Creative Writing Corner 1
Material posted
here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a
substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos
Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for
non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For
commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 29, 2000
S1
I have been trying to decide if this is a "codependency" poem or not. I wrote it before I knew the word. Jay.
Accused Of Nothing Made into Something Worldly courts Give no fair trial
My Gethsemane Betrayed by the kiss of a loved one But I am not Jesus
But my love remains Anguish and betrayal Cannot extinguish love
Not pure like yours, Lord Angry, I love Hurt, I love But my anger is not righteous And my hurt is selfish
But I also hurt for the one who betrayed me Would welcome, long to welcome my betrayer with a kiss
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 29, 2000
S1
Invetro
Pain, I was born into Death, as surely I was born has made me I do not exist From whence have I ever existed But in death In life
The baby the mother had surely killed? Oh, to her horror, yet she lives To remind her in every breadth That surely she sacrificed her own life for Her own shame That she was ever born Her living memory Of a sin long since past Is ever present In her image To mock her
I the child, I the woman mourned To be heard To tell my story That I was not her sin I was not her shame But merely a child A woman Who needed her love And to be heard I am me And I live, I breath My own breathe Apart from you See me?
And yet, I die again A living death In love, now, with the man Who took my love As his own Made it his And never gave it back For he too, surely did not exist To mourn too then His death I love you Always
And our love That couldn't be For that lone fragile self Was no longer alive That could love alone Forever
Waiting now, to be born To breath A breadth of love Of some one's other than My own
By Cyndie
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 29, 2000
S1
Words From a Hurt Daughter . . .
"You're Stupid!" "You're Dumb!" The words of my life.
"You're Lazy!" "You're Useless!" The words of my strife.
"I hate you!" "You hurt me!" I want to yell.
"I'm angry!" "I'm sad!" I want to tell.
"No more!" "Make it stop!" I want to sigh.
"Help me!" "Please!" I want to cry.
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, December 29, 2000
S1
Tell It
Tell it now to me Tell me what is real Tell me how to be Tell me how I feel
Tell it to me now Tell me now again You need me to be close You need us to be friends
Say it one more time How lucky you have been To leave is such a crime Why did it have to end?
Tell me, now I'm here How I'm the one to blame How selfish I have been Why am I still the same?
Go on, act like I'm not here It doesn't matter what I think Ask me to stick around So together we can sink
Go off now, go away I'm tired, cannot think I want to be alone My life is at the brink
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 30, 2000
S1
If you can hurt me this much
And I still forgive
Still long for your good
despite the way you live
And still forgive
Despite the things you say
despite the things you do
I still forgive
Knowing how you lied
How you live a lie
That I forgive
That almost destroyed
The life I had
I still forgive
Because you did not see
Because I did not say
But I do forgive
Because I did affirm
And did not abuse
I forgive the hurt
And long for you
For yourself to say
My words weren't true.
To heal, not me my love,
But you.
(Jay - this one is to my daughter)
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, December 31, 2000
S1
Life for me was filled with pain I never thought I had much to gain I never dated much in the past three serious relationships meant to last I learnt from them that I had a problem called codependency as described by Melodie Beattie I thought I loved the first two men fathers of my two children After ten years of hell I was eventually able to tell that I knew not, the meaning of love love was concealed within and above Yes, I owe the creator a lot of credit after prayer, after experience, with wisdom and soul debit I found a true love, strong and free a neglected love, a small child, within me I cant tell you how much and how far I had come but don't ever put your hope and dreams ...in that bum.
Skye
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, December 31, 2000
S1
My mother saw in me my father's flaws, But I was like her, so my father said I saw them at their worst; it gave me pause Was I the worst of both of them? I dread That question's answer, so I looked instead To friends and lovers, and what they might see What vision of me in another's head Might rest, and was it like the real me? My self, my honest self - who might she be? Her daughter, or his lover, or their friend Are titles only, they don't explain ME! This took me so long to comprehend But now I look at me through my own eyes And like what I see there, to my surprise
Astrid :)
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 03, 2001
S1
SINGLE MOTHER NEEDS THE SUPPORT OF ABUSE VICTIMS— OF PSYCHOPATHIC (SOCIOPATHIC) MEN
MANY ABUSED WOMEN DO NOT RECEIVE THE PROTECTION OF THE POLICE, OR THE COURT SYSTEM BECAUSE THE ABUSER DOES NOT LEAVE “VISIBLE WOUNDS”. HE DESTROYS OUR “SOULS”!
HERE IS A BRIEF CHECKLIST OF THE PROFILE OF THIS MAN:
(Developed by the most famous researcher of psychopaths, Dr. Robert Hare, author of “From Without Conscience-The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us”)
Glibness/superficial charm Grandiose sense of self-worth Need for stimulation/proneness to boredom Pathological lying Conning/manipulation Lack of remorse, guilt or morals Shallow affect Callous/lack of empathy Parasitic lifestyle Promiscuous sexual behavior Early behavioral problems Lack of realistic, long term plans Impulsivity Irresponsibility Failure to accept responsibility for own actions Many short term relationships Juvenile delinquency (Narcissism also a characteristic)
Dr. Hare states that 1 in 30 people are psychopathic-90% being male. While some serial killers are psychopathic, most people with this disorder are just as dangerous and their true personality goes undetected. Master manipulators, they compromise a significant part of our society. They appear to live a normal lifestyle, can be attractive, charming and successful people. Most of the crimes psychopaths commit are “crimes of the heart” and/or “casual cruelty”. They are cruel, immoral people who leave behind them a trail of broken hearts and lives. They primarily target the naïve or nurturing woman, and once the relationship is over, or the psychopath has been exposed, they will try to ruin the victim financially, emotionally, mentally and/or physically.
I am one of these women who has been “devastated” by a relationship with a psychopath.
I have an upcoming Court Hearing in the Supreme Court of New Jersey. I ask for the support of other women who have been victimized by a Psychopath: Please write me a letter and tell me your story. My Court date is scheduled for January 9, 2001 at 9 am. Short notice—but I really need your help! I want to appeal to the Court that better laws be made for the protection of women like ourselves, who are often told to “ignore” or “tolerate” the behavior of these people who “stalk our souls” and destroy our lives. These “Jekyl/Hydes” should be stopped!
If anyone can help: to offer legal advice, psychological advice, how to proceed with my court case, etc. please contact me as soon as possible. (I have no money for an attorney as I have been going to court with this “PREDATOR” for over one year. He has caused me great financial hardship and has affected the quality of life I can provide for myself and my son.)
I will be preparing a website with more information to help victims of abuse, and offering links to valuable web sites:
If you are in the New Jersey area and would like to start a support group, please contact me.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE! WE ALL NEED EACH OTHER! Please fax, email your letters, advice, articles, or leave voice mail:
Email address: psurvivor@excite.com Toll-free number: 1-888-Excite2 Personal extension for voicemail & faxes: 291-384-7955
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 06, 2001
S1
Date: Friday, January 05, 2001
S1
I can and I can and I will and I have. Disempower me no more! With senseless put downs And endless words of dust. My secret is I can. I am master of my vision The queen of my decisions A manager of dreams. My secret is I can And all the cant's you gave me Are only in your mind And all the shoulds you gave me lie dormant in your life My secret is I can Have a life to validate me Though you've chosen to downgrade me In the way that you upbraid me My secret is you can't And only you can choose To be with me in what I do Or to walk with me alone
Jay .
