Comments for So Hard

Comments: Why is This So Hard?

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April 26, 2005

Dear Ana, It is close to impossible to let go of a relationship that has been really hot and then cold. I get conditioned to waiting and waiting for the affection and it does comes in drips and drabs. So I wait and wait. When someone is dangerous, it's time to leave. IGNORE you feelings, use your brain. Sometimes it is necessary not to do what my feelings tell me. Women are so much more emotional than men, it is a CHALLENGE to behave logically, but we CAN DO IT. REREAD your letter to Dr. Irene, over and over again. Find someone who doesn't hurt you to hug, and hold onto that person, have them hold you for as long as you need it, that will help. THOSE FEELINGS WILL NEVER GO COMPLETELY AWAY. Don't act on them. You are a woman, you loved this man, gave yourself completely to him, your body and your heart. You can never forget that. It will always be there inside you, that yearning to make the relationship work, but don't go there. You can't control him, and he has shown that he is dangerous to you (and others). TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. No one else can. Get your life together WITHOUT HIM. You need to be OK on your own, it takes work, but you can do it. You will have to speak to him because of your child, but keep it on the topic. If any other topic comes up, hang up or leave. Don't invest ANY MORE ENERGY THERE. Good luck, Joni

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April 27, 2005

Hi Doctor Irene, It's me, Ana. Thank you for your comments. Last night I went to the first group meeting at a local Women's Shelter. Hi Ana! That's great! For what it's worth, even when the group leader mentioned that I could get a restraining order. ! I found this so strange in that I still don't realize the "danger". It's become "normal" to you. In all honesty, I don't think I am in danger anymore This minute. What about the next? and I think my boyfriend is surrounding himself with people who will have no trouble convincing him of how irrational I am for leaving the way I did, and, he will, as you say, hang the blame on me. This seems to be what he needs to do.

You mentioned that he might become physically dangerous. I didn't share that the night he turned into the raging maniac, he did walk over and punch my leg. OK, that's it. Once the line has been crossed, it will happen again, and it typically worsens over time. The next day I actually took pictures of my leg, so that I would remember the bruise. I wish you would have gone to the police with it. Eventually, I brought it up to him and he said that he was trying to move my leg. It was as though he truly believed that he never punched me. In his mind he justified or rationalized the act. I think he did it to scare me. Exactly. A normal guy would have no interest in scaring you Ana. The same as I think he unloaded the guns in front of me, to frighten me. I don't know if I truly understand what is going on with him. So I ordered the books you suggested, and am simply respecting that the relationship had become intolerable. I don't think it was just any warm body I wanted. It was his. I'm not sure why. Because, most likely, in the beginning, he put his best face on and gave you everything he thought you ever wanted. But that's him only when he's on his best behavior. Not when he's being normal. I have never been in a relationship where someone was so affectionate, loving, and truly "protective" of me. You are right I forgot the other aspects just so I could remain in his arms, as the woman he loved. This is so strange to me. Ana It may seem strange to you, but, look around the site: many, many people feel exactly as you do.

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April 27, 2005

Hi Doc, Just wanted to comment about what you posted. I was thinking about all your said over and over. A few things which I thought I would mention: I think the reason I was so upset by his not calling when he went to Vegas was because I saw it as the typical PA behavior I have described. In other words, he promised to call me when he arrives, my email said we all hoped he would be safe, and then he never bothers to call when he lands and proceeds to be in Vegas having a good time, spends time on the phone with my sister etc. but never calls his girlfriend who is pregnant, and home very sick. So it wasn't that I thought he was inconsiderate for not calling, it was that I thought it was his typical behavior of leading me to believe one thing, promising me things, and then behaving the exact opposite. It wasn't that this was the first time. I feel as though I've been tortured and accept my role in it, but you are right in everything you said. I thought if I loved him enough . . . Like the book says (which wouldn't be bad reading for you by the way), maybe you are one of those Women who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. Please keep going to the support group. Don't ever let this man ever hit you again. Once it's happened once, even as "an accident" it is going to happen again, but worse. Don't believe me? Ask the support group people. Dr. Irene

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April 27, 2005

Dear Ana, Several months ago I had my husband of 27 years move out. I had been in a verbally abusive/emotionally abusive relationship with him for most of that time, with a little physical abuse thrown in while he was still drinking in the beginning of the relationship. He has been sober for 20+ years now and I thought his recovery from that disease would fix the relationship. What I didn't know is that he has two problems, not just the alcoholism. I am 52 years old now and starting over. I am very proud of myself for finally doing this--something I feared I might never have the strength to do. The sexual deprivation has been hard (yes, older women do still want sex!) so I hear Dr. Irene when she says we miss "the warm body". Sex in these relationships seems to be the elephant in the middle of the room that no one wants to talk about. I don't know why these "roller coaster" relationships become so very addictive but they certainly do. I also think I had "learned helplessness" from the random shocks and rewards, and even though the door was open I couldn't get myself to leave. It is hard now for you but it will get easier as you recover your strength. Please take back your life and get out now while you still can. Don't look back, you are still relatively young and can put this behind you. Good luck.

