Comments:  Comments for Seeming Impossibility

Hi Majhora, You could be me, I have three children, had nanny, best private preschools money could afford etc. read my story "I feel dead towards him". there's never a good enough reason, he wont give you one, you have to find within yourself the resources to leave that type of relationship and fix it or move on. I left my H in August, my kids have no nanny and no "best preschool" but we are very happy, to be honest they don't even ask about him very often. It all sounds so familiar, your whole story. You don't have to live that way, you don't have to live feeling disrespected only to conserve the "comfort" that you or others perceive, there is more to life, start standing up for yourself and your beliefs. HE doesn't have to agree with you or even listen to you, start listening to yourself. Write in a journal, start talking a little to friends or family or ANYONE that is close to you about what is going on, I think you will be surprised. Nina

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Friday, October 07, 2005
12:00 AM

I feel you husband is definitely abusive. It doesn't seem like there is any intimacy in this marriage. By intimacy I don't mean SEX, I mean equality, mutuality and goodwill towards each other. It seems like whatever he wants he gets. You really don't want your children growing up in an environment like this. There is no respect in this marriage. I'm sure you like the lifestyle you are living in now, BUT IS IT WORTH IT???????????????? You said that if you tell your husband that you are hurt or angry that he gets angry at this. This is what I have heard also. His explanation was that he gets angry when someone is upset with him, he doesn't like it. This is childish behavior. It's almost like a temper tantrum.

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Friday, October 07, 2005
08:33 AM

Hi, you might want to check out the catbox for support from those who also have experience with this sort of behavior. My X is Passive aggressive too and it's the worst sort of rejection to endure: emotional abuse. You really don't have a marriage to hold on to IMO. He is being very destructive to you and the kids and endangering your children's safety by leaving pills around. Plus it looks like he is unfaithful. Material things in life aren't as important as providing good role modeling and love. You're likely to be provided a good material life in your divorce but kids don't need the best of everything. They need loving parents who show each other respect and concern. After all, your kids will learn from you two what to expect in a future partner. I'd rather live a modest lifestyle with a loving husband and father to my kids than live an empty life in a castle. He's basically emotionally abandoned you and the kids already. Maybe counseling will help you gain your self confidence back. Detaching helps you gain your sense of self back, but ultimately, it's the first step in leaving. My detaching made my X really nuts because even though he shut me out, he wanted to be the one controlling everything, ciao

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Friday, October 07, 2005
04:54 PM

Majhora, My heart goes out to you for the conflict you are feeling. I was married to a passive aggressive , verbal and emotional abusive man who provided me and my children extremely well materially. I am in the midst of negotiating an settlement that will leave me with very little financially, but spiritually will set me free to be the person and mother I want to be. I will be moving from a substantial home and lifestyle to having to live with my family until I can get back on my feet, and I am 39 years old with 16 and 14 year old daughters. My STBX has managed to let the poison in him destroy himself and whereas he was once listed in the rich lists, his self destructive behavior has left us racked with debt and ruin. I stood by his side hoping, praying, that one day things would be different and that they might change. If I would have had more courage years earlier and not been sucked into the mirage of material security vs. personal well being, I would not be in this situation today. A man of this nature possesses a destructive streak that might result in his own self immolation that might leave you and your girls unprovided for anyway. The choice is yours. The battle of material comfort vs. spiritual riches is a personal one. Many women stay in unhappy relationships for financial security for reasons I can understand. It is a very personal issue that only you can resolve. However I caution you to consider that THIS MAN WILL NEVER BE ANY DIFFERENT and likely get worse. If you leave now and start afresh in a few years it will all be behind you no matter how difficult it seems. Every year you stay makes it that bit harder to leave and your soul, dignity and self respect will be continually under assault unless you can find some means to coexist with him. Wishing you strength - Jenni

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Friday, October 07, 2005
05:28 PM

>>>>>Majhora<<<<<< Wake up, your feelings are YOUR feelings and deserve to be validated. Who cares what other people think, they did not marry this S.O.B. Besides people are fickle and are ready to jump on the first "drama" wagon that comes along, because it takes there mind off there own problems. Live for you and your children, I realize you will not be living in quite the same life style that you are used to, but it is just a farce if you are unhappy, THINGS and LIFESTYLE does not make a marriage. Get out for you and you children, you do not deserve this treatment from ANYONE,  you just have to be willing to let the lifestyle go as well as him. GOOD LUCK!!! Chris

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Saturday, October 08, 2005
11:14 PM

All: Majhora here. I really appreciate all of your comments. After reading your posts, it is as if I have been inoculated with a completely new feeling, or way of being, and it has to do with a certain relief in realizing that I am the author of my life, and that no one has a right to judge me in my decisions, AND, importantly, that my utter misery and loneliness in this marriage have to be addressed one way or another.