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 06, 2001
S1
Astrid~
I Really found your writing to be true of my own experience I was told the same and realized later how incredibly cruel it was to be cast as a only an outgrowth of someone else's defects of character ( so to speak) I see my children and see there intrinsic value as whole and separate being and it reinforces for me how unjust it was that my identity was skewed in such a selfish way by the "adults" in my life. How sad that they missed the bright , beautiful, wonderful little girl that I was because of there own reflection Peace Kym
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, January 07, 2001
S1
Mind sets blank Sweeping dust off
Sun shines out Time keeps running
Looking to future Not be in moment
Better go out Catch u later
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 08, 2001
S1
He comes home from work an I hold my breath. I wonder if hi anger will bring my death. My heart is pounding and my palms begin to sweat I wonder why in Gods name we ever met. My body begins to shake and the tears begin to show I wonder if he's going to let his terrible anger go. I'm to scared to speak as he begins to yell The tears are now rolling down my cheeks, I feel I've died and gone to hell. The anger in his eyes makes him look like Satan himself I'm terrified now and just wish I could hide myself I turn to walk away and he starts to call me names I drop to his level, I can't take anymore, I start to do the same. He says so much to hurt me, and blames me for his life I really was in love with him when he asked me to be his wife. He starts to calm down and his eyes begin to change I start to see love in his eyes as his feelings begin to rearrange. I'm crying harder now and he says he's sorry and doesn't want to fight I wish I could understand why I'm the one who constantly lives in fright. He now wants to hold me, to make the pain go away If I don't let him his eyes will change and he'll be angry the rest of the day. He's accomplished what he has set out to do He's gotten what he wanted and is satisfied too! I'm the one who suffers who endures all the pain After it is over my tears fall-just like rain. Tomorrow will be another day and I'm happy while I'm alone I'm terrified the abuse will start as soon as he gets home.
jlveness@hotmail.com
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 08, 2001
S1
Here's one I wrote when I left H and was in a pit of depression:
Hanging on
When numbness it surrounds me
But love is all around me
Wish I could have me some.
Trying to hang on
When all I feel is bitter
But I know I’m not a quitter
When will the good times come?
Hoping to hang on
When all the hope is gone
In the darkest hours before dawn
The crying never ends
I’ll be hanging on
The feelings bring new hope
I think maybe I’ll cope
The sun rises once again
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, January 08, 2001
S1
Here's another one I wrote while I was depressed:
Four Walls
My life exists within this room
Visions of hope, thoughts of doom
And I’ll lock myself inside here
And I’ll isolate my soul here
Fantasies so brilliant, sweet
To live them would be one large feat
But all I can do is lie here
And I’ll try hard not to die here
stimpy
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 11, 2001
S1
Message in my heart how to start? at the end? lots to send The rhymes won't come oh, ho-hum I just got lucky My life's plain ducky Hanging out here on my lotus pad Shining like I am, a bright shiny lad- hope somebody reads hope this succeeds in making someone's life a little brighter. Out my head I must create, no matter what the date, sadness out! happiness in! the only way I'll win. Fortune? What fortune? Just keep the juices flowing. Money? What money? Just keep the story growing. I've been blessed, yes yes yes, with mind and matter to write, so I must fight, fight fight fight, to keep the bad days out of sight. The story never ends, the subtext only begins the beginning is the ending, the end, the new begin. BEGIN. -This poem was written by you
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 12, 2001
S1
I think this is a great site! I just left my mentally abusive husband after 16 yrs of marriage.. Geez, about time...I was sitting here feeling a little blue, so I thought, "Let's look up abuse on the net!" Well, just look what I stumbled onto. After reading some of the stories and answers, I feel validated again. Good for me! This site is a great encouragement to me! Thanks Dr. Irene!
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 12, 2001
S1
The Perfect Match
I have spent our relationship looking for ways to forgive you for your abuses So I could live the lie You have spent the time denying your abuses, blaming me, or "someone else for them So you could live the lie
Sounds like "a perfect match"
I've spent uncountable hours searching my soul for ways I could "change", say it "better", ways to show you I really love you. searched for creative ways to have intimacy~truth~honesty So I could live the lie You have etched every little offense I've done to you into your memory~for future fire power. Twisted, molded and recalled events to build your arsenal So you could live the lie
Sounds like a perfect match!
I after years of backing up, compromising, negotiating, begging, "proving" I'm worthy until just a flicker of myself was left. A small spark of me, ignited into a flame of anger and self protection I opened my eyes and said NO MORE
I can't live a lie anymore
After years of playing with my heart, banking on my love and loyalty Being so "cocky" about your "secret" that she will let me do Anything and still take me back. You where right I have always been there for you Until now
Now you can't live the lie anymore (with me)
After years of smoldering, the perfect match has set a fire under your ars and you now think you're the "victim" (how typical)
After years I can walk away and Know in my heart that I did everything, offered my heart and soul, lived the lie your secret is out I know I did everything within my power for US, for you Now I'm doing everything within MY POWER for me and I sleep well alone with just me my loyal friend
After all these years Do you?
PEACE Kym
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 12, 2001
S1
Waking up
I've been slumbering, dozing, napping stuck in a coma The sweet dream. The Fairytale The "honorable", brave and true Prince. Offered his love and devotion. I accepted with and open heart. A trusting heart. Then the dream twisted and contorted into a nightmare. But I Can control my dream! I can "rescript" it I can "imagine" that the Fair prince is at a masquerade Ball and the mask is just an Illusion The ugly, deceitful mask is only a Figment of My imagination. The Nightmare is not real, slay the dragons! Take my hand and together we will find "Camelot" Yet when I turn Your sword is finding it's mark not to slay the beast but to slay my heart. Sweet dream Sweet dream Wake up! I wake to find my own kiss upon my lips
Peace Kym
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 12, 2001
S1
Somewhere there is a child waiting, for his mother to hold him. Always but, sometimes in disguise, he'll do just she told him. THIS is reality, THIS is not worth fighting for. THIS is reality when, life could mean so much more. Somewhere there is a girl waiting, for someone to hold her. @Sometime before she realizes, she'll do just what he told her. THIS is reality, THIS is not worth fighting for. If this is reality, I should seek another door.