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April 28, 2005

You know Ana I read your story and it makes my heart sick because I feel what you are feeling since I have a husband that acts like your boyfriend although my husband isn't as hostile, and has never called me names or been as physically abusive/scary but that part where you said you told him....'relax, I wasn’t going to turn into one of those women he feared' ...sent chills up my spine. I've said those very same words so that I could reassure him that I didn't think he was the A#$hole that he says he knows his family and other people think he is. I've been married to him for 17 years and for just that many years I've said that. But you know what Ana ? Despite all my attempts to be understanding and forgiving in the effort get him to trust me, it didn't happen and that has nothing to do with me. I realized he isn't capable of doing that for reasons I understand probably more than he does. It's like Irene said he's broken inside (thanks to his emotionally abusive Mother). He realizes he is and feels bad about it but he's too scared and insecure to give me or anyone his vulnerabilities. The best that he can do for those he loves is to 'control' those negative thoughts, feelings so he doesn't hurt us but that's hard to do 100% of the time. I know you feel like I do, like you can't trust your own gut feelings anymore and that drives you crazy, Over time it'll chop away at your self esteem. But think about this...my husband doesn't think and feel nor does he react in a way I can comprehend or anticipate so my life has been about walking on eggshells. I bet you know how that feels. You probably even blame yourself at times for not anticipating that the way you said something would make him mad. You probably vowed to say it better next time so you come off sounding more understanding. It won't work. I realized too late that it won't work. And that thought I know you have in your head ....it'll be better when.... it's not ever going to happen unless you do like Irene said and live your life devoid of your own thoughts and desires and needs. I contend that what you are not yet willing to face is that there is nothing you can do to help him, because to admit that would mean it's up to him to fix things and you know just like I know that if it's up to him then there is no hope of things ever being better. But Ana trust me false hope is not better than no hope. Here's what false hope will get you. You think to yourself I can take this I'm strong, of that I have no doubt, but imagine your life years from now being like mine. Our young teenage sons are distancing themselves from their Dad just as I did long ago. I'm starting to see them hide things from him in an effort to not make him mad ...just like me. They rarely share their feelings or confide in him anymore...just like me. He is so upset that they don't talk to him. Sometimes he's sad about that but mostly he's just angry because they aren't validating his need to believe that he is a good Dad . They don't worship him anymore. They don't feel they owe him their life nor should they. Irene said it like it is ...everything in our house is good as long as we see the world as he does. When the boys were young that was easy enough for them but as teenagers they have their own minds, their own ideas and make their own mistakes and Ana listen to your gut because I can tell you that it was so naieve of me not to realize that he'd start treating them just like he does me. I can do little to help him anymore. And you know when that realization hit me is when I lost hope in the US forever part and that's a hard pill of reality to swallow. I don't help him to make things right with our sons, nor do I attempt to 'explain' him to them that way he can't use me as an excuse for when things don't work out. I learned that lesson the hard way. I think he is feeling very lonely and lost these days. It's tough to say nothing and watch my sons be hurt by his emotional blackmail, but all I can do is keep reassuring them that the problem is not theirs. They are confused too. Imagine Ana when your boyfriends emotional abuse isn't just with you anymore but your child as well. To know that you can't undo or makeup for the hurt he causes them. My oldest son is so incredibly guarded with his emotions despite all my attempts to make him feel safe. He confides his emotions to me and that might sound wonderful but that someday when he goes off to make his own life I worry for him. Every day I contemplate what's worse for the boys.. divorce or life like this. Not what's best Ana. If I were you I'd keep saying to yourself and to him when he asks you what you want ....'I don't know anymore, and 'I think only you can make things better'. Don't even offer to tell him what's wrong just say I'm not happy and don't tell him why because that will only give him insight into a ways to put you on the defensive. If he's half the man you hope he is he'll find a way to make you happy that involves his going to get professional help. I am waiting for my husband to come to that realization but I don't think you can wait your boyfriend out given the level of physical and emotional abuse. Take Care, Terri

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April 28, 2005

She should leave like her fanny is on fire...this man is BIG trouble....is she wishing for a death sentence....she needs to go to a support group...and start believing she doesn't deserve this kind of abuse.

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April 30, 2005

Dear Ana: Life is too short to spend it wishfully thinking that this man will someday get it together and finally treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated. I have spent 6 years waiting for a man that I love to change and treat me the way I want. It has not happened and I finally believe and accept it will not ever be that way. Yes I am heartbroken right now because I ended the relationship. I have given up my dream. But the time I spent with him was truly a nightmare at times. I went through verbal, emotional and at times physical abuse. Why I put up with this I will never know or understand. Each day though I feel a little better and a little stronger. Please please stay strong. You have a chance to get your life back and it will be tough but it is better to do it now instead of waiting years from now. You only lose more time and those years you can't get back. This man is not worth it. You have to believe that. Take care - TC

Thank you Dear Readers for supporting Ana. One parting word to you dear lady: Ana: open your eyes! Good luck and God bless you. Dr. Irene, May 2, 2005.

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May 07, 2005

Ana have you considered that you are not experiencing closure because perhaps you feel dissappointed in yourself by the way you reacted? If so let it go forgive yourself but don't think that until you get it right you owe him benevolent thinking , next time Ill be better abusers teach others how to talk their languge speak your own its still there you have to listen.Walk away.