I am not saying I am now cured of my low self esteem issues. But, I am saying I am beginning to sense a flicker of what it must be like to be confident and to live for oneself. And you CAN go there! Dr. Irene, as always, your insight flicks a switch in my psyche, and I start in a totally new, fresh and healthy direction each time. See, you CAN do it! I wish I could work with you also, face to face maybe, where I could gain my strength and see things more clearly. Since I read your comments, I have not approached him or longed for him at all Yippeee!!!!, and I must say, I stayed with the feelings of wanted someone close to me, sharing my love on a Saturday morning, and there was no one, and I felt lonely. Of course you felt lonely. In this marriage you ARE lonely! but at least I did not feel downtrodden again by him. Excellent! Otherwise, you set yourself up to chase a mirage: something that cannot be had/ does not exist.

It should be very clear to you now that while you want a loving partner very, very much,  your partner is not loving - nor will he ever be loving.

Nina: I read your Board before I posted, and your story seemed very familiar. The only difference I guess was that I was feeling envious of you that your STBX even cozied up with you sometimes and in his own way acted like he wanted you. You see, with my husband, it's as if I were invisible. He doesn't say hello when he walks in, he doesn't say good night at nights (heck, he falls asleep in the spare room with the door closed most of the time). If I ask him for something, such as, for example, medicine for my cold at the grocery store, he'll stop at the grocery store all right, but the cold medicine is the one thing he'll "forget," until I have to remind him. Your husband is EXTREMELY passive-aggressive. He sets the stage for you to react appropriately to his mis-behavior (you feel hurt/ shut-out, etc.), and then he gets angry that you responded normally! You just can't win. See why you need to disengage from his antics? When in a good mood, he might even go out and get it, but acting as if he's doing me a favor. He literally will not give me the time of day. If I ask him to hand me, say, wipes for our toddler, he'll just act like he didn't hear me and walks to the other room. If I want something, I have to ask at least three times, if not more, before he'll acknowledge me, and then his acknowledgment is in the form of "stop nagging me!" Here he goes again: sets it up so that if you fall for the game, he gets mad at you for responding appropriately. See why you can't assume he's a normal person?

 If I express an opinion, he will immediately cut it down, sometimes by sarcastically repeating my words verbatim under his breath. We haven't been intimate for four months now, and, frankly, the thought of being intimate with him disgusts me. Even on a physical level. I am finding him repulsive. Another normal reaction on your part. How can I share my body with someone who at best treats me like a nothing? Exactly. I feel dead toward him too. I admire you for leaving, Nina. You are courageous to do so with three kids. Were you not regarding what he may do to the kids in terms of manipulative, passive-aggressive behavior that might hurt them in the long run? Money issues are the reason most-often sited for staying. But a small condo is not exactly like being in the street. You need to ask yourself if you're willing to trade living in the lap of luxury for reasonable accommodations and emotional freedom for yourself and your children.

Jenni: You make a great point about his poison inside himself destroying him eventually. He seems like someone who is constantly fighting something inside himself, never ever happy, never enjoying anything, always angry that he didn't get this or that, or that he doesn't have enough money as so and so. I honestly have never met a more miserable, greedy, insecure, manipulative and toxic person in my life. It is as if he is possessed by something that oozes from him. The problem is, as totally crazy as it sounds, people like your husband cannot help but act the way they act. The tendency to destroy everything around them, as well as themselves, does not just go away. I know it is incomprehensible to you that anybody would act this way. It is crazy! Do not ever expect to understand his crazy behavior because by definition, it is crazy! It is downright awful. I haven't talked about the worst of it on this board, like the time he stood above me with his hand raised and a twisted face daring me to call the police if I DARED. Or other times. I haven't told you all the worst of it. Be that as it may, you are right Jenni, people like this get worse, and this life of material comfort somehow seems very ephemeral to me. All the more power to you for leaving. I admire you, and I must say I don't admire myself for being stuck where I am. Leaving is a process. Each person has to go through the preparatory steps in their own time and space. You are disengaging now, and that is a good thing. Thank you all, and please keep writing.