- Lloyd centeredat@yahoo.com
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 13, 2001
S1
Words from a hurt sister in law
She's not family
I hate her
She's not are kind
Why does she do that or that
Why don't you just leave her
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, January 14, 2001
S1
I am now 24 years old and today I feel confused. I started my recovery when I was 13 years old when I was forced in to an in patient program for telling a school counselor "sometimes I feel like killing myself". I had an eating disorder from the time I was 10 years old and I was out of control. I had just began drinking, getting high and having sex, I wasn't much different than my friends. The main reason for this craziness was because of years of suppressing feelings of betrayal and anger and pain and many others that were caused from sexual abuse (from about 4yrs.to 7yrs. old). I finally had ways to escape. By the time I was 14yrs. old I decided (with the help of councilors) that I had to quit drinking because I was out of control and I didn't want to end up like my father and mother which were both alcoholics. I went to counseling and meetings on a regular basis and began to grow and become aware of many things in my life. I started acknowledging God again. I was raised a Christian until about 11-12yrs. old and that's when I decided I fucking hated Christians and anything that had to do with Jesus. I still couldn't stand the whole Jesus thing, but I could believe in God. To make the next three years short, I continued counseling, meetings, abuse meetings, eating disorders, spirituality classes, and I did grow and feel better at times, but still made many mistakes and bad decisions. Then when I was seventeen my sexual behavior was total out of control and I was tired of making bad decisions, I felt a mess. I desperately begged God for the truth. I felt as if I was going around in circles. I enrolled my self in another out patient program and got more counseling. The had spirituality classes so I went in hope of the truth. To my surprise when I entered the room they all had their bibles out. "What in the hell did I get myself into", and to add to that the women who led the class where Sunday school teachers at the church I had attended school as a kid. My mind was shut and I felt angry. After class one of the teachers asked what was going on with me, and I told her I believe in God but I can't stand Jesus. The woman asked if she could pray with me, and I remembered my sincere request for truth to God, so I said yes. By the time this woman said amen I fell in love with Jesus. All the hate had disappeared and I felt an overwhelming flow of love inside of me. To make the next 5yrs. as short as possible: I started going to church, got married and started going to a different denomination, had two beautiful daughters, quit all counseling and 12 step programs because I thought I had found the answer in church, my life seemed stable and secure, I surrounded my life around Christians, I quit doing allot of what I learned in recovery and now implemented Christian principles and tools, I truly believed I had found the truth, although there were some small things in the beliefs that just didn't agree with me, but I didn't question too much less I be rejected by the members. My life wasn't horrible but it wasn't great either. Then when I was 21 I had an affair with a man and my whole world was shaken. I immediately drank alcohol after 7yrs. The affair was a one time thing and so was the drink and I smoked too after 4yrs. It happened quickly and then I was back home with my husband and daughters, my husband decided to stay with me and work it out, (a ton of issues surround this affair of course- and my husband didn't leave because he never would because of his beliefs about marriage. I admire his commitment but we both had such different views and backgrounds. His parents were married 30 something years in misery, and my mom has been married 4 times.) Any way, we stayed together and I tried hard, prayed hard, searched hard, but we together couldn't get it together. 10 months later I had an affair with the same man and continued it in secret for several months, as I planned to leave my husband. I wasn't leaving so I could be with this man, but because I couldn't live the lie. I again began to drink again and go dancing, and I started doing things my other 22yr old friends were doing. I left my husband, ended the affair and ended up in another relationship with another man. Ok, I am not going into that one or the other men that were in my life at that time. I dated, partied, had fun, worked, went to church on Sundays for a while, but my whole view on God was changing again. I quit going to church when I broke off my relationship with a boyfriend (whose father was the pastor) and moved in with a boyfriend who no longer went to church, and has different opinions on church, and the whole Jesus thing. He has searched a lot also, and his beliefs are a combination of things. I still haven't quite figured out what he believes. He believes in God, and energy, and some Indian and Easter beliefs. He believes the is a Jesus. I think he believes in some Christian principles and also he has been to a lot of counseling and believes in allot of what the program teaches. This is good for me because I don't feel forced to believe one thing, or what he does. I have experienced spiritual things through my life when I have believed different things. I am still seeking the truth because I am not sure. My problem now is God. Because of my experiences of sexual abuse as a little girl my views of God are distorted. I don't care right now what his name is, my problem is even imagining him. I don't know how to. I have tried imaging him as warm and gentle and even as a woman, or not being a sex at all, I have even tried to imagine God as myself but that doesn't work for my brain. The problem is I don't trust him and I always feel like he is going to take advantage of me sexually. It sounds crazy, but it is like this; I can't sit in certain position or feel vulnerable when I pray, or I can't pray in the shower with no clothes on. I get scared he is looking at me. Not my abuser, God. I feel sick for being so honest. I absolutely need my mind renewed in this area. I don't know how to start. Any suggestions e-mai tessacisneros@yahoo.com
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, January 16, 2001
S1
Abuse does end
for me it was a god send
He no longer blames me or rages
He has let the suppressed feelings out of their cages
He is now loving and kind
but depression fills part of his mind
at least now he feels his true feelings
and for him and I, there has been a great healing
It did take me taking responsibility
for my own anger, my own sadness, my own grief and debility
he saw my change and he changed too
I only pray, the same happens for you.
Skye Jan 2001
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 17, 2001
S1
This came round the e-mail circuit one day. Author unknown. Ben.
NAIL IN THE FENCE
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down.
He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out.
It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there." A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 17, 2001
S1
Another one from the e-mail circuit. Ben.
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of the sudden he said out loud, "Lord grant me one wish". Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to". The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy."
After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, January 17, 2001
S1
I never have the right words
to explain my pain
I am always a failure
I can never
make the rhyme quite good enough
I am always a failure
I can never make the words fit
I fail every time
The poem is never the right length
I've failed yet again
Pain
Pain
Pain
Pain
Don't help me Don't help me Don't help me
just leave me alone with my pain
or else you'll get swallowed up in it too
the sun will be blocked for you
and together we'll be destroyed
unhappily ever after
I block out the sun
I block out the son
Daughter
No hope
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 18, 2001
S1
To daughter:
The last post sounded like the author had no hope. I want you to know there is hope and you should please talk to someone about your pain. YOu NEED to take care of yourself. Please do this.
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, January 18, 2001
S1
Warmth, light, touch, heat
these are the things which to myself I treat
the wind in the air, the friendly scare
the soul food which is good for one eat
No more false promises of therapeutic solutions
Fancy sounding words ending only in dissolution
The elements, my friends, my ally the son
the one to whom I turn, the one who will never burn
the truth, the light, the way, no name
after I've tasted it, I'll never feel the same
Upon this rock I build my life
Declare an end to all my strife
Sit back, relax, and accept
what reality has to offer
I have nothing to give forth, to proffer,
just another helpless soul in this endless maze,
who has felt the madness, felt the craze,
accept my limitations and my needs,
blow forth softly like a reed
I am a child, I need to be held
coddled, stroked, and in all ways upheld
in this life there is so little trust,
always assuming the worst turns our hopes to dust,
breathe then a new song on this cold winter day
take it out for a walk, don't put it away,
feed it, nourish it, watch it grow,
it's not on the clock, take it slow, take it slow.
Unfinished
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 19, 2001
S1
to the above giver of advice to "daughter"
that poem was not a cry for help. It was an expression of a certain feeling I was trying to convey about the impossibility of a certain way of thinking and feeling. The person who always feels they have to perform, who are on stage every moment of life. It is the "script", if you will, of someone who has an endless need for approval. It is not as though such an attitude can be turned off by talking about it. The poet, at that moment, is so bound by the constraints of his need for approval that every word out of his mouth will be geared toward garnering praise. As such, "talking" will produce a fairly empty, ritualistic conversation. I have found that the best thing to do is not talk, but just listen to my feelings, and do what I need to do, i.e. write, draw, etc. I don't believe that entries in the creative writing portion of this site ought to be looked at in quite the same way as the My storys. If you've read some of the other writings, there are similar "no hope" poems, even if they don't come right out and say it. I believe there is a great deal of benefit to this honesty. I wrote other poems where I was constantly trying to be affirming, but I finally realized what I was hiding, which was my subtle need for approval. But now that I've realized this, it's not as though I can instantly jump to "happiness" mode. It takes lots and lots of time, and its really not up to me to try to be happy. It's ok to be sad without frantically scrambling to someone to get them to help me. That'll put me right back in the approval trap I was in, and this is not progress, this is going backwards. I, for one, prefer to go forward. That is the point, after all, no?
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, January 19, 2001
S1
To daughter, I understand your need for creative freedom. But I think whoever wrote that advice to you was a little concerned (as I was when I read your poem). The only reason is--I have gone through times when I wanted to commit suicide, and have written some pretty dark stuff when I did it. Sometimes people who are suicidal cry out for help in different ways, and someone who is trained to recognize signs of it may try to help in whatever way they can. So, just understand that, without an explanation prior to the poem, you may get messages like that in response.
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, January 20, 2001
S1
from "daughter"-
I can understand what both of you are saying, and you surely have the right to respond in a way that seems appropriate to you. The thing is, there are a lot of people in pain, who actually relieve their pain only by writing about it in an unrestricted setting, such as this one. They feel better after they've expressed what they need to express. Am I truly the only person for whom this is true? I doubt it.
That having been said, I will affirm with the others that would anyone who is truly in a suicidal crisis please seek help. Depression is an insidious disease- it saps you of thinking you have any right to live. Please get help for yourself in any way possible. Your life is very precious, even if you don't realize that right now. And there are wonderful, caring people out there who want to help you, who truly have your best interest in mind.
