Comments for Wasn't His

Comments: Loved Me When I Wasn't His

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Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1998-2002. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

B1: Submit
Date: Monday November 18, 2002

S1

Daria, What a rough situation! How confusing. I would get away from this guy as fast as possible. Sounds like he doesn't know what he wants & if he does, it's not what you want. He's merely toying with you, and after he slept with someone else, that should tell you for sure. He's not interested in anything long-term with anyone. He just LOVES playing the game. Please find a way out & a way to move on. This guy is bad news. JM

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday November 19, 2002

S1

Dearest Daria, god, how I know how you feel.I went thru 8 years of it. It just doesnt make sense. There is no logic to it. Wed go from one end of the spectrum to the other..hed be kind and loving and turn into a monster a day later. It became so predictable...that no amount of pleasure was worth the punishment that was sure to come. My heart hears you and we will both be better off. C.S.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday November 24, 2002

S1

Hi Daria - This is awkward for me because I have never posted a comment to this site before, although I have read many of the articles and other posts. I was always too timid to give an opinion (probably the result of being in an abusive relationship for so many years). But I related to your story because something similar happened to me. I met a man through work who totally dazzled me to the point of leaving my husband of eight years. He was married as well, and I stayed with this man for over ten years waiting for him to get divorced and give me the life he promised for us. He finally got his divorce a year and a half ago, and all the pieces that I felt would magically fall into place never did. In fact, things only got worse. Our relationship, too, deteriorated into just sex, and while I was aware of that, my constant pleas to have something more nurturing only angered him. He said how much he hated to hear me say all he comes over for is sex because he felt it was always something more than that. I don't know what "more" he felt, because it was just sex. Then he would ignore me and the next day I was filled with guilt, shame and huge regrets. I remember reading somewhere where verbally abusive men have a tendency to compartmentalize their relationships from the rest of their life. That is how it was for me. I was good enough for him to come to my home, eat supper with me, watch television, crawl into bed, let him watch the weather, have sex and fall asleep. But there was never a heartfelt invitation to share his life, other than to come out to his house to do his books, watch him work on his cars or around the farm, or be a bystander while his buddies drank beer after work. The times I did convince him to do outside activities with me (and it was usually only after I pleaded with him) he would go but made sure I had a horrible time with his posturing and body language. I knew he had no problems with making a scene, so I spent so much energy trying to make sure I said or did nothing to provoke him that I was exhausted and just wished the evening would be over. So many times I broke it off with him and that would only make him angry. I would meet someone, go out on a date and he would show up and make a scene. He even hit a guy who was dropping me off at my front door after a date (he had been watching the house from down the street). But then he would charm me, take me places, give me the attention I so desperately wanted, and as soon as I showed remorse for having "betrayed" him, he would slip back into the pattern of ignoring me and my needs. I knew the relationship was killing my spirit and my self-esteem, but I felt caught. It was like he didn't want me, but didn't want me to be with anyone else. I was dying of loneliness and when I tried to tell him I needed more kindness and nurturing from him, he always blamed me for not getting it. Funny thing is (although not really funny, because it breaks my heart) when I finally took a deep breath and told myself, "Okay, I will try one more time to be the kind of partner he needs." My attempts only pushed him further away and infuriated him. He didn't trust me, trust my sincerity, said it was too late. Then he told me he met someone else and blamed me for that. He said I pushed him to it. They have only dated for a short time but I know he has already slept with her and he threw at me that he was going away for the weekend with her. My logical self tells me that he is following a pattern of isolating her in order to cement this new relationship in an attempt to make sure she doesn't abandon him. From Doctor Irene's comments in your letter, I wonder what type of personality disorders accompany a person that has an inability to commit. Because I can see now how he wanted me when I was unattainable (married) and then later (always breaking up with him and trying to get away) because I was safe. When I did finally agree to work on the relationship and truly offer myself to him, he didn't want me anymore. I guess I'm just trying to come to terms with what happened. I hurt so much over the loss of the promises and what could have been. But in looking back, the times we were together were never filled with joy. I was always responding to his anger and his moods, adjusting my personality, to fit how he was thinking or feeling at the time. I don't understand totally why I feel such a loss, but I just hope I have the courage and strength to say no to him if he comes back around after finding out she is not perfect either.

B1: Submit
Date: Friday December 06, 2002

S1

A metaphor for this situation that my grandfather used to talk about; the Dog With a Bone Syndrome. Take a mean dog. Give him a big fat steak bone. The dog will sit with the bone and do nothing with it. But as soon as someone else tries to take the bone away, the dog will take your arm off. i.e.; they don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to have you...

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday December 10, 2002

S1

Daria, this is a horrible painful situation and my heart goes out to you! I'm not an expert but learning about sex addiction and codependency at this time. I am married to a sex addict. I am a codependent. Some things I've learned about sex addiction is that like any addiction it stems from a skewed self image and low self-esteem. Winning a "conquest" is a way for the addict to validate him/herself. Sex addicts do not believe they are worthy of being loved. They often have one relationship with a person that they try to stay tied to but the other "temporary" relationships are just that - temporary. If you are unavailable then you are worthy of validating him or making him feel valuable to himself. If you are available then your self-worth is lowered in his view and not enough to sustain his needs. Please don't get into the codependent tangle with this guy! It is too much pain to live with! I hope you take these words to heart - been there - done that. bl