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May 08, 2005

Dear Ana, I spent 22 yrs with a man just like your boyfriend, he was my husband! Two years ago a friend gave me the link to Dr. Irene's site and I slowly began to understand why I was so miserably. I was chronically depressed and didn't know why,until reading about verbal and emotional abuse. I am now out of my marriage and almost finished with the divorce, but not before I had endured years of behavior like your b/f. I am on 12 different types of medication, I have had 17 different surgeries and on top of all that I had to walk on egg shells throughout the mariage and try to pamper and ease my H's ego. He would have tantrums when I needed care and scream and rage about how useless I was. I tell you this so you will know what the possabilities are if you go back to this man! This is only the tip of what I have been through over the years. I actually cringed reading your letter! I have felt everything that you describe ten times over. PLEASE DON'T go back to this man!! Your out, stay there, the divorce proceedings and the conversations I was forced to have with STBX in between them cause sever anxiety and I began to have anxiety attacks. It is almost over now, but I still have to worry, my health is poor and I am afraid the judge will have been fooled by STBX into thinking that I am faking my medical problems and she won't give me the support payments I need to exist. These are not logical fears, the J already told STBX he was going to have to pay support, but she didn't know how much yet. STBX was so controling he kept me from working outside the home, kept me from having friends of my own (the "friends" I thought I had testified for STBX) He wanted me at home cleaning and preparing meals even though I never knew when he would be home, he payed all the bills and controled the money, I was given $600.00 a month to run the house, I found out during the divorce trial that he makes $90,000.00 a year and his monthly income was around $7,000.00. He gave me two credit cards and told me not to use them except in an emergency, a few times I dared to by myself a doll(I'm a collector) and I was screamed and raged at until I was crying and shaking and promising I wouldn't do it again! Then I would for some unknown reson forget how bad he reacted and a few years later I used it again, with the same results he even threatened to destroy my cards or take them from me. I only used them for myself a total of five times in twenty two years, until just before I left and then I admit I used them for quite a few things but I new he wouldn't be here to yell about it! :) Ana these are only a few of the things I endured, what your b/f is doing now is only a begining, he won't get better, only worse. Please stay away from him! Read the books the doctor recomended and heal yourself so you can have a normal relationship with someone! I will pray for you and hope that you saty well away from this type of man! Misery

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May 08, 2005

I really feel for you as I am still in such a situation, long term. Only some of the details are different but the patterns are the same. And I have worked on my relationship and myself really hard. There is typically no cure for a really messed person. Big time therapy and his hard, hard work, well maybe . But he's not doing this, right ? And I know how hard it is to break free. But you have left him! That is the biggest step and the hardest. It is the one I am struggling with. You are left with breaking a habit, as with a bad drug that hurts you, even is killing you, but you keep coming back for the first feeling. He is just you big, bad nasty habit. Short term jollies once in a while (and that is what keeps you hooked, like a gambling addict),but the rest is hell. Keep reminding yourself of the bad stuff that will follow, for sure, if you go back. And keep telling yourself, like using a mantra, that you CHOOSE to give him up. You will suffer withdrawal synptoms for sure. So? That's life. Who says life has to be one easy street. It doesn't work out like that anyhow. Some withdrawal symptoms will sneak up on you when you think you're over him. They are just tricks of the mind. It is just that something triggers them, like a sight, smell, sound or event. They'll pass and each time you let them pass you are getting more over it.It is just like kicking any addiction. Maybe join a codependents group, in person if possible. Don't be fooled: this guy will NEVER be ok for you. He may even kill you one day.And what of your son ?You need to protect him. And you don't want your son to one day turn onto you what he learned from this guy. And with this guy you get sucked into a really dysfunctional relationship, you too. The saying goes something like you can't be sane in an insane situation. Just focus on living your life, alone with your son. I sure hope your son is with you and not with him. Live your life well and fully and work at growing and being a good Mom.You really don't need a guy to look after you. One day a good guy may enter the picture. And you need to build yourself up to be worthy of him or he will pass you by.He's looking for a two way street. But you can't turn a bad guy into a good guy just because you have feelings for him. Heroin addicts have feelings for heroin - big time. And it wrecks their lives and themselves and then it kills them. When you are most tempted, how about you affirm that you don't want him and then quickly get into living your life (without him). Don't sit and mope or you'll be gone (back). Go girl!

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May 08, 2005

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May 10, 2005

): I do believe when your body acts like it is sick around an individual that it is definately a survival reaction. I know it is very difficult to have a child by this man and I wonder how you will go at it alone. I am hoping that the child would have a father figure or good role models in life but I do not think this MAN is the case. Biological father yes...FATHER...NEVER. He is immature and unable to control his anger. HE gets off on the show of it and the power he weilds with it and let's it out because he can. It is the only way he can feel ALIVE. The anger is alive almost every breath he takes, it never goes away and he only pretends to be normal or in control of it so that he can get affection or some sort of normalcy. He will always be an outsider and there is no cure for him. For your safety and your childs safety you should move on. Be thankful for your youth that you still have and the beauty in your child and think of actually LIVING RIGHT NOW. Think about it honestly. WE are not on this earth very long. Do you need to invest more time and energy for someone whom maybe you initially felt sexually attracted to? His insecurity is in everything that he does. YOU ARE THE SECURITY for you and your child. YOU ARE THE "MAN" in this relationship in the sense that deep deep down you are WAY STRONGER than he will ever be and he will always resent you for this. There isn't a real need to confront or engage in conflict with someone whom is only pleased when you are praising him and doing things his way is there? Even if he admits to something he does is wrong and showers you with affection...YOu have to wonder what will he be buying soon or doing to get his thrills from sense he isn't SLAMMING YOU THAT MINUTE! Seriously take a look at your inner being and your child. Think of the beauty and learning you both could experience in an angst free environment away from this man. You will be kicking yourself and calling yourself an idiot and stupid every minute you let go by with this person. What is the longest period recently you actually focused on anything for yourself only? I am getting a SMIRK LINE!!!! from shaking my head and wondering what BS the BSer in my life will come up with next. I can't figure out if I should just go without contact or actually say "hey:' I can't do this anymore or what... I am tired of letting myself down. I was in perfect peak health and the questioning, disbelief, wonder, shocks, horror, tears and sleeplessness really almost did me in. I became wreckless with anger, got in two sports accidents I could have problably prevented had I been aware of my surroundings and not filled with the disease of his anger. Think of it as a Parasitic relationship. YOu will be sucked dry until you just conform and give up. That is the only way you can be with this individual. Don't do it please. Please save yourself and your child. BLessings- 3nd3m1c3d3n