I apologize if my poem set people off in a way I hadn't intended. I guess in the future I ought to preface what I write by making explicit that I am in a period of frustration over relationships with women, which is really what the poem was about. It's not that I have no hope for myself, just that currently I despair of ever finding that special someone, or more precisely ever being healthy enough to be in that position. I am actually not unhappy with my own state, I just need to keep relearning the steps of powerlessness and trusting in a higher power to help me beyond the dis-ease of Codependency.
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, January 21, 2001
S1
I posted this on the Yak board and someone suggested I post it here too. Jeannie
?Who are you?
You criticize me and tell me I’m wrong You bully and tell me you’re strong You threaten and yell and even worse Your eyes are dead and the words Spewing from your mouth is such You’re killing me slowly while you watch.
You say you want me to change Don’t you think that would be strange? I won’t be the person you fell in love with I won’t be who I’ve known to have been I’ll be only a caricature of who I might be Faking to try to make you happy
Your rage annihilates me I can no longer breathe I need to escape from this prison The love and hate from within You’re a stranger in my home Not the person I used to know.
I’ve given my all to you And there’s nothing left, it’s true I wish you the best you can find As you stumble around half blind I hope you find the help that you need And my heart for you continues to bleed.
I will make my own way ‘tis true I’ve learned it’s not just a fluke To be strong and learn from my mistakes I’ll grow and change – whatever it takes. As for me, I’m starting over Tomorrow is the start of forever.
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Date: Monday, January 22, 2001
S1
~~no title~~ . your pride keeps you deaf to me your machismo keeps you blind your fear keeps me under you sadistic nature keeps me in line . my pain, the air you breath my happiness, a threat . I've searched from your heart compassion from which I found instead greed or was it an insatiable thirst quenched only by my tears do you delight in every drop . do you somehow thrive on my anguish find ecstasy in my pain . you...the sailor my tears...your ocean and I am a shadow. . veronica graciano
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Date: Monday, January 22, 2001
S1
~~~~~~~~~~~~apathy~~~~~~~~~~~~~
he doesn't ponder he doesn't reflect so how can he learn from one day to the next he lashes out with wicked tongue although my heart is tender and young
he doesn't ponder he doesn't reflect just inflicts pain then promptly forgets
no hesitations no repents and so I haven't more tears they've all been spent
by VERONICA GRACIANO 1998
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Date: Monday, January 22, 2001
S1
~~~~once again~~~~ * once again, you shoot me down and blame it all on me * leaving me in a puddle of tears as you walk off to go to sleep. * I stand there , like an idiot, reaching...yearning...,for some compassion * ......nothing * "impossible!", I think, for someone to be so apathetic. * so I wait for you to come and hold me and say," im sorry I hurt you; I love you". ........I wait * ......nothing * the pain now unbearable, {but so familiar} I can't contain it * so I go to you; I stand beside the bed and see you sound asleep * oblivious * I look closer and see, {once again} that sadistic smirk on your face * and I know in the morning, for you there will be nothing to remember, * and I'll, {once again} pretend the same. * ~~~~end~~~~ veronica graciano
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Date: Wednesday, January 24, 2001
S1
daughter,
Just one more remark on my part--you asked if anyone else had relieved their pain by writing on this board. I have--look above at the poems by me (stimpy). I posted 2 that were written when I actually was suicidal. I guess that's why I was so sensitive about your poem--the wording just struck me. I prefaced my poems with a statement about when they were written, so that no one worried. I'm not saying you have to do that, it's just a thought.
Stimpy
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Date: Thursday, January 25, 2001
S1
Any love story can be told from one perspective, that of the writer, so with that in mind here I go. All my life I had heard from others and in the movies just how wonderful love can be when the chemistry is right and you share a common desire to be together every day. Well. everything I had heard about love and romance...every word of it was absolutely true. When I stared into Christine's eyes I could see a sadness....a sort of pain she conveyed without speaking. which seemed to ask me to help her. During these times I found myself weeping out of futility because I saw something in her soul I couldn't mend. I wanted to cuddle her, love on her and baby her like she had never experienced it before. We were together for 4 or 5 months.
I moved in with Cris several times but each time I bolted and went to live with mom. I don't know of it was my upbringing and the taboos of "shaking up with someone" or fear of commitment
She has had it with me moving out all the time and I lost the one true love I ever had EVER!
Oh Christine, I love you so much, but if it's a choice between healing and taking me back healing is want to do.
Pear
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Date: Thursday, January 25, 2001
S1
Sitting amidst the chaos and confusion reality becomes perception... I see...I hear...I feel nothing not even the beat of my heart... Every breath...drawing me nearer to the edge Apprehension...fear... whispers from below Confusion...tears...defeat Resignation... Needing...wanting...desperate to escape Imprisoned... Confined...a solitary state No answers...no solutions... Lost... Isolated...withdrawn...retired from it all Burdened by the weight of their souls No longer seeking clarity Emptiness is all there is... Explanations...excuses...endless justifications Denied...dismissed...ignored... Insignificance The mark of defiance...unwilling to yield unwilling to conform... Anger... Acceptance... Tired...weak...muted... Left to walk alone... Slumber
Wendy Russell Ontario, Canada January/2001
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Date: Friday, January 26, 2001
S1
So Many Questions????? How did I get where I am? Where am I going? Who am I? I'm not sure of anything anymore? Who's life am I living anyway? Whose life? His life. Am I really in a relationship? Maybe it's a dictatorship? A family? His family, his son, his not yet ex-wife it's been over 2 years), his parents, his brother and his family, his friends.
Where are my family and my friends? Pushed away? When do I get to see them? Are they even all still there now? Why do I have to have permission to see them? Why do you tell me to see them, but talk in circles letting me know you don't want me too? Well, I want them back. I miss them. I want it all and of course I want it with you. But you won't let that happen? And I let him do it. Am I really that stupid? Or just that naive? Do I doubt myself that much?
How does someone who says they love you, treat you like that? Why does he use words to hurt and tear me apart? Why does he love me one minute and not the next? When did I start living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Why does he get to do what he wants and I don't? Why is it he becomes the biggest baby in the world when he doesn't get his way? Why does he get so jealous about everything and everyone? Why does he get to choose who I see and talk with, the clothes I wear, what I do, and what job I have or don't have? Why does he have such double standards. Why is everything "I was just joking" or "I was just trying to get a rise out of you"? Why does yes mean no, no mean yes, yes sometimes means yes and no sometimes means no? Why do I have to figure what you mean and what you want? Why do I have to read your mind? Why is it sometimes you won't shut up and other times I can't get you talk? Why is it I have to be at your beck and call at all times but you don't? Why do withdrawal and shut me out when you get mad and angry?
Why do you threaten to beat the shit out of me or tell me you'll drop me right here? Why is everything NOT YOUR FAULT? Why can I NEVER do anything right? Why does he not show this side to anyone else? Why did his not yet ex-wife stay for so long? Why have I stayed for so long? Am I going to be just like her? Why does he think it's okay to treat the women he loves like shit? Why do I let him?
Why do I live a double life? One around him and one at work? Why do I have to talk to my family and friends at work? Why do I have to sneak around to run/jog at work so he won't know that people are seeing me in my running shorts? Why did I have to stop running every morning so I could be home naked in bed with him he's usually sleeping of course)? Why can't I run whenever I want, not when I've been given permission? Why do I get questions about everything I do? Why do I have to sneak around to go Christmas shopping for my family? Why is it I can't talk to or see my family just because they tried to help me get out of this hell and I'm the stupid on who chose to stay? Why can't I go anywhere by myself? Why does he have to know everything? Why am I living like this? Why do I stay?
