and reassure him, but he never seems to gain any confidence in my support, and I started feeling like I was spoiling a child. I also started feeling like he wasn't forgiving me for a transgression, because he would let me soothe him, reassure him, apologize, and even make love to him, but still be mad or upset the next day. It has gotten so that I am scared to say anything honest or critical, because invariably he responds negatively. He went to a priest for counseling, and his impression was that the priest thinks we may never have been "truly" in love, and that is why we are having problems. This is because we talk negatively about one another now that we are in trouble. When we went to the priest together, the priest gave us a speech about true love and need, and convenience as if we were trying to decide whether to get married. The priest was equating love with a celestial sort of oneness that we should feel, and that should overcome any minor disagreement. There was no practical advice, like I have seen on your site. The other side of his personality is violent. He also has been physical with his punishment (smacking a child, a time period when a child was made to kneel on a floor register) to my and our children. When I have asked him or told him not to hit the children, (because there are other ways to punish them with a little imagination), he tells me that he just won't discipline them anymore. He then sits and watch blithely while they get themselves into trouble. He has often upset me with his bursts of anger. He took my daughter by the throat a few times This is child abuse. Another option to protect yourselves and to get him help may be to turn him into your local child protective agency. until I intervened, and even tried to do it to me. Spousal abuse. Call your local domestic violence center. He put no pressure on my throat, other than to hold me down, and he straddled me while he demanded that I talk to him. This is clearly physical abuse. (He equated this incident by the way, with the times that I followed him upstairs demanding an answer in arguments we had in which I got heated up.) He has thrown objects through walls, scarred furniture with flung items, overturned a whole plate of spaghetti onto the carpet, (and left to go upstairs, leaving me to clean it), left in his car for hours, (saying he didn't know if he'll come back), threatened to divorce me, and asked me to leave. Recently we were shopping for carpet. I wanted to get blue, and he didn't think it would match, so he kept looking for another color. He also wanted to check the quality compared to what we had previously. It was irritating that he ignored me, and (not for the first time) doubted my taste. I asked him if I couldn't pick the color this time, since he had picked the color when he bought the house. (I clean the carpet, and light grey-almost white is not practical) I can remember closing my eyes, and picturing that blue carpet in my living room, and feeling calm and happy. I did not tell him at the time, but when I bought furniture, (Our finances are separate by the way - his idea so that I can't tell him how to spend his money. I make less money, pay more per month in bills, and still am the only one able to save money for Christmas or vacations, or furniture.) he didn't like the things that I pointed out, and said "ehhh, not really", so I just asked him what he liked, then I got it. I didn't realize how much I would hate the stuff after I did. Now, I look at my house, and it depresses me. The furniture, to me, is ugly, the walls are scarred and need paint. He never liked any pictures that we saw, so there is nothing on the walls. It took me six years to finally ignore him, and hang curtains in the living room, over the blinds. He has been very insecure lately, since I have started to withdraw, and our sex life is diminishing. He cries, and says I'm going to leave him, or I'm having an affair, (not true), or I don't care about him anymore. I finally got upset, and pointed out to him that if I was as insecure about his leaving as he is about mine, that I would let him have the blue carpet. I only said it to make a point, because I can't deal with this rollercoaster of emotions anymore. He told me I was trying to manipulate him. I mentioned that our sex life is diminishing. It has been. He has a problem with PE, and has always, always made up for it with long drawn out foreplay. He would also say that if we made love more frequently, that he would last longer. We have a three-year-old, and a two-year-old, and long drawn out foreplay isn't always desired by mommy - five days a week. She's tired after working all day and taking care of the children and dinner for the one to two hours before he gets home. So I suggested that I wouldn't mind quickies, which didn't go over very well. (How could that do when I wouldn't be satisfied? That would be selfish.) I also didn't like the fact that he always wants to tie me up. Always. I don't think it's fun anymore. He told me recently to lie back (I think he wanted to give me a massage, which would have cooled me off and I was already hot), and I asked why. He got perturbed, and said lie back. I said no. He got up and left me there. He did that at least twice when I refused to blindly do what he wanted in bed - both recently. That hurts. I also tried to take his hand and show him what I wanted him to do, and he got up and left. I'm tired of dealing with this. Worn out. Frustrated - he never agrees with anything enthusiastically and I've tried explaining the policy of joint agreement with him. He said I don't know if I can do that. (agree enthusiastically) So I'm asking for help. Help me deal with my husband's emotions. He by the way thinks I don't care because I don't cry or get really upset when we argue anymore. I felt that I had to pull out because I could actually feel all the stress on my heart when I let myself get upset. Now I try to stay calm and rational because being heated didn't help. You need help. Now! Your husband is potentially dangerous to himself and/ or others. You are in danger. Your children are in danger. That is all you need to worry about. Stop trying to handle this on your own. Involve any and all authorities who will listen and do what you have to do to get yourself and your children out of danger and to help him. Please, do this now!. Good luck...