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005
02:53 PM

This guy is passive aggressive big-time...I have been where Majhora is and there is NO changing HIM...It broke my heart when my marriage broke up 2 years ago - he left. But now, through excellent counseling, I see the proverbial light and know that I was not the problem. Yes, I am not perfect and have issues but PA is abuse and Majhora that is what you are living with. Emotional abuse...

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Thursday, October 13, 2005
10:33 PM

Majora, Dr. Irene is giving you great advice when she encourages you to focus on fixing yourself so that you are not going around plagued with guilt, self-doubt and indecision. These emotions can paralyze you from being able to make the best decisions you can make. And you need to. I have a husband who exhibits many of the same passive aggressive distancing tactics as yours. I am very familiar with it and also with the feelings of doubt. I often feel terribly helpless in the face of his bouts of this behavior. But if I am honest with myself, it has been going on for years and I DO know the patterns and the usual things he excuses himself with. He does the shutting out thing as well by using the TV, not speaking to me for days on end, and locking me out of our bedroom. On a regular basis, not just when he in one of these bouts, he refuses to ever answer the telephone, whether it is a call to his office or a call from outside to our home, and he refuses to respond to emails, saying that he did not receive them, In short, he makes it impossible for us to communicate or coordinate anything.

He never can let me come into his private office, and has all his mail and bills go to that address. I feel that he would justify anything he does and because of this, I can never really feel safe with him. The instability tears everything down and I try to start over and over again, but he never sees what he is doing and loves to call me a nut and try to make me completely ridiculous to justify his cruelty. Well, what I really wanted to say is, you have kids - you've got to make sure that you take care of yourself and your children. Don't let your husband's attitude shape them into people who can't give or receive love. I can't tell you how much I understand your feeling about trying to distance yourself and get by. I have tried and tried to do this, and it is such a lonely way to go. It was that comment in particular that moved me to write to you. I know that place so well. Best of luck and God bless.

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Friday, October 14, 2005
06:15 PM

Dear Majorha, I also live in a "big" house, nice neighborhood and have a husband who ignores me. We've been married 15yrs. Unlike you I gave up my career/income to raise the children (now 10 and 13). He won't change. I used to be hurt, then angry, now I just don't care. Leave while you and your children are young... there's a life waiting for you out there. Mary

Oh, lots of you guys in big, beautiful houses... As per the old Beatle song, Money Can't Buy You Love... Nor can it buy you peace of mind. You guys have been great. Please feel free to continue posting back and forth as long as you want. Dr. Irene, October 15, 2005.

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Saturday, October 15, 2005
11:08 AM

Hello Majhora, I am sorry to hear about your situation - it reminds me of my parents' marriage as well as my previous marriage. Let me start w/my parents, they were married for 17 yrs and had three kids. (They divorced when I was 16) When they were married, we lived in a beautiful house as they were both financially successful. At a young age, I learned a person can have all the wealth in the world but it is never enough to make you happy. It took a long time for my mother to realize that being in an abusive marriage is not healthy for the children , no matter how well-off we were. It was a struggle for her to become independent by paying the bills, child support etc. but in the end we no longer had to live with two arguing, unhappy parents. I was a witness to verbal abuse at a tender age and it affected me, years later. My own marriage ended this year after 6.5 yrs. I too was a victim of verbal abuse and I was not happy. My kids are 3 and 1.5; I was very codependent and stayed in the marriage for the sake of the kids having two parents living together. Not to mention I was also financially dependent on my husband. I had always felt trapped and helpless. I became so depressed, I started anti-depressants which have helped. After reading about verbal abuse, rebuilding my self-esteem and realizing I don't deserve to live in an unhealthy marriage, I left with the children. Even now, months later I feel guilty for them not having a full-time dad, but you know what? My children are actually much happier that I am in a better mood. When my ex and I were married, the kids were caught in the middle of our fighting and as young as they are, they'd try to stop us from yelling. I am feeling such inner peace now that I am free from verbal abuse. It was a long journey but it was well worth it. I believe children need to be raised in a happy, nurturing environment with two parents who love them and each other. Your kids will be affected by the bad relationship you have with your husband and may very well end up in the same type of marriage. Can private schools, a nanny and a mansion really compensate for being unhappy with your spouse? I don't know why, but women are taught that if you have kids with a man, you must live with him for the rest of your life, even if you are miserable. My mother taught me very valuable lessons - it's important to stand up for your needs and rights because no one else will. A life filled with unhappiness is no life at all. I hope you can resolve your feelings of guilt and self-doubt and figure out what you really want. Dr. Irene's website is a great start. =) Lana

