Comments to Recovery Map: Life During & After Abuse

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

I have read this incredible journey and am glad to find this wonderful woman was able to find and have her life. I am on this journey too and I pray I can be brave to go on. I wanted to ask...how do you find a good therapist that deals with this issue?

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

I have read this incredible journey and am glad to find this wonderful woman was able to find and have her life. I am on this journey too and I pray I can be brave to go on. I wanted to ask...how do you find a good therapist that deals with this issue? H.E.L.P.

 B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

Thank you for sharing your incredible experience. It has helped me more than words could ever express. Some days are better than others during the process and when a bad one hits, all I have to do is go to this site for strength, support and a reminder of why I need to keep pushing forward through the maze. Your eloquent story was just what I needed today. Best wishes and thanks again for sharing.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

WOW, your story is so much like mine. We have just split up and I feel it is all my fault. I didn't give enough. How is it they can have such power over you that you feel that you failed and are 100% responsible? I feel like a failure and that I am to blame. If I had only made things more special, had I spent more time had I given up more for them, things would be different. How long does it take to feel better and how is it they make you feel like they are the victim? That they are the ones suffering and that they are the ones who gave 100% and we failed them? They ay they are hurt and disappointed we let them down. WOW I'm the bad guy!

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

Thank you. I'm just now exiting a nightmare - and like the writer I'm reading books and everything I can get my hands on. It hurts so horribly - sometimes I think the aftermath pain is worse than the pain the abuse inflicted. What is comforting is to know I'm not crazy for still missing him, loving him. Financially I'm barely getting by, barely. Emotionally I'm of course much better. There was so much hope going into the relationship, I had known him for 10 years in the same business. Never really knew why his relationships all failed. Now I do. What a horrible surprise. I had never known abuse before, and it was hard to believe for the past 2 years, I just always thought it had to be me, of course. I'll survive - thank you for your help. Merri

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

And the people said - "AMEN".

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

What an uplifting and honest account of recovery!

Today some odd things happened which left me feeling that my husband was the real victim, and I was the abuser. I dove back into P. Evans' book, came back to this site, read for an hour or so, and then read this very frank and spiritual account of one woman's incredible journey. Her story is so like mine, except that I have been separated for only five months. It is a little early for me to feel like one of the eagles. (A pigeon is more like it.) But, for today, things are back in perspective, thanks to this sister of mine whom I have yet to meet. I have bookmarked this page and plan to come back as needed (read "often.") Many thanks to the author and to you, Dr. Irene.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

Your story sounds so much like mine. It has been two and a half years since I left my abusive ex. I am still, however; trying to deal with the fall-out. I can accept the fact that I allowed him to control me. And I have moved on with MY life. He continues to harass and stalk me even though he has moved to a distant state. I have complained to the local sheriff and they sanctioned him via letter. Unfortunately I am required to allow him my phone number so that he can talk to our daughter. Wishing that a meteor would hit him........

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

Thank you to this brave and strong woman...it hurts, I'm still in my relationship, trying to assert myself, and she's right on every issue. Taking responsibility for your own behavior and contribution to someone else's behavior is where I hope to be. It's the hardest road, and definitely the road less traveled. But with this site and reading posts like this wonderful insight woman's, I have a better map. Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

Life altering indeed! I am constantly amazed by the similarities in our (the verbally abused) stories. I could have changed a few minor details in your story and called it my own........up to the point of closure. I have grown a great deal, unfortunately I am still in great pain at times. I want you to know that as I came to this site tonight, I was having a hard time reading through the flood of tears......I'm so glad I did! I am so uplifted and encouraged by your story. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank You, You don't know how bad I needed this. God Bless You! Julie

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

Thanks so much for sharing. I can relate to so much of what you wrote and have to admit that I am tempted to email it to my verbally abusive husband who will be moving out of my home within the next couple of days. I am tempted to mail it but I won't because I figure that this is just another codependent attempt to try to get him to see himself as he really is and God knows I have spent way to much energy doing that. He is moving out because I have stood up for myself and my children, because I have requested that he go back to therapy, because I refuse to agree with his every thought, because I no longer want to be controlled by a man who has no genuine consideration for me. He is leaving because I know that I cannot go on in this marriage and maintain my sense of individuality or sanity. I am tired of trying to make everything okay. He is leaving and I know that I will be better for it. I am sad, yes, but I am also very relieved. I expect to go through some stuff here in the next few weeks and I like your idea of going to my journals to remind myself of how he treated me so that I won't be taken in by his charming but insincere apologies.

Thanks for sharing!!!! Mavis

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

I am in the process of learning lots of things which are helping me. Dr Irene's site has helped me and so has the emotionally abused woman by Patricia Evans. I have learnt so many new skills in such a short time. The biggest is personal responsibility. And saying how you feel. I went back to my abuser. I know the roles I've played in the past. I've had lots of support. Lots of changes have come about but it has taken lots of courage. I don't have physical violence to contend with but I do have emotional abuse. It was much worse until I started to stand up for myself in an assertive way. I don't feel guilty any more for the saying "Yes or no". I don't engage anymore. I take personal responsibility and I can admit the co-dependency which crippled me for years. I've so many new found friends to support me and help me to make changes. I've learnt from real people who've experienced what I've experienced and still am. One of them is a ex-abuser who has guided me through all of this. His wife left him and now he feels its too late. I myself have helped him to make the changes, he needs to make to over come his abusive behaviour. I have helped him to see how a victim feels. He has shown me how an abuser feels and is.

One day I may up and leave, however, I am enjoying my new found independence. I agree totally with what you've said. I do though think that if an abuser is made to see the consequences. To be told your feelings as I am learning. To have to clean up after his tantrums. He may see it in himself to change. Maybe this is being hopefully or naive. All I know is that my friend who is an ex-abuser has lost his chances, maybe after my husband has endure his mom running out on him, I might be his only hope in trying to change.

I've never ruled out getting out. For now though I am still trying.

From Still waiting.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

I enjoyed reading your story. I have a big problem. I am a mother of a daughter who is being verbally abused. I know it, and my daughter is realizing it. She is planning to be married in June. At the moment, her fiancé is not speaking to her because she went out to eat with me and her sister and did not ask for his permission. My daughter told us that if she disagrees with him, they argue and it is not worth it. My daughter is a teacher and is going for her Master's Degree. Jon tells her she is wasting money that they could use, and that she should wait until they are married and stable financially to go. Even though he has completed his Master's Degree. The two of them have purchased a house recently and anything she wants to buy for herself, he throws up in her face that the money could be better used for the house. When she is dressed up, he criticizes everything she has on. Now he is telling her that she depends on her family too much, and when is she going to grow up. My daughter is a very quiet and easy going person. But, she is starting to look withdrawn. When her father and I tell her why is she going through this marriage, and that when they do marry it will only get worse she says she feels bad about the money we put towards the wedding. We have told her that money makes no difference. When she tells him that she loves him, he will say "same here." He says that he does not need to tell her he loves her because she should already know. He told her recently, that she was to go to the store then wash his car and be back in 45 min. When she came back late, he yelled at her for wasting time. One more thing, my daughter had to write a short paper for her Master's class, and did not have time to type the paper, so she asked Jon to type it. He said sure (which was not like him). Well, anyway, she took the paper, ran out the door to teach, tutor, and then go to class and hand in the paper without looking at it. The next day, the professor hands her the paper back with a message saying to see her after class. She asked Danielle to read it. Danielle started to cry when she read what he wrote. Instead of "our" in a sentence he wrote "are", instead of "to" he wrote "too", and so on. Now Jon has a Master's in English. When she confronted him with this, he started to laugh and said, "I bet that is the last time you ask me to do your work." All she asked him to do was type. I ask you, is this someone who loves you and will do anything for you. Please help me. Evette PS My home email is ronflex@home.com. or my work is exflex@shhspgh.org

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

dear RMM thank you for sharing your story. I am so scared to admit that I am in a verbally abusive relationship. It means everything to know I am not alone. thank you, ---adele

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

What a brave and insightful woman! I have the same thoughts--"OH, I can't be a divorced woman", and "what about the kids?" and "I can't bear to hurt him and his family". But I'm proud to say NOW I see how Codependent that is.

I am not in the courageous place yet where I can say "OUCH, that hurts! and cut it out!" But this letter shows what setting limits "looks like". Thank you for writing it and to Dr. Irene for posting it.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

This story is truly inspiring. I am in a (verbal) abusive marriage. I relate to everything that has happened to you. It gives me some comfort that I am not alone. And, I'm learning more about this behavior. I am absolutely afraid of making a choice. I've been put down a lot by my husband and he doesn't appreciate me. He's threaten to leave me, if I don't shut up about our problems. He's been lying to me about going to work. I don't know if he's cheating on me. Now, I'm keeping quiet. Hopefully, one day I will build enough courage to move on with my life without him.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

Thank you for posting your story - so much of it I can relate to. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for the last 4 years. It ended last June when he threatened to kill me if I did or said anything that would hurt him. However, it is still going on in ways as of course I left with nothing and he has everything - which drives me mad sometimes but I realize I must accept how things are. But it's like he's got a new girlfriend, he has the house, he has the furnishings, the vehicles etc. He's in no pain, just going on with his life while the pain goes on and on for me. How do you deal with it? I'm having such a hard time getting over this - is there a way.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/15/2000

S1

WOW! This is the road I am standing on exactly and I read myself in between the lines. I am now ready to take that bumpy road less traveled, Because I never want to go down the "easy way" again. The cost of my self-worth and soul is just too much. I didn't realize up until that I have been taking small steps to this road of recovery and while I an somewhat unsure and scared it's better than anything else I have felt in a long time.

Thanks. Paula

B1: Submit
Date: 01/15/2000

S1

I only pray I come through my darkness. Someone once told me God keeps turning the fire up until you finally realize you are being burned and it's time to get off. I praying he is right because right now it is pretty hot and I know it is time to get off. I just don't know how. Thank you for your story it is very similar to mine only I still in the midst of hell.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/15/2000

S1

I don't have any comment about the story, but a complaint about your site - I have to scroll back and forth to read it. in other words, the lines are way too long from left to right and won't fit in my screen to allow me to read the entire line at once, without the constant scrolling. really an annoying problem

B1: Submit
Date: 01/16/2000

S1

Like others, this story is also my story. I'm just starting the divorce process...I left my verbally abusive husband two months ago. It's a very, very sad time in my life and I would like to hear from others who are "disentangling" from an abusive relationship. It's such a huge relief, but at the same time, such a sad and lonely time. If you're in this situation and would like to email me, my address is expansioncomm@juno.com. God bless everyone who is moving ahead to a better, stronger place in life. I know we'll all make it!! --Jemma

B1: Submit
Date: 01/16/2000

S1

Thank You so much for having the courage to share your store with others. I too am a victim of verbal abuse and must find the strength to leave. Articles like yours help me realize I am not alone. Thanks again.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/16/2000

S1

You know. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for ten years, and it looks as if we are finally divorcing. I get so sick to my stomach that there are so many men acting like children. What ever gave them the idea that they could be so abusive???? I have been through many attitude changing events during this time, and I am just glad to read every single story about all of you brave women who are not putting up with it. Whether you leave or not, the fact that you no longer buy into the "you are so lame..." attitude makes my heart rejoice. Its fun getting a life, isn't it? Laura

B1: Submit
Date: 01/17/2000

S1

Thank you for sharing. I saw so much of myself. Your #1 reason for not seeing it is what I finally realized, too; that I would have to end the marriage, give up the dream, face all the wasted(?) years. It was so hard to finally accept, especially after 19 yr. & 6 kids. Evan's The Verbally Abusive Relationship  also helped me tremendously. Also a tape series by Dr. Margaret Rinck on co-dependency (another wrenching eye-opener about myself). I've not gone down the recovery path as far as you yet. My husband just left Christmas Eve "99, as you said, they know how to ruin every special holiday, which he did consistently. We are currently (and I say, for myself, happily) separated. Although I have 6 kids, 10 months to 17 yr., & no job, etc., I finally feel I have hope for a better life. Thanks for confirming it not only gets better, but gets GOOD.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/17/2000

S1

I have been in two verbally abusive relationships, one of them right now. I tried to go to work this morning and when I got there, I asked my boss if I could take a personal day. I am drained, I look drawn, older than my years. I am lonely for companionship and long for my boyfriend to hold me and tell me it will be alright. But what happens, is the same every time. I am told that what is happening is my own fault, that if I treated him like a man it would be different. I have dropped out of college because getting a degree threatens him (I was in college when we met-he never mentioned it threaten him when we started dating). I have turned my back on a male friend (never been more than a friend) I went to school with and have known for over 25 years because my boyfriend says it just isn't right that I have a male friend that calls me. He said I can't be trusted. I've stopped hanging out with most of my friends (I live in Alaska, no family, but a large network or friends and people I do things with-dancing, walking, pot lucks, church, etc) because they threaten him also. He has bad things to say about each of them. Of course, the more they watch my retreat, they see what is happening from the outside. A couple of them have mentioned it to me.

I looked at my face in the mirror when I got up this morning and I was shocked at what I saw. I am on 100 mg of Zoloft for Anxiety Disorder and I believe now that I am depressed. Especially after reading this website. I believe I may be clinically depressed. I don't feel suicidal. But I do feel lifeless, expressionless. That is not who I am. Who I am is what attracted him to me and then it is what he came to hate and felt most insecure by. I want to be who I am.

I'm going to take my dog, David, for a long walk. I'm going to go by Barnes and Nobles and pick up "Men who hate women, and the Women who love them" and I am going to read it. I am also going to connect back with a counselor I was seeing until it became too uncomfortable. I quit seeing her because she said she was afraid for me. It was too awkward to think about what she said and stay in the relationship.

I'm going to change my phone number and change my cell number. That will eliminate two ways for him to contact me. He has been physically abusive to me so when I tell him that I no longer want to be in this relationship, I am willing to call the police if he shows up at my home. I'm ready to do that.

I've lived in Alaska for 19 years, it might be time for a change of scenery. Closer to family. My brother's about ready to have his first child. It would be nice to be closer to them.

Thank you for having this site for me to come upon. Thank you for sharing, in detail, your story. Wish me luck and determination to stay on track. Take Care.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/17/2000

S1

I have to say this letter cut straight through my soul to my heart as I read "my life and feelings" in this letter. I also endured physical and sexual abuse during my marriage to my alcoholic husband. I spent many years with hate in my heart for him but did not leave out of fear he would kill me, as he threatened countless times. So often our fights that lasted several hours ended in him choking me until I would start to black out. I would swear to myself I am getting out tomorrow! but then I would listen to his words of being so sorry and disappointed in his self and how I don't understand how far I pushed him and I have to really not do that. he would cry and I would believe his conviction that he would never hurt me again. Even though I told myself there was no excuse for his violent reactions and poor treatment of me I would always end up believing it was my fault, I made him lose his temper and lose control. Every night he would come to bed drunk and wake me up trying to have sex me. I would always reject him. then it would turn into a horrible fight. he would hold me down and force me. I would kick him and he would punch my legs. We would get in these horrible fights where he would call me so many horrible names and tell me I was just fooling everyone, everyone thought I was this great person I pretended to be but really I was not. Finally I just got tired of being hurt and losing in the end anyways so I began to just lay there and pretend to not even wake up. every night I would swear in the morning I am leavening. but then when morning came my responsibilities of my children and my house got the best of me. I thought as long as I was the only one getting hurt and I could hide that from the kids then that was okay. After all what wouldn't you do for your children. I wanted to be with them, if I left I wouldn't be able to stay home with them and my goal came to be I would leave when the youngest one started school and that way I could give them as much of me as possible. Once they were all in school during the day I could return to work and get us out of there. I couldn't make it that long I began to fall apart and fell into deep depression. I decided to give him an ultimatum either he get help for his drinking or I would leave. He went into rehabilitation. However that was the end of the nightmare I thought it would be. The physical and sexual abuse stopped but the Emotional and verbal abuse increased. I have been working diligently on my marriage trying to change him through changing myself. Getting rid of my Codependent characteristics and working so hard on myself. What I have come to realize is I can not make him secure enough to stop the emotional abuse. I am going to get out and take care of me and my children. I do not want them growing up in a home that will groom them to repeat the same mistakes I have. Thank you so much for that letter! it has made it so clear to me my decision is the right one.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/18/2000

S1

RMM, I couldn't believe how your account is almost exactly what I'm faced with in my marriage. I left my husband , but returned because we have a child and I felt it was the best thing for him. I've totally lost who I am and how I feel. I'm "paranoid" and he can't discuss anything with me because I'm irrational. Well, I'm trying to make the most of a really bad marriage. We really don't have a marriage, but a partnership in my opinion. I will revisit your essay, read it again.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/18/2000

S1

RMM, I couldn't believe how your account is almost exactly what I'm faced with in my marriage. I left my husband , but returned because we have a child and I felt it was the best thing for him. I've totally lost who I am and how I feel. I'm "paranoid" and he can't discuss anything with me because I'm irrational. Well, I'm trying to make the most of a really bad marriage. We really don't have a marriage, but a partnership in my opinion. I will revisit your essay, read it again.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/18/2000