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May 24, 2005

Hello Ana and Dr. Irene, I've been involved with a PA man for little longer than a year now, and it's been a complete disaster! I finally went to the library and just the "right" book fell from the shelf; it was "Living with the Passive-Aggressive men" book, and it felt like God saw my pain and was helping me. Until I've found the book, I blamed myself for every problem in the relationship with my PA man. I thought I wasn't giving him enough attention, I was too needy, too weak, etc. He would do things that are absolutely unimaginable to others. On the New Year's eve, around 11:55 am I come closer to him to hold him, he pulls back and says it's too much for him and leaves... and calls me back in 5 weeks saying he loves me and misses me. Another good one: my daughter and I are moving to a new apartment, and I desperately need his help; not only doesn't he help me, but he also disappears for 3 weeks. Then, when I talk to him again, he says: "Well, I didn't want to shoot you in the foot. I figured this apartment was not in your budget" Then, in February, I got very, very sick, I couldn't even get out of bed, my mom took care of my daughter. I was in bed for 3 weeks. He called once! And didn't even ask me if I needed anything. His excuse: he got too busy at his new job. And what do I do? I take him back! I can't ask him ANY questions, he wants to "volunteer information" and I should always wear a shirt with a question mark on it. One of his physical excitements is when he spanks me, so it hurts me. He asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I told him. And he got me something different and told our mutual friend: "I'm not getting her what she wants, just because she asked for it". Now, my problem is that I just can't leave him. I know he'll be calling me being all sweet and innocent, and I'll just take him back. It's just my personality that I don't believe that a person could hust someone so much, he must be in pain and I could help him deal with this pain, only if I could show him love and he could trust me. I would love to talk to someone going thought the same struggles, I really could use some support, it's SO painful to go through this. Is there any hope? A recovery program for people with PA? Liana

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May 24, 2005

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May 29, 2005

can u not read the writing on the wall...danger!!

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June 25, 2005

Dear Ana, I lived with men like this. 2 of them, almost 20 years apart. The first is a narcissist, the second was a narcissist with passive-aggressive behavior and severe denial. I kept trying to "understand" them and kept erasing parts of myself in order to comply with their never-ending demands. When they'd make promises to spend time with me, I'd get my hopes up, and when they'd break those promises, my hopes would be dashed. I paid attention to everything they said and very little to what they did-and they helped in that process by constantly directing my attention to what they said they'd do next, instead of accounting for what they had said they'd do last (which they hadn't done). I was constantly confused and demoralized by my own investment of hope, and "love". I didn't realize how much I was suffering, nor how much my family of origin had to do with my choices. My last spouse not only broke my spirit, but interfereed in every one of my personal relationships with others. He sabotaged every connection I had with my children, my mother, my grandmother, my cousins, and my friends and neighbors, so that no one supported me when I finally realized that I needed support. He broke my back and I've been left with permanent disability. After he moved out, I found a gun and a hunting knife under his side of the bed. He had no reason to have either of them, and no reason to have them in the house. I realized I couldn't change him when I went to a Codependents Anonymous meeting. I translate codependence to what it is functionally speaking: crazymaking behavior. That meeting changed my life. It helped me realize how many other people were suffering with similar issues, and how much I needed to stop focusing on my spouse, relatives', and friends' behavior and thinking and how much I needed to start focusing on my own. That led me to Pia Mellody's wonderful book "Facing Codependence" and to a series of realizations about how much I didn't know, and what I needed. I've been separated from my spouse for almost 3 years now and have been in therapy for 18 months-finally I can say I'm feeling sane again, and I have built myself a network of friends who know what I've been through. I have to hire people to help me with the most basic housework now because of my physical injuries. The only reason my emotional injuries are healing is that I realized that my own choices and behavior were a problem and I sought a change in search of help for myself. You ARE in danger. If this man doesn't destroy you emotionally or physically, the next one will. There are worse things than not having a person around the house-having a saboteur, a killer, someone who hates you for being vulnerable, someone who'd like to control everything you do. Being with someone like that is not being "loved"-it is being owned, it is emotionally speaking no different than being a doll on the shelf or an excess piece of baggage. The job of the doll is to wait for the owner's desire to play with it-it has no voice. The job of the baggage is to wait for the owner to load it with something and take it somewhere, until it's stuck on the shelf again. If you grew up with one or more parents who treated you like this, it might feel like "normal" to be ignored and belittled, or treated like dirt. It isn't normal, though-it is a manifestation of a personality disorder, and you cannot fix or help them. You can, however, fix and help yourself. I encourage you to focus on that-on what you need, on what you can do, on what is within your own power to accomplish. Ripleys_Cat, In a State of Gratitude and Sanity

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July 04, 2005

Ana, it seems like your going in the right direction.....but I know how you feel. I have been emotionally/mentally/verbally abused for 28 yrs AND I am finally going to be free from my soon-to-be-ex. Unfortunately this type of abuse is VERY hard to face recognize its happening to you....esp. when you have such a "model" husband(good looking, kind to others soft spoken etc. etc What I found out 2 yrs ago that this was really happening to ME..and felt alot of guilt..and a sense of failure, but I actually was able to realize what he was doing to me. One day I told my husband that I was very unhappy..this turned into the most bizarre behavior(as he proceeded to demean me he kept circling arounde me as I sat on the couch..and he went on verbally battering me......You could have hit me with a bat..BECAUSE I finally got the whole picture...it has not been easy disengaging him, but I keep trying..most 99.9% of the time I succeed so times a don't and fall back into old victim behavior..but don't give up..AND don't give in The light will shine thru..keep trying it will get better Jean

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August 10, 2005

hi, I am currently in what I know is a bad relationship. I have made excuses to stay in it (we have a daughter together, money etc...) but the cold fact is that i am afraid of not being ,loved isn't the right word, maybe accepted, belonging? I think that you problably feel the same Ana. I have asked my husband to get counseling. He said that I am the one that needs counselling. He doesn't think that slapping is abuse and that I push him into it. Now bear in mind I am FAR from perfect. But after stumbling onto this site, i don't feel quite as bad. I know that it will be hard for me not to ask him back (I have asked him to leave before but then asked him back). I have alot of work to do on myself and I am not sure where to start. Maybe you do too - Ruth