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Saturday, October 15, 2005
11:14 AM

Dear Mahjora! As almost all of us, I know, what you are talking about. Though in my case, it is slightly different - he could be extremely loving and extremely ugly in a way how he acts towards me, and now towards my eldest daughter. I have 3 children - daughter and 2 sons. When I read your letter -I wanted to say - don't think, that it is not important, how he treats you - especially it looks like there is no even one sunny 'day', all are very 'cloudy'. Dr. Irene and other people already wrote to you very valuable comments, so I just could repeat them - this person WILL NEVER GIVE YOU ANY emotional comfort - how he can change? By miracle? He shows his real face for so long. And really big and nice house - can't substitute the happiness of the relationship. In my case - I was confused, because he was different every time. And I knew, he needs me. But the way, how he treated me, was slowly destroying me, until I understood - I am becoming 'nothing'. I was dragging myself out of this. And I am proud, that I am now much stronger and can do things for myself, not waiting for his approval anymore. Before I was always seeking it, or fearing his reactions, more right to say. Whatever I like and wanted to buy - always NO. But in the same time -he would offer me something and insist of buying, which I don't like, and he knew it! I was never greedy, never spend money for myself, always saving. If I would spend even 1 or 2 dollars for myself, he would make big fuss - saying in a very nasty tone 'What is IT?' Why you spend money?! Even when I was working and he didn't. Then I came across definition of controlling behaviour, and also borderline, so read - these people will MAKE sure - you will never get what you really want. And it opened my eyes. My husband exactly fits the description of borderline, if you don't know, what I mean, read on www.bpdcentral.com . I started my research a bit more than year ago. And as I remember - Dr. Irene's site was the first one - I got in :).So thanks a lot, Dr. Irene for your work. I read about verbal abuse, and was shocked - it was exactly what I am experiencing. So I started reading similar sites in the internet, finding books in the library - about depression in men, about differences in men and women, lots and lots of different books. And I slowly was 'getting up' . The most important thing I understood - that you can't expect emotional support from these people, no matter what you do, and NOT do, will please them or not. IT REALLY DOESN'T matter, so don't wait for it. IT was best thing for me to understand, because I was always thinking - if he could understand how he hurts me, he won't do it again. Unfortunately - that's wrong. I read about the cycle's of abuse, it was another good thing to understand - I saw myself there and my role too. Plus I could see, that it was not only his fault - but MINE as well, that I allow him to behave like that from the first day of our marriage. And we married for 17 years. In the first day - he yelled at me because of such nonsence(very little insignificant thing)- I was shocked. His reaction was not adequite at all. And then I read - that such people will change the first day they feel they 'own' you - mainly first day of marriage. FOR 16 years I could not understand what's going on. HOW in the same body - could live so nice and 'not so nice' person (really I should use more stronger word here, I suppose :) ). So, my suggestion, Mahjora, start by researching this problem, read postings, read books about controlling relationship etc etc, talk to Dr.Irene, and slowly you will see that house and private schools not as important, as your emotional state. Leaving, when kids are young, I would say, is much easier, than when they are older, because they would have their opinion, and usually it is - WE DONT want to be kids of divorced parents (that one the main reason, why I am still here, but I am getting ready :) ) And then you could face another dillemma - should I leave the kids with their dad , because they don't want to leave (especially if it's nice big house) and go alone (and who knows how the court will look at that - mum leaving her kids), or stay and suffer more and more! BUT...now my husband make suffer my daughter TOO MUCH. She is oldest. And just today I read in one of the postings, that usually abusive men are very hard on their wifes and oldest daughters. Now I found my way to deal with it. Is it disengaging or not - I dont know - but I stopped communicating with him. THAT is great, but unfortunately, my daughter suffers more and more. Before I was his 'rubbish bin', but now he doesn't know where to put his always negative emotions. I don't know, if I was clear or not for you. Sorry, but it's very late here now (I'm not in USA- but in another part of the world), so I will stop here. Today I read all postings for Nina, congratulations Nina, you made very important step in your life. All the best to all of us :) . Would love to know, what you think of my story. A. (sorry don't want to say my real name, and don't like to use non-real too, prob. later will sign by it) PS. English is my second language, so if something is wrong with grammar - my apologies.  Submit
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
03:58 PM