S1

Dear RMM, At the moment, I am sitting here, wondering for the umpteenth time whether or not I made the right decision in leaving (after finding him in his fourth compromising situation -he has a lot of girl "friends" -in less than two years). You are sooo right, when I think of it, the only things I miss are the sex, holding him at night/or him holding me, and doing things together. I too, do everything around the house (I live in an 11 room monster with a two year old and a 16 year old). When I would ask him if he would do something, it was always "I was in the car for 5 hours....after working all week long, and you want me to help you?" (I also work a 40 hour job, and do transcription work on the side). The only time he did spend here (his job is 4.5 hours away - so he would only come home on the weekends) was last year when one of his girl "friends" spent a week in our bed. She did leave her pink panties as a calling card, as well as ringing up the phone bill, just to make sure I would find out...., but he has a "weakness," and I should understand. RRRIIIGGGHHTT. My "weakness" was taking his shit and humiliation for so long. Honestly, who would, if they were healthy. She was the first one I found out about - so I stuck it out for three more??!!!! Also, you hit a button, saying that you became forgetful, tired and stressed all the time. That was me, to the "T" (you should see my vitamin cabinet - I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me!). In the two months that I have left him, I have started my own (albeit small) business (on top of the other two I still have), and am taking little stabs at regaining my self-esteem and self-worth. Just this past weekend I learned to cross country ski; and have signed up for an ice climbing course in March. (I also hike, golf, sail, snowboard, make a kick ass salsa, and can cook the pants off Julia Childs - so good luck to him, I do have a lot to offer - damn it!) All of my friends would say "you are beautiful, funny, witty, (fill in the blank'" but it didn't matter what other people said - only what he (the king of my being and world) said!!! He would balance the abuse by telling me how sexy and beautiful he though I was, then tell me the next day that I should fix the chip in my front tooth, and do something with my hair, did "you even look in the mirror today?" I was never sure, until maybe this past year that I was even being abused. I thought I had some sort of problem taking any sort of what he called "constructive criticism" well. I have a long way to go - especially in the anger department. I cannot even talk to him, and haven't been able to without descending (rapidly) into a hate filled snapping match. Maybe accepting the responsibility will help dissipate the anger, I don't know, but this has been a tremendous battle for me lately. Over the past few weeks, I find myself having one-sided fights in the car; at 3am in the morning; at 4am in the morning; at 7pm at night; when another bill comes in; really anytime I think of him, and anything can make me think of him. I am consumed. I truly hate him. I would love nothing more than to never, ever see him again, but unfortunately, will have to since we have a child together. It would have been two children, but he demanded I have an abortion last July. I hate myself for that decision every day, and believe me, think of it every day. I have to learn to really forgive myself, and to let go. I cannot go back on any decision made, and I cannot blame anyone for any decision made, it was me, and it was a very unhealthy me. I just hope that I can forgive myself. Thank you for your story. I know that I am going in the right direction, I give you so much credit to do what you did, especially pregnant, and through the holidays. Mine were just as awful (I found him w/ his last "weakness" on November 6th, and finally had enough and called the game), so there were no gifts, cards, Christmas tree trimming, shopping for the kids togetherness at all. But, when I think of it, he would probably have had something (negative) to say about the tree; would've pooh-poohed the presents I wanted to buy; and had some derogatory comment about the dress I wanted to wear...you get the picture. "Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish," as a wonderful, healthier friend of mine would say. I just have to keep my head up, and realize that he's just a controlling, manipulating person that I don't have to spend another minute with. Right now, I am enduring the thinly veiled threats of him taking the house from me and the children. I make $20 too much for legal assistance, and the two lawyers I spoke with want $1500 and $2500 respectively before they will represent me (I take home 1,558.00 a month). Guess that I am (as usual) on my own, but know that I will find a way to keep the house, and get rid of the trash (say, maybe I can use that anger constructively for a little while?). Thanks again, sorry for rambling. Sincerely, MB

B1: Submit
Date: 01/18/2000

S1

WOW, what an inspirational story! I wish I could be that far along in therapy!.. You give such hope as we look at us and see all the pain around us and wonder how we will ever survive.. pay the bills.. etc. The part how much more independent you were (and are) compared to him.. is so much like my current abusive husband. I laid down boundaries.. if you EVER hit me I will file.. and since I filed once and came back I made it a very clear statement.. so he has had his chance. I am now trying to establish my boundaries and trying to feel once again.. like you I have no feelings.. that is one area I relate with so much!.. they strip us verbally abuse us and leave us without knowing what we feel.. what is happiness.. I am so thankful for your sharing and may your future be a wonderful adventure!

B1: Submit
Date: 01/20/2000

S1

Well I don't even know where to begin. much too much to say but I can relate very much to this story almost every aspect is what I've been going through. I have been gone from my relationship for 5 months now. I  would love to email this woman and maybe discuss some issues. this story brought goose bumps out how similar it is to my life. try Kristin bravestarr69@yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: 01/20/2000

S1

I read your story and found it inspiring. I am in an abusive relationship and find the experience of others helps to lighten the load I carry. I am not alone...... I am not alone!!! I am at the point now that I know life can and will get better. I will accept nothing less. It just the beginning, but it's also the end of the past.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/20/2000

S1

This was very enlightening to me to read. So many things reminded me of my husband. I have truly become a mouse in the corner and am hating him and myself right now. My husband makes mean remarks about my body, face, intelligence, cooking, housework, sexuality, family and friends. I have lost all interest in him sexually and am afraid to walk in the door at night. I only hope I can reach the point where I have the courage to stand up to him and just leave.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/21/2000

S1

Your story is similar to my 15 year marriage to a young, angry, abusive and controlling person. I left him at Christmas this year and he still blames me for not "trying". A famous psychic told me that I would be cutting the cord soon, and she was right. I got strong, got the nerve and did a face-to-face of daring strength and I don't know where it came from. But I knew it was time. I now live with my teenage son in my own place and am starting to buy furniture (I left him all the junk). I am happy and adjusting. It's not too bad after all to have yourself and treat yourself well. Also, others are coming to me and helping me and consider me to be a worthwhile person. I have no one to hide behind. I am starting to shine. Thank you for your words and expressing your struggle. You too are a shining star. Regards, Pat

B1: Submit
Date: 01/22/2000

S1

Good for you! What a wonderful, empowering story! Not only have you changed your own life, taken back your own power, but you are giving your children a great gift, modeling healthy self-esteem.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/23/2000

S1

I HAVE READ EVERY BIT OF YOUR WEB SITE AND ALL OF THE E-MAILS AND I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL THAT THERE IS THIS KIND OF HELP ON LINE. I AM A 50 YEAR OLD MAN NOW DIVORCED FROM A VERBAL AND VIOLENT ABUSER WHO WAS MY WIFE. I AM NOW SEEING A WOMEN THAT IS MARRIED FOR 22 YEARS AND SHE HAS BEEN VERBALLY ABUSED FOR THE PAST 20 AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT UNTIL I BROUGHT IT TO HER ATTENTION. IN THE BEGINNING SHE HAD A VERY TOUGH TIME STANDING UP TO HIM AND THEN SHE JUST CAVED IN AGAIN TO HIS OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR AND THEN SHE STARTED STANDING UP TO HIM AGAIN. EVERY TIME SHE WOULD GET TO A CERTAIN POINT HE WOULD SAY THAT HE WAS LEAVING AND THAT IS WHEN SHE CAVED IN AND WENT BACK TO HER SUBMISSIVE WAYS. THEN SHE WENT TO SEE A DIVORCE LAWYER SINCE THE VERBAL FIGHTING AT HOME ESCALATED AND THE WEEKEND BEFORE SHE WAS TO SEE THE DIVORCE LAWYER SHE COMPLETELY BROKE DOWN AND WENT BACK TO HERE SUBMISSIVE WAY AGAIN. I AM NOT A THERAPIST BUT I THINK THAT THIS A SIGN OF CO-DEPENDENCY AND THE JUST THE FACT THAT I CAN NOT SEE HER GO ON LIKE THIS ANY LONGER RIPS ME APART INSIDE. AND THAT IS FOR THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR HER. I AM GOING TO E MAIL HER THIS SITE SO THAT SE CAN SEE THAT SHE IS NOT ALONE AND MAYBE SHE CAN GET ON WITH THE REST OF HER LIFE. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS HER SHE IS NOT DISTANT TO LEAVE SINCE THE CONTROL THAT HER HUSBAND HAS IMPOSED UPON HER IN THE PAST 20 YEARS IS SO STRONG. BUT MAYBE AFTER READING YOUR COMMENTS TO YOUR E MAILS SHE MIGHT HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART. I HOPE THIS IS THE CASE BECAUSE I THINK IN LEAVING THE ABUSER AND GETTING ON WITH HER LIFE WILL BE LIKE GOING TO HEAVEN.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/24/2000

S1

I cried and cried. This is where I want my life to be. I feel trapped. But, I am getting stronger. I wish he would go find someone else. Then I would be free. I guess when the time is right for me, I will leave. I'm getting there. But, it is very painful. Thank you so much. God Bless you.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/24/2000

S1

Dear RAM, I can't tell you how much your letter meant to me. I'm going through a really rough time right now. I'm in my second marriage and am still fairly young - 38. Two weeks ago I asked my husband to leave. This was after being with him for 10 years, 3 of which we were married. I stood by him through his drug addiction - he now has 6 years of sobriety. He also had a fling 4 years ago. Two months ago I discovered he has been having an affair. He tells me he loves me but, is not in love with me. I've been feeling pretty lousy and have been seeing a therapist. It wasn't until last night that a person on a Christian message board suggested I do some reading on co-dependency and hence I read your letter. Your letter hit home in so many ways and has opened my eyes more than the last two months of therapy. I thank you and am so glad to hear how good you now feel about yourself. Again, thank you. I wish you and your family all the happiness life has to give.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/24/2000

S1

I am crying as I read this.... so much of this is my life. The verbal and emotional abuse I endured for so many, many years... almost 23 yrs. of marriage. I finally got the courage to leave.. over the years there were so many threats that he would kill me or the kids when they were young if I left. so I decided to wait till the youngest was 18. When she turned 14, I knew I couldn't do it any longer. I wished every day for over 10 years that maybe he would have an accident and die.. this would make my life easier... as he always said he would always make my life miserable if I left till one of us was dead. He is keeping that promise.. he won't let go. I moved out of state just to stay alive.. this on advice of attorney and therapist, and legal system. Will he ever let go,,, probably not. But I am trying to start over. I left with nothing. I hadn't worked outside the home. It is a struggle everyday. He would work when he felt like it and then not, figuring keeping little money would keep me. It helps to know that others have experienced the same. Cindy

B1: Submit
Date: 01/24/2000

S1

Dear RAM - I was so moved after reading your letter, now I understand that I'm not the only one and I can get out of this abusive relationship and still live. I'm in a similar relationship like the one you have described, but, and thank God, he is not my husband. I have been in this relationship for 2 1/2 years. About 10 months ago our relationship was really bad; I knew that he was abusive and a very good manipulator; I had to get out. At that time I was strong and had great support from my friends and family. I moved 3000 miles away from him. I thought that the distance would help me be strong and stay away from him (no longer could he bang on my door at 3 a.m.). But, like you stated from your experience, I was lonely and I missed the sex, holding him and doing things with him. When I went back East to see my family and friends for the holidays, I agreed to see him too. He knew all the right things to say to me and acted in a way that would make me think he had changed and that he is different. I believed him. Then he asked me to marry him - I said yes. A big mistake. It only took him 3 weeks to go back to the abusiveness - "You're stupid to live in California" "All you care about is your career" "You'll never have a serious relationship with anyone" "You're friends are all jerks" "Your dad is evil" "You're making move there so you better pay for it if you want me", etc., etc. I feel awful about myself - I'm experiencing depression again - I haven't felt so bad since I moved. I am back to where I was one year ago. I have no energy to do any of the things I love, or even to put in a good 8 hour workday. I can't sleep at night, I have let myself go in every respect. But, and thank God, I still live 3000 miles away from him - I'll be strong once again. I love myself enough to know I can not ever go back with him and endure the abuse. I will break off our relationship, this time for good! You have been a great inspiration! I am glad to have found this sight and will visit it often. I am also looking forward to going to the bookstore after work and picking up some of the books you mentioned. You have helped me a lot and I'm sure you have helped a lot of other people in similar situations. Good luck and God Bless!!!

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

WOW!! Incredible! Your life was/is my life! I am so moved by your story. I am still with my verbally/abusive husband. Trying to develop my self , trying to discover what I am after all those years of feeling like a nothing. I still struggle with it. Especially the part how you start in the relationship telling him all and then as it escalates feeling like he can use any thing you tell him now against you. I feel like I am fighting brick wall every day! I try to stick up for myself and say that is not acceptable only to have him manipulate the situation so that I feel responsible again. It is a uphill battle but one that I feel I will win eventually.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

After living with verbal and emotional abuse for 17 years, and finally deciding to get out, I know the recovery process is difficult. My whole life is changing - for the better - but with children I will always be connected to him. The verbal abuse finally became physical with my daughter and that is when I saw the light and asked him to leave. He had an affair the last year of our relationship and the abuse escalated because of the added pressure on him because of his affair. (I think that's the reason the abuse escalated anyway) I have a hard time separating the pain of abuse with the pain of his affair. He thinks the affair broke up the marriage, but I served him with divorce papers before I knew about the affair. I guess it's easier for him to pin it on the affair. He doesn't think he's abusive and the incident with our daughter was a "one time thing". He never even apologized to me for it. He blamed me for it because he was "under so much pressure" and I should have "lightened up his mood". His mood was always my fault too or else I had to put him in a good mood. It's crazy. Sometimes I think I still love this person which is really nuts and most of the time now I hate him. I guess it's hard to accept reality sometimes. anyway the letter was a good way to affirm what I had been going through myself and I do know that I am doing the right thing - especially because of the children. My 10 year old son should not grow up to be like his father and my 15 year old daughter should never marry an abuser like her father. We've talked about this and they understand his problems. They still have a relationship with him and I encourage it because I know that is important, but they don't spend that much time with him. they have healing to do too. It's all very sad. From MarLouise_2000.yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

Dear RAM, I have been in a codependent relationship for 14 years. I feel ready to leave but somehow he always makes me believe he will change. My daughter looked at me this morning and said he can't do it can he? I had to cry... because even an eight year old can see what I can't accept. My friends are so frustrated with me I don't know how they can even talk to me any more. It is really hard to change. I wish there was a way.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

I want to say that I am so amazed at the things you recognized and are able to put it in words so eloquently!

Although I have no problems with my relationship(s) - I am VERY SECURE in my personal relationships and have always stood up for myself, it is in the work place that I have had those feelings that you have described SO PERFECTLY!

Feelings of inadequacy can be expressed in relationships, but I have found that with me it is in the work place, and as a consequence, I have not excelled in that area of my life. In fact, certain people walk all over me - and although I get angry I never understood WHY!

The boundaries - setting boundaries - it all makes sense!

Thank you so much.. for putting words to my feelings of low self-confidence. For some strange reason I 'sabotaged' myself only in the workplace (I still don't know why I have zeroed in on that area of life rather than have faulty relationships).

I just remember thinking when I was little, and seeing the abusive relationships all around me, I remember thinking NEVER! I will never be in such a relationship - I deserve a loving and happy relationship as a woman and no man should treat women the way I have seen women allowed themselves to be treated in their relationships. AS a result I have had fulfilling, exciting and loving relationships. I totally trust myself in this area.

However, I instead allowed all my inadequacy come out in the workplace. As a result I have put myself into a position now where I am so dependent on people's goodwill and generosity that it sickens me. People are amazingly supportive, but I have come to a stage where SO MANY things have gone wrong in my 'career' that I've had to stop and wonder, "WHY." So - I searched on the web for self-worth topics and found this site.

I know this site is for people experiencing or who have experienced abusive relationships - but these feelings of inadequacy can actually come out in other areas of life too.

I agree with you that we allow these things to happen to us because we do not demand enough, we keep quiet so that we seek approval, we, in short, do not know our boundaries.

thank you for your story - it gave me much pleasure to hear your success and pinpointing all the things I have been feeling for way too long.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/26/2000

S1

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! What a brilliant road of self-discovery you have traveled. I have never met you, probably never will, but yet feel immensely proud of you. Aren't you the most wonderful human being. I am too!!

I will always remember your story, your power, and the precious way you have taken care of your soul.

Warmest regards, Rebecca

B1: Submit
Date: 01/26/2000

S1

I am so glad I came upon your letter to Dr. Irene, it is exactly what I had and have to endure as well, the bad holidays, not being appreciated, doing it all, because he would never lift a finger, and criticize me even when the house was spotless to say the least, I haven't been in this so called one sided relationship very long about 2 and a half years, I just want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I have just rented myself an apartment and got myself a job too! I am outta here!!!!!!! Thanks again!! L.G.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/27/2000

S1

Wow. Your story inspires me. Thanks for sharing it. My words are failing me... you explained things so eloquently. I will read this often and get strength every time. Thanks again

B1: Submit
Date: 01/27/2000

S1

I just stumbled across your letter. My sister is ending an 11 year abusive marriage and after reading it, it sounded like my sister writing it. All these abusive people follow the same pattern. She is in the process of the divorce and she is just totally losing it. Her mind is just so altered. What can I possibly do to help her? It is affecting her in every way and I can't let it affect her health, she has two small children to take care of. Please help. I am printing your letter so she can read it. I am glad you were able to move on. I hope she can to. It is just the most horrible situation I can ever imagine. Thank you for listening. bnlo@prodigy.net

B1: Submit
Date: 01/28/2000

S1

Thank you for sharing I am trying to get out of my relationship but have so many fears about going though with it. I know I will read your story again and again until I figure out what I am going to do. You make such sense and I feel a lot of what you wrote. I am pregnant for my third child only been married for three years but he has ripped my spirit out and I feel very little for him except he is the father of my children. wish me luck.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/29/2000

S1

Dumb found, What a message. I really needed help, I have had that controller with most men I have gone out with. I stopped when an Italian dug a grave and was going to bury me in it. After so long with verbal abuse and physical, verbal being the worst. However, I have had a controlling father for 42years, yesterday was the worse, When I was younger I was both physical and verbally now controlling and verbally abusive, all the family knew he would suffer a break down if he continued, and he did 3weeks ago, he was submissive, I came to his aid, helped him, with all the alternative therapies, Lavender oil, massage, all the things we could think off, he is on drugs, keep him real calm, I have had a real dad for 3weeks, but last night he thinks now he is cured, and left a tablet off, the abuse was hell, he had my mother, myself and my boyfriend crying, it was my boyfriend that made the stand and said, No more this is stupid, and walked out. Today I have been shaking cannot stop crying, I rang his crises center, and they advised me I must now make the stand. But after reading your letter, it not only confirms this but shows the light at the end of the tunnel, my mum tends to protect him, but she really is so brainwashed, when you said the look you get when you talk, my god I did not know that anybody else did this, it was scary as a kid, when he does it now and very often each day to my mum in front of any company or in the shops, my mum just keeps quiet. I am going to print your letter and quietly tie her down, gag her, and read this to her.... I really do not know why men do this. I refuse from this day on to accept this. I would like to say thank you so much for writing this down for others to benefit, and you will never know how many people you will have helped, because some will not leave a note, but anyone that is going through this will print this up and pass it to others, this I will expect go world wide. Thank you. Girls remember You are a human being, not their possession. As the health crises told me today, it is THEIR insecurities that make them this way, and I have found in every case with myself that has been exactly right.

GOOD LUCK...

B1: Submit
Date: 01/29/2000

S1

Thanks for that...I am still in the situation that you have luckily escaped, but it is articles like yours that give me hope and show me that change and survival is not impossible. Thank you sincerely, W.D.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/30/2000

S1

Thank you . . . I am so scared but I am starting to see the light . . .

thank you I am going to have my partner read this perhaps he will see us here I have...one thing you never say much about the kids which is my big excuse.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/04/2000

S1

Wow! thank you for a beautiful story. I just got out of a mental hospital, I have been dealing with the same things, I wish I would have read this long before it came to this point. He was a boyfriend of seven years, my husband and I had been married 21 years and had separated, little did I know what a was getting involved with, the nightmare the demons the pain and the guilt became unbearable. My greatest fear his new woman will cause all the changes in him I so desperately wanted for him.

