Comments for Sheer Frustration

Comments: Sheer Frustration

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1998-2004. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

Mindy -- Where are you? No comments? I will email you again. Dr. Irene

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Wednesday, December 08, 2004
12:11 PM

Hi Dr. Irene-Mindy here. I wasn't sure exactly where to reply so I am replying here. This is exactly where you are supposed to reply; glad you got here. Great advice. I have your book on order. Good! Exercising is going great. I printed off your "fighting rules" for my husband which he acknowledged and set some boundaries. Good! I also shared some quotes out of some books that I had picked up to let him know how what we were doing was affecting our relationship. Sounds like he's listening. We had one issue come up and he started in his defensive, excuse making mode, "I put those there two weeks ago.."(no, it was yesterday), and then there was, "I honestly can't remember doing that...don't you trust me?" I did not lose control and we were able to work through it of course with me doing the leading. Very good!!! I feel empowered but things are relatively quiet and he is definitely on his best behavior. Just continue to keep your cool and set limits.

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Wednesday, December 08, 2004
12:16 PM

I did not approach the counseling issue feeling that that would have over-ridden any prior messages that I was trying to get across because of that defensive mode. We'll see how things go for now. Thanks again! M. I'm a little disappointed that you didn't address the issue of your own anger, but it looks like you heard what I said. Good luck to both of you. Dr. Irene, 12/12/04.

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Monday, December 20, 2004
12:01 PM

Good morning. I feel like I am getting better a little bit everyday. Yesterday night, I was watching these weddings and I got very sad. Not because I just wanted to get married, but because I want to find that kind of love. But I realize I have to start with me first. I feel emotionally numb compared to how I used to feel. It scares me sometimes, makes me feel like I will never be in love again, the kind that always makes your heart beat and stomach flutters and all. But I did wake up stronger this morning. last night I was just imagining M getting married and it upset me very much, but this morning, I realized more and more that he is not the kind of man I would ever want to marry. the person he used to be no longer is. I went to church on Saturday and confessed for the first time. It was a nice and freeing experience. I feel like I can start over with myself and God. I have been cold to AJ lately, and I feel horrible about it, but I just have a hard time being affectionate, because I realize more and more what I do deserve and what I didn't get. I guess I am "licking my wounds" but I hope that doesn't last too long. Ahhhh the road to freedom, so many booby traps along the way, we just have to learn how to recognize them early on before we fall in. I will check back later. God Bless. Cathy

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Monday, December 20, 2004
03:28 PM

Sorry Guys, I meant to put it under my board, heartbroken. Disregard this, it has nothing to do with Mindy's account. Cathy

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Monday, January 03, 2005
09:27 PM

Dear Dr. Irene After 14 years in an extremely abusive marriage (emotionally and verbally), I finally had enough and decided to divorce my husband. Since than my life have been hell and I don't know what to do. We have 3 children ages: 2. 6 and 12. They have witnessed their father calling me names on a daily bassis, humiliating me, screaming at me and now threatening to fight me for custody. My husband has always been very abusive. He blames me for every thing that goes wrong in his life. I stayed for so long because I was simply afraid of him and afraid of raising my kids with no financial support from him (he always threatens not to pay me Child support and alimony). I know he needs to put me down in order to feel strong and good about himself. I never fooled myself and always knew things won't get better but was too scared to leave. My mother was abused just like me. My father on the other hand, always appologized after every outburst and said how much he loves my mom. My husband has never done anything like that. How do I deal with the divorce while living in the same house with him?. He doesn't show any signs he is about to move out. I'm afraid to face him in court. He can put on a very convincing act of a stable man. If my kids will be interviewed by a phsycologist, I have no doubt in my mind the truth about him will come out. I tried to keep my mouth shut and not to answer him when he is screaming at me and threatening me, but it's very hard. I don't understand why he is doing this to me, why he hates me so much, where does this need to humiliate and insult someone like that comes from?. I have to add that he is very intelligent man. No one out side our close circle knows his real face and his abusive nature.

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Monday, January 03, 2005
09:28 PM

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Tuesday, January 11, 2005
05:07 PM

Dear Mindy, I hear and understand your pain more than anyone can. I have been in an verbally abusive marriage for 30 years. Just this past Christmas the moment came to me in such a crystalize clear manner that I was married to a stranger. In the middle of an argument he told me that I had no value because I was a stay at home mom and that I did not contribute to the financial running of the home. His tyrannical actions of the past 3 decades should have been enough but when he actually verbalized his feelings concerning my value, all the doubt I had about making him act the way he did and trying to rationalize that his behavior was due to my shortcomings as a wife dissappeared. I asked him to go to counseling with me and he refused, stately that there was nothing wrong with him. I told him I wanted to go and he said that I should do whatever I wanted to do to make myself happy. Right now, I feel almost hopeless in ever making him see himself as he truly is. My advice to you is not to become an abusive person yourself while trying to cope with an abuser.

