Reply to R

Replies to Nope

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1999. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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09 Oct 1999

Dude,

I read your letter. I sympathize with your loss of a good friend. But I have some questions.

If she refuses to have a relationship with you, why would you want to have a relationship with her?

If she talked about things that nobody, not even you, find interesting, why would you want to listen to her?

If you feel good about yourself, how can you feel intimidated? Or, if you feel intimidated, how can you feel good about yourself?

If you disliked her talking to other guys because of experiences you had in past relationships, could you also be unfairly judging her in other ways?

Why do you chose to make her responsible for your happiness?

Stay sober long enough and you will figure this out. If I did, so can you.

Submit
07 Oct 1999

Go to A.A. meetings as many times you can, get a sponsor, work your steps...or I hope you are doing these already. The program will teach you how to be sober, how to love others... how to live!

Submit
05 Oct 1999

I feel as a female, that R did not give her enough space to just be human. He should ask himself how many girls did he talk to over their relationship?? It is in human nature, unfortunately, for both sexes to want to flirt with and be flirted to by others. For some unexplainable reason females have to hear how sexy, pretty, or desirable they are to men. It may sound shallow but we need it to feel good,( thanks to the media, and supermodels. hahaha!) I hope R can get over this relationship, because I too believe that both people would be better off with someone else. Good luck R, and remember to be a little more open minded in your future relationships. I can guarantee you that you'll both feel better about each others trust and your growing relationship together. Take it from a woman who's been there and seen the results.

Submit
05 Oct 1999

It's still all about HER HER HER- when you come to the realization that you need to think about YOU, YOU, YOU and giver her up and move on, you'll begin progress.

Submit
04 Oct 1999

Sounds like girlfriend was another addiction -- one to save you from the pain you've been running from with the drinking and controlling behavior. As a recovering addict, any time I find myself blaming "people, places (like this site) or things" for my problems, I'm not truly clean and sober -- just a dry drunk. Try "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today" and work with a sponsor. Let God/HP handle the girlfriend situation while you learn how to surrender everything else to that HP of your understanding.

Submit
04 Oct 1999

Dear R. Just be the best that you can be do it for you and only you...the rest will follow. Down the road things will clear and the answers will come." You are responsible for the effort...not the outcome".

Submit
04 Oct 1999

please attend a AA or NA group, find some friends who are into recovery, and DO NOT OBSESS over the relationship. take care of yourself, and good things will happen. read, write, and take some time for you! you are worth the good things in life- you do not have to settle. also, join one of the email support groups.. they help me so much. good luck.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/10/1999

S1

What you abuse you lose. Stop worrying about getting her back and concentrate on getting and staying sober.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/15/1999

S1

I am a victim of abuse and have been for over 20 years. My husband and I are separated and he claims he wants things better, is going to counseling, and groups ... however, he still is very much addicted to anger and continues to get his "fix" from acting out towards me. This is a "double message" - actions don't match words. If you really want to change and improve your relationship (s), you need to acknowledge every day that you are an anger addict and if your girlfriend has moments of fear or distrust - she needs to hear you say she has a right to those feelings and then reassure her - constantly - that you want to make things better because "she" is "important" to you. Don't bother with these words if they are not sincere - she will soon figure that out - I did ... Pray you are successful in your recovery - God Bless

B1: Submit
Date: 01/30/2000

S1

Dear R,

I hope this will help you. I am a woman who is, like your lady who finally was, being pushed away by the man I love. The very frustrating and most painful part of this for me is that he, like you, doesn't have a clue "why".

The very things that he is doing to me, himself, and our marriage are the same things that he truly can't seem to "see". His perceptions of what he does, how he does it, and what he thinks he is doing are very different from what is actually going on.

He says that he doesn't need to say he loves me because I should just know it because he married me. But his actions toward me are not loving many (now most) times.

He lays down the law that lunch must be on the table at 12 noon, and I have it that way since the first time I didn't! But then he's home a half hour to over an hour late with the lunch spoiling more times than not. He'll then go into the kitchen and ask me to make him something else, or he'll eat a little of it, then asked for something else to be made. He doesn't call to let me know he's going to be late or that there's a meeting, or apologize (for anything. He'll even bring home a take out lunch sometimes without letting me know. (This happens with dinner also) The first couple of months I don't call him on it, but go with the flow. Then out of the blue, he says that I'm wasting his money, and wants a detailed accounting of what I am spending. His perception is that I am spending too much money on food, but he doesn't realize that he is wasting tons of it or doubling up on cost by buying lunches (and dinners) when I'm going to prepare one unless he tells me not to. When I show him a spreadsheet of one months food receipts and that I am at or under "budget" he's put me on, show that I haven't spent any money unaccounted for, he just says good. Then his actions continue to be the same, then he blows up about costs, etc etc. He truly doesn't see what he thinks he is doing is different than what he is doing. He automatically blames me in his head, obsesses on it, building his "case" in his head based on his perceptions, not reality, then he repeats it over and over every few months. It's maddening. He even jokes about how bad I am with money to others, while he hugs me in public.

When I talk to him, he'll be obviously not interested now. He keeps doing whatever's he's doing, or if he's doing nothing, he'll look away or even turn away and walk into another area of the room or even leave it. This is most of the time. He really doesn't know he's doing it I believe. He just thinks like you did about your ex, that I talk too much or about things that don't interest him, and now his body language is showing it since he's not concentrating on "acting" like he's interested while we were dating. He's not honest with himself. If you are not interested when you are dating, it's a lie to act like it. Be real. Now I feel I can't trust what he acted like vs what his actions show. Of course I need to hear a conscious "I love you" from him and not just know it's automatic because we are now married.