God Bless

Melody

B1: Submit
Date: 02/05/2000

S1

I think the story posted here was really comforting, but I'm only 13 years old and have already been verbally abused by both my father and grandmother. I wish people didn't act like it's only adults who are verbally abused. Nobody writes books or sends in stories for us kids.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/07/2000

S1

I also was in a very abusive relationship and a miracle after 10 years God removed him he still calls leaving abusive messages but the law will deal with that I am getting healthy.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/07/2000

S1

Two weeks ago I left my verbally abusive husband. He was angry and shocked and reacted with accusations and more verbal abuse. Then he did something I never would have expected. He admitted his abuse, is now in counseling, and actually thanked me! He said he is determined to turn his life around, he has even begun to admit the abuse from his own childhood. He has accepted the unchangeable fact that I have a signed lease and the kids and I are going to take our time, watch and see. I need to learn to trust him again. I also read and learned a lot from 'The verbally abusive Relationship' it opened my eyes and I learned that it really wasn't my fault. I received a lot of strength from my God, my church has been very supportive to both of us. Thank-you for you site Dr. Irene, I wonder if you realize how many people you help!? Christy

B1: Submit
Date: 02/12/2000

S1

Your letter helped me to release the shame I felt for trying to make my relationship with my husband work, then trying harder, eventually ending up feeling like a failure. Your recovery inspires me to feel proud of myself for waking up to his abuse and finally getting out, after 30 years! Peace, Judy

B1: Submit
Date: 02/14/2000

S1

I just read your story and I am moved to tears. I was married for 30 year to a verbally abusive man. Even though when I read your story I see myself in the same situation, it is so difficult for me to remember what happened. You wrote my feelings and my experience. The abuse started soon after I met my ex-husband. I was married at 18, and responding to and trying to avoid his anger was my central occupation at home. I am a college professor and I pride myself on my intellect and yet I was so in denial that I could not specifically recall his behavior or understand my response. I was getting physical messages however, that I could not ignore. Migraines and arthritis, that now, 1 year after separation, are completely gone. Now I want to remember the verbal abuse as part of my recovery, no matter how painful. I feel angry for myself and for all of us. These stories have to be told. Women, young and old, need the knowledge and support to say NO. Your story helped me so much and I hope many others read it. Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/15/2000

S1

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I felt as if I was reading my own marriage history. I am in the process of separating now, and it hasn't been pleasant. Your story give me hope that I can get my life back.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/16/2000

S1

All I can say is wow! What an inspiring story! I am truly moved and feel somehow supported in my own struggle with an abusive spouse. Thank you for your willingness to share your story with us.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/17/2000

S1

very emotional story-hits home with me. I already know about the abuse. I need to find out how to deal with it. If that doesn't work, I believe I will need to get myself & my children out of this emotional hell. I worry about my kids & what they witness between us. I am fighting back tooth & nail but it doesn't seem to work. Plus I am pregnant & don't feel very good, & screaming makes me hurt.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/17/2000

S1

Dear RMM,

What a wonderful person you are! As I see the way your marriage went, I recognize the signposts along MY way, too. I did leave my abuser, six months ago, and I am ever so glad that I did. I am recognizing signposts in your recovery journey which I too have passed. My road still leads to places you have already been, and some of the details are a bit different, but the way ahead is clear, and I am taking it one stride at a time, and enjoying the view from the top of each new hill.

And that reminds me that most of my growth takes place in the valleys, not on the hilltops where the view is so fine.

God bless you, and thanks for sharing.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/20/2000

S1

I enjoyed your article and I say myself in a lot of what you experienced. I plan to reread your article and use some of your ideals related to finding closure as well . I also am preparing myself to prevent becoming involved in an abusive relationship. Thanks for sharing your experience with me and others.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/21/2000

S1

I too have been through some very similar things in my relationship with my boyfriend and am just beginning to try and reclaim my life and my identity. I too realize that I have played a role in this dysfunctional relationship by not making my needs and wants known but then just feeling bitter that he never recognized them. I see now that he couldn't possibly see my needs because he only sees his own. I spent the last two years doing nothing but looking after him and lost myself along the way somewhere. My self esteem has suffered terribly and I know that it is my responsibility to regain that self confidence. But at the same time I still miss him and want to be with him which is crazy I guess but it is how I feel. I would love some direction and advice.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/21/2000

S1

Dear RMM,

I am tremendously grateful for your sending in your story. My story is a lifetime of abuse, starting with child molestation as a toddler, and then having an emotionally absent alcoholic father, and a co-dependent mother. Then first love was a violent alcoholic, second was a pretty good guy that I blew it with, and now I'm in my 3rd and last marriage, to a very successful, very verbally abusive husband. And I am still quite young. I, like you, have always had one thing going for me, my intelligence, although I doubt myself so often these days, and to try to work on my college degree feels like I'm carrying a whale on my back, between "doing everything" as you described, and the emotional drain that he puts me through. I have for sometime now realized both his and my problems, respectively. I too know that I have to set limits. I am ready to leave this marriage (he says he will get help as soon as.........fill in the blank) for my own sanity, but I'm torn between two things: My common sense and my religious beliefs. He went out of town twice within the past two weeks, and it was the most joyous, peaceful time. Even the baby seems more relaxed when he's gone. But I fear what will happen to them if the home is broken up. I don't know yet what I will do about the marriage. I am trying to work on myself. But I wanted to thank you for your story because I feel as though my load is lightened a little, and that I gather some strength from your victory.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/22/2000

S1

I am so glad you wrote this and that it was available to see. I too was in a situation that I knew would go in this direction. As I did not have any children, and was only engaged to this man, I was able to bring myself to leaving. Thank God. Now, my best friend is going through the same thing with her husband. They have a three year old son. I am printing out your story and taking it to her TONIGHT. Thanks you again!

  B1: Submit
Date: 02/22/2000

S1

Thank you for your words of wisdom. How this sounds just like me after thirty years of marriage my husband tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. I know that he has already had one affair 18 years ago and I'm sure he is now although he denies it. I realize that I have been a codependent for many years and I want to feel good about myself again if that's possible. Why do we let people do this to us and for so many years? Thank you again cas

B1: Submit
Date: 02/23/2000

S1

I have experienced this and am not completely recovered but very encouraged by what I see is possible. It is by the grace of God that I have gotten out of a bad situation. It is by the grace of God that I see my role. And it will be by the grace of God that I fully recover.

Thank you for this website and thank you for this much needed information. God bless!

B1: Submit
Date: 02/28/2000

S1

Dear RMM, I am going, unwillingly, to sign divorce papers on Wednesday, after a 2 year separation. I say unwillingly because despite knowing with all my heart and mind that the things you say are true and that your story might as well be mine, I am still grieving for the dreams I'd had and for the rejection and feelings of being deceived/let down/betrayed (because he left me and HE was the abuser and it makes NO SENSE!) My ex was a little more subtle with his abuse and it took me until just recently to realize what it was. The first book i picked up made me hyperventilate right in the store -it was so accurate. At any rate - I feel like I've come so far and yet I'm still crying over it all. But i know I'm a very strong person and it's reassuring to know that one day I'll be like you and truly feel in my heart that this was for the best. I am especially encouraged to read that you said that's why God made sure he left. I feel that way too - that it had to happen, for my own self-development. I'm sorry my ex couldn't see our problems and separation more as a time for growth and learning about ourselves AND each other. But, unfortunately, he thought he had nothing more to learn.

Thank you for your story, t.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/29/2000

S1

I liked your story, and I want you to know I am about to leave an abusive man, largely because of this web site. He is a good person who is abusive and controlling in subtitle ways, and it has taken me a long time to realize why I should leave him -- not because he deserves it, not because I want to hurt him, --but because that is what I have wanted deep deep down ever since the beginning of our relationship. And I haven't done it because of all the other people who have abandoned him and let him down. I haven't done it because I do care for him. The hurt I am about to inflict wracks me with sobs. But I can't build a life with someone I don't trust. I'm scared, worried about how he might react, (explosion imminent) worried about what his family will think of me, worried worried worried. Scared. Icy scared. But I feel like I have woken out of a deep sleep. Here is a little something I wrote about what I did in our relationship. It is about what I DID, not what he did:

I am slowly being murdered by my wish to dissolve myself in a big glass of someone else. Into my empty vessel I pour stolen proxies for that which I lack. I trade my self respect for a constant struggle to gain his grudging notice. A sense of self worth I replace with a constant pursuit of his seldom-spoken praise. Is it love or thirst I have for him? I am so parched, how can I ever know? From his cutting words, body language and his broken silences I mix a toxic potion and hungrily, eagerly drink it up, not caring what dribbles down my chin. And the more I drink from him the less he seems to give, until the day I will gulp down mouthfuls of air and leave him staring, perplexed, into an empty glass of a woman.

From now on I'm filling my own damn glass.

Peace be with all of you.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/08/2000

S1

After much research, and "surfing the net" - I came across this site. It brought a tear to my eye to read so many accounts that parallel my own (or very nearly so). My biggest (OK, second biggest) problem is currently that all of these sites, supports, postings, etc., that I can find . . . are for women. Now, while I agree that most abusers are men, there are situations that are quite the opposite. Making matters worse is the stigma attached to being a male victim of spousal abuse. I have confided in a male friend and a family member that refused to believe that a woman could be abusive. Try talking as a male victim to others that you are a victim of this kind of behavior and you will get such reactions as this, or reactions that imply: "you wimp", or "why don't you take it like a man," or "you must be a controlling man or she wouldn't do that," or "you must be abusive too." She refuses to admit that she "has a problem" - She says I am the one with a "problem" (I am ADD). What gets me are the ones who seem to believe what she says because it is politically correct to do so and because SHE could never do those kinds of things to someone like me.

Thanks - Just a guy trying to remain sane.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/08/2000

S1

I am 57 and ill. I don't know how to get out. Boy do I relate to almost everything you said about him. He has all the money I will get nothing.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/26/2000

S1

I have just finished reading your story and I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been living your story for 22 years and 1 week ago, the ultimate happened and I am reaching for all I have to find the strength to go. Friday March 17th was an ice storm here in New York. As I was the last one to come out of my office i slipped and fell on the ice in the dark, and came up with blood pouring down the back of my head. I knew I was in big trouble, as I went back into my office and just sat there staring at the phone. I was alone and afraid to call my husband knowing that my imperfection of falling would open a barrage of criticism for being so stupid to fall like that. Instead of moving quickly as I knew the back of my blouse was getting wet with blood I was frozen in my tracks wondering how do i tell him what has happened. Now i am in trouble, I will be late getting home. I picked up the phone to call an ambulance for myself, but i hung it up, knowing that he would be especially mad if I traveled to the hospital by ambulance. So shaky as I was, I began to drive myself to the hospital. Seemed like the least damaging way to handle it. Once I was at the emergency room, they took me immediately as they could see my hair and clothes were soaked with blood. Once the doctor told me I was ok.. and just needed some stitches, I called my husband. He took the information silently, which I knew meant I was in big trouble. Within 10 minutes after hanging up with him, he was coming through the doors of the emergency room. For a moment I was so happy to see him because he cared enough to come to me. Until I saw the fire in his eyes. His anger at me was swift and cutting. He hates that I have taken small steps recently to find my self confidence, my independence. After being home with my babies when they were younger I went back to work. I have nothing more then a high school education but I found a file clerk job with a hotel supply company. Within months I was given a sales position, and I have done well. The job has meant more to me then I can explain. I lost 100 lbs, and found that not only do I have a brain after all, I have a wonderful personality, and I am attractive enough to feel pretty. Something he always told me I wasn't at 250 lbs. Well his first target when I fell was my job. He hates it. And I was instructed I will no longer be working any over time. I will be home as soon as my shift ends. No longer can I decide if I need to stay longer to finish a project. And he wanted to know how I could be so stupid as to fall. This has been the culmination of so many years of abuse. Up until 5 years ago, there was physical as well as verbal abuse. I have been bruised, hit and even chocked so hard I felt pressure in my eyes. But I don't make enough to be on my own. I know I can work 2 jobs and would be willing for my freedom, but what happens to my children then. I have a 15 year old boy and a 10 year old boy. The older boy is at a difficult age, struggling through life and it is made worse with the struggle at home. He is often the target of his dad. But how do I work 2 jobs and never be there for them. Who will care for them and make sure they are safe and making good choices in life. I have never been so scared and alone. I also wont lie I fear his anger if I tell him I want a divorce. How do I get this all straight. I have found a counselor for myself. I don't want to save this marriage...he wont go for help. I just want his anger out of my life and my kids life. I wish he had another woman. I just wish he would go.  Sincerly, doreen

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Date: 03/28/2000

S1

An amazing and authentic story. I pray for your continued happiness. You have taught me to have hop as I move to stop my wife's abuse by preparing to leave her. You show me that I can enjoy life if I am willing to insist on it.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/28/2000

S1

This story is all too familiar. The abuse I have lived with, however, went beyond verbal, but not so much so that I was ever beaten to a pulp (physically). I have three children and will be going back to school this fall (after moving in with my mother) to finally do what I've wanted to do for so many years I can't remember. There are so many things I thought insignificant like getting my hair cut and colored that he accused me of being selfish. Things like taking classes to upgrade so that I can go to school and get my degree. Well, that was selfish too. How could I possibly do that to our finances, even if it did mean in the long run we would be better off. All these things I wasn't allowed to do because I was being selfish and self centered. And I began to feel that I was. I was unable to even buy new sheets for the bed because I was doing it selfishly. How sick is that? The more I read, the more I realize this. And, yes, I am a co-dependent learning not to be. He left in January after I told him enough was enough. He is very angry and refusing to take responsibility for his behavior, but I have come to understand and believe that is not my problem. I am only responsible for myself.

Thank you for putting in print what I know to be true. Thank you for sharing your story so that me and others can learn we are not alone.

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Date: 04/03/2000

S1

I read this and let me tell you it is almost my life word for word... if you would happen to have any advice for my email me please... I'm 20 have 2 children, I'm not married but I live with there dad and he is both verbally abusive and physically abusive but i want my kids to have there dad but he really doesn't deserve our 2 precious babies. Am I being selfish??? please respond sugarmama1979@aol.com jessy

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Date: 04/04/2000

S1

I a male 49 years old am likewise a victim of verbal abuse from the female side in so far as I am trying to find out the answer do verbally abusive people really recognize the fact that they can be this way and how can you get them help to save this marriage - I have a special needs step-daughter that her mother refuses to recognize that has effected her but because she is not verbal can not tell me or her mom of her feelings any help in this regard would be appreciated thanks mike in Brookfield wisconsi ntuaseme nf

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Date: 04/08/2000

S1

Your story was so inspiring to me. I am going through just about what you say you went through. The controlling husband. I don't know what to say. I am almost in tears. Reading your letter is almost like reading about my own life. Only I still live the abuse. And probably will for a long time to come. I am inspired by you. God Bless You! I hope one day you all will hear my story. But I don't think it will be too soon!

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Date: 04/11/2000

S1

Thanks you so much. Today I was having one of those days of feeling that I would never have life or joy again. Bless you.

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Date: 04/14/2000

S1

I am so happy to have found this website! Just three weeks ago I ended my four year relationship with a verbally abusive man. For the four years we were involved I believed that this was the man of my dreams, my soulmate and life companion. Well...IF he could just modify his behavior somewhat...IF he could follow through on his promises to me, IF he would really be there for me even when TRAVELLING (frequently he would disappear for weeks at a time claiming he needed some space), IF he would learn to control his RAGES and stop HUMILIATING me in public, IF he would start picking up his share financially, IF he would love me like he loved me when we made love ALL THE TIME..... WOW ....a lot of if's...I am not sure when I lost track of all of them. Why did I stay so long? Why do I still long for him? I have had to put blocks on my caller ID and email address due to the abusive messages he has repeated left me. The amazing thing is that I have ended our relationship twice before and then I have been the one to crawl back to him out of loneliness... Please help me to be strong this time. I am in therapy now and that will help. I do not want to restart this relationship. If I am strong enough to let it go I am sure that he will not pursue me. I am the weak one. I am the one that is most likely to call him... after the sting of his abuse wears off and I am alone again. I pray for strength and wisdom. I hope that this site will help me!

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Date: 04/28/2000

S1

I was insprired by your letter, God wants us to live a happy fruitful life. I am so tired of being called filthy names, cut down, scared, making execuses. For 35yrs. I've taken this abuse, some phycial, mostly verbal. Please pray for me, I want him gone and to be confident enough to go on and not lose my home. I wish my parents were alive, but at least I have myself, don't I? thank you for reading my letter. barbara

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Date: 05/08/2000

S1

I just open my eyes!

God help me!

A scare lady. Hum!! Yes i'm a lady.

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Date: 05/12/2000

S1

Dear RMM, Thank you soooo much for sharing your strength with us. It has given me hope that there is light at the end of this very long tunnel. I cried through your entire letter as if looking into a mirror. The only differnce is now my husband is in counseling and begging for another chance, a chance that I do not have the energy to give. I have given so much of myself to this man and he took and took till there was nothing left to take. I cannot give anymore without losing myself again. Call me unforgiving but it is time to focus on me, what I want and what makes me happy. Something, like you, I let him take away. May God bless you and continue to shine his love on you and your children. Stay strong. Keg

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Date: 05/16/2000

S1

All well and good. I myself have come to all of the same conclusions but not out of the situation. I have even less going for me than she did. Lot's older, no education and no family for support of any kind. Besides having a handicaped child. Although things look bleak I somehow still have hope that one day he will be gone and I will have a life worth something. This story touched me deeply and the similarities and realities were all so familiar. It helps to know I'm not the only one and maybe there will be some solutions for me someday, somewhere. Thanks, Sue

B1: Submit
Date: 05/22/2000

S1

I wanted to contribute my story but RMM did it perfectly with one exception that I want to add to it.

I'm 64 years old. I put up with it for 41 long and miserable years before I got out last year. At first, I stayed "for the children's sake." Then when they were grown and all out of the house, I stayed because I was disabled and could not work. Believe me when I say that the loss of your income escalates the abuse. You become worthless. Last year I reached a point where nothing could possibly be worse than staying and I wanted at least a few peaceful years before I die.

The message here is that those who know they are in this type of relationship should get out now regardless of the children if they cannot see any hope. My family became dysfunctional and all three of my grown children have had very serious problems of one kind or another. As I read elsewhere, children are "programmed from birth" to this type of abusive behavior.