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday December 31, 2002

S1

I've been going through an almost identical situation for 4 years. We even split up and I started seeing other people for a few months. Unfortunately I we didn't completely stop seeing each other and we got back together after neither of us found anyone else. I thought it would finally be great. I thought he had finally realized what he was throwing away. Then the girl he had been seeing came up pregnant. Well he talked me into staying with him saying he wanted ME to be its mother, not her. Well, fortunately for me, he has begun his "retreat" again. Things were getting serious so now he is pulling away and saying he does not want to be with anyone, especially someone as clingy and demanding as me. But then why won't he just let me be? He wants to stay in control. This time I think I am finally getting tired of him and his bs. 2003 is going to be MY year. Daria, women like us DO deserve better. We cannot be taken in by great sex and a lot of empty promises in the beginning of a relationship. It will fade. The good ones are out there and we just have to be patient.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday January 11, 2003

S1

I'm realizing I've been there, and done that. Involved while I was married, finally broke up the marriage (partly for my boyfriend in hopes a total commitment on my part would make him love me after all, partly for lots of other reasons), by then the boyfriend had dumped me for someone else who was "sincere" and "really wanted to be around". He tried to get me back when we saw each other a month later, decided I was a slut because I'd started dating someone else, and was sleeping with someone new two weeks after that. We've barely spoken since, although we run a business together so I can't cut off all contact. In the context of the business relationship he still stalks me and tries to control my time (sending me documents for immediate review on Friday night so I won't keep a date), although I've made sure he's no longer reading my email or my phone bills. He says he'd like us to be "friends" but so far this means he can give me bad advice about my divorce and lecture me about my character flaws and what kind of person I should be. I finally realized I was unwilling to be judged as lacking sexual ethics for finding a new person I liked by someone who could start two new relationships and dump me twice in ten weeks...someone who'd been more and more abusive over the months leading up to my final breakup of my marriage. I'm finally seeing how much he hates me, and perhaps always did; he says he's bitter that I never committed, but partly I think now that was self-preservation-- if the rages and attacks and withholding had stopped, or he'd even aknowledged my pain over them, I would have been a lot less afraid to commit. I'm getting through my divorce, and I'm seeing someone who likes me and doesn't seem to be a sociopath. I know I don't need a serious relationship now, but someday I will....and not with an abuser. I'm still jealous and grieved over him but reminding myself of the hurtful things he's done helps, especially the many, many times he undermined my confidence and sense of myself and then attacked me for my lack of confidence and self-direction. All of you out there....hang tough. It's not fun but getting your pride back is worth it.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday January 22, 2003

S1

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday January 23, 2003

S1

Hello Daria, I have just been in a very similar "relationship" with a man. His name is Everett. At first, all the attention in the world. After our first "date", which was actually getting together after a film "wrap" party, for drinks, I had a "gut" feeling about him that night, but ignored it. After a week went by, I'd almost forgotten about him, but he called me, saying, "Why haven't you called me?". He then took me out on a wonderful date, and we ended up in bed for the first time. He spent 4 days staying with me, where I cooked, etc. This lasted for about 2 weeks, then he suddenly changed...as soon as I became really interested. He was very controlling and verbally abusive, "correcting" me all the time and showing me how to do things. He made me feel "off center" and eventually unsure of what the heck I was doing!! The progression from there was his backing off and my pursuing in vain, and his making out that I was "clingy". There is much more to the story, but I'll cut to the part where he introduced me to a Producer who hired me on some film shoots where my guy worked. He also came to stay with me for awhile, paying his share of the rent, as he was "between" places. It turned into a nightmare of control and abuse, at work and at home. Eventually I had to have a friend come over and get him out of here for what I believed to be my own safety! I was subsequently fired from the job by his Producer friend. So, lost love and money. Great. I'll never forget words he told me: "I'll never forget the way you look at me, or you standing in the kitchen in your little dress, cooking." He's one of those guys who does not respect women at all, and cannot be intimate with anyone. The funny thing is, I knew he was trouble to begin with, but disregarded my intuition anyway. That's something I hope will not happen again. We all need to pay attention to that first "gut" feeling, and have the strenghth to walk away from a potentially destructive person/relationship. Good luck!

B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday January 28, 2003

S1

Your man sounds just like mine-only I made the mistake of marrying him. Now, two years later, I ad my children are left broke and very confused. He has been gone only three weeks, and is involved with another co-worker. He "dangles" this in front of the children daily. They are the real victoms. Be glad you got out when you did!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday February 10, 2003

S1

Daria, I understand destructive patterns and can relate to your situation. I am also intelligent, attractive, and compassionate to people who have made mistakes. I have made my own share. I am currently, for the first time, excercising my better judgment and leaving a relationship with a man who is unaware (I hope so) of his tendencies for control, and abuse. It has not been easy. I know he was attracted to me when I was "safe" and I believe if I ever completely commit to him, he will lose interest immediately. I am determined not to repeat a pattern. I want to share my story but at the moment I want more to simply say, I understand. I feel at times the many of us are like bunnies, and once pounced on, our predators lose interest and get bored when the challenge is over. (My "boyfriend" says I am holding him accountable for all men who have been mean to me. ) Well, maybe it was when he spit on me and called me an "ungrateful ----" that I gained the strength to leave. My friends cannot believe I still talk with him, and the saddest part of all, is he has my family convinced he is the nicest guy in the world and they think I am afraid of commitment. I am giving up using my energy to try to convince them that it's not me, and all I am doing is recognizing that I was unavailable when I met him, and I must accept responsibility for my own part in the relationship and move on. I am going with him to therapy, if for nothing else to be able to share with a professional my thoughts and I suppose I have a slight chance for hope (yikes!) that he might one day get it. Sincerely, Judy

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday March 23, 2003