He says I'm too independent and strong willed now. When we were dating that was one of the things he admired about me. (I had my own business and owned my home... married him, leased out the house, moved out of the country to where he works) The thing is that if I say I disagree or don't like something (I don't believe or say he is wrong or should believe what I think) he says that because I won't change my opinion or agree with his, that I am independent and strong willed. His perception is that being an individual is a threat, and not something that he respects me for. It's like he must prove or force me into being "wrong" instead of accept and appreciate the difference so that I am "below" him, and my preferences and opinions controlled by him. This isn't loving to me, but to him, it is... he's doing it for my own good, per his perceptions.

Most of the time, when he is drinking, he says the most loving and caring things... seems to open his warm heart to me. He'll say we are going to do this and that, but then most of the time he doesn't want to do this or that. That's when he tells me to not believe anything he says when he's drinking. So yes, I do need sober and conscious "I love you"s. He drinks to the excess when he drinks, although, thank goodness it's not that often. He has gotten verbally abusive when drinking and when not drinking.

Again, he doesn't perceive he's being abusive. He says I'm too sensitive or that I'd better just get used to it or deal with it, or go back to Oklahoma and go back to work. Like he can't even see that these answers back to me when I say he's being abusive are ALSO abusive.

He doesn't see that withholding affection for days then when asked why being told that "With a wife like you, who would ever want to have sex" is abusive. I'm a very attractive, shapely, intelligent lady, and one of the major great things in our dating and early marriage was our sex life. But he now is using the withholding of it to hurt and try to make me feel insecure. He says it's my fault that he has no interest in sex now and he'll let me know when he wants me again and to get used to it.

I write this tonight because this sex thing is the latest abusive turn and this one along with all the other controlling and thoughtless selfish actions are breaking my heart. I find that no matter what I do, he changes the rules so that I am always now confused and internally hurt. I know that I am honest about my feelings, but then he will use this information to hurt me even more by targeting what's most important to me as the very things he will withhold or be the opposite.

So maybe, you don't see where your actions are contradicting your words to your ex, or what you tell yourself. Maybe you don't see how you "act" in a positive way "as if" you like and want this or that, and that you say she is this and that, but what over time is being revealed to her (but not so much to you) is the truth of what you believe. Then maybe you try to change her by withholding praise, love, affection... change her by punishing her for not being or doing what you expect or decide that moment you require... change her to someone that gives you everything you want when you want it and how you want it regardless of how she feels, what she may want, or what she may need. Maybe when she tries to get you to notice or empathize with what she needs from time to time, this makes you feel she's selfish or trying to bust your "balls"...

I don't know, but I do know that HONESTY with YOURSELF and your TRUE feelings and beliefs is the foundation of all good and bad in your relationships. If you do and say things contrary to the real you or if you talk yourself into putting up with things that are against your honest self, it will backfire... period.

I'm not perfect, and sure don't expect him to be. I will not stand and argue or retaliate or get abusive back. I apologize immediately when I think I've hurt him or made a mistake, but I don't get any of this back from him. He's gone into rages, thrown things, broken things, stayed out all night, and not talked to me for days (once time was because I didn't have lunch ready at noon). Then he'll be the guy I dated for 3 years again... warm, loving, fun, kind, and the person I wish could stick around. It's gotten to the point that I feel like a roommate, and as long as I can live with that I will stay... by being a "roommate", I don't let myself feel the open love and lack of protective walls feelings... then when he hurts me, it doesn't hurt as much. But I also know how much I have to lie to myself to keep things "safe" and "no waves"... how much I am withholding from myself. Unless he is able to see his behavior and his thought process honestly, act then honestly, it will go on like this or more than likely get worse. Then I am gone. I wish I could have seen things more clearly before I married him as your ex has. He wasn't ready for love or a relationship, he had (and has) to get REAL first. I have lost my trust in him knowing who I really am and knowing that he actually made a conscious choice to love me... I'm afraid that he just found someone he thought he could "fix" or change.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/16/2000

S1

You need to do a very brave thing, start listen to your feelings. YES feelings those things you deny and bury so deep only a road drill can get through. GO on I DARE You!!!!!!

If you can let these feelings out, therapy would be a good idea if your afraid to do it alone. When the feelings are out they can be worked on.

A good way to recover is to write a journal of your life story and to let yourself feel all the anger, frustration and hurt, (CRY you will but heal definitely!!!!!!!!!!!!) then you need to learn manage your feelings in a constructive way there on.

You need to feel and recognize the feelings and act on them. Talk and talk some more, they are warnings your CURRENTLY ignoring. This is the only way to learn to trust.

REMEMBER: What happens in the outer world is a reflection of what is happening on the inside of you. You can only trust others when you can trust yourself. You do this by listening and recognizing those feelings.

Be brave, be strong and admit those feelings. Then get to work on them. GET to know the most important person you'll ever know, yourself. Only when you get close to yourself will you be able to get CLOSE TO others!!!!!!!!!!!

Be brave, you can do it. BE Honest, you deserve to for your own sake.

Write a truth journal, write only the truth in it. Write your true feelings, admit your problems.

You are afraid of intimacy with yourself more than anyone else.

Stop suppressing stop depressing, take care of yourself, get it all out!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take care There myself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!