I wasted 41 precious years of my life trying to do what I thought was the right thing for everyone and I will never be able to get those years back and I don't have very many left. JJ

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Date: 05/31/2000

S1

I too am an verbal abuse survivor. I have been divorced from my abuser for 4 years and have a 4 year old daughter. She is the reason I left the relationship, had it not been for her I would probably be in the same situtation. After 4 years I just recently came to realize that what I had suffered was in fact abuse, I now know that what happened in my marriage was through no fault of mine. It sad but when I originally left my husband he still maintained his hold on me, by letting himself into my apartment or threatening to knock my door down if I didn't let him in. This went back and forth, he would call me then would tell my family that I was abusive toward him and that he did nothing but try to love me and our daughter. when the divorce date was set and we were to go to court he called me that night and told me that he "would tell the judge to force me to live with him" and that he "would refuse the divorce if it was not done his way" at which I became so angry that I suffered a severe asthma attack after speaking to him. He then called hours later to tell me he was sorry but I made him angry and I should just take him back. We where finally divorce I talked him into giving up custody of our daughter by offering to take on all the bills, which he jumped at, since he didn't want to spend money. Sadly I must say he still managed to maintain his hold on me, until my daughter was 3 years old and in anger because he wanted me to run some errands for him he picked her up and swung her over the stairs as if he was going to throw her over, I immediately got a restraint order and now he is allowed only minimal supervised visitations with my daughter and is not allowed to have any contact with me unless it is in writing and in regards to my daughter. Shortly after i recieved a letter from him asking me to forgive him for all that he had done, and he asked if we could work things out. I simply crumbled up the letter and tossed it in the trash, not thing twice about it. he never received my response and never again abused me. I'm trying to recover now and grasp all that has happened. all of this as made me so angry towards men that I cannot seem to get past the mistrust and am unable to cope in new realationships, immediately breaking off contact if one thing is done that I don't like. Will I ever get over this anger? I don't know. I hope that someday I can put this behind me and begin to live my life again. He chipped away at my self esteem and that has been the hardest thing for me to regain but I am trying. I'm glad I found this site and have realized I am not the only one who has suffered this kind of abuse. thanks for letting me vent. Mari

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Date: 06/08/2000

S1

Just read ur story, and I can't believe that I can relate to many of the things that you said, But I am not sure I am living with an abusive man!!! I am not sure it's not my fault and I over react to some of the things he says are jokes, I do not have a job, I can not drive, And I feel hopeless, I have always thought I knew people so well, But I can honestly say I am not sure

B1: Submit
Date: 06/09/2000

S1

Thank you. It is as if I were reading my own story.

B1: Submit
Date: 06/15/2000

S1

Oh, to be able to live from a center of love rather than fear.............I must try

B1: Submit
Date: 06/25/2000

S1

Whoa. It's very very late (or very early) and I've been here all night...I am in a verbally abusive relationship. I have been with him for five years, married. I have had support from the outside, even left him once (he's yelling from the bedroom right now,"can you type quieter", and I'm trying...") I am moving out next month, hopefully the distance will help.So, yeah, I am depressed, easily distracted, I've becomee the lazy, forgetful bitch he told me I was. I've allowed him to define my identity far too long. I feel almosst lucky-I have a profession, which should pay my bills okay, but I have no family here and my history with the family I do have is a history of neglect (abuse through withholding, since I was small) and they are unwilling to help me. They're Christian and believe I should stay, no matter what. I've asked them for help- when I tried to leave before-and they refused. I have some friends, but when I tried before they avoided me...They're his friends too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not the abusive one, especially lately, when I've had real problems dealing with my anger, no, my RAGE about the things he's done and said...which he feels aren't all that bad. But I know my anger;s fine-I just need to learn to deal withit myself, and not throw it back. Just cos someone else is an asshole, doesn't mean I have to be. thank you so much-this whole site has helped me immeasurably. jg

B1: Submit
Date: 06/28/2000

S1

WOW, This was a really great post! I left my abuser just over a week ago and this gives me such hope for my future without him. He is already calling me and asking me if he can come over and stay the night, but I have been firm in telling him "NO" even though he keeps saying "how can you do this to me now?" Duh! does he even realize what he has done to me, does it matter that he has destroyed several things of mine while he is on one of his power trips? At any rate, I this is a great insperation to me. Thanks so much! MB

B1: Submit
Date: 06/28/2000

S1

Your letter was incredible. It really hit home with me. I have read it over and over. Finally, I realized that the closure I needed did have to come from me. I thought all along it had to come from him. The last time we spoke I told him that to remember I was nice to you. His reply: I was nice to you too. Now, I see so clearly. Thank you

B1: Submit
Date: 06/29/2000

S1

Thank you so much for you posting. Although i can relate to much of your story what is most striking is what you managed to accomplish at your weakest points. One hell of alot! Your story caused me to reflect on my own accomplishments during four years of abuse. Start a bussiness,president of a nonprofit the list is long. And all these things done with an "abuse hangover". Youre right I have been in fact the independant one. Thank you for reminding me! Ilish

B1: Submit
Date: 06/29/2000

S1

Thank you so much for you posting. Although i can relate to much of your story what is most striking is what you managed to accomplish at your weakest points. One hell of alot! Your story caused me to reflect on my own accomplishments during four years of abuse. Start a bussiness,president of a nonprofit the list is long. And all these things done with an "abuse hangover". Youre right I have been in fact the independant one. Thank you for reminding me!

B1: Submit
Date: 06/29/2000

S1

Thank you so much for you posting. Although i can relate to much of your story what is most striking is what you managed to accomplish at your weakest points. One hell of alot! Your story caused me to reflect on my own accomplishments during four years of abuse. Start a bussiness,president of a nonprofit the list is long. And all these things done with an "abuse hangover". Youre right I have been in fact the independant one. Thank you for reminding me! Ilish

B1: Submit
Date: 06/29/2000

S1

Thank you so much for you posting. Although i can relate to much of your story what is most striking is what you managed to accomplish at your weakest points. One hell of alot! Your story caused me to reflect on my own accomplishments during four years of abuse. Start a bussiness,president of a nonprofit the list is long. And all these things done with an "abuse hangover". Youre right I have been in fact the independant one. Thank you for reminding me! Ilish

B1: Submit
Date: 07/07/2000

S1

I left my husband of 7 years for very similiar reasons. It felt so good to read an account that rang so familiar with me. At times, it is hard for me to accept the fact that he was abusive and that I allowed it to happen. I kept thinking that I was too strong for that when in reality I was being beaten down on a daily basis. I have been out of it now for almost six months and have found a new respect for myself. I also see my marriage in a completely different light. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping others see the light.

B1: Submit
Date: 07/13/2000

S1

After reading this story, I fully understand that what my few friends are saying is right. My husband is verbally abusive. In our three years of marriage, he has stranded me twice. He's spat at me, made me feel like I don't have an opinion and made me feel scared to death that I might mess up somehow. The way he has been treating me has seeped over into my work life, as my co-workers and even my boss have expressed concern. There's no food in the house, I can't have lunch money because we're broke... yet he will go out and buy a $125 fish tank! I reached the highest weight I have ever been at last month. Now the weight is dropping off because the only time I eat is when he makes something or takes me out. (I work full time and go to school full time.) I'm getting so sick of it. I'm tired of not being able to do things because he doesn't want to do it or being afraid that he will make a scene. He calls me stupid, selfish, you name it. He lectures like he's my dad, takes away my checkbook and ATM cards when I don't make a Quicken entry and makes me feel horrible about myself. Then he apologizes, makes me dinner, and we cuddle all night. I could use the support as I educate myself and learn how to take the next few steps after my discovery. Please e-mail me at progressivemp@yahoo.com if you would like to talk.

Diane

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Date: 07/26/2000

S1

Thank you for your words, I took back my power today. I can totaly relate to giving it away.You helped me a great deal today.

Ellen

B1: Submit
Date: 07/31/2000

S1

To rmm

Your story is very helpful. And like you, I'm in the recovery process and what hurts the most is that I'm left alone with a baby on the way. I was living with my boyfriend and his verbal and physical abuse was just too much for me and I finally moved-out since it wasn't healthy for the baby. Everytime I think about how he treated me, I get mad at myself for letting him do that to me for such a long time! I printed your story and posted it in my bedroom wall for a reminder and inspiration that there is something out there for me: It's my life back!

B1: Submit
Date: 07/31/2000

S1

Dear R.M.M.

Thank you for such a painfully eloquent account of your life and lessons. You put my life to paper too. I am answering this because I am presently deep into this struggle myself and I am feeling total terror. I know what I must do but the outcome seems so risky.

Even though you have described my relationship with my husband as though you were there, there are some differences. We will have been married 38 years this year. We have been through some very difficult times together and have raised 5 great kids. We now have 4 grandchildren. I am very grateful that we had a secure income and home to accomplish this.

You describe so precisely the feeling of being alone. I believe I am at the end stages of this terrible condition and I must get out or I'll become a vegetable.

Rationally, I know I am very capable and contributed much to the fact that our family is so 'functional'but emotionally I am terrified to attempt financial or social independence.

I have been able to put my plan together and I am impatient for all the factors to fall into place. There is the slim chance that counselling will save our marriage but I am not optimistic. I am firm that counselling must happen if there is to any consideration of remaining together.

I tend to flip-flop in my committment to my plan from moment to moment. I have about 6 years to continue earning an income(God willing) and then I must rely on old age security, legal settlements and splitting of our assets. This will drive my husband into a rage because our modest assets are his pride and joy. I will cross this bridge when I come to it.

Thank you again. You have done a wonderful service to many a distressed woman. I wish you a very happy life ahead.

SM

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Date: 07/31/2000

S1

Oh my God!!!!!! I can't believe what I just read. It is me!! I can't help but cry, I am so happy for her, she is free. If only all stories had happy endings. I am still after a divorce of this man and 13 years of being together still HERE. I feel I have no way out,Yet. But anyway, I am so very happy for you and I am so Very Proud of you (if it matters).

B1: Submit
Date: 08/08/2000

S1

Hello.

I just want to say "Thank You" for giving us the priviledge to read your story. I am on the same journey as you but I still have a way to go. It gives me reassurance to know that there is the proverbial "light at the end of the tunnel". Good luck and God bless.... Denise :)

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Date: 08/20/2000

S1

It is 1:30 AM and by a miracle I found you. I have never felt so low and then saw such a ray of sunshine.

I'm so happy for you, I don't know how I got stuck in this again, (yes, again), but I think tomorrow might be better thanks to you.

LL

B1: Submit
Date: 08/20/2000

S1

It is 1:30 AM and by a miracle I found you. I have never felt so low and then saw such a ray of sunshine.

I'm so happy for you, I don't know how I got stuck in this again, (yes, again), but I think tomorrow might be better thanks to you.

LL

B1: Submit
Date: 09/07/2000

S1

THANK YOU!!!

B1: Submit
Date: 09/10/2000

S1

Thanks for sharing your story. It gives me hope for a better future and you have reminded me on how lonely I was in this marriage of 20 years which ended last Oct. 99. Right now I am in the thick of legal wranglings and understanding him more gives me the strength to fight for what I now believe I rightfully deserve. He has tried to tell me several times how I am not deserving and is still trying to play the same games and is so angry that I no longer back down. He has lied to me about money and has constantly be abussive that I do not trust him and will not negotiate with him and I have had my first win. It doesn't feel like a win as the cost are so high but there is no other way.

Warm regards.

Aus.

B1: Submit
Date: 09/13/2000

S1

Hello RMM, I just left my boyfriend of 1yr. 8mos.. I left him because I felt lonely and unappreciated. I was very unhappy for most of the relationship but it never would have occured to me that there was verbal abuse involved. You're story has given me hope that I too will never let this happen again and that happiness will come in time. Thank you for sharing your story so eloquently. best of wishes

B1: Submit
Date: 09/15/2000

S1

Dear RMM, Thank you for your story and congratulations, God Bless. Your account gives hope to all of us. I am leaving an abusive relationship and can relate to everything you said.

Viola

B1: Submit
Date: 09/22/2000

S1

I am presently going through these stages all at once. I am so relieved to hear someone with the same story. You have given me the information that is going to help me not just survive, but find happiness, for myself and my children. Any one can survive, my ex is, but poeple like you and now me, are the ones who really live. i printed your letter and will keep it forever, and Thank You.

B1: Submit
Date: 10/03/2000

S1

I was in a verbally abusive relationship for 18 years. I am now happily divorced, but am first learning what impact such a long relationship does to you even after it's over. I have 2 books but haven't read them yet. I will in the next few days. I have a lot of healing to do. Also, I have 2 sons ages 9 and 12, and joint custody. I would like help with 1) How to tell if they are following in their father (and grandfathers) footsteps? 2)How to help them deal with how their father treats them? 3)Teach them to respect women. They are terrific boys, scholars and athletes, nice, helpful, respectful. Puberty is around the corner and I'm wondering if others know what to look for or how to keep them from becoming like their dad and grandfather. I'm just starting the road to recovery. I've reclaimed my life, now I have to reclaim my mind. Eventhough I knew he was wrong when he belittled me, I still have deep seated fears. Reading about others who have gone through similar experiences really helps. I look forward to(I'm also scared) finally healing.

B1: Submit
Date: 10/16/2000

S1

Wow! It is like reading my life story. The best part about the story is that she is further along than I am and therefore I can look ahead and hope for the peace she has found. I have struggled with many issues in leaving my husband and nothing has been as soothing as this site. And then to read my life as it unfolded was incredible. THANK YOU!

B1: Submit
Date: 10/17/2000

S1

I have found a wonderful place for verbally abused women right in may neighborhood. I encourage all people in this situation to seek help somewhere. I only found them a couple of weeks ago, but having some place where everyone knows what I've been through helps immeasurably. Healing is painful, and it changes how you think and remember things. It changes how you perceive your life. You realize how it slowly took YOU out of YOUR life. Your life became what he wanted. You count. Don't let it continue. It takes a long time to get to this point and it takes time to put it into perspective. Look for help, it's out there.

B1: Submit
Date: 10/22/2000

S1

I think her story is very encouraging and gives me hope. I tried to leave 13 yrs. ago and found out that the financial stress and the emotional stress of seeing him date another woman I was not strong enough to endure. I know I sold myself out but my children were hurt just as much leaving him as they were staying with him. So I was left frustrated. I know now that they are older and ready to leave the nest I am ready to face growing up and out of control. Teri

B1: Submit
Date: 10/24/2000

S1

This is a wonderful story. Needless to say you have reminded me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just got out of a verbally abusive situation. I found out that the verbal abuse is more subtle and insidious than the physical abuse. And I have also noticed that since more women have become independent financially that this form of abuse is more adaptable than a physical a-- beating. I think more men are beginning to use this form of abuse on women than the age old physical abuse. Why, because it cuts to the core. Sometimes it may take days or weeks to experience the effects, but once we do, we find out that we are too paralysed to move because our self-esteem has been sucked right from underneath us without even knowing. Thanks again for this inspirational story of strength and your road to recovery.

B1: Submit
Date: 10/24/2000

S1

This is a wonderful story. Needless to say you have reminded me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I just got out of a verbally abusive situation. I found out that the verbal abuse is more subtle and insidious than the physical abuse. And I have also noticed that since more women have become independent financially that this form of abuse is more adaptable than a physical a-- beating. I think more men are beginning to use this form of abuse on women than the age old physical abuse. Why, because it cuts to the core. Sometimes it may take days or weeks to experience the effects, but once we do, we find out that we are too paralysed to move because our self-esteem has been sucked right from underneath us without even knowing. Thanks again for this inspirational story of strength and your road to recovery.

B1: Submit
Date: 10/29/2000

S1

I am not sure what to say as my situation is not as grim as some of the other writers. I have only been with this person for a year and a half, we are not married and have no children. My verbal and emotional abuse has been in the range of subtle "put downs" said jokingly or playfully to him telling me to "Get the hell out of here!" I have often hoped he would "do something" i.e. cheat on me or hit me to "snap" myself out of it and get me to leave. I have gone back a few times now but feel as thought this is defintiely it. The subtle abuse is almost worse because it chips away at your confidence and makes you confused about what is really going on. Now I know what is going on and I'm taking steps to get out of it. I'm done with the roller coaster ride and looking forward to finding the peace I deserve. Thank you for allowing us to share our thoughts as putting them into words makes it seem all the more real. Best of luck to everyone out there in a similar situation.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/01/2000

S1

you are a very brave lady

B1: Submit
Date: 11/02/2000

S1

I am shocked to read my own story....the story I am living through right now....with a man I met on the net....everything I am saying is wrong and he wants to change me into the image he sees me to be...but for him I am to strong to give completely in....and so he provoks me until I get angry and tell him off.....than his spoken bad language is my fault and it is my fault that he wants to walk out on me and it is my fault that he walks out the door slamming it behind him because he needs some fresh air.....I hope I can let him go...

C...CHILD_OF_FAITH@yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: 11/02/2000

S1

I am shocked to read my own story....the story I am living through right now....with a man I met on the net....everything I am saying is wrong and he wants to change me into the image he sees me to be...but for him I am to strong to give completely in....and so he provoks me until I get angry and tell him off.....than his spoken bad language is my fault and it is my fault that he wants to walk out on me and it is my fault that he walks out the door slamming it behind him because he needs some fresh air.....I hope I can let him go...

