Comments: Quandary Revisited
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October 24, 2006
What I am not looking for is to change your opinion on anything or blame anyone in this situation. I am now fairly comfortable with my sexual nature. Good! What is still lurking in the back of my head is why my significant other continued to look through my computer, even after a year together. I am still to this very day disturbed by that behavior and wonder to myself, do all women do that to their loved ones? All women? Giggle! That doesn't make very much sense. Do all men shave? Do all men love football and hate to cook? Of course not. You're asking why this particular woman continued to do what she did. I mean a year of looking with unfettered access, and there was never anything there or behavior that I would see that made it remotely seem I was cheating. I had hoped that the insecurity would have eventually faded. You're making assumptions, albeit reasonable assumptions, but don't go here... I think what happened was very unethical Unethical? YOU gave her your password! You gave her permission! and every time I tried to set privacy boundaries, they were never honored Did you change the password? No.... and made to seem like I was hiding something. She thought you were hiding something. So be it. Let her think what she thinks (since you won't change what she thinks anyway). Your error was in wanting to prove to her that you had nothing to hide! You did not have to prove anything, though you chose to. And, yes, she would have had to deal with her suspicions, and you would have had to deal with her gripes, but such is life. At least now you wouldn't feel as though you were violated - when you gave her permission to violate your privacy!
I know I did the right thing by getting out of the relationship. But for future reference..... For future reference: There is no way to know what goes on in another person's mind. No way! So, stop trying to spend so much energy trying to understand something that you will never have access to, and that really doesn't matter. That and realizing that you can't make everybody happy, even the person you care for the most - nor should you even try to calm her fears when attempting to do so would compromise your integrity (as it did). That is the lesson. Promise!
Yes, I know that is a convoluted statement. Said another way:
 | It doesn't matter why she did what she did; there's nothing you can do about the way another person thinks or feels. Spend your energy instead on learning not to dwell on things that are not only in the past, but were never under your control to begin with. |
| Never ever give another individual permission to trample on your space, even if it means losing them. You compromised your integrity in your attempt to pacify her - which didn't work anyway. Plus, you're very angry with her for doing what you gave her permission to do! Take responsibility for yourself, and don't rely on another person's good graces to look out for you. Like your lady, they may not have any grace. |
Hope that helps Jim.
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October 24, 2006
Hmmm. I find your question "Do all woman do this?" vaguely insulting. I don't and would not and I had a husband that cheated on me. As to why she did it was because she had the hang up and did not trust herself and by proxy, did not trust you. It was never, ever anything to do with you. She did her best to make her jealousy your problem, but it was always her problem. My ex-husband would rant and rave at me because he always wanted me to act like a jealous person and do things like this to him. In his mind, that meant I loved him. In my mind, I felt that if I couldn't trust someone then I had no business being in a relationship with them. Having walked in your shoes, with an ex-husband that always accused me of cheating, among other things, the problem was hers. Our reactions showed our co-dependence in allowing them to treat us so poorly. Their reactions also conveyed their co-dependence in their own insecurities. You grow up. You learn. Keep growing. Chelli A good hypothesis Chelli. My concern for Jim is that he learn to spend more time worrying about the things he has control over (like himself), rather than wasting his precious energy on suppositions about what was going on in her mind. (Codependent think.)
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October 24, 2006
Congrats on being out of this destructive relationship!! While there are 1000 ways to analyze her, you and what happened, I want to focus on one issue. My opinion is, regardless of all the crazy making going on in your relationship.........DO NOT EVER USE THE INTERNET TO VIOLATE YOUR RELATIONSHIP!!!! Whether done in retaliation, personal needs, etc., etc. You appeared to have ongoing events whether flirting on MYspace or looking at porn. I believe most women have a strong fear of the internet and the ease with which a person can "hookup" in ways that we find objectionable. The only thing missing is the barstool and pool table in the background. If a person does any of the following....../Sharing yourself sexually, satisfaction through porn or intellectual connection through the internet/ it can feel like a violation to your partner. If a person enters a committed relationship, one expects that means the other gives up the "carousing" associated with single life. Whether that is going to meat market bars or hooking up on the internet. Even though I agree that she had HUGE issues which doomed your relationship, I feel your continued use of the internet did not help her to feel that she could trust you. Trust is earned!!!!! especially after it has been violated. This is similar to a woman/person who stays in an abusive relationship requiring that "Not ONE further abusive event occurs". Bottom line....when you have another committed relationship...promise YOURSELF that you will not use the internet in any way deemed destructive to her/him that violates the relationship....EVER!!! Even in difficult times. Oh yea....one other....don't ever move into a "multi" family home once you have left the nest. Two "family" units do not work or function well together. Unless you are moving ALONE back into your parents home or two single people together .............DON'T DO IT!!! Not even a couple and a single. Trouble will result and feelings will be hurt!!! It does NOT work.....RARELY EVER!!! Good luck to you in the future.....you seem to be a good person and I wish you the best. ME Certainly infidelity on the net is as "valid" as real-life infidelity, as you point out ME. I think for Jim though, the biggest lesson to be learned from this escapade is to never, ever permit another person to violate one's boundaries! (And yeah, as usual, there's a paradox here: If you find a person who has the knowledge to compromise you, but won't, you've got a keeper!)