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August 16, 2005

Hello, this is the first time Ive visited this site and would like to say that I am a woman who has left a very abusive relationship, which was very difficult and lost alot of things in the process. What I dont understand is that I have cousins who were very close to me and fully respected me, however I know found out that they (there being 3 cousins) have all "got together" for a number of special occasions including one cousins 18th, one cousins hen night and other birthday or occasions and I have not been invited, I decided that this wasnt important and that it was probable that they had there reasons, however these facts are now bugging me more and more and more and I need to listen as I cant ignore it anymore, I thought to myself that if this did not matter than why does no one speak about it in front of me and why did I find out that these people were on a hen night in paris with my sister ! I was gutted absoloutely mortified (is this abuse) it keeps on happening and I dont feel strong enough to deal with this situation and I dont understand whats happening and when I have spoken to my mom about it she just says that its ok and I ve said its not and there is one particular cousin who seems to be the "leader" and whenever there is a social gathering she beings up ridiculous subjects to ridicule or embarass me and humilate me, Ive treid so hard and this does not go away - I feel I need to resolve these issues for my own self esteem and well being, as well as this my brother is also verbally abusive to me and my son at unexpected times so I am not prepared for this - this is very tricky as I am trying to teach my son self respect he alwys name calling and shouting me down - this is supposed to be my family ( who I left and lived in a refuge because of and of course my husband) is it me or is this potentially emotionlly and verbally abusive ? apple

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August 16, 2005

Dear Liana, I so sympathise with your situation and can really feel your pain, it has taken alot of courage to leave my sexually, physically, emotionally and mentally abusive hsuband and I am of ethnic origin, when I realised that it was not in fact me, that is the way he is, that is your man, that is his behaviour and he wont change for the world no matter what you do unless you want to be like him and speak his language and this is the contentment you want for yourself then it is cold hard facts that this is the man and the way he is and this is what he has to offer (probably not enough for an intelligent woman like your self (just for the fact that you can write about your feelings and want to do something about it) dont you think you deserve more than that? you deserve to be trully cared for and loved by someone who you can love back!

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August 16, 2005

I've been dating someone for about 8 months who I find to be controlling and verbally abusive, yet I am having a heck of a time getting out of it! Can I be addicted to the drama and rollercoaster and if so, how do I stop it? Sometimes he's the best boyfriend, and other times he's just plain mean. Gets drunk & stomps out of my house proclaiming that I don't like him! Or, brings out something out of the clear blue that is not happening (like his perceptions are all off!). I'm just confused, scared and not sure I'm sane staying w/ someone like this. Please help!

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August 29, 2005

jlfj;ljgla

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September 10, 2005

Hi,Iam Edna,A romantic in mymind.I am now leaving a relationship with a mean,narccists,who I allowed to crush me for a year and 3 months,He is a mailman,d.j.and a gambler...I allowed him to cut my heart like a razor blade,and like you i make excuses,break up go back and boom,another shot to my heart,Enough is enough,Iam ready to feel the pain and get over it,truly alone and happy beats a dead end relationship,I gotta go to work,but i will write again,eschleith@aol.com

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September 17, 2005

Wow and here i was thinking i,m the only one whose stupid enough to put up with crap from the supposed to be best thing that ever happened in our lives.I,ve been married for 53 years was seperated for 6 months yea i left him ha! Trying to get back with him and its not working out. We both are too set in our ways.Only way we can change is to live away from each other.All i can add is sait down and tell yourself youve spent 35 of best years of your life with this guy you REALLY want to stay with him another 35 yrs God willing? HELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

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September 17, 2005

Wow and here i was thinking i,m the only one whose stupid enough to put up with crap from the supposed to be best thing that ever happened in our lives.I,ve been married for 53 years was seperated for 6 months yea i left him ha! Trying to get back with him and its not working out. We both are too set in our ways.Only way we can change is to live away from each other.All i can add is sit down and tell yourself youve spent 35 of best years of your life with this guy you REALLY want to stay with him another 35 yrs God willing? HELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

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September 17, 2005

Wow and here i was thinking i,m the only one whose stupid enough to put up with crap from the supposed to be best thing that ever happened in our lives.I,ve been married for 53 years was seperated for 6 months yea i left him ha! Trying to get back with him and its not working out. We both are too set in our ways.Only way we can change is to live away from each other.All i can add is sit down and tell yourself youve spent 35 of best years of your life with this guy you REALLY want to stay with him another 35 yrs God willing? HELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

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September 17, 2005

Wow and here i was thinking i,m the only one whose stupid enough to put up with crap from the supposed to be best thing that ever happened in our lives.I,ve been married for 53 years was seperated for 6 months yea i left him ha! Trying to get back with him and its not working out. We both are too set in our ways.Only way we can change is to live away from each other.All i can add is sit down and tell yourself youve spent 35 of best years of your life with this guy you REALLY want to stay with him another 35 yrs God willing? HELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

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September 17, 2005

Wow and here i was thinking i,m the only one whose stupid enough to put up with crap from the supposed to be best thing that ever happened in our lives.I,ve been married for 53 years was seperated for 6 months yea i left him ha! Trying to get back with him and its not working out. We both are too set in our ways.Only way we can change is to live away from each other.All i can add is sit down and tell yourself youve spent 35 of best years of your life with this guy you REALLY want to stay with him another 35 yrs God willing? HELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