C...CHILD_OF_FAITH@yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: 11/15/2000

S1

Its an amazing story. i see alot of it in my relationship, except i dont have kids, and im afraid he wont leave, I will have to be the one that does that if i can ever get up enough strength to do it.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/15/2000

S1

Its an amazing story. i see alot of it in my relationship, except i dont have kids, and im afraid he wont leave, I will have to be the one that does that if i can ever get up enough strength to do it.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/15/2000

S1

Its an amazing story. i see alot of it in my relationship, except i dont have kids, and im afraid he wont leave, I will have to be the one that does that if i can ever get up enough strength to do it.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/15/2000

S1

Its an amazing story. i see alot of it in my relationship, except i dont have kids, and im afraid he wont leave, I will have to be the one that does that if i can ever get up enough strength to do it.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/15/2000

S1

Its an amazing story. i see alot of it in my relationship, except i dont have kids, and im afraid he wont leave, I will have to be the one that does that if i can ever get up enough strength to do it.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/15/2000

S1

Its an amazing story. i see alot of it in my relationship, except i dont have kids, and im afraid he wont leave, I will have to be the one that does that if i can ever get up enough strength to do it.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/22/2000

S1

Thank you so much. My story nearly mirrors yours, except I married after college. I don't think I would have left him, I kept hoping the nice man would return. He left for what he believed to be a better caregiver. I am very grateful for this. He would tell me I had mental problems when I ended up in tears after his berating sessions. My intellect and parenting were fodder for him also. I could not fathom why he was so mean. It has been a difficult road as he launched a war to "win" full custody of our child. He charmed his way into considerable assistance from others, in addition to his exploiting his ties to the judicial system. However, we still have shared custody. I have see-sawed in my recovery. I recognize I no longer "count the cracks in the tile" as I walk, but the self confidence is not always there. I hope with time I will trust my intuition again and learn not to put everyone else first. It is mildly strange (sometimes liberating, sometimes frightening) to make my own decisions rather than to take the path of least resistance and do whatever results in the least negative consequence. Thank you again so much for your sharing and inspiration.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/30/2000

S1

Dear RMM, That was a tremendous story and I admire your courage and strength. I am a man who is in a relationship with a woman who was verbally abused in a previous marriage. I knew that she was emotionally hurt, but I cannot fully comprehend how she felt. It disgusts me that a man can treat a woman in such a manner. I read your story in an attempt to gain insight to this problem facing women. In my relationship, I found that I have fallen completely in love with her. I want to be able to help heal her scars from her previous marriage. Thank you for your story. It has help me to gain a little more understanding of the abuse and mental mind games that could be placed on a spouse. I want her to know that if she needs any support or comfort, in any form, I am there for her. Always. I know how deeply words can cut through a person's soul. MN

B1: Submit
Date: 12/08/2000

S1

Dear Former Victim:

Thank you for writing this email! You are an inspiration to women like me, who, I'm sorry to say, can identify with your story all-too-well. When you asked the question about if your husband had not left and/or you had stayed in the relationship, what would you have given up/missed out on, I can definitely tell you that the answer is, "too much!"

I met my soon-to-be-ex-husband in high school. We dated until I graduated and then married. I knew something was wrong. I knew I wasn't happy. But I was so naive and unprepared to recognize and deal with his manipulation and control that was subtly disguised under a big-wide grin and seemingly out-going personality.

I stayed for 17 years before I left! And it took more from me than I have the time to name. I finally got the nerve to leave him 6 months ago, and I am on the road to recovery and healing.

Having admitted my rage toward him and over the last 20+ years, I'm focusing on empowerment for myself and my children, especially my 13 year old daughter, who continues to be manipulated my her "beloved" father whenever she has contact with him.

But I refuse to turn around! I want to be healthy, whole and independent, so that I will attract the same qualities unto myself.

Most of all, thank you for reminding me that there is a thin line between empathy and stupidity, and that I cross it everytime I start feeling sorry for him, listen to him, or attempt to reach out to him.

I must learn to protect, value, and love myself more!!!!

It's nice that you had the support of your parents. I did not have that. My mother loves him and caters to him, and when the kids and I needed a place to stay right after I left him, she didn't want us at her house. She opposed me and condemned my decision everyday. It made the road harder for me, and, eventually, I decided that if I had to walk the road to wholeness by myself I would. My two children were angry and resentful with me for leaving their dad. They saw him as the victim and believed the things he told them. It was so hard, but I was determined.

I have had a lot of learning to do over the past 6 months, and I have come a long way. I admit I still have a ways to go. But I will do whatever I have to to get there.

Take Care.

Thanks again!

Janet

B1: Submit
Date: 12/12/2000

S1

Dear Janet, Please hang in there. The road is hard but the rewards are great. My boys were mad that daddy left too. Dad said it was my fault (I was too fat-a size 12-and couldn't keep the dishes done) and I didn't have the heart to show them what their dad really is. His girlfriend and I aren't too different and now I watch my former life from the outside. She's welcome to it. My new life consists of a small but very manageable house that is all mine. A boyfriend who is brilliant and kind. Two boys who have seen their father through different eyes now and understand why we aren't together anymore. I'm more of a family now than I ever was when I was married. Like everyone else, I was with my ex 18 years. It's a shame that this type of person takes so long to recognize and takes so much of your life. Please realize the journey is for your childrens benefit as well. It's necessary if you don't want them to marry the same type of person you did. My dad was just like my ex. I didn't see it until many years later. My life almost was identical to my moms. They only know what they see. If you aren't treated well then they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like. Good Luck.

Sherrie

B1: Submit
Date: 12/14/2000

S1

Your experience is so uplifting.I love being without my abuser around.My life has totally changed and I love it.I have myself back.Its like a re-birthing of your lost self.Its a whole new world to live in.Its fantastic!!!

B1: Submit
Date: 12/18/2000

S1

For all those who are staying in their relationship for the children...Don't. I just spent an hour with my dad. It is the first time since my divorce. We never could get along but he wanted to see the kids. He was only there an hour and managed to argue with me on where the stairs were in my house, tell me some memories of my grandfather were all lies, surprised that my grandfather would give me one of his most cherished possessions, and called me a liar in front of my kids. It was then that I realized I married someone just like my father. Having him in the house was like my ex being around. I was on the defensive from before he walked in. He critisized my newly painted porch steps and my dog. I suspected that my ex was a lot like my dad when I was married, now it's scary how alike they are. Your children base their relationships on what they see. No relationship does damage like a verbally abusive one. It's subtle and permanent in its damage. I'll be nervous for days and then I'll get over it, but I resent being in that position again. You can bet if dad wants to see the kids again that I won't be there. Abuse lasts longer than we know.

B1: Submit
Date: 12/21/2000

S1

Hello. I left my boyfriend about an hour ago. We have only been together for 8 months, but this sickness progressed rapidly. For the 8000th time he called me a 'Stupid Little B****' and this time I said (after I had been lying on the floor crying for an hour), "You know, there is somebody out there for me that would never say that!" And he said, "Well then, why don't you go try and find him?" And God Bless, this came out of my mouth: "Well, I think I will!" I don't know if this is the time that I will really get away. But, I surely hope so. I believe that if I don't put myself in the position to be weakened back into the "relationship", then I will be able to. I have wonderful friends that really love me, and I know they will be there for me. Thank you so much. I didn't know what to do with myself after that, and I thought, "Lemme see what's on the Internet about this one"--and thank the Lord that I found this. If anyone reads this, please pray that I find the strength to carry through with this, and I will pray that anyone else going through this will, too. Thank you again.

B1: Submit
Date: 12/30/2000

S1

I've only this week figured out why my husband and I are so miserable. It is energizing to have the diagnosis and to find others so brave and open empowering us with support. Thank you!

Anyone who can recommend a verbal abuse counselor in Napa Valley, please send to me at winevallee@aol.com. thanks!

B1: Submit
Date: 01/02/2001

S1

I LOVE YOUR STORY!!! IT IS SO INSPIRING!!! I AM IN THE PROCESS OF LEAVING MY ABUSIVE HUSAND OF 7 LONG MISERABLE YEARS. WE HAVE 2 BOYS, 3 AN 5 YRS. MY 3 YR OLD SAID TO ME THE OTHER DAY, "DADDY SAID IF I TOUCH HIS STUFF AGAIN, HE WILL BREAK MY FINGERS, HE IS MEAN ISN'T HE?" IT BROKE MY HEART, I AM SO ANGRY AT HIM AND AT MYSELF FOR LETTING IT COME TO THIS. AFTER I GET AWAY FROM HIM, I KNOW I WILL HAVE TO PUT MYSELF AND MY CHILDREN IN COUNSLELING B/C MY 6 YR OLD ALREADY HAS HIS ATTITUDE, HE CONTANTLY SCREAMS AT HIS BROTHER. YOUR RIGHT, I HAVE DECIDED IT IS UP TO ME TO GET OUT AND PUT AN END TO THE ABUSE. IF I DON'T NOONE WILL AND MY CHILDREN WILL GROW UP JUST LIKE HIM AND REPEAT THE CYCLE ANDIT WILL BE MY FAULT FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN. I AM REALLY INSPIRED BY YOUR STORY AND I KNOW GOD WILL PROVIDE FOR ME AND MY CHILDREN. EVERYTHING YOU WROTE IN HERE, IT IS ME TO A T!! IT WAS LIKE READING ABOUT MYSLEF,I COULD RELATE TO EVERYTHING YOU SAID. I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK AND MAY GOD BLESS YOU. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY!!! WILLIAMSTeeka@aol.com

Shurrll

B1: Submit
Date: 01/02/2001

S1

God Bless! Thank you for the inspiration!

B1: Submit
Date: 01/15/2001

S1

Dear RMM,

After reading your story, I have to admit that I really do admire your strength and every single thoughts of yours especially when you were so young. I have been in an abusive relationship and I have made the same mistake that you had, I have been silent and LET HIM abused me. Obviously I have left the person, but it took me 2 years to recover my confidence and realised that I have a life :o) .. I would like to congratulate you for being such a wonderful person, you have so much love and positive thoughts in your mind. People like you would bring so much good things to this society. You have made me believe that it does not matter what have happened to a person, however they react to their past is totally depends on an individual. For those aggresive people, they can choose to be angry and become self-destructive, and all they can do is to make the people they love suffer, that's the case of a friend of mine and I am really disagree with her behavior. She have shown to me that she became just another abuser, and her excuse for her behavior was because no one have loved her so she didn't know how to love. To me, she is just another abuser. Thanks God that you and me don't turn out to be like her.

All the best.

PL.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/16/2001

S1

Reading this prevented me from pciking up the phone and calling him today after work. I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I do no that today I will not call him.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/30/2001

S1

Hi PL,

IT is TRUE your friend was never taught how to love, this isn't an excuse it is a FACT!!

The only way to recovery is by getting treatment.

Take care THERESSA

B1: Submit
Date: 01/31/2001

S1

I'm in this same situation, only my children are grown, I have grandchildren. I see myself in your story. I will begin to read the books you recommend. I have always worked, except for the last nine months and the verbal abuse has worsened. He encouraged me to give up my job and now he tells me to get a life. The near recession is making my quest for employment a challenging one. We own our home I hate the thought of starting over again at age fifty. But by the grace of God and alot of reading I need to believe in me again. My self esteem is battered, badly, I feel at tears often and it is so sad. I guess co dependent best fits me. Married nearly 25 years and much happy, but recently a very give all, give in, Thanks for your letter. It was a truly excellent read for me.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/01/2001

S1

RMM, Well this story has made me cry, A LOT! I realte very well to your story except one big difference. I am still here, hoping someday he will change.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/14/2001

S1

Happy Valentine's Day to me! I found your website and your recovery map today and both have helped me to understand my own failings and co-dependence. My divorce is final today, Valentine's Day. After over 17 years in an verbally abusive/alcoholic relationship, I have been diagnosed with "serious depression" and was to go into the hospital this past Monday. Instead I decided to pull myself together and get on with my life. I've prayed, cried and wondered many, many times if I had done the right thing and considered going back to him more than once, but God has been with me. I went ahead with the divorce and even though I had to file bankruptcy to get over his alcohol and tobacco purchases, I WILL HEAL! After reading your account and other items on Dr. Irene's website I KNOW I can do it too. I am weeks away from finishing my novel and even though I'll be 54 in March, I know my life is a clean page. I can make it anything I want it to be. Thanks so much for the opportunity to comment on your account, but most of all, thanks for having the courage to share it with those of us who follow in your footsteps to a successful end of abuse.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/22/2001

S1

WOW!! This story of you, is me. My husband of 11 years moves out tomorrow. I came here looking for a little support. I don't want to give in tomorrow when he says he wants to stay (because it is my decision that he leave). I needed to be sure, once again, that I was doing the right thing and you have assured that I see it! I can have the happiness I deserve for me and for my children because we deserve it!

B1: Submit
Date: 02/23/2001

S1

Today I left my boyfriend. He called and started blaming me for leaving him in a bind. I was actually thinking of going back because of guilt, but I read your story and it made me realize that I come first! For the past year that is all I concentrated on - HIS problems. Thank you for your story - It made me realize that I too have strength I forgot I had.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/12/2001

S1

Thanks! I just hope that I will have the strength to leave my verbally and physically abusive relationship after 9 years and 3 children together. I am just now getting up the strength to do so.

B1: Submit
Date: 04/05/2001

S1

I'm a guy who has been verbally abused by my wife for more years than I care to admit. All of my holidays have been ruined by my wife, too. There hasn't been one single Thanksgiving or Christmas when she hasn't caused a huge fight. That shows how an abuser thinks. It doesn't even occur to her that these are my holidays, too, that these are part of my life, to be enjoyed by me. But of course there can be no enjoyment for me, only fights and unpleasantness. I tried to put more emphasis on sex, to fool myself into thinking that I should stay married, that the sex justified staying. I am also intelligent, but early on I was hit with all sorts of resentment over this, to the point that I no longer even try to say anything humorous, or insightful. I just shut my mouth. My wife even resents my making a decent living. This web site is finally opening my eyes. I hope I work up the courage to buy my freedom, and soon. I am gaining an understanding of what my reality is. I need this, so that I can finally justify the agony of a divorce. I was hoping some other gal would come along and rescue me, but now I realize that I must rescue myself. Good luck to all of you.

Harry

B1: Submit
Date: 04/12/2001

S1

I find this wonderfully inspiring and can identify with the way that we can become codependent without being aware of what is really happening. It has given me insight of how to get out of my situation. Thanks

B1: Submit
Date: 04/15/2001

S1

Thank you for sharing this story. My story is similar except for the fact that I am not married. Something in me snapped and I actually started to demand to be treated with respect and consideration. As you can imagine, this resulted in him leaving me. I found out two weeks after he left that I am pregnant. I struggled with what I had done to cause him to leave because now there is another little unborn person to consider. I told him about the pregnancy and he promptly informed me that his plate was full. He has his work and school and another child from his first marriage. He again abandoned me emotionally. He likes to starve his victims to death emotionally. I read your story this morning and I realized that I too am a co-dependent and your story made me reflect on what I do have not what I don't. I am 36, no spring chicken. I was divorced 4 years ago from a horribly abusive man. I picked up with nothing and I have managed to advance my career, buy my own house and car and take care of myself. Why did I forget this and let another abuser in my life? Because like all co-dependents I have been conditioned to believe that I deserve to be treated badly. Well I don't and thanks to you I see clearly now that the only person who can help me is me. I am going to rejoice in my freedom and concentrate on having a healthy baby. I will not let my child grow up seeing me treated like a second class citizen. I must admit that I am luckier than most. The hurt is gone and not an aspect that I have to deal with in the healing process. I do get lonely and sure I get scared, but these are what abusive men pick up on and take advantage of. I will hold my head up high and move proudly on. I will be dependent on me and only me. Thank you for being honest where most of us live in denial. Bless you.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/11/2001

S1

Thank you RMM

I have just thrown out my abbusive partner 4 weeks ago. I am at the stage where I need to feel anger, which for some reason I dont? Your comment's are helping me to see it, and to know that I am not alone, and that I will get through this to get to a brighter future and reclaim my life.

I really needed to read it today.

I thank you

B1: Submit
Date: 05/14/2001

S1

I hope you can help me to help my sister. She has just recently gone through a divorce (not final for another 2-mos)after being married for 20 years to a verbally abusive husband. She has two children 16 and 14 and has dedicated her life to them. Her ex-husband is a control freak and for the first half of her marriage she was blind to it. About 10 years ago she realized that he was a pathological liar and could never believe anything that came out of his mouth. He has cut her down over the years and has made her give up relationships with friends and relatives. He has even gone as far as to make crank obscene phone calls to her co-workers and family members. Even though they are divorced now the abuse continues. He enters her house anytime without knocking, just walks in. She can not even be at ease in her own home. And even now she is still afraid to stand up to him. She will not even change the locks on the house because she is afraid of what he will say or do. I could go on and on with so much more. I am so frustrated because I want to make everything okay for my sister. I keep trying to help her to stand up for herself but it is hard for I live out of state. We have even offered to her and her children to live with us in another state, but again she is afraid he would never allow it. Today, I asked her why she bothered to go through all of the legal procedures, when she is continuing to be a victim to his abuse, and she just agreed with me. So even after this divorce her life remains the same. I am going to give her a copy of this letter so she can see that there is hope, but I truly do not believe it will help her. I just wish I could do something to make everything right for her. I would welcome any suggestions. Sincerely, frustrated-caring sister

B1: Submit
Date: 05/19/2001

S1

After reading I realize that there are several things that hit me. Their need for control, the words they say that hit your soul with such intense pain, that you deny the true impact. The need to rip your self esteem from you because they have none. The disrespect they inflect on you. The lies they tell you. And the ongoing disapointment that surrounds the relationship. This has helped me today to see that my choice to end the relationship I was in was the right choice. Even though I still love and miss him. Like you what I miss is sex & being held. But there was no emotional support. And inside my body knew, but my brain had not caugt up. Now almost two months later my brain is starting to catch up. It is a tough road. I have very little support. And I still have to work with him. I find myself regretting my choice to end the relationship. But as I look back. God has provided for me and the kids during this time, and has began to slowly turn our lives around for the better. What is sad, is that you see the wonderful man that they could be. Yet they only show the ugly man they have become.

B1: Submit
Date: 06/01/2001

S1

Thank you :)

B1: Submit
Date: 06/05/2001

S1

Dear RMM,

I am at that turning point in my life now and want to thank you for your story. I needed to read another person's story like mine and hear what you did to take care of yourself. I wrote many of your comments down and plan to carry them with me to read for support when I need it. So many of your comments hit home with me, like......codependent--willing to give way too much and receive way too little or nothing at all, even if it killed me inside--what is is with special days, that abusive men always have to ruin them?(amen to that)--what would I specifically miss (if he left)....my answer showed me I had nothing to hold on to--and, this one really hit the nail on the head...How can the man I choose to be my life long companion, be in fact my worst enemy? (and I worry about HIM thinking I'M his enemy? Oh, please. If it weren't me and another female, he'd treat her the same way.)--also...I wanted a loving, trusting mutual friendship. He wanted control. (I've struggled with this fact for 13 years now. This has been the truth of our life together.) My feelings are what you experienced also....dazed and in a fog, lost, unappreciated, misunderstood, depressed, alone. Seems like many of our supposed "conversations" end with his "that's not the point", or "the point is", regardless of what input or ideas I may have or what I may say; with those statements he always lets me know that in his mind at least, I have missed the point and he has the final say. And, like you, I didn't repect myself enough to ask for or demand respect. I tried a few times and then gave up because it wasn't worth the battle; I was either shouted over, or told I was nuts, crazy, I needed help, etc., etc., etc. And also, as you, I have slowly come to the realization that my husband NEVER wanted for me what I wanted for myself and it seems over the years at times I have lost sight of what I may want for myself or what my likes are, or what my needs are. I wasted too much of my time, worrying about his needs, his wants, his moods, his icy glares, his sarcastic comments. When I think about it now, think of all the time I could have used to do something worthwhile instead of worrying about him and his moods and what he was going to do or not do to me. If only I had known that he would always treat me the same way -- hatefully, for 13 years. What a grand waste of my time when you think of it. My daughter said a few weeks ago that he was always like this and hasn't changed yet and she is right on with that.