Hello All. Majhora here. Thanks for all of your posts. I appreciate it. Thanks Dr. Irene for your insight that my reactions are appropriate reactions to his inappropriate behavior. That is a wonderful insight that helps me out a lot. My hat is off to Lana, who has left with a 1.5 year old and a three year old! You are a strong woman. I keep reading about women who left and how much happier they are, and how much more at peace, and somehow, I don't feel like that will apply to me. I am so concerned about my children and how much the transition will affect them and me also. This whole process of disengaging has now become irreversible for me. I can't trick myself any more that things are going well. Whereas before, anytime he was nice to me, I was just buoyed by happiness and energy, and all the awful behavior would just simply disappear from my memory (how did that happen?), now, I just can't go back to denial. Not being able to go back to denial, however, is hurting so bad that I almost am searching for the denial to go back for some air. The loss of a possibility for a loving marriage with my two children and this husband is proving to be excruciatingly painful, even with the knowledge that this man is incapable of relationship. When will the loss stop hurting so bad? It hurts terribly. Also, I now find myself surrounded by very stark reminders of how deprived I feel: conversations with friends and coworkers who, without any knowledge of my situation, talk fondly about their wives/husbands, about how their spouse is influencing them in every way, about the importance of friendship between spouses for a loving marriage, and I just sit there and say nothing, or nod, and I want to explode and scream and say: "don't you think I know all of this??!! Don't you think I know about the importance of friendship and this and that. Don't you think that I TOO would like to talk like you do, fondly, happily, of a happy marriage, and I simply CAN'T, and it hurts so bad!!!" I am angry now because the lack is denial is bringing before me this undeniable feeling of a lengthy deprivation, and I feel it to my bones, and I am ANGRY. What do you suggest friends? What do you think Dr. Irene? When will this stop? I feel denied of a good happy marriage, something I have wanted above all else, and I don't have it, and it sucks!!!

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
09:48 AM

Hello Friends. Majhora here again. Wanted to give you all an update. It's great to have this board by the way! I went to dinner last night with a friend who has two daughters, now teenagers, who is a couple of years older than I am, and who left an abusive marriage about 7 years ago. She is truly one of the most amazing women I know, definitely one of the strongest. She is now happily re-married, shared custody of her daughters with her ex, but has her daughers most of the time. Her now husband, although not perfect (who is?), treats her with respect and dignity. She feels loved and sought after. When I told her I had not been intimate with my husband for over four months, she gasped. I told her what was going on in my life. Her reactions to my situation helped to open my eyes more. She said that every person must follow the path of their life, and not try to accommodate a model of how life should have been, and that I can choose to hold my head up high and go through a separation, and try to help my little ones through it, but at least make a change so that happiness is a possibility. I am so afraid to do this, and a part of me keeps saying: "you are making this up. Your situation is not that bad. Your husband is nice to you sometimes. See, he called you four times to day to see how you are doing. He got you gifts for your birthday. And he put a love you post it note for you in the bathroom. So what's wrong with you??" You see, there are these good things sometimes, but overall, I must say, his good behavior is unreliable and somewhat cyclical, and now, any time he is nice, I see it as a precursor to foul, angry, distancing, deprivation-oriented, down-putting behavior. I still doubt myself. I still think that maybe I am exaggerating. But my misery, loneliness, lack of trust in him, feeling that I am a nothing in his life, those feelings are real. A perfect recent example: we were going to my mother in laws the other night. I had put in the a bag for the girls, jackets for the girls and myself, and my own handbag. As we parked and were getting out of car, I took the girls out, and H was supposed to bring in everything else. I noticed my jacket and my handbag were the only things he left in hte car when he closed the car doors. I said, "please bring these in, why did you leave them in the car?" His response: "you don't need these." It is as if I do not exist. This is typical behavior from him. Before I married him, I had a dream. The dream was this: we were sitting in an SUV, and I was in the driver's seat. There was some snow and some ice outside, a winter landscape, and I was excited in the dream to drive this SUV in this snow. Yet, the car was still parked, and I remember, in the dream, my now husband had reached over and was trying to adjust my seat in terms of height and angle, and the seat just kept going up and down, and the angle would keep shifting so my legs would go up and down, and he was trying to set the seat position but as a result I could not begin to drive, and in the dream, I was wondering why the he** he was trying to adjust my seat, knowing full well that his adjustments were not working, and in this dream, I remember, I also knew that he tought he was helping, but all he was doing was interfering and stopping me from driving the SUV in the beloved snow. Is above stupid? Should I use those feelings as guides?

