Victim Too Angry To Love
Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Courtesy of Dr. Irene
Matiatos, Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed
freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is
given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 26, 2000
S1
Dear Collin,
It sure sounds like your life has been rough. I have been married 27 years now and my marriage is ending. We also have three children, two of them have left and one of them is in drug rehab so he may not be home for at least a year. My husband and I are alone in the home for the time being. I have written to Dr. Irene waiting for suggestions to my dilemma also. My husband has decided we need to go our separate ways.
One thing I would like to tell you though that I forgot to put in my letter to Dr. Irene is that I have been in recovery for codependency for five years. I feel like my marriage is ending now because I have set boundaries and he no longer has the power, intimidation and control that he had. When I told him I needed space that included not having sex for a limited time, that was the last straw for him.
This time I am numb, don't have much feelings at all for him or anyone else, so I have a lot of work to do on myself. I do feel like that I have not forgiven him for all the things that he has done to me and for all the things I have let him do to me. I feel like an absolute FOOL to have let him hurt me so many times. I am also very tired of all the hurt.
I do feel like I have really tried in our marriage. I have tried to make amends through recovery in my codependency with my husband and my children, but I do feel like that amends need to be made both ways. I can't do this alone and keep a marriage.
He is manic depressive, has a drug and drinking problem. The type of problem he has causes binges of drinking and doing drugs which means that he may go for years and not do anything and then "Wham" he makes up for it all in one swoop.
I guess as I reflect over my past, I wonder why I stayed. That is something that I will have to work on in my recovery. I do need to give myself credit for a lot of things that I have done though. That is one thing I don't hear you saying in your letter. You talk from a martyr point of view and never really give yourself a lot of credit. In other words, you seem really down over the things that have happened and don't appear to have done any type of recovery work or maybe you just didn't mention it (like I forgot to in my letter to Dr. Irene).
I wish you all the best and hope you get help to work through your issues so your marriage is not destroyed.
Love, Connie
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 26, 2000
S1
I have to tell you, I was crying when I read this letter....as I experienced almost the same thing. My ex-husband verbally abused me and our children throughout our 20 year marriage. After he had an affair with my best friend, I finally had the courage to get counseling. It was through counseling that I came to understand the verbal abuse issue. I never realized how bad it was until I had the courage to leave.
We were married 20 years and have three teenage girls. I thought I was over all the hurt and anger, as I've been divorced for 1 1/2 years now. Now I have been confronted by my oldest because I turn away from an issue or argument rather than face it. I prefer to deal with an issue when I am more clear-headed and less emotional. She can't seem to understand that. (There was one issue last weekend in particular that I am referring to, but it's too long to get into.) So as I am trying to understand it myself, I came to understand that my ex's behavior during our marriage still has a grip on my behavior today. Before, I was never able to express my thoughts or opinions. I was stupid, my ideas were dumb, etc. If he was mad at me, he would back me into a corner and get in my face ,just screaming at me. If I tried to leave, he would block the door or take my keys, etc. So I would have to face an issue weather I wanted to or not. Now that I am divorced, I came to understand that I would rather back away from a situation (something I was never able to do before) than to face it. Each time I think about this, I am hurt and angry again at what my ex has done to me emotionally. He still doesn't understand how much he has hurt me and the girls. I once sent him the link to this site in an e-mail and told him to check it out. He e-mailed me back and asked why he would be interested in this site..... But the emotional scars are still there and I can understand what Collin is going through. I wonder if I would be able to let another person into my life if the opportunity arose. Thank you for a wonderful site. It has helped me a lot...P.S. I did a paper on verbal abuse for my composition class and got an A...thanks in part to your wonderful site! Shirley Thanks Shirley...Dr. I
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 27, 2000
S1
Hi Collin. Sounds like you're on the road to self-awareness. I hope that excess baggage and all wreckage of the past will fall along wayside for you piece by tattered piece. Takes time, perseverance, patience and love of self. I am experiencing peace and freedom of bondage from effects of abusive past. I am just so bored right now because there is no chaos and I don't know what to do with myself but I'll think of something. peace. Caroline
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 28, 2000
S1
Dear Collin,
I was deeply touched by your letter and could really relate to the part about holding in there because of your Christian values. Unless someone is a Christian (or devout to their own religion with similar values) it is very difficult for them to understand the guilt you feel that is heaped on top of all the other oppressive feelings from the terrible marital relationship. Well, I have to say that I have come to a point in my Christian walk that makes me realize that God did not intend for us to have this kind of life. Furthermore, if your wife did the things she did, it doesn't sound like she is truly saved (you know the scriptures, not everybody who says "Lord, Lord" truly knows the Lord). In that case, you are not bound. I truly hope that you will, through therapy and prayer, find peace. You certainly deserve it, don't you think? If you hang on to the rage (which is understandable), you're not going to get back at your ex-wife, right? She will yet be with you and ruining what you have said is a wonderful relationship with someone you love and WHO LOVES YOU IN RETURN. That is so important. Keep working on it. You sound like someone who can have a truly wonderful, loving and rewarding future if you set your mind to it. (Remember all the energy you put into "saving" your first marriage? Isn't this marriage worth at least that much?) Good luck and God bless! Karen
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 28, 2000
S1
Collin,
My abusive husband finally left me after almost five long, hellish years of daily belittlement, name-calling, emotional abuse, serial affairs (his), and "gaslighting" (mind games - trying to convince me that I was "crazy"). I too still have rage and resentment for having put up with it as long as I did, and it has nowhere to go; I too am still new at this recovery stuff. I can't offer too much advice; only that I've found that it takes much time and distance before you can get in touch with the person you truly are, and can become. Your twenty-six years has given me reason today to *not* feel so sorry for myself - compared to what you went through, my abuse happened in the blinking of an eye.