I feel like I've awakened from a long sleep and woke up in a nightmare, but at least I'm awake now. I don't feel so alone when I read other stories such as yours. I hope that I can stay on track and am planning where to go from here. I too have been reading books on the subject (which I've collected over the years). The Verbally Abusive Relationship has been like a Bible to me. I'm thinking my next step should be a counselor or a group counseling situation, or maybe talking to my doctor, but I haven't made a move in that direction yet. But, maybe that's OK too -- to move at my speed for once -- kind of like taking control of my therapy, of my healing this time. Handling things when and how I decide. For now, I'm telling myself to feel the feelings (like I did when my beloved dog died last year -- I told myself to go with all the feelings that came and to cry whenever I had to cry and to talk about her when I needed to and remember her whenever I felt like it) and it worked for me then. My dog was there for me always, why shouldn't I mourn for her? She gave me more of herself and her love than my husband ever did. Why keep stuffing all these horrible feelings now? That's where I'm at. Thank you again for sharing your story.

N

B1: Submit
Date: 06/14/2001

S1

I am very happy for you. You recognized the reality early on. I have been with mine for 20 years. We have 2 boys 16 & 13. Mine won't let go - a year ago I gave him separation papers when he moved out- he came home, won't leave doesn't want to lose anything. He did not do well with counseling in the past but now he wants co-counseling. I think it is to late. He threatens to divorce me and I call his bluff -I gave the papers again. Now I think he trying to get his ducks in a row to prove that I am unfit, crazy - he threatens to have me committed. He has taken control of the money and is threatening to sell the car I drive - It is titled in his name. He begged me to quit my job to help in our joint business and I did. It seems as though he planned it. He fired me (even though I am not an employee). He defended an employee's demand for a raise; I refused;she walked;he quit. The story is a long one. I am thankful now that we are going to counseling so his behavior will be documented. You know-nice to the rest of the world but I'm the doormat. I think have been trying to show him the truth in himself but of course he refuses to accept it. He's finished with me because I no longer meet his need - Narcistic Supply. So he says " Everybody thinks I'm a nice guy no one will believe you". The knowledge I have concering verbal abuse over the years says that abusers cannot change. In my faithfulness to God I have prayed for a miracle. I guess I really don't want to give up. God only knows. I know I am still allowing my husband to be in control. Please write back if have anything helpful for me .

B1: Submit
Date: 06/15/2001

S1

Dear lady~ (ur story)

Hi my name is Christine 21yrs.n iam responding to ur story. I want to tell you how i truly enjoyed reading ur experince with a abusive man, but through it all in the end, you just did not quit-you came out on top! I myself just came out of a 4yr abusive rel. n well reading ur story i discovered we had much similarites through our experinces. i wish you the best in life-love-n :)ness now n always~ if you have any advice u can give me-u can e-mail me at-chrishappyface@aol.com Thanks -CHRISTINE......;)

B1: Submit
Date: 07/04/2001

S1

Dear RMM, I appreciated you story. I told my emotional abuser to leave last night. He took a suit case and in shock left. All of his things are still here. We were to be married july 21'st. i awoke very earl after a long night of crying hoping to find a place on the net to help mt inner self stay strong. Here it is. I think i will read this everyday for a while. thank you. Connie

B1: Submit
Date: 08/01/2001

S1

Dear RMM I read your story and came to the bit about how "It hit me how little he helped me; how little he did around the house" This realisation happend to me a few months after I threw my husband out. I was still doing it all! I think this may have been reality hitting me smack between the eyes. I realise how mad I was to have put up with this. I know now that there is no turning back for me. I wouldn't go through that again for a million years. It's good to know someone else experienced this. Now I know I must be on the right track. Thanks

B1: Submit
Date: 08/18/2001

S1

I too spent years with an abusive man, 15 as a matter of fact, and I too went through the feelings you describe, your feelings could be my feelings word for word if I shared my story, and that's what makes what you have to say have a very large impact on others, because we are not unique in the feelings and things we must face and go through to come out the oter side of abuse. Life after abuse can be a rewarding, loving life. But we must first forgive ourselves for our part in the abuse, and when the time is right, to forgive our abuser. For holding anger, pain, and resentment toward our abuser only hurts us and the life we profess to want, it still gives them power over what we do, how we feel, and how we relate to others in our life. We must learn that we are worthy of respect, loyalty, kindness, postive regard, and LOVE. To get to this point it is necessary to move forward and leave the past where it belongs, we can't change the past-we can't forsee the future-we can, however, choose how we want to live the present, for that's all any of us have on a given day, are the next 24 hours, and we do have power over how we CHOOSE to live our lives, each day at a time, each minute at a time, each second at a time. And I agree wholeheartedly that life after abuse isn't easy by any stretch of the imagination, but living a life according to your values, beliefs, and morals holds no price, it is PRICELESS and NECESSARY, no matter what to honor yourself!! Love and Godspeed, outspoken2000@myself.com Candis e-mail me any time, you are an inspiration to us all, you should consider writing a book, your writing flows wonderfully and you have a story to tell!!

B1: Submit
Date: 08/26/2001

S1

Dear Dr Irene, you have ruined my marrage. Your web site influenced my wife to no end. She is a sick person. She thinks I am resposible for all her problems. And you are resposible for her leaving with my child. Thank you very much. Steven S Knight

B1: Submit
Date: 08/29/2001

S1

I read this and I see my current relationship. I am with a man who has made elusions to the fact that my friends are no good. He doesn't work because he says that he fears that I will go out with my firends at night so instead I work and support both of us. He has asked me to lie about my past to his familty because I had too many boyfriends and too many nights out. He says that he tries to forget about my past because he can't deal with it. He blows up over tiny things and then he gets mad at me for responding and he says that I am too sensitive. Then, heis all of a sudden sweet as if nothing happened. He always blames his blowups on his current state-depressed because he's unemployed and without a car. He expects me to know when he needs money, food and whatever else without him saying so and he expects me to fork it over iwth no question when he does decide to tell me. He says I smile too much and I am too nice to people and guys will take it the wrong way. For example, we had the furniture delivery guys in my place settnig up my new tables. They were using older tools and my boyfriend asked if it would be easier to use an electric version of the tools. They said that they had left it in the ttruck amd I offered to run out to the truck amd get it. He flipped out on me, telling me that those guys probably think that I want to sleep with them. There are so many other things...I can't believe what I am reading...I didn't even realize until my friends told me that they thought that this was a verbally abusive relationaship. I have been very blind.

B1: Submit
Date: 08/29/2001

S1

I read this and I see my current relationship. I am with a man who has made elusions to the fact that my friends are no good. He doesn't work because he says that he fears that I will go out with my firends at night so instead I work and support both of us. He has asked me to lie about my past to his familty because I had too many boyfriends and too many nights out. He says that he tries to forget about my past because he can't deal with it. He blows up over tiny things and then he gets mad at me for responding and he says that I am too sensitive. Then, heis all of a sudden sweet as if nothing happened. He always blames his blowups on his current state-depressed because he's unemployed and without a car. He expects me to know when he needs money, food and whatever else without him saying so and he expects me to fork it over iwth no question when he does decide to tell me. He says I smile too much and I am too nice to people and guys will take it the wrong way. For example, we had the furniture delivery guys in my place settnig up my new tables. They were using older tools and my boyfriend asked if it would be easier to use an electric version of the tools. They said that they had left it in the ttruck amd I offered to run out to the truck amd get it. He flipped out on me, telling me that those guys probably think that I want to sleep with them. There are so many other things...I can't believe what I am reading...I didn't even realize until my friends told me that they thought that this was a verbally abusive relationaship. I have been very blind.

B1: Submit
Date: 08/29/2001

S1

I read this and I see my current relationship. I am with a man who has made elusions to the fact that my friends are no good. He doesn't work because he says that he fears that I will go out with my firends at night so instead I work and support both of us. He has asked me to lie about my past to his familty because I had too many boyfriends and too many nights out. He says that he tries to forget about my past because he can't deal with it. He blows up over tiny things and then he gets mad at me for responding and he says that I am too sensitive. Then, heis all of a sudden sweet as if nothing happened. He always blames his blowups on his current state-depressed because he's unemployed and without a car. He expects me to know when he needs money, food and whatever else without him saying so and he expects me to fork it over iwth no question when he does decide to tell me. He says I smile too much and I am too nice to people and guys will take it the wrong way. For example, we had the furniture delivery guys in my place settnig up my new tables. They were using older tools and my boyfriend asked if it would be easier to use an electric version of the tools. They said that they had left it in the ttruck amd I offered to run out to the truck amd get it. He flipped out on me, telling me that those guys probably think that I want to sleep with them. There are so many other things...I can't believe what I am reading...I didn't even realize until my friends told me that they thought that this was a verbally abusive relationaship. I have been very blind.

B1: Submit
Date: 09/06/2001

S1

You are lucky to have had the suport of your family. I'm going through something simular now. I do not have family support. Due to economic reasons, I'm unable to leave right now. Like you, I returned to school. It was wonderful in the beginning. I had a place that I could be myself , and lots of new friends. That all ended when my husband declared that he ras returning to school too. Every one is so impressed with him that they think I made up the comments he use to say. I have also lost my place of refuge. I am know now as his wife. When I complain over my feeligs, he accusses me of being selfish for not wanting him to invade his tuff.

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Date: 09/17/2001

S1

I cried when I read your story. I wish I could get enough strength together to figure out how to leave. I have been in this abusive relationship for 16 years and I feel lower now than ever before. I have no family support and my church will not support me on this either. I feel totally alone and I am out of energy to fight or care anymore. How do you get away when it seems impossible. I am completely terrified of my husband and sometimes just the things he says makes me believe he is crazy and has little regard for the law and there is no one that can help me. Everyone looks at him and says "what a nice guy". My own mother accuses me of making things up and actually asked me if I was having an affair and if thats why I wanted out of my marriage. My husband is a professional man and works in an office all day and everyone thinks he is such a nice guy. He has convinced me for the past 13 years that the best thing for me to do is just stay home and take care of the house because I wouldn't be able to hold down a job. I have no friends and he has frequently told me that he is my only "true friend" and anyone else I try to have a friendship with he tells me they are loosers or they are just using me. He hates my brothers and calls them blue collar hicks and so I am lucky if I speak to them once per year. Please, someone tell me what to do. My mother just tells me all the time that my father was verbally abusive and me and my brothers turned out ok so my kids will be fine too. This site has helped me so very much. I realize now I am not alone.

B1: Submit
Date: 09/30/2001

S1

I'm married to the clone of your husband. But my husband won't leave (although he's had affairs too). I'm trying to find hope in your story. Unfortunately, I'm "stuck" in this house until my daughter graduates - another year and a half. I need to start healing, but it's so hard when he's still here, although we haven't been on speaking terms for two years. Sometimes I just don't think it's worth it

B1: Submit
Date: 10/16/2001

S1

Thank you for your thoughts on "closure". That is where I am stuggling right now. After four years of ups and downs, him leaving and coming back, his yelling and criticizing, I finally asked him to get help or get out. He cried but chose to leave, running away was always his way of dealing with problems, but this was the first time I had asked him to leave... it was MY choice. It wasn't even two weeks from the day that he moved out that he ran back to his ex... he couldn't face being alone, and not having a house and family... It has been over two months and we did not see each other or speak at all. Then last week he called, and in the course of the conversation we both noted that we were having trouble reaching closure (This running back to his ex was the fourth time in as many years, what do they say about expecting different results from the same behaviours?) I have been doing a lot of thinking in the past week, and returned to this site for the first time since he left. For support? For answers? For strength to resist? I don't know. But I am trying to figure out when the constant nagging thoughts in the back of my head will go away... when I will actually not care anymore.. when I will reach closure and really feel like it is over.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/16/2001

S1

My life has paralleled yours in so many ways. I have been apart from my ex-husband for two years and have just really learned the extent of the verbal abuse. I am starting a support group in two weeks. I have come a long way. I will never allow anyone to make me feel that I am less than I am. Thank you for your story. I have envisioned myself as a butterfly coming out of my cocoon many times. That part of your story was especially moving to me. Thank You for reminding me that I am not alone. KB

B1: Submit
Date: 11/23/2001

S1

Hi, I just want to say a massive "well done" I believe that recovering from an abusive relationship is really no different to recovery from any other addiction, you just have to find yourself. I have been (and still am) going through a horendous abusive marriage, i am "waking up" this site is wonderful and has taught me so much. I am planning to leave my partner, but first i am at least trying to learn about abuse, i am literally reading every book that i can about my codependency etc. I am a great person, i love myself and i am going to give myself a wonderful life filled with happiness and everything i deserve. This is what i am learning. Over the last couple of months, i have contemplated suicide on several occasions, but i think that is what woke me up - I will be HAPPY and never go through this again ever in my life. God bless you all - and remember - you are not alone.

B1: Submit
Date: 11/30/2001

S1

Dear RMM, I set at my computer amazed at the similarities between my situation and the stories I read. Reading yours makes me desire the final stage of healing. I believe I'm stuck, for now. I want so much to proclaim the victory as you have done. I wrestle with staying or leaving. I don't know the correct choice. I wonder if I can gain the victory if I stay. But I will work it out, I'm sure. I believe the worst of it is behind me. I have blindly followed a path to recovery. I did not know that I was doing it until I began to read books and see a counselor. I then had names and descriptions and validation for all I had figured out on my own. I wish you the best and am thankful for your willingness to share your experience. See you at the end of the tunnel. Sarah

B1: Submit
Date: 12/31/2001

S1

Your generous sharing of your recovery story is truely inspiring. The healing you have allowed to happen comes through so very loud and clear that it cannot but help all of us who are finding our own path through the codependancy jungle see the possibilities for ourselves. Sometimes, the pain of my self-discovery, and taking responsibility for my part in letting my husband verbally and emotionally hurt and abuse me, can just overwhelm me - especially during those "special" occassions that we women seem to attach so much meaning to. I've experienced all that you have chronicled, and more, and I take from your story enormous encouragement and motivation to recognize that your model for reclaiming your life, and your soul, not only takes time, patience, forgiveness, tolerance, and trust in yourself, but also trusting that God wants a life for you filled with integrity, joy, maturity, and love. Thank you for "being" the person you've become, and for caring about those of us struggling to achieve our own "being." Today is my 16th wedding anniversary and the last day of 2001 - and 2 months since I filed for divorce - your story is the gift that I'll remember, and treasure, in all the days ahead. Love, DET

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Date: 01/27/2002

S1

Dear RMM, Thank you for sharing. As I read your story the similarities of abuse help the spinning in my stomach. I wrote my husband a letter two weeks ago...laid it on the line. So that there would be no misunderstanding. I did this also two years ago.Back in the same boat again...Im drowning cant breathe confused and dazed, and hes the king. So long story short I asked for the abuse control manipulation coersion disrespect, alcoholism...addiction to the computer and throwing all our money in the stock market...no money left. including mortgaging house for 50,000. He decided to leave all on his own...sitting at his mothers on the computer...wishing for a pipe dream and he hasnt changed one bit...although his coersion is in his attempt at being a nice guy to set the trap. When I was up he attempted to stop it when I was down he made me feel guilty for being depressed and literally he love it how sad. This is a man who has such potential....It seems so evil...why would anyone torture people and choose to live in denial rather than attempt to be happy....I know its the sense of powerlessness but Lord dont they ever get that its not working???? Anyway Congratulations for turning your life around and for showing the other side of the going through ...because I am going through....Praying for a miracle but not wanting him back as he is ...I cant abuse myself like that anymore.Or allow it for my son. You should be very very proud of yourself") TLD

B1: Submit
Date: 03/01/2002

S1

I need help. I've already accepted the fact that I'm co-dependent and honestly thought I was on the road to full recovery until here lately. That old depressed, wish I could stay in bed forever feeling I thought was gone for good has found me again. Do you ever truly heal? My ex husband was your typical verbal abuser, not much physical abuse unless I was trying to leave. Married at 16, I finally divorced at 27. Now at 32, I've been in a new relationship with it's own problems for three years. Although the problems are of a totally different nature, I'm still afraid I am reverting back to the me I thought I'd left behind. I need to know. Please help. The problem is a sexual problem or at least it began that way. Now it seems like an everything problem. There is no man on this earth who could love me more and I honestly believe this. He would never physically hurt me or say anything to hurt me. He's calm and has never even raised his voice to me at all, even though I have done this to him a couple of times when I've been really frustrated. Here's the problem: In three years we've had sex maybe 25 times. We don't sleep together, we're in the process of adding on to our house and my kids from my previous marriage are in the bedrooms. He has no children of his own, but has raised my youngest who calls him daddy. Anyway, right now we sleep on the couches in the living room. From everything I've gathered over the last three years, I believe the problem is medical or maybe even psychological. I don't think he can always perform and it seems like we only do when he suddenly gets the urge. I know in my heart he can't help it. I don't want to complicate the problem. He should know by now that I'm here to stay and our relationship is not based at all on sex. We are friends and companions. He WILL NOT discuss it and anytime I tell him how I feel, he listens but says nothing. All I've been asking for is if he's giving all he can sexually, OK, I can live with that, but he cuts me off from the emotional things I need from him because I believe he's afraid it will lead to a sexual situation. I can't make him understand that I'm lonely for the affection most humans want. I know he is too, but he had two failed marriages before me, which leads me to believe this has been a problem for many years. He's a gorgeous man with the most tender heart, but he won't budge on this subject. How do I get him to realize that I can live the rest of my life without sex if I have to, but I need some affection. It's so hard to want to hold him but be afraid to because he won't touch or hug back. What do I do? I feel like he's controlling me in a way because he's made me afraid to have any emotional contact with him when we are alone. But in the presence of the kids or anyone else, it's ok because it couldn't possibly lead to more with someone around. We do hug and kiss hello and goodbye. We do alot of things together and we truly enjoy each others company. Am I falling into the trap again or is this different. Sometimes I feel like I'm a failure because I can't do anything to change this situation that is making me so unhappy.

TC

B1: Submit
Date: 03/15/2002

S1

I feel like she was telling my story. I cried while reading it because I am realizing that its not my fault and that I am not crazy (which is what he wants me to believe.) I love this website.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/16/2002

S1

I have been married for 26 yrs-the last 4 my spouse was diagnosed bipolar-he attempted suicide on our wedding anniversary and since that day I have been free to make my own choices and to nurture and protect our child(who I had been afraid to leave alone with his dad) Your story is similar to mine and I am pleased to hear that you now feel strength and peace -I am headed that way and want it a lot-thankyou

B1: Submit
Date: 03/18/2002

S1

Iam reading this tonight after a few days session of verbal abuse and much fear on my part. I thank you so much for letting me sleep tonight, easier, at least because I see that you made it through the same hell, and perhaps I can too.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/18/2002

S1

Iam reading this tonight after a few days session of verbal abuse and much fear on my part. I thank you so much for letting me sleep tonight, easier, at least because I see that you made it through the same hell, and perhaps I can too.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/19/2002

S1

I am at the point of leaving a 'textbook' case abusive relationship. Thank you for sharing your feelings. They mirror everything I'm realizing the farther I get away from him. God bless you!