Why, oh why, can't I leave? Why do I hold on? Why do I hold out hope? What am I holding out for? Why do I keep thinking he will change? Why do I hope he will WANT to change? Why do I keep hoping he will change his mind and go to counseling with me? Why wouldn't he want too? Wouldn't he want to do anything to save this relationship? Am I not worth it? Are WE not worth it? Why not do it for himself? If not for him, his son? Isn't his son worth it?
Why does he have so much anger? Why does he feel so threatened by everything? Why is he so insecure? Why is he so jealous? Why is he so controlling? When will it end?
Why have I given up everything? Why hasn't he? Why have I given up who I am? When will I take control of my life? Am I not worth it? Am I really that bad? Is this really better than being alone or lonely? Why would anyone stay in a mess like this? Is this really happening to me? Why do I love him more than I love me? Do I really need someone? Didn't I do okay before by myself? What am I so scare of? What will he do if I leave?
What happened to him when he was growing up? Why did his mother treat him so badly? Why is he still letting it run his life? When does he stop blaming everyone else for everything? Isn't he an adult now? When does he start to take responsibility for himself? When do I? When do I stop blaming him for everything? Am I not the only one responsible for me? I control me and what I let him do to me. So when am I going to take control of my life?
When you find the answers to these question, please let me know...........................looking for answers.....(aka.....lao)
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Date: Saturday, January 27, 2001
S1
I keep getting fed that poem, what love is supposed to be. I want to say what love is not.
Love is not a guarantee. Love is not vindictive. Love is not a sacrificial animal. Love is not gasoline to be burned and then replenished. Love does not make arbitrary rules. Love does not change the rules without notice. Love does not keep score. Love does not demand satisfaction. Love cannot be proven. Love cannot make you whole. I cannot give you love if you don't already own it!
Pony
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Date: Tuesday, January 30, 2001
S1
Why today?
I do not know
Why today
Why today,
You used
Your own special kind
Manufactured by you
And oh so easy
Not to detect
By eyes less accustomed
Than mine
That have cried
over me and you.
Perhaps it is
because today
You saw me down
And could not resist
The delicious thought
Of my tears
As you fed
on my power
which like a fool
I gave again
Like a fool
I gave again
to my addiction
to pain.
Jay
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Date: Saturday, February 03, 2001
S1
First visitation. While I was reading the heartfelt postings, I hurt with some, cried with some, felt one with many. It has been twenty years for me. It is not clear at times; facts tell the truth. I have seen the good and I have seen the mean, callous and selfish manner that is supposedly "OK" with the obligatory SORRY. I do not have answers nor do I deny my pain.
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Date: Monday, February 05, 2001
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The Cutting Edge By: RoseMarie
If there were imprisonment for cutting words- You'd be given a life sentence. Your words are cruel, An invisible assault weapon They're the proverbial stealth bombs.
You ravaged me through the years With every venomous word spoken. Emotional reversion to automatic "shut-down" Enrages you, Because the reactor is inoperative
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Date: Saturday, February 10, 2001
S1
Round and round and round we go in the game which always plays out the same again .Merry go round without a sound. You sweetly tell me where to go and what to do. Take my power and leave me a fool.
There are no crowns for the king of compromise. While I despise myself and you and wonder briefly what to do. Then turn again I see the pain. Turn again and feel ashamed of me and you and what we do.
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Date: Saturday, February 10, 2001
S1
My Kiss For You by CG
Your love for me as it appears right now, to act or say, you neither ever do. It used to bother me like hell, somehow I've learned to play the games, a pro like you.
My love for you is not what seems to be. To act is more convincing than to say. I act is what I hope for you to see. But still like lies, I act like in a play.
"This is the ONE!", I thought, this love of mine. But in my heart I know that I am wrong. I feel I'm almost running out of time. I know I cannot act or lie this long. In time I'll have the guts to tell you this. For now, I'll keep this secret in my kiss.
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Date: Saturday, February 10, 2001
S1
My story I read these pages in desperation because I cannot get my husband to see any point of view except his own. His son sexually abused my daughter when she was five years old and his son was nine this went on for ten years. When I finally found out years after it stopped my husband refused to talk about it at first and now thinks it should be forgotten about because he( my husband) has a right to a life of his own. I realise after twenty years of marriage and many efforts to try and make our life better that he will not accept any responsibility for our unhappiness. His forty year old daughter has always given a hard time by being rude and now her daughter who is seventeen comes over to our house and is rude to the point of being obnoxious. I have finally started to try and put a stop to all this when it is happening. My husbands tells me I am being antagonistic and hard to get on with even though he agrees that his grand-daughter is being rude. My husband expects me to take all of this just so he can his people at any cost to our sanity or self respect. My step was rude for years until I managed to make a friend of her. She did live in the country and since moving to Adelaide Australia our lives have changed because she is around more and I cannot make my husband understand that I am feeling angry because nothing is ever resolved. My husband tells me I insane, crazy, childish, hard to get on with and always giving some poor " bugger a hard time". I have always thought I could make it all work however since doing some tertiary courses on communicating and conflict resolution. However to my horror when I tried to talk to my husband about a better way of dealing with these issues in our life he totally rejects any true "commitment" to owning any part of the problem or the solution. I am truly perplexed and horrified to finally realise I am well truly alone in my terrible grief. Marie rose 11/2/10 Australia
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Date: Sunday, February 11, 2001
How Does Abuse Affect Men? How do I start this? I guess from the beginning.
I came from a poor family. There is nothing wrong with that. Many people do. However, I did not have a good male role model in my life. My grandfather was an alcoholic and mean as anything. My father was in and out of hospitals and seldom at home. When he was he was dominated by my mother.
I do not remember a time when I was hugged and I do not remember being told I love You.
I do remember earning my own money to buy tooth paste and then seeing my younger brother smear it all over the window. When I tried to stop him, I was beaten., NOT spanked...beaten. To this day, I think my dental heath suffers from that as I did not develop good dental hygiene as a result.
I also remember my sisters being treated better then I was. Oh I can not remember all the details about it but I do know early on I started thinking it was nice to be a girl.
Then one Halloween night when I was about 9, I went out trick or treating to get candy we seldom could get, The trick was on ME. I was kidnapped and raped that night, I remember all the vivid details to this day, I remember the man drove a 52 Ford.
I also remember being too afraid to tell my parents because I thought I would be in trouble for what happened.
I hid this from the world for over 40 years. I never told anyone about it. I started thinking women were superior. After all, women did not do these things., Only MEN did.
As an adult, these feelings were reinforced by society. I saw women being valued so much more then men. Why anytime a crime was committed and hostages were taken, the first thing done was to try to get the women released, That made it far more likely that armed intervention would take place since the women were safe... only males would die then. It seems as if this was OK with society,
I see this in history, When the Titanic sank the main thing that was needed for one to die that night was to be a male. It is more tragic that ALL the women and children could have been saved AND 212 more men had they not been trying so hard to keep men out of the life boats.
Then of course, we had the male bashing jokes. I am not repeating them. Too many people really believe them. Too many believe that men think with the “little brain” Too many really think men are always wrong. I too believed them for so long. I believed them so much I was spreading them too. Maybe it was means of coping. If you can not beat them join them.
Then the net came,. I have told you that by this time I had it deeply entrenched in me that women were superior to men. I could not put it into feelings at that time but now I realize I did not like being a man. I started finding web sites that were centered on abusing men. I will not even mention the name of some of these sites.
Then I got ICQ. I remember looking for random contacts by women that said “intelligent conversations wanted” I contacted them and said that left out half the population and I did not mean women. It worked almost every time . Then we both got into male bashing.
I even sent many of these women explicit cartoons and even some pictures but always about men. One of the cartoons was about a woman hanging her husband by parts she did not have. I often told women they should really do this to rapist and if the question ever came up about them being innocent,. my answer was at least they would be males. I often told them what they could do to these men in very plain language. I never used slang language for any of a woman’s; anatomy but we would use anything for a mans’. All of this was because of never hearing anything good about men.