God bless,
Melissa
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 28, 2000
S1
Dear Collin,
I am the new wife of a man who survived 18 years of a verbally abusive marriage. A devout Catholic who agonized over the thought of divorce and leaving her with the now teenage children. He'll have to tell his story in time. If your new wife loves you as I love him, she will do what ever it takes to help heal the pain. Communication is an important thing in a relationship and you now have the ability to enjoy it. Just give her the chance to help. God Bless,,,,,
Colleen
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, February 29, 2000
S1
dear Collin, I write this because I care. Sometimes we think that we can love and pray a person into being loving and caring. We try to do the will of God. She obviously had problems and anger long before you came along. You were hurt because you were the easiest target. After years of abuse , I realized that all the love in the world is not enough for a person who does not love themselves. What happens is our esteem suffers and we see it as "normal" or accept it out of lack of confidence in starting over. Let God heal you. You can not get that time back. Whatever time you have left go forward. I am writing a book to help others. That is my way of healing. I thought to hit that man with my golf club but I decided jail was not the place for me (smile). Let her see you happen and let that be your revenge. I am here if you need me. Stay in prayer. Nina in Fla.
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 01, 2000
S1
Hi Collin. My name is Russ. I haven't been married for as long as but am close. we have two kids and if it weren't for them I would be gone. I know where you were, and from what I have been able to find out, it does get better. It takes a whole lot of work. Please find some professional help, and talk with your wife, she will be a bigger support to you than most of us men realize. Good luck Collin, and God Bless.....Russ
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 06, 2000
S1
Collin, I do hope you've told your wife about the difficulty you're having now with feeling and expressing love. She'll sense it anyway, so it will help her to know that you're aware of it too. If you can tell her how much you value her and her love, that you yourself are frustrated because you can't always express it, and that you know it's because of what's going on inside yourself that you sometimes feel distant toward her, she will appreciate that anyway. And Dr. Irene is right; do get professional help. You can lay the ghosts of your past and have the loving marriage you both deserve. Best wishes to both of you.
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, March 07, 2000
S1
You are in my prayers, Collin.
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, June 26, 2000
S1
Dear Collin, I went through 6 years of pure hell with a woman who was cunning; verbally, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. She was able to put a public face on that led close friends to believe she was a quiet, kind and normally behaved person. When it all unravelled, all were surprised about how good she wore her mask. She had fits of rage where her eyes went blood red. Over the years, she stripped me of my self-worth with verbal and emotional abuse. I felt my self-respect reduced to shreds? Yet, she would turn and claim that I was insensitive or uncaring and unaffectionate (I heard these things from friends after our separation). After leaving that relationship, I entered into a new one immediately. Now, several years later, I struggle to make sense of situations in my current relationship to a woman I love dearly. She has put distance between us on occassion, broken up, but I can't get a straight response about why she's done these things. I exploded in frustration, yelling, for the first time ever because she simply ignores any attempts to talk about our relationship and my questions. I think she's cheating.I am suspicious of her; the relationship is strained; I feel like dying from the pain of separating from her (so, I may be codependent); and I don't know if all that's going on is because of my past and its effects, hers, or if she is just very deceptive like the woman in my previous relationship. I am very confused about the situation. You're not alone.
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, November 17, 2000
S1
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B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, February 14, 2001
S1
trust is love. love is caring and sharing.god is eternal love. turn to him.