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October 28, 2006
Jim, No, all women DON'T do this. And all women aren't as insecure as your X obviously was. Her FOO issues are a factor, but too often familial dysfunction is used and abused to explain away inappropriate behavior. Men and women alike can have a tendency to hide behind them, use them as a means to avoid confronting and dealing with their OWN dysfunction. I like the Doc's reading list. I hope you do your homework before getting into another relationship. From MY perspective as a woman, I've discovered that nice men DO exist. Yes! I hope you discover the same as you continue your journey and emotional recovery. BamBam Thanks BamBam.
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October 28, 2006
Jim: I'm confused why you could CARE why she was so nutty about the email thing. Truly! Who cares! Right! If you need an excuse try this one on for size: She is insecure! Another plausible hypothesis! That type of person normally is the hardest on themselves (not that they would admit that), and in order for them to feel better for some strange reason they MUST strip others of self worth! To be honest I am sure it bugged the heck out of her NOT to find anything on your computer.....so what did she do?? She decided, "Okay. I will pick on the past, and the fact he never had a committed relationship like this before! THEN I can feel superior!" I'm sure each day she got on your email account she was searching for the dirt! Doesn't matter that the dirt wasn't there before. Doesn't matter that she was tromping all over your personal space. Doesn't matter that is it wrong! She felt entitled to search for evidence so she could know that you are just like everyone else (in her eyes of course). YOU couldn't possibility be faithful! You couldn't possibly be the person that wouldn't hurt her! See the non-logic and no rational thought process there?? Who care WHY she did that - keep working on yourself so in the future you can spot these insecure people out, and know comfortably "I am not okay with this type of person. I deserve better." PERIOD! Don't bother your brain space with the WHY they did that! It truly would not have made any difference if you knew the reason. You could have NOT changed that fact about your relationship! LOL Even if you did know the CLEAR answer.....would you feel less violated? You shouldn't have to deal with that within a relationship - someone constantly searching for the dirt on you. Just realize they have no clue about "cause and effect". She didn't have a clue that her actions PUSHED you away, and made you feel all those feelings inside....nor did she care! It was not of her concern! Her concern was motive. You don't need that in your life! Do yourself a big favor and concentrate on WHY you would accept such behavior. I liked that so much, I italicized it! I'm glad you are in therapy, but you still have work to do. Yep. You are a work in progress. Always. Don't worry about her. Right. Worry about you. Yeah! She has to fix her own issues, and she may never do that. Her family of origins roots are sad, but sometimes in life you have step back and make decisions........do I want the past to run my future? Everyone has some skeletons in their closet. You have to deal with them if you want a healthy and happy life. She didn't wish to fool with it. Okay. Well that is her choice. Now she gets to live with those actions.....she will never be happy. Sad, but not your concern. You have NO control over the way her brain processes things. Work on your own brokenness, and don't worry about anything else. You need to be okay with YOU.......or you won't get past this. Its all about choice. So what's it going to be?? Well, you didn't sign your name, so can I say I wrote this post? LOL! Good show!
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October 29, 2006
Wow, this is a great source of information and really opened my eyes to what my spouse and I suffered. However, it is scaring me to death because I am seeing that I am continuing the pattern with my kids. I am the parent that these people are talking about. How can I get help to be a better mother? I don't want my kids to suffer. I live in XXX, any parenting classes, support groups, etc is desperately needed. My kids are 5 and 2. Thank you. Michelle Hi Michelle, this is Jim's board. There's lots of information for you all over the site and in the support forum, The CatBox.
Thanks Jim. Thanks Posters. Love and good wishes to all. Dr. Irene, 10/30/06.
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November 02, 2006
Opps.......sorry forgot to sign my name! LOL! app2
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November 06, 2006
The website: http://web.ncf.ca/ez771 has a downloadable PDF File called "Pathologically Narcissistic Women and the Gender-Biased Criminal Harassment Law in Canada". That sit has another downloadable file called "Arbitrary Abuse of Powers and Process" and appears to be a challenge to a Canadian Law because of abuses of that law through gender bias and police tunnel vision.
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November 11, 2006
Yes, some resilient people survive a traumatic childhood and go on to have "normal" lives. I'm one of them! Therapy and time can heal wounds. I've been married for 15 years and have two well-adjusted children. I love this site. I wish that I had found it earlier in my journey.