N.M.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/22/2002

S1

I feel like I just read my own story. I read the same web sites and all the same books. The simularities are amazing. The only difference is I attempted to set more boundaries and he just got more mean and physically abusive as well. I am free. I am free. I am free.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/28/2002

S1

This is for TC

You need affection, he does not. You want him to change something that you admit may have been a problem he has had for years. However because he has not been able to change his view on the subject no matter how much YOU understand, cry, scream, talk, play nice, you feel like a failure.

You are not a failure, but you are failing to understand (here is where the co-dependency comes into play) that you are NOT responsible for his actions, you can only be responsible for your own. He has made it clear what his position is on the matter you are trying to CHANGE his position. However, it is not in your hands, it is HIS choice if he would like to seek help or change.

It is your choice it you want to continue living in a situation which as you stated makes you unhappy. Are you willing to continue to live the rest of your life without affection? Obviously the answer is no. It is something that you need and desire, it is important to you. However this need, your need is something that he clearly can not meet and whether he will ever be able to is something only you can determine.

Again there are no easy CHOICES, basically you either: • Accept you can’t change him and stay in the relationship, thus sacrificing your needs. • Continue in your present situation, in which you continue to try to convince him that affection is important, which will only cause you more unhappiness or increase your fear of rejection. • Require he seek counseling/medical attention because if not you will terminate the relationship because you need to have your needs met.

B1: Submit
Date: 04/02/2002

S1

What a brave woman you are. I am in a verbally abusive relationship, and am closing to calling it quits because I'm so fed up. No kids involved, just two dogs, and that's hard enough! Plus, we live in a really nice area with a lot of wildlife and birds and I would hate to leave it. But I can't enjoy it fully when I'm miserable. Back in 1998, he told me he "needed some space" and wanted me to leave. Never explained why, just that that's the way it was. I went back to Minnesota and stupidly came back to him in Washington state after six months. Still have never receive a full explanation from him what happened. Am I crazy or what? Ironically, when I was back in Minnesota I went through the most growth I ever had. What was so painful for me turned out to be life's biggest learning experience. Reading stories like yours on this website gives me the hope that it can definitely be done. I've been through this twice now (this is my second marriage) and I always seem to attract these verbally abusive people. I can envision myself ever meeting anyone else... the first thing I will say is, "If you have a temper or are prone to fits of anger, I'm NOT interested." Thank you for sharing your story!!

B1: Submit
Date: 04/23/2002

S1

thanks for sharing your story. you have helped me greatly better understand the cycle of abuse i've lived for ten years. all i wanted was to love and be love. sounds so simple doesn't it. i,m finding myself. i'm beginning to forgive and let goand let GOD. I still regret that it happened this way. but, many lessons are to be learned. i do wish and pray for a miracle for him to grow and be accountable. i can't worry about it i have too much to concern myself with for me. thanks and GOD bless. gloria

B1: Submit
Date: 04/25/2002

S1

I am grateful to you for sharing your experience. I am now in the revenge phase. I also realize that it is not right to hope anything bad on a person. I am learning to Let GO and Let GOD, and trying to make myself a better person. I thank you again for sharing your experience and giving validation to what I have gone through.

B1: Submit
Date: 04/27/2002

S1

i hope my comment will be confidential i am on shaky ground myself but i must respond to this womans story IT WAS AN EYE OPENER AND GAVE ME HOPE.

B1: Submit
Date: 04/27/2002

S1

i hope my comment will be confidential i am on shaky ground myself but i must respond to this womans story IT WAS AN EYE OPENER AND GAVE ME HOPE.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/07/2002

S1

Thank you for sharing your story. I married an abuser and remained in the relationship for 17 long years before making the decision to leave and divorce. My now ex absolved himself of all responsibility for the marriage failing and embarked on a course of vengeance and retibution, to make me pay for having the temerity to divorce him and break up a "happy" family. My family were not supportiveof my decision, until I told them of his overwhelming involvement in various forms of pornography - they realised after that, that for me there was no reconciliation and no going back. Needless to say, I have never regretted the decision to divorce and embark on the journey of recovery. It has been worth it. Your story is inspirational.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/13/2002

S1

oh my gosh, this is my life . i wonder why if feel so dead, tired, hopeless. thank you so much , for your story. You have given me not hope, because deep inside i know this isn't right. you have given me motivation, and encouragement. i can't believe how you have described my life, and from a person who i don't know, but i know you have a grip on reality, which i cannot trust myself with discernment of that. does that make sense? thank you, (thank you Lord)

B1: Submit
Date: 05/15/2002

S1

It is amazing to me after reading this story and so many like it- how they are all the same. The pain, the hurt, the abuse. I have been in my marriage for five years. Five years too long. I have filed for divorce and in a few weeks- my Son and I are moving in with my parents. After basiclly becoming what I call "numb", I have come alive again. I will no longer allow anyone to treat me this way. I let him do it. I thought by loving him enough- I could change him. I felt guily about leaving. One day after my husband cursed and yelled at me over nothing, my two year old son turned to me and said "Daddy's mean and bad". I knew then I had to go. Even a two year old could see how bad it was. I know the road ahead will be hard, but it will be worth it- just to have peace and for my son to have peace. Thank you for having such a wonderful site and stories. God bless.

B1: Submit
Date: 05/15/2002

S1

It is amazing to me after reading this story and so many like it- how they are all the same. The pain, the hurt, the abuse. I have been in my marriage for five years. Five years too long. I have filed for divorce and in a few weeks- my Son and I are moving in with my parents. After basiclly becoming what I call "numb", I have come alive again. I will no longer allow anyone to treat me this way. I let him do it. I thought by loving him enough- I could change him. I felt guily about leaving. One day after my husband cursed and yelled at me over nothing, my two year old son turned to me and said "Daddy's mean and bad". I knew then I had to go. Even a two year old could see how bad it was. I know the road ahead will be hard, but it will be worth it- just to have peace and for my son to have peace. Thank you for having such a wonderful site and stories. God bless. -Colleen

B1: Submit
Date: 05/15/2002

S1

It is amazing to me after reading this story and so many like it- how they are all the same. The pain, the hurt, the abuse. I have been in my marriage for five years. Five years too long. I have filed for divorce and in a few weeks- my Son and I are moving in with my parents. After basiclly becoming what I call "numb", I have come alive again. I will no longer allow anyone to treat me this way. I let him do it. I thought by loving him enough- I could change him. I felt guily about leaving. One day after my husband cursed and yelled at me over nothing, my two year old son turned to me and said "Daddy's mean and bad". I knew then I had to go. Even a two year old could see how bad it was. I know the road ahead will be hard, but it will be worth it- just to have peace and for my son to have peace. Thank you for having such a wonderful site and stories. God bless. -Colleen

B1: Submit
Date: 05/17/2002

S1

I have gone through this entire path and am finally free and happy to be alone. But, I find that I have set up protection mechanisms that seem to be extreme. I trust my feelings about my boundaries and do not compromise. But several people have told me that I go to the extreme in protecting myself and standing my ground. Does anyone have any input on BALANCE?

B1: Submit
Date: 05/28/2002

S1

dear dr irene i have just read though this story with my heart pounding and feeling weak and shakey its like reading my life story, unfortunately it has taken me many years to realise what is happening to me. I hope that know i too am on the road to recovery. thankyou for this site it has saved my life. jan

B1: Submit
Date: 06/05/2002

S1

I just have to say i am so glad i came across this letter..i am going through the decision of leaving my husband of four years right now...i came home for lunch one day to find my husband leaving me a letter that he was leaving me to which i found out he never had any intentions on leaving...it was merely done to control me once again...the letter was so hard for me to read and i couldn't believe he did this to me but now i am so thankful he did...i think by him doing this finally made me wake up and realize what i have been living in for so long...by reading this letter it really confirmed to me that i am doing the right thing and that no one deserves to live like this...

B1: Submit
Date: 06/08/2002

S1

Wow ! I'm still stuck in the "Hope that he'll change phase". He's in counselling for abusive men but still blames alot on me.I am willing to wait & see what happens with the counselling & praying that I have the clear sight to see if it doesn't help & then the strength to leave.

B1: Submit
Date: 06/12/2002

S1

I am simply amazed with your strength and courage. I had the same feelings you had for your husband. During our 12 years together, we had our ups and downs but somehow I avoided confrontation or arguments by keeping silence and crying and sulking within me. He has been a good and caring husband but he is very egoistic. Until recently, he erupted by saying that he is lonely and he doesn't love my anymore and he wanted space and freedom. I was confused but I was ready to take the blame and beg for forgiveness and redeem my shortcomings. This went on for 2 months and he broke down, suffered from depression and he also blames it on his work pressure. I went through all ways and means to make him happy but I soon found out he was close with his married colleague but he denied any serious relationship between them. He claimed she had been helpful, understanding and cared for him even before the eruption. The lady told him that he need not divorce me but if he's lonely, he can always call her and she will take care of him. Since then, my husband has removed our wedding ring from his finger and giving me the cold treatment. Though he still spends time at home but I do know the lady calls him often. I guessed the only thing that is keeping him is our son who is 6 plus. But, recently he had made effort to talk to me. I am so lost and confused. What I know is I am still love him very much and willing to start all over again. All I could do now is to be patient, look happy and do whatever I could to make him come back. Right now, I am also suffering from imsonia and depression, in silence. I sincerely need help too but I cannot apply your experience and decision. What can I do? Please help. - Lonely, Malaysia 13/6/2002

B1: Submit
Date: 06/22/2002

S1

Yes, this is impressive. I have also emerged from a co-dependent relationship after having spent four years working as a social-worker and having been abused by my boss. The reason why I allowed myself to be abused, or rather that I tolerated the abuse, was (1) job-security, I was intimidated and threatened on a regular basis, and (2) I had learnt as a child to focus on the needs of a person, rather than on living a kid-like experience. I was well rehearsed in putting the needs of others beyond my own.

I had great difficulty coming to terms with this abuse after I had left this social-work post. I even went to the extreme of going to an acupuncturist to put needles in my head to cure me of what I called my depression. The needles were to be my Prince on the White Horse. Unfortunately, he hit a nerve ending in his treatment, and conventional medical staff have informed me that I have anywhere from 6 months to 3 years with a pain in my head until the nerve rejuvenates itself. The most important realization is that whatever happens all depends on me. I have to do the letting go, the forgiving, and the work on myself never to enter a job like that, or a relationship like that again. Perhaps, it is not so much an issue of running away however, as it is an issue of preventing it, in my case. It is an issue of my laying my cards palinly on the table, saying what I expect, and being assertive straight go off.

B1: Submit
Date: 06/25/2002

S1

Hello! I have just read your story of contolled marriage and roughly achieved confidence. Your story is inspiring to me.

I am inspired and validated in my choice of action. My husband treated me exactly the same way as yours. While we were married He supplied me with lots of wonderful things that I did not attain for myself previously. example: brand new stuff, (i always got second and hand-me-downs) to me this was moving up. A diamond ring. a brand new house. (you could still smell the fresh wood from it being so new). I guess the newness got me hooked.. I don't know. (another thing to look back at) I COULD NOT FIGURE OUT WHY I WAS UNHAPPY WHEN THIS MAN GAVE ME SOOOO VERRY MUCH. A greata school for the kids. so verry many material things... all material. I am embarressed to say that i judged success that way... but again it does serve as a means of some (albiet verry little), measure of success. The supply of these material things was his way of setting his trap of manipulations. He bought everything in the beginning, and here and there in the future. we had a nice looking home, and outwardly good appearance of a family. That meant alot to me. but he knew that! and so he used it as his means of controll. of course I did not realize this at the time. I thought he was showering me with love. In reality it was a woven web of controll. with all of these things he "gave" me. NOTE: HE HAS THEM NOW, SINCE I LEFT--THEY ARE "HIS"

THE EXPENCE OF MAINTAINING THE NICE STUFF WAS HOW HE CONTROLLED ME. FINANCEALLY HE SAID WE HAD NO MONEY AND I COULD NOT GO CRAZY SPENDING.

I am the thriftiest person. I would get in trouble for using up a tank of gas!!!!! THe reason I used up the gas was because I had to travel a half hour to see my beloved family and b est friend. he moved me away...which i did not mind because it truely is a better area!

NOTE: the move to a better area was another means of controlling me.. He knew what town to pick so he knew also what people to pick to....and the people he picked was never anyone i got along with.....

I could go on forever about his abuse. I am still becoming aware of his horrid behavior. I see him do it to his new girl too. (of course I giggle and let her suffer-because she jumped in the picture so fast)

I am at the revenge stage. I want to make that man suffer.,,I want to put him in the poor house. I want to see him hurt in every and any way....!

That is where I AM.........

BUT i ALSO AM TAKING CARE OF ME NOW..... I applied for grants to college (which i got) I learned to be happy where I am. which is with my parents and best friend. We all have our own houses one this street. I love this street. +he puts it down+ but if its so bad then why did he buy a house on this street? (thats how I met him). I'm going to get my nursing degree so I can make better money.

Please write me anytime... I would truely be interested in hearing your success update

Bertha

B1: Submit
Date: 07/02/2002

S1

I want to let you know that your past life is very similiar to what I have been going through. I saw all of the red flags and so did everyone else. I left and went back to this guy a million times hoping that he would change.

The whole world revolved around him. His business, his body, his family,etc. The most discouraging thing for me is that I am an educated woman. I too have a master's degree and I teach elementary school kids. You know it's funny, he always blamed me for everything. And I say to myself "He does not get along with anyone at all. He has distress with everyone he encounters. However I deal with over 100 different personalities a day and manage to get along"

I would break up with him and he would chase me. The thrill of the chase i guess. well, this last time he has stopped chasing me and I'm like "where are you at?" He calls every few weeks and wants to get back together and then I won't hear from him for a while.

I am at such a depressing point. How can I miss and kinda want someone back that treated me so terribly. Everyone says that I should be relieved. I feel like i am going to be alone for the rest of my life! I too want him to suffer miserably and come back on his hands and knees!! I fear that he will have a happy life with someone else and I will be here alone. Did your ex work out with his new woman or did his characteristics show up there also?

I want to get to the point where you are at!! Thank you for posting your story.

las@hhs.net

B1: Submit
Date: 07/10/2002

S1

There is so much truth in this story, and so much I can identify with. I've been in abusive relationships all my life, and this time it snuck up on me...it can happen over and over and over until you finally get past the denial. Thanks for such a good website that gets right down to it and is so full of useful, truthful information.

B1: Submit
Date: 07/10/2002

S1

Thank you for sharing your story!

Most of my life I have avoided intimate relationships because of my fear of experiencing the things you lived through. I want to congratulate you for having the courage to live, love and yes! hurt. You are an inspiration.

I wish you continued success and happiness!

B1: Submit
Date: 07/15/2002

S1

After leaving a 7 year emotionally, physically and extremely mentally abusive relationship (involving my precious son) I joined a women's domestic violence group, and am currently printing your story so i can copy it for all those in my group. We all thought we were the only ones. How very wrong we were. Thankyou thankyou thankyou.

Getting stronger Perth Australia

B1: Submit
Date: 07/19/2002

S1

It's been 2 1/2 years since I had papers served to my husband. If it wasn't for our beautiful 8 1/2 year old son with Down Syndrome, I would probably be dancing a jig that after 12 years, I still had a good 20-30 years to live again. But, I have a lot of hard work ahead. MANY, MANY, MANY thanks for your incredible letter. So much of it mirrored my marriage. I pray that the "good days" will outnumber the "bad days." Your letter has given me a giant boost to, once again, dig down deep and pull up the courage I know I have within. You are one of my earth angels. God bless!

B1: Submit
Date: 08/17/2002

S1

Thank you,thank you, thank you. I am trying to find the strength to disallow my abusive and manipulative husband to control my thoughts, actions, and mind-set. It's my love for him, and Christian beliefs, that I struggle with. Probably unrealistic beliefs that things will change - given time. (Co-dependency, seems so.) I want to be kind. I want to be aware of his struggles, and allow for his domineering mother. I suppose I look for excuses for his behavior. I'm very patient. I also recognize that he wants to control me - all my thoughts, behaviors, actions, money...everything is supposed to be directed toward making his Mother happy, him happy, pleasing his daughter, his son... He definately has an agenda for how I can provide for, do for, the people in his life that he holds in the highest regard. (That does not include me.) I am wined and dined only as an effort to elicit what he wants for himself, and the people with which he has 'co-mingled.' My husband left me (3, or is it 4, times now?) to move in with his mother. We've only been married for 3 years. Verbal abuse, emotional abuse - been there, done that. Physically pushed around? Yeah. Why can't I let go of "wishing" things could be different? The 'excuse' I use is that, as a Christian wife, I endure whatever my husband gives me, decides is best for "us", and chooses to 'give' me. The very cynical side of me says, "Bullshit," this guy is so totally selfish and judgemental, NO ONE can please him and live up to his expectations. I know that I need to incorporate the information found on this site. To deny who God made me to be is, a sin. Struggling to keep someone happy who doesn't care about your sacrifices is insane. There are definately people in this world who want nothing more than to use you to achieve their own gains. If you are a person who genuinely cares for other people, and is unselfish - watch out. You are fodder for the people out there who see you as nothing more than a means to an end. I think that's a pitiful and sorry commentary for our society.

B1: Submit
Date: 08/28/2002

S1

dOES IT REALLY HAPPEN? I AM SO HOPELESS ABOUT GETTING ON WITH MY LIFE..STORIES LIKE YOUR SEEM SO UNATTAINABLE..JROBBYN@AOL.COM JODI

B1: Submit
Date: 09/09/2002

S1

I relate to your story. I see a lot, but do not understand why I let my ex get under my skin. I can't differentiate between boundaries and wanting not to start a fight. I am in a confusing spot because it has been 8 years since my divorce, but I feel soo controlled by his anger, blame and shaming techniques that altho' he is remarried, I feel in bondage to his hatefulness and disdain.