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Monday, August 27, 2001
02:12:23 AM
Dr Irene, first some history: About me, I am the youngest of three girls, age 33. My mom came from extreme poverty as a child and had an emotionally abusive father and a very over worked mother with 11 kids. Ouchhh! Some of her brothers were physically abused, and no one escaped the verbal abuse. She married my dad at 16 when my dad was 18. My dad's father was an alcoholic and eventually a transient. My dad's mom had a history of marrying alcoholics. My dad's step dad would hit him and my dad's mom sent my dad away to live with an aunt and uncle when he was 12.
My parents are very codependent and have a dysfunctional marriage. My husband is the second youngest of 6 children, his father left them when my husband was around 8 and never looked back. His mother could not keep them after struggling to feed and care for them all so the boys were sent to a well known and respected Catholic boys home in the Midwest. Through scholarships 3 of the 4 brothers, including my husband, went to college. He and his brothers had only good experiences at the "home," but of course missed their mom and sisters and probably dad.
When I met my husband he was truly one of the kindest men I'd ever dated. He was very respectful and thoughtful (my old boyfriend was abusive and I spent many years in counseling getting my head on straight). My now husband treated me with a lot of love and respect while we dated. We dated three years and then married. We have been married now for 5 years.
Almost immediately after marrying he began to pull away from me physically and emotionally . He has a hard time with intimacy, but never did when we were dating. The nice cards, compliments, and affection he showed when were dating is all but gone. He doesn't say mean things to me, and he and I get along very well as "friends," but he pulls away physically constantly. We have talked about it a lot and he says he is afraid of being hurt or getting close but that he truly loves me and doesn't know how to over come the intimacy issues.
He is very uncomfortable with "intimacy" HELP!! This is just not the marriage I'd thought we'd have together. I'm so lonely in it. I didn't get married to just have a room mate. Help... Both of you come from a long legacy of abuse, and both of you seem to be moving in the direction of breaking the destructive pattern. Your husband is being honest with you and with himself; that is excellent! Excellent, excellent, excellent - because admitting the problem is 50% of the solution. (Just think, he could be in denial of his issue, and/or he could be blaming you for his deficits instead!) He doesn't know how to be intimate, and I'm sure has no clue on how to manage all the conflicted feelings that come up for him in your day to day married life. You don't mention any history of counseling, but I think you should both seek it out or revisit it together if you've had a prior round. This one is too big for you guys to work out alone. Meanwhile, pick up a copy of this: Making Intimate Connections : Seven Guidelines for Great Relationships and Better Communication by Albert Ellis and Ted Crawford. Good luck, Doc.
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Tuesday, September 18, 2001
08:38:03 AM
Dear Dr Irene,I need an outside opinion: Am I overreacting, or is my husband is really verbally abusive, or is our marriage just plain screwed up.
I'm 50, my husband is 47, we've been married 6 yrs and were together 5 yrs before that, while he went thru a difficult divorce. His first wife was emotionally abusive in subtle ways & my husband just went along because he thought she had problems. They have 3 girls, whom he is extremely close to.
Though our relationship has always been volatile, I thought he was finally learning to speak up for himself. He has a sex abuse history in childhood (an older boy) which made him kind of screwed up about his sex drive. He was warm & loving at the beginning, with periods of anger for no reason. When he is mad, he jumps from one topic to another, bringing up every dissatisfaction, no matter how long ago it happened.
Its like he tries to make himself madder and madder, and won't listen to anything I say. Since we've been married, these outbursts have continued, only now he calls me names, curses at me, and belittles everything I do or say.
His main complaint is that I do nothing, he does everything, I only care about myself etc. If I try to counter with concrete examples of things I do to contribute, he knocks their value. Everything that is wrong is my fault.
Three yrs ago, his teenage daughters came to live with us. Our fights are now more frequent & bitter, the cursing and belittling of me is done so his kids can hear, he threatens divorce and tells me he hates me. There's no reasoning with him. Gee whiz! Our last fight, I tried not to engage and told him he was verbally abusive but he just sneered at me for my "feminist b.s."