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Monday, January 24, 2005
10:57 PM

Mindy- Thank you SO MUCH for posting your story. It sounds painfully familiar...TOO FAMILIAR! I have been married to my verbally abusive husband for almost 5 years. We have been together for 8. Ironically, I left a very stable, laid back, wonderful guy to be with my husband. Now I regret this decision because of the daily bantering I get from him. Today he told my kids that "Your Mommy is a bitch". Well, we have two year old twin boys and an 8 month old. I don't want my boys growing up knowing that I have accepted this behavior from their dad. I am done. I am washed up. It's enough energy being a sahm let alone trying to battle dh. I, like you, have a LOT of anger built up. I am pissed that I get treated this way and don't get respect. I am going to set a therapy appointment this week and hope that this is the one effort that he will see. I feel like a battered woman...frustrated and alone. Thanks for having the power to make the change as it's inspired me. This is the first time I read the story section. I have read Dr. Irene's website two years ago (the problems with his abuse got really bad after the twins were born because my focus was no longer just on him!). So, I am going to dive deeper and look at the suggestions you mentioned in your letter. THANK YOU Dr. Irene too....for having such a valuable resource. I want to make a difference for me and for my children. Ironically, I have always been a very strong person. This, however, is breaking me down. I don't want him to have that kind of power over me and our children. Bridget

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Monday, February 28, 2005
05:20 AM

Hi Mindy, I am an old timer, Dr Irene may remember me. I am Theressa. I spent years trying to change the unchangeable. Then I realised a major thing in my life, I can only ever change me. I can change my responses and I can choose the environments I place myself in. I can stop using shoulds and musts and ought tos. I can change this to I'd prefer. I would prefer it if a person be a certain way but it isn't the end of the world if they don't behave in the way I want. I learnt to have a life inspite of the abuse. I live by the saying "live and let live". I began to stop concentrating on him (my abuser) and start exploring the beautiful world we live in. I took courses and found out what I enjoyed. No it didn't stop him behaving the way he did, it didn't' stop him being so unrealistic. BUT I started to find out who I was and to feel good. I took the focus off him and began to build a me I could be proud of. I stopped obsessing. I realised each time I am in rescuing mode it means I need some nurturing. I need to take care of me. Each person is responsible for themselves. They are more than capable if we let go and stop picking up the pieces for them. Whilst we are busy telling them what to do we are wasting lots of precious energy that could be spent having fun with the kids or doing something we enjoy. Another thing is it won't matter what you do you won't stop this man being who he is. I wasted years of energy and it never changed him. My issue was being too concerned with others lives and not concerned enough with my own. I know it is very difficult to watch someone hurting your children but it will do nothing by you keep pointing out his MISTAKES as he isn't ready to look at them. One day he may do but that will be when you step out of the way long enough for him to suffer the consequences of his actions. You are like a buffer to him, you stop him really experiencing the pain he needs to start changing. Remember, it doesn't matter what you do, this is not about you, this is about his old resovoir of pain. All you can do is be a good rolemodel to the children by living your own life. You would do better to leave the room rather than argue back because he can't' hear you, honest! He is too out of touch with himself to right now. WHAT GOALS do you have? How are you progressing your life and using your talents? One day you'll get strong enough to choose a better environment for yourself but until then make the best of where you are by GETTING YOUR OWN LIFE and taking the focus off him. You asked for advice, I am not usually one for giving advice but since you asked I don't feel I am rescuing you. You may wonder why I replied well DR IRENE and lots of other fabulous people helped me to get a life and I am ever grateful to them so I thought I'd give something back. BELIEVE me you can live a better life and smile more, it just takes time. BUT it starts with you taking the focus off him for long enough to live your own life. YOUR PATTERN of focusing too much on fixing others and not long enough on building your own fun life is not effective and not making the best of the wonderful person you are. Lots of love, Theressa One day your anger will help you get away, but for today take it as an indication that you are spending too much energy on him and not enough on you and your precious children.

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Sunday, March 06, 2005
09:47 AM

Dear Mindy, I just have this to say, because I believe Dr. Irene has pointed you guys in the right direction and I wish you both luck. However, this whole elves and Santa thing sounds like a big lie and betrayal to kids anyway. I believe your husband was more on the right track with his answer, he just could have broken it to them easier than just blurting that out. There just doesn't need to be these lies to kids as if the Santa thing is real. I don't know how many times kids have felt betrayed once they were old enough to find out this whole Santa and elves wasn't real anyway. One of the things they come to count on in coping in this world. My point is part of the whole adult drama that you now find yourselves in starts as children with betrayals such as this. So just like you don't want your husband manipulating and lying to you, don't do it to your kids either and maybe this whole abuse cycle will be broken. Regards, CeeCee