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September 17, 2005

Wow and here i was thinking i,m the only one whose stupid enough to put up with crap from the supposed to be best thing that ever happened in our lives.I,ve been married for 53 years was seperated for 6 months yea i left him ha! Trying to get back with him and its not working out. We both are too set in our ways.Only way we can change is to live away from each other.All i can add is sit down and tell yourself youve spent 35 of best years of your life with this guy you REALLY want to stay with him another 35 yrs God willing? HELLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

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October 20, 2005

Dear Ana- I recently was in a relationship with a guy who behaved emotionally like your boyfriend. Mine was long-distance and much like your boyfriend, he would do things that seemed to MAKE NO SENSE unless they were intended to deliberately hurt me. Your example of not calling for three days is just such an example. In my case, I would be the one who had to do all the work. I had to call him, I had to email him, I had to IM him, he rarely did the same for me. When I expressed that I was feeling unloved, he finally DID IM me to tell me that he was going out with SOMEONE ELSE as a "friend." From day one he told me that he loved me but couldn't be with me. That he cared more for me than anyone else but that he couldn't "do the long distance thing" again. That he wanted to see me but didn't know if he could. This went on for nearly a year. Coupled with constant little abuses, temper tantrums and sulking whenever I "complained" to him and made him "Feel like a shitty person" for wanting respect, validation or apologies for his behavior. Finally, I had to come to accept what it sounds like your finally accepting and that is that THESE MEN ARE NOT LOOKING FOR THE "PERFECT WOMAN". They never were and they never will be. They are looking for someone to abuse. I finally ended all contact (we would break up and then be "friends" and then he would start coming around again and telling me how much he loved me) when he told me that he had asked out another girl AND THEN HIT ON ME AGAIN!! He did it multiple times, leading me to realize that not only was he showing a tremendous disrespect to her, but to me as well. Pulling at an ex-girlfriend who became so tired, drained and angry with you that she left the State (I ran away finally) rather then be with you while simultaneously starting a "relationship" with someone else IS WRONG. There's comes a point when you have to listen to your body, your mind and your heart and shout out loud and clear "These are YOUR issues, not mine!!" When you can do that, life can start over.

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November 06, 2005

How do you mend a broken heart

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November 21, 2005

One thing that never ceases to amaze me is how we leave these abusive relationships and accept all the kudos and pats on the back. THEN, we turn around and find another narcissistic, passive-aggressive bananahead. He may be less screwed up, or more screwed up, but it's basically the same guy, different head and shoes. I did that up until 5 years ago. Four years ago, I made a list, called my "Universal Wish List". On this list was the description of a guy who didn't exist. The qualities of this man were "Out of this World" and "Unrealistic" at the time I wrote it. I carried it with me in my wallet for 3 years. I also wrote a "Non-Negotiable List" which I left at home (I know what makes me cringe, but in case I forgot, it was there). I'm an entertainer, and I have a very regal and Diva-like attitude when it comes to which gigs I will accept, auditions I will go to, people I will work with, costumes I will wear and who I will take on as students. There are things that I will absolutely WILL NOT accept as a performer. My beloved nana (God rest her soul) said, "Why don't you do that for MEN?" Durrrrrrr.... My nana rocks at pointing out the bleedin' obvious. Make the list..... Do your Diva Dance..... As for the list, The Universe delivered him! We were married two months ago. We met 10 years ago, and kept bumping into each other at the strangest times. We started out as friends last year because I was in Diva-mode. What we had in common was that he was too. We were talking one night and I remembered my list and told him how this "person" didn't exist, but I deserved nothing less and was prepared to spend my life alone and happily single. I refused to show it to him and he understood. I hadn't read it in almost a year. I did a few days later. I was FLOORED. I didn't show it to him until a month before our engagement ceremony. I surprised him with it in our scrapbook of our lives together - I put it in there for him to find. He teared up and laughed at how particular I was. He was most impressed with one thing I wrote, "He is aware that everything that I ask of him I am willing to reciprocate and he will receive it lovingly." Read that sentence again, ladies. Here's some more of what I wrote: "He is incapable of purposefully physically or emotionally hurting me." "He feels like he won the a Universal lotto and I'm the prize." "He has a healthy and SANE relationship with his family, especially the females." That was a biggie for me. "He cherishes my artists' temperment and encourages it." "He is not intimidated, but inspired by me and vice versa." That was SOOO not the whole list (I had physical descriptions, demeanor, voice, hands, hair, etc). It was all-encompassing in three sections: Physical (including $$), Emotional, and Towards Me (meaning his feelings and behaviours towards me). It's not the answer to all of our past woes, ladies, but it's a fun exercise as part of the process. Focus on what you can give yourself - including a GOOD, WORTHY PARTNER. Written with Love, Tahja Starr

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December 10, 2005

I can definitely relate to Ana's story. I have been in an abusive (verbal, mental) relationship for about a year and a half. My boyfriend is 7 years younger than me and I felt like I had won a contest when he picked me. He has been less than honest throughout our relationship and has on more occassions than I can count treated me so badly, I fear I'm developing an ulser. I cry continuously over the things he says to me. He has put me out of his home on two occassions. He has left me out in the cold when I caught him at his home with another woman. He has given me an STD that continues to flare up monthly. And just yesterday, he berated me before letting me know he no longer wanted to be in the relationship. I cried all night and most of today. It's a beautiful Saturday evening, and all I want to do is stay in the house and cry myself to sleep (and eat!). I am finally getting the picture that this man is not for me and that I will have to develop a more healthy self awareness. There is no way in hell I should let him or any other man treat me like this. I adore this man and am so in love with him (or his image). But I know he is not for me. I just pray that I am able to really leave this time and be done with this mess. Thank you for the opportunity to share.