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
10:42 AM

Dear Majhora! How can I understand you!!! That's A. back again, I wrote my message 3 days ago. I am going through the same process for more than a year now...This IS hard, and at first I didn't know what was harder - to know about it and understand, what's happening or every time going through the same pain and confusion. But I will tell you, now it is MUCH easier to accept this and moving out of it. It starts, of course, from the realisation of the situation...This is work for the brain. I think you already start realising what it is and that here is very little chance (or no chance at all) of improving. When I read your letter, it gave me the feeling, that he is doing almost everything to make you move out or punishing you for something what you did and hurt him a lot. You know, exactly one year ago I had the same treatment from my h. But I know, what I did - and why he become like that. I did something, which I dreamed of for at least 20 years, but because of little kids and other responsibilities - I could not do. And of course, he would not WANT me to do it, and would not ALLOW me. So once I took all my strength, because I was scared of him, and went on this course. You should see him! He was not just angry, he was treatening of leaving me :) , etc etc. He made me even to apologise to him. And then he started ignoring me. The pain I went through was bigger, than any phisical pain I experienced. But, unfortunately, it was not for the first time in my life, he has done it before too. And every day, every min I was thinking - why me? why I have to go through this pain? what did I do wrong in my life to be punished like that?! I am always doing good things for the people, helping them, still living with his mum (for 17 years!!!, though he could not wait when my parents leave, when they came to us just for a visit!), spend a lot of time with my kids, I cook and bake very well, sewing, never spend either money or time just for my own sake since I married...So for the 'healing' myself I started reading, reading and reading, talked 2 times (with some gap) to the consultant, talked to trusted friend, because I already could not accomodate inside SO MUCH PAIN...Trying to make even little things independently, because I was 'made' to be very dependent in any possible way-he didn't want me even to drive - though it's very unusual here, where almost all women are driving. So slowly, slowly I was gaining self-confidence, It was like recovering from the 'sickness' of dependency, inactivity, fear, etc etc...Now I came to the point, when I accepted for myself - only I am responsible for my decisions, I should not seek his approval, and I don't care anymore, if he ignores me or not. And by not 'taking' all this everyday 'rubbish' inside, I am getting stronger and stronger. But don't rush things, everything needs time. Unfortunately, these type of people could only 'wake up' (if they 'wakeup') when their spouse leaves them. Only then they realise - what they are doing. So, my advice, don't keep it inside yourself, and learn a lot about this problem - your mind will help you to deal with it. Will be waiting for your response. Good luck. A. again.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
10:47 AM

Dear Majhora! How can I understand you!!! That's A. back again, I wrote my message 3 days ago. I am going through the same process for more than a year now...This IS hard, and at first I didn't know what was harder - to know about it and understand, what's happening or every time going through the same pain and confusion. But I will tell you, now it is MUCH easier to accept this and moving out of it. It starts, of course, from the realisation of the situation...This is work for the brain. I think you already start realising what it is and that here is very little chance (or no chance at all) of improving. When I read your letter, it gave me the feeling, that he is doing almost everything to make you move out or punishing you for something what you did and hurt him a lot. You know, exactly one year ago I had the same treatment from my h. But I know, what I did - and why he become like that. I did something, which I dreamed of for at least 20 years, but because of little kids and other responsibilities - I could not do. And of course, he would not WANT me to do it, and would not ALLOW me. So once I took all my strength, because I was scared of him, and went on this course. You should see him! He was not just angry, he was treatening of leaving me :) , etc etc. He made me even to apologise to him. And then he started ignoring me. The pain I went through was bigger, than any phisical pain I experienced. But, unfortunately, it was not for the first time in my life, he has done it before too. And every day, every min I was thinking - why me? why I have to go through this pain? what did I do wrong in my life to be punished like that?! I am always doing good things for the people, helping them, still living with his mum (for 17 years!!!, though he could not wait when my parents leave, when they came to us just for a visit!), spend a lot of time with my kids, I cook and bake very well, sewing, never spend either money or time just for my own sake since I married...So for the 'healing' myself I started reading, reading and reading, talked 2 times (with some gap) to the consultant, talked to trusted friend, because I already could not accomodate inside SO MUCH PAIN...Trying to make even little things independently, because I was 'made' to be very dependent in any possible way-he didn't want me even to drive - though it's very unusual here, where almost all women are driving. So slowly, slowly I was gaining self-confidence, It was like recovering from the 'sickness' of dependency, inactivity, fear, etc etc...Now I came to the point, when I accepted for myself - only I am responsible for my decisions, I should not seek his approval, and I don't care anymore, if he ignores me or not. And by not 'taking' all this everyday 'rubbish' inside, I am getting stronger and stronger. But don't rush things, everything needs time. Unfortunately, these type of people could only 'wake up' (if they 'wakeup') when their spouse leaves them. Only then they realise - what they are doing. So, my advice, don't keep it inside yourself, and learn a lot about this problem - your mind will help you to deal with it. Will be waiting for your response. Good luck. A. again.