He wants a divorce and says he will take my house cause he has the kids. I love him & don't know how to reach him. Underneath this anger, he's a wonderful guy. Everyone loves him, thinks he's kind and compassionate. He doesn't treat anyone, even a stranger, the way he treats me. I'm know I'm not perfect, but I do contribute and have helped him & his kids alot. I just can't be as bad as he paints me. What is going on here? Dazed & Confused
I am often disturbed by the word "abuse" because we tend to look for a "good guy" and a "bad guy," as well as clump domestic violence in with other more benign junk. Then our own anger in response to the put downs, etc. gets in our way. We tend not to recognize our own frustration, but it's there and it piles up and, trust me, your partner will get it, just as you have. So, it's likely that your partner is reacting to your stuff as much as you are to his.
What I'm getting at is that I'm not comfortable with your question of is your marriage abusive, screwed up, etc. Labeling your relationship won't help.
What will help is for you to learn to pay attention to your anger and use it (it is a signal) rather than react to it. Learn the assertive skills you need to calmly get your point across, putting a stop to yukky stuff. Anger gets bigger and bigger if it's not dealt with. The sooner you pick it up, the smaller it is, the better it is.
For example, if he belittles you in private, pull away physically and emotionally. Who needs this? Don't bother defending yourself. Let him realize what a jerk he's being. If he doesn't get it, well, you'll deal with that when you have to.
But when it gets big like name calling and repeated divorce threats, especially in front of the children, you have few sane options but to call him on it (unless you want to live like this). This is serious. Treat it that way. By "call him on it," I mean take him seriously and do what you must to start planning your life apart. After all, do you really want to talk somebody into loving you/ appreciating you?
Take a look at this wonderful book by the "Father of Cognitive Therapy," The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life. Learn the thinking behind how to not be anybody's victim! Also, take a look at Tongue Fu! How to Deflect, Disarm, and Defuse any Verbal Conflict by Sam Horn to show you the tactics used and how to disarm them. Good luck to you both, Doc
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Friday, September 21, 2001
04:17:04 PM
Dear Doc,
Here’s my situation. My boyfriend and I (we’re both on our 40’s) have been together off and on for the past year and a half. We broke up once, a year ago, got back together in January; moved in together (he moved in with me) and things started going downhill.
We ended up parting ways in April with me calling the police because he grabbed me and shook me before leaving. Yuk! We stayed apart for two months until I gave in to his phone calls and emails begging me back. He promised everything would be different. He really really wants things to be different. But, he needs the skills to carry the difference through. He was going to stay in his rented room and we were going to “work” on the relationship to try to repair it.
We started seeing a counselor together. Good! That was in early August. Money was always a concern for him because of his line of work which is customer-oriented and based on commission. My birthday was in the middle of August. He planned a fairly elaborate trip for us (car trip for 4 days). I thought everything was ok with his finances. On day 3 of the trip he told me he was out of money. Ooops!
I had no idea. I ended up paying for our meals and incidentals. Thank god we were staying at a friend's house so there was no hotel expense. When we got home he told me he was broke and would be until next payday two weeks away. All this time we were looking for a house together to move into in November.
Sept rolled around and we had to go out of town again to bring his furniture, etc. to our town in preparation for our move in together. When we got to the hotel, they rejected his credit card. Here we go again. (This was AFTER his payday). Then he borrowed $1,000 from his parents to pay for his move. The following day he returned to work to find out he was fired. That was 3 weeks ago and he’s had no income since then. He lied to me about money owed to the IRS, he bounced checks used to pay for my birthday presents, and who knows what else. Then, he begged for my help sorting out his finances saying he couldn’t do it himself.
His bills are getting further and further behind and our relationship is barely hanging on. I feel used and exhausted by him but feel guilty dumping him during these hard times. Why? Did he feel too guilty to ask you to pay for part of your birthday present? He stays at my place every night, eating there, sleeping there, using my utilities, and never offers to pay. I always have to ask for help with groceries, etc. After him getting violent with me last spring, I’m afraid he’ll do it again, especially with the added stress of not working. I feel trapped! Is there a “right way” to deal with this? I feel sorry for him. Thanks…..
Feel sorrier for yourSelf. You're not talking about a guy who is having a tough time because he lost his job. You're talking about a guy who was having a hard time before he lost his job! How come a man in his 40's has no savings to fall back on? Because he spends it! Unless you want to spend your life picking up the (I'm sure, well-intended) pieces, think about what you're doing with this emotional child.
Your body, feeling used and angry, is telling you what to do.
Sorry... Doc