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December 14, 2005

I just recently started dating a man & we really hit it off. Everything was GREAT until we had a blow out, thanks to him & a couple of his friends, & he hasn't called me since. Today is Wednesday. I talked to one of his friends, & I realize now that this guy is a control freak. As of last night, he told his friend that he will call me when he is ready. I can't stand it. Why do men put treat us this way? Why won't he just talk to me? It's been so long. I don't even know if that comment really means that he will call me again, neither does his friend. I know I shouldn't have, but I couldn't help myself, I left a few messages for him over the past few days. I keep trying to stay away from the phone, but I'm having a real hard time doing that. I'm scheduled for surgery on Monday & he was supposed to take me & pick me up. I don't even know if he will still be doing that. Is there anything I can do or say to this man to make him call & just talk to me??? What do you do with a control freak? It feels like he is doing this to somehow put me in my place &/or punish me in some way for jumping on him last Friday. Please help. A.

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December 14, 2005

OMG, I can identify with Ana. I am in a very similar situation (not living with him) and while I care for him, I do have a hard time denying him. Dr. Irene mentions that after a time apart, we forget the hurt and ache more for the relationship or of having someone there. It is getting worse and worse now. He is very sarcastic and constantly tells me that I need to grow up, and am hyper sensitive. Who would not be hyper sensitive when the other person constantly compares what he has to what you have and makes you feel bad for that. I am a successful professional woman in many ways, but am so stupid when it comes to this man! I need to hook up with a group, hopefully this is the one, who can help me build my self-esteem so that I can simply say to myself, "leroy who?" Thanks for listening, Sharon

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January 02, 2006

Dear Ana: I am in the same type of relationship....I am currently not communicating with him. But this usually only lasts for a week or two and then he calls and tries to humor me without apologizing for his bizarre behavior and then blames me. I have kept going with this yo yo relationship for three years because I kept thinking that if he had some normalcy in his life, he would come around. He has grown in some ways, but his abusive behavior and verbal abuse does not cease. If I say something about it, he will say that I knew he was like this, there is obviously something wrong with me for choosing him. He has offended and threatened me in so many ways that are shocking to the conscience that I lost count, and I would throw him out, call the police or just drive away.....but he always comes back. EVERYONE in my life tells me how evil he is, but yet, out in public, people love him....because they don't know him. Two local Pastors and a local therapists recommended that "I run". He is VERY good looking and has learned extreme methods of manipulation, it is amazing to watch him get exactly what he wants...it is a game to him. And the whole time, dismissing my accomplishments and worth, "because I'm a woman". I finally put it together this past weekend, that his abuse seemed somehow 'normal' to me because I had experienced a controlling father and he did not treat my Mother with respect. So I'm now feeling as though it is way past time, I own up to the verbal and emotional abuse that I experienced as a child and start paying attention to the warning flags. I've spent a lifetime reaching goals, standing strong and somehow still wanting the approval of my father. I guess it may be a strange thing to have a father that NEVER tells you he loves you. So you go around accomplishing things and being a wonderful person to everyone and yet your dying inside. The irony of all of this....is that, all of my friends would consider me an extremely independent woman, strong and resourceful and they all know that if I saw ANY man treating them with disrespect, I would stand up for them......have stood up to abusive boyfriends on several occassions to protect my female students. And even with all this protective zeal in my character, I have found it impossible to protect myself from the abuse of my own loved ones. It is HARD....that is what attracted me to your post. And I can only validate your feelings and tell you that your feelings are yours, and NO ONE has the right or any business attempting to control those or worse, enforcing rules upon the expression of your feelings. That was a real wake up call for me, when he actually said, he didn't care what my feelings were unless he felt as though they were important. So I now had to clear my feelings with him before I could express them? I jumped out of bed and he had to leave my home..........hopefully forever!! good luck, God bless....get a NEW attitude...the old one is not working! Captain

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January 03, 2006

Ana described my husband.I am to exhausted to go on with this. Thank you ana for your post. It help me relize:once again, That our marriage our family has no hope to heal because. Anger is the life the head chooses to offer us.I am afraid of a lot for my future and i wish there was real help for abused people. I relize in order for me to receive help, something drastic has got to happen. Do i really know what i am typing? The power of fear and doubt is hardened my heart so much. I am really scared.

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February 05, 2006

Dear Dr. Irene, I can relate! I read the book from doormat to dreamgirl, Why Men Love Bitches. My question is WHY? Why are there so many hotblooded American men like this? Where can they get help? How can we get mental health providers to help them or blanket America publicly for this sad excuse of acceptable behavior? I finaaly got free after years of emotional abuse and neglect. He turned it around to make it look like I was the perpetrator. The best part is I am free. Now I don't want to backslide down that emotional forgive him and love will make it right false hope I've had. Normally this works with normal people. We are dealing with the abnormal psychological make up of men who carry weapons. VA woke up in PA

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February 07, 2006

Dear Ana. It's nearly a year since you wrote this, and I've only just found it. What Dr Irene says is 100% the truth! And it's the truth that we need when we struggle to make sense of this cruel behaviour, and when it rears it's ugly head in new situations. I too have read all the books...and it takes a long time to let it all sink in and believe them... Like many others, and you, I have been through a very similar problem - 6 years of the mind games, but for me not the physical intimidation. It's been over 2 years since I walked (yahoo) from a situation like yours, and it's taken ALL that time and more to believe the advice I was given or read. Now I quickly say to myself.."what part of this cruel behaviour do I like or want? NONE, so get out!" Dr Phil said an interesting statment about withholding or ignoring another's expressed needs - "it is a most vindictive thing to do to another human being." I agree! I have found that being too forgiving can be dangerous when it means self sacrificing.... Cheers from a Kindred friend in New Zealand. PS I can tell you that the old saying of "love one another"...rings 100% true in this world! Don't get sucked into unequal love - it's fake. We all learn that eventually and we will all fall into traps in life - the secret is getting out of them REAL QUICK! Dr Irene - I like your advice!