It was ICQ that I started to tell women about my rape to let them know why I hated men and hated being one. However at this time I did not know I did not like being a male. I always told then women were far superior to men but “I” was an exception.
I found myself going to femdom sites,. Female supremacy that punished men for being males and often using parts these women do not have again. (it is a good thing I am typing this out and not telling it live so I can pause at times. It is not easy to think of these things again but if it helps just ONE man. to realize what I am about to say, or helps ONE woman to realize what is happening to our men and boys it is worth it. Anyway, one thing I did not point out when I started is that I did go to a youth rally when I was 12. it was Oct 1, 1958 that I put my trust in Jesus Christ for my salvation. This fact has made all the difference in the world for where I am today,
Although during these painful times in my life, I thought God hated men, that he was very unfair to men, He was always there protecting me...mostly from myself. He used my wife to whom I had been married for over 20 years to protect me. You see, with getting into these femdom sites I think if it were not for her, I would have turned fantasy into reality, I would have found some of these women and would be a slave to them now. It was the LOVE of a very Patient God that kept me from that. He even used a femdom site to get me out. I posted a question on a female supremacy board to ask why women were superior , It was at this time I was thinking of making a web site about why women were superior, This was on Deja new groups and I had posted about a 100 messages at that time. all about women being superior. Then I had a reply . This God used this reply to open my eyes. A women posted that she could care less what a male thought and that I could lick her a**.
Most men on this forum would have loved her answer. It hit me the wrong way thanks to God. I then started posting pro men things on Deja. ( I now have almost 2000 pro men post there)
This, plus telling about my abuse as a child, was the cracks in the dam that I had built over 40 years. Then one day this dam broke WIDE OPEN! I realized for the first time in my life why I was doing what I was doing. I realized I did not like being a man. It HURT., it HURTS to know you can never change what is hurting the most.
Since I was a Christian., ( I had gone to church most of my life but had stopped going when I got into the femdom web sites) I knew what I had to do. I deleted those clubs I was in. I erased the memory and the cookies and did everything but format the drive. I wanted all traced of this garbage gone. I then joined several Christian clubs on Yahoo and went to my pastor and told him everything. I started looking for more information on men that have been abused, I found Sue’s web page and have used the information in many of the posts on Deja. I then went to a Biblical counselor . The HEALING had at long last began. and it changed my life around.
A month after this I started a club called Shattered MEN. It is for abused MEN
Ken's Web Site
It still hurts at times. It hurts to see men being abused now but it is great to want to help them and not enjoy the abuse.
MEN are being abused even by society on a regular basis, Men are given longer prison terms for crimes women often get away with, THIS IS ABUSE
Men are often denies custody of their children when a divorce not of their making occurs, even when the mother has abused their children THIS IS ABUSE
MEN are denied the right to SEE their children even when a court so orders and they can do nothing about it but they better keep paying the support that often leaves them with very little to live on themselves. THIS IS ABUSE
Boys are being told in school verbally and non verbally that girls are better then boys. They see girls being valued far more then boys., Girls are given affirmative action to get into college (never mind more girls are going to college then boys now) They see women’s lives valued more then men’s, Remember, we did not go into Bosnia when “men” were being killed. We did go in when women were having “property” stolen from them. It tells men and boys that a woman’s discomfort is more important then a man’s life. THIS is ABUSE!
We still see it today. Russian is preventing men and boys from leaving a war zone. Shortly it will be illegal for them to be there and they can not leave. This means many boys from 12 on up will be killed wholesale but there is NO OUTCRY. Why? Because they are ONLY MALES! - THIS IS ABUSE!
We saw it this week (Feb 2000) when the president of the US asked for 220 Million dollars for poor WOMEN with cancer. Not a DIME for MEN! THIS IS ABUSE!
It does show greater value being placed on WOMEN and NO VALUE on MEN! THIS IS ABUSE!
The Violence Against WOMEN Act (and now part two coming) Shows it is all right to be violent against MEN and I do have confirmation from the Department of Justice that this does NOT give ANY funds to stop violence to MEN THIS IS ABUSE!
Is it any wonder WHY our men and boys kill themselves at five times the rate of females?
I firmly believe this could be one reason for the rash of school and work place shootings.
Many men and boys can not put a feeling on this. They do not know way they feel as they do, It took me over 40 years to do so and I have had extensive training in this area.
I have worked in psychiatry for 25 years.. If it took me this long, what chance do our boys have to understand why they are feeling inferior? Most MEN do not understand this either. Oh many come up with a MACHO image but is this a front? Are they hurting inside? I feel this answer is a very firm YES!
People, if we do not start listening to the cry of our boys, if we do not DO SOMETHING about all the socially acceptable abuse to our men and boys, SOMETHING IS GOING TO HAPPEN! Ahh but more then likely it will be that MORE MALES will die and for most that is not a big deal OR IS IT?
THINK ABOUT THIS? What if it is YOUR SON, FATHER, BROTHER, HUSBAND, UNCLE OR other male relative that is hurting so bad? Believe me IT HURTS to have these thoughts and for the most part, have only the pain and not really know why!
Is it not time to VALUE ALL OUR PEOPLE? BOTH MALE AND FEMALE?
WHAT CAN YOU DO? Tell the men in your life you appreciate them and then CRY OUT OVER THE ABUSE MEN are getting from, society. WRITE to Your government and tell them you will not tolerate it any longer and that you want FAIR justice and laws for ALL! WE NEED WOMEN to speak out they will NOT LISTEN TO MEN!
Please check out the club site to see what is happening in my life now. Post 22 is the most important post in the club!
Shattered MEN http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/shattterdmen
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Date: Tuesday, February 13, 2001
S1
Hello, my name is Christy and I have been reading these posts and a came across one that kinda sounds like my situation. I understand that when a man has a stressful job that he needs something to filter his mind, but he becomes obsessive with it, he comes home doesn't eat doesn't even take his coat or shoes off, just runs right to the computer to play an interactive game. He is verbally abusive to me and our three kids, he has been kick out of the game for half a month for saying cruel things to them as well, he thinks that I am trying to control him because I am interested in what he is doing and I ask him questions. I am interested because I love him and want to be near him, I want him to know I am, interested in him. He often is put in the middle of his mother\Father and his sisters problems, they think he should go fix them, I don't know what to do to change this, I'm truly considering a divorce we have been married 6 years we married young I 17 he 20.I grew up in an abusing home my father was that was physical and verbally, I want to stop this, I want my kids to grow up healthy mentally with good self-esteem. Thank you anything is worth a try. Christy
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Date: Saturday, February 17, 2001
S1
Today I woke up and it was the same earth. My prayers for transportation to a happier place were unanswered. But I noticed the Sun and it seemed to notice me. I found we were smiling at each other. Then the wind came. No gentle breeze. But this time I did not get blown over. I stood. The rain tried to fall and bring me sympathy. But I found I didn't need it. I was smiling through the wind and the rain at the sun and we both had a centre and we both still existed despite the wind and rain. So in the calmness of the storm I rearranged my prayer and accepted the presence of a rainbow.
Jay
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Date: Sunday, February 18, 2001
S1
Maybe it wasn’t abuse. Maybe it was just her frustration taking voice. Maybe it was just her being mad at my bullheadedness. Maybe the things she said were just empty words, trying to get a rise out of me.
But then why the constant double standards? Why then the accusations? Why then when I tried to get us to a marriage counselor, was I turned down flat? Why then all the mind games and power plays? Why was I always apologizing and seeking forgiveness?