B1: Submit
Date: 09/12/2002

S1

Thank you for this story! What a help this site is. I have 24 years under my belt of ever increasing V. abuse till now. I'm getting help and I know it's not my fault. I no longer accept V. abuse from him. I am in the waiting stage, now that my boundries are set things are so much better. The issue for me is I don't know if I want to continue with the relationship even though the message I'm getting from the counseler is hope. I will have to see how I feel! It's so great to feel my own self worth again! No matter what I decide I will be in control of myself and my happiness.

B1: Submit
Date: 09/12/2002

S1

Thank you for this story! What a help this site is. I have 24 years under my belt of ever increasing V. abuse till now. I'm getting help and I know it's not my fault. I no longer accept V. abuse from him. I am in the waiting stage, now that my boundries are set things are so much better. The issue for me is I don't know if I want to continue with the relationship even though the message I'm getting from the counseler is hope. I will have to see how I feel! It's so great to feel my own self worth again! No matter what I decide I will be in control of myself and my happiness.

B1: Submit
Date: 09/17/2002

S1

RMM's story could have been written by me. It is almost identical. The only thing different is that I was the one who told him to leave and took my life back. I was marrid at 17 and was married to my ex for 30 years. Even though I never let him tell me totally what to do, what to wear etc. He did control me with fear in many other things. I also became silent and just walked away and did not speak up for myself and then I changed and took my life back and I do have it back now. I am happy and serence. Have a good job, own my own home and car and am in total control of my life. I still have some co-dependent tendencies, but I see them and I know what to do about them. And I really believe that that is going to be an ongoing learning process. I did my homework and researched everything I possibly could on personality disorders (even mine, because co-dependency is a disorder). And I empowered myself and took ownership of my problems and my difficulties in not having been able to say no and stand up for myself. and it took me a while after the divorce to stand up to other men, but I am getting better all the time and can walk away if I see that the person is not good for me. It is not always easy, but it is better than hurting. I have a great attitude about life. I actually always did have an optimistic outlook and never gave up. I did a lot of volunteer work with women groups that take care of abused victims. I took a lot of courses on abuse, addictions and counseling and even though I am not in the profession of counseling and psychiatry I am helping people by just talking about myself and life in general. Sometimes people need a friend more than they do a therapist. I do not give advice, even if asked, I give options and knowledge and resources and hope that it gives whoever I talk to hope and the feeling of love that I do have for people who are striving to make their life their own. Maria

B1: Submit
Date: 09/17/2002

S1

I can only pray that i someday have your strength i see ihave alomg road ahead of me. You are an ispiration thank you

B1: Submit
Date: 09/22/2002

S1

Thank you for your story. I have traded a verbally & physically abusive man for an emotionally abusive and withholding one. I have just realized this a few months ago. I am back reading my books and joining a support group. My being a medical professional has not insulated me from these problems. I hate to come home and things are sliding in the household. I will use your words to give me strenght and take back my life and stop taking care of him.

B1: Submit
Date: 09/25/2002

S1

I had an almost identical experience with my marriage. I got out of the relationship but only because he had an affair with a friend. I am now grateful for this but at the time felt destroyed. I went through four years of therapy and change and eventually met a new man. But after four or five months I realised things were going the same way, he was not quite the same as my ex but the verbal abuse and control were already starting. I have now had to throw him out,but I am so depressed that even after all my effort I am still attracting the same kind of guy. I still feel that I want him back and am fighting myself every day to stop seeing him. He rings me constantly charming and apologetic, enough to break my heart. Your letter has helped me to resist the temptation of having him back. I pray to god that one day I can find a man who thinks of me and I appreciate him enough to love him.

B1: Submit
Date: 09/28/2002

S1

what an inspiring story!!! It gives me the strength and courage to continue on with my quest for freedom and peace from my abuse spouse. I have filed for divorce and am feeling the gammit of feelings, reliefe, guilt, happiness, sorrow, but i know it is the right thing to do i just pray for the strength to get through all i have to endure, and pray that some day i will find some one to share my life with , that will celebrate my ups and give me a hug during the downs. thank you for your story. Jerzeegrl

B1: Submit
Date: 10/14/2002

S1

Wow, is this me writing this? It's like my own train of thought. I just got out of an abusive relationship, that I was trying to end for years. The "Hearts and Flowers" stage of the cycle always tempted me back in, because I had isolated myself that I felt like I would be utterly desolate and alone without him. I finally gave myself a deadline: if he didn't change by New Year's Day, I would leave him. And in order to make it stick, I would leave the country for awhile!! Of course he didn't change, not one little bit, though he memorized some pretty things to say about how he felt he'd changed. But his behavior didn't change. Dr. Jekyll got really sweet, but Mr. Hyde was still Mr. Hyde. So I bought a one-way ticket out of there, and moved across the world! Maybe I should have been stronger and stayed in the states, but I'm really happy here! And if I go back, I'll be my own person. I'm rediscovering all the fun things that I used to love to do, that he'd pushed out of my life. I don't feel like my old spontaneous, happy self, but I have faith that that self will come back as long as I do the things that make me happy and surround myself with friends, and feel all that rage over and over as it surfaces. Bless you for this website, for providing all this for free. I had never thought about verbal abuse before now, but my relationship really fit the profile! I feel very validated now. I will recommend this website to all my friends. Thank you!

B1: Submit
Date: 10/20/2002

S1

WOW. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. It took me quite while to finish it because of the tears. Each and every word really hit home with me as dificult as that is for me to admit. I felt like I was reading my life story. Thanks so much for giving me hope that better days are coming my way.

B1: Submit
Date: 10/28/2002

S1

Dear RMM, I really enjoyed reading your story. I separated from my husband after 23 years of marriage. My ex-husband is an alcoholic and abusive. I endured the verbal for years. I realized now that I was also co-dependent. I also was afraid of failure and figured I could fix the situation if I just worked harder at it. What myths. The verbal abuse became worse within the last 2 years. It became unbearable. I hated to go home. What is worse I sometimes believed what he said. I mean, he was my husband surely those things must have some truth to them. I prayed and asked God for relief. I just believed my husband could be free from alcholism and the verbal abuse. Well, he didn't change even after several therapy groups. It was also during this time I found out he was unfaithful to me. This he continues to deny. The final straw came when he began to verbal abuse our 17 year old daughter. One day while I was at work he got drunk and didn't stop with the verbal abuse, he tried to choke her. I realized that God took this situation out of my hand. I made a choice then. No one was going to treat me or my daughter like this. I realized too that there is more to life. You are correct that it is bumpy and rough sometimes. But it so nice not to walk on eggshells. I realized that I am a person of great worth. I deserve to be treated with respect and will expect it now. I know now that I do have needs and that does not make me selfish. I am trying to have closure. What I have realized in these past 9 months is: 1. I deserve respect. 2. I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". 3. I am a child of the "King" 4. Life can be great again. 5. That I can enjoy life without a man. 6. I still can have dreams and they can come true. 7. That I do enjoy being with others. 8. That people make their own choices, I don't have to worry about that. 9. I am lucky to have a wonderful, encouraging, 17 year old. 10. THAT WITH JESUS I AM REALLY OKAY I would love to hear from you or others.

B1: Submit
Date: 10/28/2002

S1

Dear RMM, I really enjoyed reading your story. I separated from my husband after 23 years of marriage. My ex-husband is an alcoholic and abusive. I endured the verbal for years. I realized now that I was also co-dependent. I also was afraid of failure and figured I could fix the situation if I just worked harder at it. What myths. The verbal abuse became worse within the last 2 years. It became unbearable. I hated to go home. What is worse I sometimes believed what he said. I mean, he was my husband surely those things must have some truth to them. I prayed and asked God for relief. I just believed my husband could be free from alcholism and the verbal abuse. Well, he didn't change even after several therapy groups. It was also during this time I found out he was unfaithful to me. This he continues to deny. The final straw came when he began to verbal abuse our 17 year old daughter. One day while I was at work he got drunk and didn't stop with the verbal abuse, he tried to choke her. I realized that God took this situation out of my hand. I made a choice then. No one was going to treat me or my daughter like this. I realized too that there is more to life. You are correct that it is bumpy and rough sometimes. But it so nice not to walk on eggshells. I realized that I am a person of great worth. I deserve to be treated with respect and will expect it now. I know now that I do have needs and that does not make me selfish. I am trying to have closure. What I have realized in these past 9 months is: 1. I deserve respect. 2. I am "fearfully and wonderfully made". 3. I am a child of the "King" 4. Life can be great again. 5. That I can enjoy life without a man. 6. I still can have dreams and they can come true. 7. That I do enjoy being with others. 8. That people make their own choices, I don't have to worry about that. 9. I am lucky to have a wonderful, encouraging, 17 year old. 10. THAT WITH JESUS I AM REALLY OKAY I would love to hear from you or others.

B1: Submit
Date: 10/29/2002

S1

Oh my gosh, your story is also my story. I had suffered in silence for too long. No one understood the abuse because they didn't see any brusis. They just saw someone charming and were blinded to the other things. Along with that I began to change just as you did. I wasn't myself anymore. Needless to say I have been out of my 27 year marrage for five years now and never regret it. God bless you! Nancy

B1: Submit
Date: 10/29/2002

S1

Oh my gosh, your story is also my story. I had suffered in silence for too long. No one understood the abuse because they didn't see any bruises. They just saw someone charming and were blinded to the other things. Along with that I began to change just as you did. I wasn't myself anymore. Needless to say I have been out of my 27 year marrage for five years now and never regret it. God bless you! Nancy

B1: Submit
Date: 12/01/2002

S1

I have recently made the decision to take the road less travelled and divorce my verbally abusive husbsnd and hope to find the closure that you did. My biggest regret; I stayed too long....

B1: Submit
Date: 01/02/2003

S1

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I just left my verbally abusive husband of almost 24 years less than 2 months ago, and I'm experiencing a roller coaster ride of relief, guilt, fear, freedom, etc. I miss the guy I wanted to marry in the first place; the one who always showed up just about the time I felt like I couldn't take it anymore. I really love that guy. But I haven't seen him around very often in the last 6 or 8 years. I don't know where he went, or if he was ever even really real in the first place. I had a chance to escape years ago, when he briefly left me after being charmed by an old girlfriend. He came back after a month crying and begging me to take him back. I said no, we had to wait and get counseling, but he moved back in while I was at work, and I was too weak and afraid to make him leave. He was very careful to be wonderful for a long time after that, but he gradually went back to the old habits. My 16 year old daughter is the one who forced me to look at the situation and take action. She told me several times that she was upset that I let him talk to me like he did. Once she wrote me a long note telling me that he was abusing me. That was the first time I ever attached that word to his behavior. She threw away the note, afraid to hurt me by giving it to me, but the dog picked it out of the trash and brought it to me. God does work in mysterious ways! (I just gave that dog a big kiss) I talked to her about it and told her I needed time to figure out what I needed to do. It wasn't 2 months later that he went on a rage spree that included tantrums and days of not speaking to me over such amazingly mundane things as not covering the barbecue grill and not making baked beans with the hot dogs when I KNOW he ALWAYS eats baked beans with hot dogs. Actually, he also didn't speak to our daughter for several days over that last one - he thought she was laughing at him, but she was really crying, and she looked at me across the table and asked why, and I had no answer for her. I knew then what I needed to do, and it was easy in the heat of the moment, but it's not so easy now. Now he has a girlfriend. Has since about two weeks since I moved out. Why does that hurt so much when I know I can never go back to him and be treated the way he treats me? The people who know us say he got a girlfriend because he doesn't know how to be alone. I think that is also why it makes me feel so bad. I feel guilty about making him feel bad. After all, I am responsible for his happiness, right? I also feel worthless, being so easily replaced. Well, that has to be her problem doesn't it? Mine are not easy shoes to fill in that relationship, and I should wish her better luck than I had. If she is healthy, she won't hang around long. Or maybe she can "fix" him. God knows I never could, and God knows I tried. Wow. Long letter. I have just expressed things here that I didn't know I knew about myself. Thank you all for listening. Here's to starting the new year with healing and forgiveness (but not forgetfulness!)

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2003

S1

Thank you for writing such an inspiring story. I have just filed my SECOND restraining order against my emotionally abusive and violent husband. I am emotionally exhausted after four months of battling to BE FREE of him for good. My children (not his....their father died) are very happy and relieved that he is gone and clearly moving on. I truly feel that God wants me to deal with this now...once and for all and I am determined to do so. He is trying to manipulate me into taking him back (blaming me for eveything he can think of). This will not happen and if he breaks THIS restraining order, he will go to jail and I am prepared to see this happen. Thanks and God Bless You for sharing your story. Barb

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2003

S1

Thank you for writing such an inspiring story. I have just filed my SECOND restraining order against my emotionally abusive and violent husband. I am emotionally exhausted after four months of battling to BE FREE of him for good. My children (not his....their father died) are very happy and relieved that he is gone and clearly moving on. I truly feel that God wants me to deal with this now...once and for all and I am determined to do so. He is trying to manipulate me into taking him back (blaming me for eveything he can think of). This will not happen and if he breaks THIS restraining order, he will go to jail and I am prepared to see this happen. Thanks and God Bless You for sharing your story. Barb

B1: Submit
Date: 01/17/2003

S1

Am so confused. I would love to stay in my relationship and learn how to set boundaries, but somehow the boundary-setting is so elusive to me. How do you just stop putting up with it. What does this actually mean? If you tell him you just won't tolerate something, how do you actually not tolerate it anymore? Just saying you won't, doesn't actually prove anything. In my experience, they always try you again! Does that mean you have to leave if they do it again? How in the heck do you tell someone who has threatened to kill you that you will not tolerate that and still stay in the relatioship? Please write to me: terry.journey@verizon.net

B1: Submit
Date: 01/26/2003

S1

Thank you so much for sharing this story. It has reassured me that I have made the right decision to get out. I am in the beginning of ending my marriage of 11 years to a man with alot of the same traits. I too, have no self esteem and have been knocked down too many times to count. This is my third attempt to get out. I have 2 children that I am terrified of the way they will react initially. I have no family for support, but finally have a friend that is willing to help me out of this horrible entrapment. Thanks again:)

B1: Submit
Date: 02/05/2003

S1

Wow! It seems as though I could have written the same story, 20 years of an abusive marriage and I have only just left right after this past Christmas. You were right they always act up during holidays perhaps because they see a glimmer of joy in your eyes and want to take the last bit of that away. Your courage is very reassuring and I know I am headed in the right direction too! Thanks for sharing your story.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/05/2003

S1

This whole story is me with the exception that I have not yet left my abuser. I'm working in that direction, have filed for divorce. It's so much harder leaving when the abuser is SO SORRY and is going to counseling. When they are making the attempt to change, it's hard to turn your back. This story gave me just a little boost of strength to shore up my foundation. I have written a book about my ordeal. Much the same abuse wise except he cheated on me and we lost everything we owned due to his messes. God bless all of us in this situation. May his love be our guide to freedom.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/08/2003

S1

I just want to say that your letter gives me hope.I am on my way down the road, but frequently take 3 steps forward, 2 steps back.I identify with all you have said.Reading has been my validation when unable to talk about my existence.I am in the rage/revenge phase-starting to come through it. I still have days when i remember the good times (very few), but am trying to concentrate on the bad so I DO NOT minimise the damage my partner has done to my children and myself.Believing in and caring about myself is an alien feeling-I hope I can develop this.Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: 04/20/2003

S1

Is this my story? I hope I can come to peace with everything soon in August it will be two years and I still feel like a rollercoaster ride. I hav eread books and they are so true it puts me in a panic attack. I honestly have not moved out of the revenge stage, I want him to be miserable and I hope he doesn't treat his "new" girl friend the way I wanted him to treat me ... this would put the icing on the cake. I have two daughters thet I am raising on my own (and always have) and I pray to find happiness in myself and forget him

B1: Submit
Date: 05/12/2003

S1

One of my greatest difficulties has been having no-one to talk to who really understands.Is anyone prepared to get into discussion? There seems to be so many that this is happening to.How can we get together and support each other?

B1: Submit
Date: 05/14/2003

S1

Your story sounds so much like mine. After 14 years of being verbally abused, and yes allowing my husband to do it to me,I hit a low that it was either I changed something or I wouldn't survive. I finally found a therapist who had been trained in verbal abuse and after searching my inner self realized that my husband would never change no matter what I would do. I spent my days dreading to go home, walking on egg shells, never talking or just being afraid to talk. I knew I wanted out and just 2 weeks ago I told him I was divocing him. Now he is begging me to forgive the past and that he'll change and go to therapy and all he does is cry and mope around. Yes, my guilt starts to take over but I continue to tell myself that I want to be happy and this person will not be able to give me that. I've learned to face the facts and not the guilt that he gives me. Yes, he is hurting because he lost control of me, but when I'm not around him I do feel releived and like 1000lbs has been lifted off my shoulders. I have a rough road ahead with the divorce, finding a new job (as I work with my husband) and convincing my som that this is for the best, but I look forward to the day when I just have peace in my life. Your letter was so true. I thank you Irene, as a year ago I never knew what verbal abuse was so I looked it up on the internet and found your web site and after reading the signs of verbal abuse, I knew I was reading about my life. At that point I started to change and get help. Thanks.\ KN

B1: Submit
Date: 05/19/2003

S1

Dear RMM Reading your letter was like reading my own life experience. You will never know how it has opened my eyes. I am separated from my husband and am dealing with the guilt but your letter was like freedom!

B1: Submit
Date: 05/20/2003

S1

Oh how I can relate to your account. It is very helpful to know that I am not alone, that what I have perceived and come to understand is real and valid. I would love to communicate with others, who like yourself, have come through the rain and found thd sunshine.Thanks for helping continue my work. june59047@yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: 05/22/2003

S1

Dear Rmm, i,ve recently discovered dr. irenes site and have also found a lot of comfort from it.Out of all the stories i've read here yours resembels the closest to mine. I recently put a finger on my depression and have come to realize that I'm suffering from emotional and verbal abuse. i'm 28 years old and have three children I married my husband when i was only 19. i also have let my husband lead the way and have the control. Now i'm so angry with myself for letting him invade my boundrys. I realize that i've even made excuses for his behavior and told myself that it's not that bad it could be worse , and i now know that it is that bad.So here i am and i don't know where to go from here,I'm a stay at home mom with no money and no where to go knowing i need to get out. Reading your story has reminded me that there are other people who have been here and have found a way out. It's story's like yours that i hope will inspire me to be strong. hopefull

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Date: 06/21/2003

S1

Your story inspired me, I am at the point I now understand my ex s behaviour, (still deal with him since he has access to our daughter). I am still learning more every day how to deal with it, the closure is what I long for, one day soon I hope...

B1: Submit
Date: 08/18/2003

S1

thank you for your story. I am still living with an abusive partner. reading the story has opened my mind and I shall try to find the path to MYSELF and my needs and desires. NOT HIS!!