February 11, 2006

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March 03, 2006

I am going through something very similiar. I feel for Ana, as I have done the same thing. I have been off and on with the same guy for five years. In the beginning he was very considerate and kind. He was very quiet. I didn't really see him as a potential mate. But, I fell in love with him. I tried to break it off many times, because I didn't feel we had the same goals. But, I always ended going back, because I was comfortable and I felt I needed to change him in some way. There has been violence involved in our relationship as well. Now I have an 11 year old daughter, who is not his daughter. She has seen alot of fights and has witnessed him slapping me, threatening me, and calling me names. I have had a restraining order and he has gone to jail. And even after all this he would still call me. I took him back this past year. We lived together for about 5 mos. I became pregnant in December. He has a 10 year old and supposedly a son by the same woman which he is not sure is his. Anyways, he doesn't take care of either of them. His mother and father takes care of his daughter who lives about 10 minutes from him. He never spends time with her and very rarely sees her. I terminated the pregnancy. When I got pregnant I became very sick. I would ask him to do things around the house or go to the store to go grocery shopping. He would act as if I was bothering him. Our relationship was on the rocks at this point. I also felt that I didn't want my child to have a father like him. He is a very angry and abusive person. He has no respect for anyone. I wasn't getting from the relationship things that I needed. So, I told him to leave. He has said some nasty and cruel things to me. He doesn't respect me or my daughter as I see it. He has spit in my face and said some nasty things in front of my daughter, so she will hate me. I can't put her through this anymore. He moved out but he still calls everyday and leaves messages saying he loves me. Somedays I give in and talk to him, but when I do its almost as if his whole attitude changes when I speak to him. Like he is not really sorry. He doesn't want to own his mistakes and always says that I start fights with him. He says he wants to be a family and change. I know he won't change. He's 33 years old and he is very immature emotionally. I told him that he needs to seek counseling, but that goes in one ear and out the other. I need the strength to move on with my life and find a happy healthy relationship. I'm so tired of being miserable. I pray to God everyday for strength to get through this. You are so used to being with someone for so long, that when you break up it's almost as if they are dead. You have to sort of bury them mentally. I feel Dr. Irene hit it on the nose when she said, you miss the warm body. I do. I miss the feeling of being in a relationship, not the relationship itself. There's alot more to the story, but it seems that your boyfriend and mine were alot alike with the anger issue. I hope you find your strength. I know it's hard to do because I am going through it. But, we need to stay strong!!! Good Luck!!

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March 09, 2006

About a month ago my husband choked me to unconciousness , two times , before he let go . I never have been knocked out and I realize that my safety, or my own life for that manner , meant nothing to him . Why did he do it ? He did it because I moved the truck down a few blocks so he wouldn't be tempted to drive it while he's plastered and disappear the whole night . A few weeks later he grabbed my arm and pulled me some feet and left a nasty bruise on my arm . Why ? he did it because I came to his job site to reclaim the truck and get groceries .(The truck is in both of our names, excluding leinholder)Well the truck payment was late and when we got home it was repoed . I knew I was in triuble so I knew I had a hurt arm from him an hour before , so I called 911 and said "help" and unplugged the phone so they wouldn't call back and he would find out that I called and hurt me more or kill me . I stalled him enough so the police could locate him this time. (Another incident he escaped, no action.)They arrested him and I made all statements of physical abuse from him -including the near-death choking, which by the way, I really believed he was going to kill me if I called the police that time since he said he would; but I believed something else much worst would happen than losing my life--he would leave me for good !! Now I am waiting for the justice system to do its thing and of course I pleaded "I want to be with him and hug him at night " and demanded to take off the restraing order; but reading some articles and learning about Al-Anon , I am starting to see my role and how I could never love myself again if I allow this man into my life. Wish Me Luck , Cuz I Am Going To Need It !!

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March 09, 2006

Oh I forgot to mentioned that our truck -he claimed it's his truck and I won't be allowed to ever drive it again - is being sold at a private auction and he can't come near me because of the restraining order . I still cry constantly, but when I realized how I played a role in his abusive manner ,I became empowered ! My life is worth more than a used Ford pick-up!! Lucky Lady

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March 28, 2006

I can relate to almost all these stories. In general, I've always thought that I would never allow myself to be in an abusive relationship. But emotional and verbal abuse are not as obvious...unlike a bruise or a scrape in the face. But these wounds from emotional and verbal abuse are so much more painful, deeper and harder to heal. I was destroyed after living with my fiance for 6 months. Then I didn't know what was happening. My spirit was destroyed. Those hurtful events continues to play vividly in my head. I finaly left the relationship after 6 months of living with him. I had so much fear, resentment, anger and hurt toward him. I thought that when I left, I would simply deal with a broken heart and move on. It wasn't so easy. I found out I was pregnant. I was emotional. I still loved him. I continued to talk to him over the phone. He made promises that he understands me, that he regrets losing me and that if he had one more chance with us, that he would do it different. He reassured me that he can love me the way I deserve to be loved. After numerous conversations over the phone for a few months, I finally gave it a 2nd chance. I was pregnant with his child. I was still in love, as strange as it may be to be in love with the person who killed my spirit. I wanted so desperately to believe his words. And...I did. Signs of little change were already popping up before we got back together. I look back and I realized that I did what I did from the beginning of the relationship, that is I ignored my instincts and made excuses for this behavior. It wasn't even 1 mo until moving in a place together, while I was one month from delivering, the abuse started up again. It was mostly emotional abuse. Where do I begin? So many events that I'm ashamed to share because I took the abuse, I took it and I endured all. He drinks at least two to three drinks each night. He denies he has a drinking problem. He insists that he has to feel comfortable in his own home...that is drink when he feels like it.