Her boyfriend is visiting now, The one she picked up less than a month after I left, The one who asked her out first And got turned down
He showed up quickly, And carried on in my place
So I pace the driveway so late at night, Sucking down smoke and muttering to myself Shivering in the cold and in my own stupid futility
She never needed “me” Just the situation that I offered Security, a steady job Someone to make excuses for her Someone to take her crap Someone to jump in and sing “Here I am to save the day!” Someone with self-esteem for her to steal To replace that which she didn’t have
I tell myself on these nights that I could go back over there Apologize Beg forgiveness and come back home Back into the warmth of a shared bed
Reality strikes though and I ask myself What more would there be besides the warm bed? There might be affection, for a while There might be tenderness, for a while But soon, all to soon It would be back to her sleeping as soon as she got home Back to her blaming and naming and everything else Back to the misery I knew When I let her play her mind games with me
Why willingly step back into hell? Why volunteer to take on that misery again?
I’m lonely, But there is light at the end of that tunnel Over there, there’s nothing but darkness
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Date: Monday, February 19, 2001
S1
Dr. Irene: Is there an address where I can send an article I'd like your opinion on. The title of the article is "The Clinton Legacy." The subject is Clinton as sociopath. I need a little professional input to see if I'm on track. thanks JSR
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Date: Wednesday, February 21, 2001
S1
Never have I met someone so hateful, deceitful, insensitive, and uncaring, till I married you. I'm tired of being tread upon by you. Over and over you have threatened to get full custody of our child should I divorce you. What a way to make someone love you. Over and over, you promise I will never find someone as good as you...you treat me so well. If that is so true, why do I feel empty, abandoned, and "stuck"? I can't MOVE, or BREATHE without you knowing. I hate you to be perfectly honest. You can't laugh or smile and mean it. My beloved dog died, and you KNEW how much he meant to me.....and yet you accused me of "grieving too much". Be a man, love like a decent man, talk like a gentleman, and be a friend. The love is long gone. Don't look for it to return, because I sure don't. I'm in love with someone else. Although he's a piece of my past, a piece of my future, and a piece of my fantasies....it gives me the peace that I need to continue on. I don't care that who I am in love with doesn't exist. But in my imagination, he loves me back...he cares when I hurt, he never says a hurtful word, he doesn't criticize me...and he accepts me for me. Can you do that? No. You aren't capable of loving anyone or anything. You lack compassion, you lack a lust for life. And one day...you will lack me. I will be rid of your name, and will be living carefree...the way I was meant to. I will be free to fly, and won't look over my shoulder. I will run and run and run and run....and you will NEVER catch up to me. And should you find a way to catch up, I will then be in the arms of a man that does care, that does love life, that does love everything about me. Will I cheat on you? No. But I will get away from you.
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Date: Friday, February 23, 2001
S1
http://samvak.tripod.com/contents.html
Poetry of Healing and Abuse
TITLE: Prowling
The little things we do together to give up life. The percolating coffee, your aromatic breath, the dream that glues your eyelids to my cheek. We both relent relentlessly. Your hair flows to its end, a natural cascade, a velvet avalanche buries my hands. In motion paralyzed, we prowl each other's hunting grounds. Day breaks, our backs turned to the light in dark refusal.
TITLE: Cutting to Existence
My little brother cuts himself into existence. With razor tongue I try to shave his pain, he wouldn't listen. His ears are woolen screams, the wrath of heartbeats breaking to the surface. His own Red Art. When he cups his bleeding hands the sea of our childhood wells in my eyes wells in his veins like common salt.
TITLE: A Peace Accord
I wrote, Sally Ann, I wrote:
Shot from the cannon of abuse as unwise missiles do.
Course set.
Explosive clouds that mark your video destination.
Experts interpret, pricking with laser markers, inflated dialects of doom.
Hitting the target, you splinter, a spectacle of fire and of smoke.
The molten ashes, the cold metallic remnants, the core...
A peace accord between you and your self.
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Date: Saturday, February 24, 2001
S1
Little protests
Little words
No force
Unsettling words
Inconspicuous assumptions
But I still wept
As if they were knives
-by stimpy
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Date: Sunday, February 25, 2001
S1
Dear Fellow Verbal Abuse Survivors, this is a letter I wrote to my counselor a year after my divorce for a book she is writing, I thought this might help someone going through the same thing. email me at PerkyHit@aol.com if u would like to talk.
Dear Nancy, The last time we met you asked me what would say to some women in the same abusive situation about leaving it regardless of how long they were in the marriage. All I can do is speak from my heart. I was married to a verbally abusive man for l9 years. He would keep the emotions unbalanced. It was like living on a roller coaster. There was the months that he was terrific and most caring. The he would switch like two different personalities and be mean and hateful. No matter what I did or said it was never good enough. During the mean spells I would be put down so badly that it hurt as if someone took a knife and stuck me in the heart. The good times kept me off balance and hopeful and I guess that is why I stayed so long. Of course the mean times were blamed on me for not being what he wanted or needed. What caused me to change my situation? I believe it was that the mean times got longer and more violent. I was pushed, kicked, shoved and verbally abused until I had no self esteem left. I began finally opening up to my two best friends because I became such an emotional wreck, I couldn't really hide it any longer. They talked to me and made me realize that Hey! I'm a great person. I deserved so much better than what I was getting. No one , even a dog didn't deserve to be treated this way. I then begin to look at my husband as, how can you possibly love me and threat me this way? This is not LOVE! I would not even treat my worst enemy this way. When I realized the effect it was having on me and my children I knew I needed to do something. I cried all the time. But one night it just sort of clicked. He walked in and was so out of it from drinking that he couldn't even walk. He was sneering at me and told me I had no choice but to live with him. That I could not make if financially without him. I would do what he said, when he said it, and how he wanted it. He said you have no rights. I looked at this person that I had called my husband and realized this was a stranger! I did not want to live this way the rest of my life in fear of his mood swings and his demands. I did not deserve to live in fear in my own home, nor did my children. When I finally decided to file for divorce, I first asked my boys how they felt if I did this. They were calm and looked at me with such love and I will never forget their reply. My boys were l5 and l0 at the time. They said, go today mom, we will be fine! They said you deserve to be treated with respect and love. You do not deserve to the way he treats you. They never did shed a tear. They were relieved. I had no realized how bad this had affected them also. I always assumed I was staying for my kids sake. With my family's support and my children I filed for divorce. Now it has been a year since my divorce, I look with amazement at my children. Happier, healthier and funnier than I have ever seen them. I am not saying it was easy for me. I suffered terrible down times and cried many tears. But I have come to realize it was not for him but fur what I wanted out of my life in this marriage and it never materialized. My life has been better. The biggest fear is being alone for the rest of my life. Yet as time has passed I have come to realize there are worse things than being alone. I had rather be alone than live in fear. He was shocked needless to say and has a hard time still. He calls crying and begging.. I know many say I can't leave, I have to stay for my kids or I'm to old to start over. I'm 41 and in college and enjoy my life without fear. You can start over and have a wonderful and peaceful life. What if you die before your abusive spouse, you will never have experienced the peace that is waiting living in a nonviolent home. My self-esteem is better. I am enjoying friends and a few dates. But most of all I am working on finding out who this person called ME is after being pushed down for so long. Life is a short and fleeting gift that we receive from our one and true God. He does not intend for us to be mistreated in any way. I walked away knowing I had given it every chance including marriage counseling three times. I was afraid that after I left him he would straighten up and what a waste that would be, but the funny thing is that he has continued his destructive path more than ever. I do not know what my future holds, but it will be without fear in my home. I have become a strong person and a happy woman. My choices that I have to face is mine and mine alone. I encourage any woman who lives in this situation to take control of your LIFE. No person has the right to control another human being. Be strong and lean on family and friends to make this move that will be the best one your have ever made.....Email me if you would like,,, PerkyHit@aol.com
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Date: Tuesday, February 27, 2001
S1
Another sleepiness night, but still the quiet, and darkness is comforting. What will be tomorrow? How much more of myself will I lose? How much more can I give? I dread the daylight and all that comes with it. I mourn the loss of myself, eager to capture the serenity I once had. The freedom that I once held dear to me. Now, there is only sorrow., pain my only companion. Dignity a constant struggle. If only I could change the things that already are, to return to life and the living. I would give all that I own.........Maggie
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Date: Wednesday, February 28, 2001
S1
Here's what I'm wondering. If America is a 40 percent Fatherless Country, i.e.. that kids don't live with biological fathers, then is that related to Women Not Taking Any Abuse Any More?? Since we have a Choice did that change the Picture?? I'm very happy and content living with my kids and being a Single MOM. Every time the CHOICE was MINE. If various factors stress us out, job stress to produce more or whatever, then probably some of that GNP is kicked back into the FAMILY, a happier healthier family that is ABUSE FREE!!! Various tax programs make this possible, and I am proud to have an ABUSE FREE FAMILY. ( : ( : ----MerMade
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Date: Sunday, March 04, 2001
S1
Vicious Cycle by JLG Walker
In the beginning, over and over, two months ago...
Kiss and a hug Laugh, smile, and share Best of friends, so in love He runs my bath Seems to care Listens, gives, and takes Heaven, wedded bliss
Soon after, more often than should, right now...
Critical remarks Nip, bite, and grind Why don't you wear this? Your dress is not right I don't like what you're doing cause it doesn't center on me I'm your world You are mine Friends, interests, fulfillment Come second to his wants
Comes to a head, sure as clockwork, feel it coming on....
Blow up then cool down Sorry, tears, and guilt I said that in anger Do what you want What makes you happy? Just be with me Forgive, forget, and begin again I am free to be me
Here we go again, peace in the valley, can time it with a calendar...
Kiss and hug Think, see, and hear I've been here before But this feels nice He said he would watch his mouth And he is doing just that Peace, calm, but wary Thing will be okay this time, right?
Similar feelings, shattered tranquility, the ache returns....
Critical remarks Hurt, sinking, and fear I meant that as a joke, hon. Where's your sense of humor? What's wrong with you? And it begins again Dread, nervous, shame It's my fault, right?
This seems too familiar, happens faster now, trampled again....
Blow up then cool down Yoyo, shakes, and cry I didn't mean to hurt you so You sure do overreact Are you okay? And I say I am Sigh, wilt, and withdraw Why can't I simply walk away?
Vicious cycle, I wanna get off, scared outta my mind...
Kiss and hug
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Date: Tuesday, March 06, 2001
S1
Dear Daddy, How did I fail you today? Is my writing still slanting that way? But my hand is cramped and I ran out of paper. OK, I'll practice some more before I go out and play.
Dear Daddy, How did I fail you today? Is it because I didn't get another A? But I studied real hard and I did all my homework I'm sorry. I try harder next time for an A
Dear Daddy, How did I fail you today? Is it because I needed glasses right away? But I ate all my carrots, I stopped reading in the dark. I'm sorry, Dad, that its another bill you have to pay.
Dear Daddy, How did I fail you today? Is it because I didn't use my head today? But I thought before I acted. Please don't hit my head, I'll use it next time.
Dear Daddy, How did I fail you today? Is it because I passed my drivers test with mistakes? But I have my license, why can't I drive the car? I'm sorry. Yes, I'll wait until you think I'm ready.
Dear Daddy, How did I fail you today? Is it because I quit my job two weeks before my wedding? But I have to pack and get ready for the day. OK, Dad, I'll leave. I'm sorry you feel this way.
Dear Daddy, How did I fail you today? Is it because my house isn't clean enough today? But the babies are all in diapers and I have been up all night K. had to have help in the barn. OK, somehow I'll find more hours in my day.
Dear K, How did I fail you today? Is my shirt collar to low? But it's hot outside and there is no one here OK, I'm sorry I look like a slut. I'll go change it.
Dear K, How did I fail you today? Is it because dinner was ready right away? But I just got in from helping you I'm sorry, I'll work on it, ok?
Dear K, How did I fail you today? Is it because I didn't feel like helping today? But I am so tired and the baby's almost due I'm sorry I fell when you pushed me. I'm getting dressed, I'm on my way.
Dear K, How did I fail you today? Please tell me what did I say? It's ok, don't cry. I know I probably deserved it. No, it doesn't hurt very much, I'll be ok.
Dear Everyone I know I'll fail you today. It is because I can never do anything right. Just please don't let the kids see me. I think you'll all be better off this way.
--Tired--
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Date: Wednesday, March 07, 2001
S1
You Wonder?
Trust lost at the end on your fist the year our baby was born. Bullied to the cold corner tiles of the kitchen hunkering sobbing no escape. You towering hulking blocking the exit. Like a rabid hyena flesh tearing words searing threats screeching ripping ...til I was raw. Then unfathomable shame At my choice of you the lies to myself my family your family the stories that you were good and helpful and working when you were really viciously mean and frequently fired
Echoing "I'm sorry's" the morning after the vacant dullness of my eyes in the mirror aching doubt... unpredictable... you...
And now that you are gone You wonder? Why I won't take your calls?
by K. M. M.
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Date: Thursday, March 15, 2001
S1
once long ago a little girl small and alone decided to be happy and free it took lots of work and an awful long while but now when she's crying she don't stop trying
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 15, 2001
S1
I Tried
I tried, you lied
I tried to speak, you stole my voice
I tried to sing, you took the melody
I tried to see, you blew out the light
I tried to love, your heart won't mend
I tried to dance, you allowed no music
I tried to walk, you hid the path
I tried to write you broke the pen
I tried to create, you mocked me
I tried to listen, you covered my ears
I tried to fly, you clipped my wings
I tried to grow, you blocked the sun
I tried to unlock the door, you had no key
I tried to save, you refused to swim
I tried to fuel the flame, you dampened the spark
I tried to draw a breath, you withheld oxygen
I tried to smile, you bared your teeth
I tried to give air, you wouldn't breathe
I tried building trust, you tore it down
I tried storing hope, you shoveled it away
I tried giving strength, you made me weak
I tried to run, you crippled me
I tried to scream, you slapped me
I tried to escape, you jailed me
I tried mimicking life, you closed the play
I tried to educate, you chose ignorance
I tried making excuses, you told the world I lied
I tried to heal, you picked the wounds
I tried faith, you wouldn't believe
I tried truth, you gave deceit
I tried......
you lied.....
I almost died
Debi Meadows/Brenda Scroggs Survivors of Spouse Abuse dmeadows@ctcn.net
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Date: Monday, March 19, 2001
S1
Remember in raising kids, it is easier to raise a child in the right way than trying to repair a man.
Positive words will always build a heart up, anxiety brings a man down.
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, March 27, 2001
S1
March 27, 2001
Quotes from my partner I'm no longer with
"Shut the f*(k up and go to sleep"
Are you talking to me? Am I talking too much? Am I asking you questions? Would you like me to get out of bed, get dressed and go home?
"I don't answer "why" questions"
Are you talking to me? Am I asking you a question? Am I making you uncomfortable? Would you like me to leave the room? Would you like me to hang up the phone?
"It's not your fault, after all, I'm only a psychologist"
Are you talking to me? What did I do to make you say this? Is everything OK? What did I do? What did I say? Is it something I did? Did I do something wrong? Do I look wrong?
"You are too (fill in the blank)"
What can I do to make me better for you? What can I do to make you happy? What do you want from me? Do I seem sad? Have I been mean to you? Did I raise my voice? What can I do to better serve you?
What can I do to make you love me?