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005
10:58 AM

It looks, we were writing at the same time :). When I started writing, there was only one of your post, and after- got another one, in better mood, I would say :)(that's A. here again ) Yes, Majhora, your dream just perfectly describes the life with our h's. That's NOT stupid. And isn't it amazing? your mind gave you hint even before you got into all of this...WOW!!! It was very good update, actually. A.

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Monday, October 24, 2005
12:25 PM

A red flag went up when I read the part where Majhora had gone to drop off her oldest daughter at her MIL's. She said that all the in-laws seemed to be there, and the SIL kept insisting she leave the younger child there too and just go. Could it have been a set-up by her husband so that his side of the family could take the kids from Majhora? I hope that doesn't sound too paranoid, but that's the first thing that came to mind as I read that part. ~Sherazz

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005
12:32 PM

Majhora here! Thanks A for posting! I know all about the disengaging now. It has become clear as day to me that this marriage is not a marriage and hardly ever was. I am looking at housing, and thought that if I can convince my mom to put a down payment for me somewhere and buy it in her name, I could rent it from her until I get my share of the finances, and then I could buy it from her at market price. I am trying to deal with the guilt of having my oldest be the ONLY one in her class with divorced parents, and with the clear inevitability of my STBX blaming it ALL on me. He has been telling me that I need help, that I am not well, that I am crazy, that I am IMPOSSIBLE to please, and that if I try to talk to him to let him know why I am so upset with the marriage, I am wasting my breath, in his words, as he will NEVER be convinced. My god bring the day when I see him suffer for all of the suffering that he has caused me and my children, and this without my ever having punished him. How can it be that somebody who is so blind and so selfish would not suffer in the long run. And may god bring so much love and forgiveness into my heart that when I do see him suffer, that I would feel sorry for him, not in the codependent sense, but in a human, compassionate sense. He is the textbook definition of passive aggressive. May god also give me the strenght to do this because I am planning on leaving him very soon.

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005
07:25 PM

I can understand where you are coming from? But I have moved out do to a physically violent incident, got a house, I have my own car and have our my sons with me most of the time. I am in the same predicament of not knowing what to do and being confused, that he wants me back and has gone to counselling, but he is so persistent in not giving my space, he rings me all the time, comes around all the time. But what cripples my decision making process is guilt, fear & hope, guilt that I am wrecking my boys life, guilt and fear that he will committ suicide ( he says so), hope that he will change, so I can live in a fairy tale family unit. It doesn't matter at what stage you are at, in ending the relationship, because if you are unclear on what you want to do, you will not be able to do it full heartedly. You said you need a big explosive reason to justify leaving him, like a black eye, adultery. I'm telling you there will always be a reason to stay, like he only did it once, he wont do it again, he said he's sorry. But the only way to make sure that you leave when he will provide you with justification (ie black eye) is too make yourself strong first, start with one on one counselling, reading books on verbal abuse and with the advice of your counsellor start exercising your assertiveness, you will find you will liberate yourself and when he acts like a fool, you will see it for what it really is. It is such a relief to be able to speak up and you will feel like strong inside, even if he discards it, threatens you, you would have ignited your inner flame of strentgh, self respect and your soul. Another thing is to start keeping a journal and record things that have upset you, things that make you happy and read over. This is a eye opener as it reflects your feelings and you can see it and remember it. Anyway, better not ramble on too much - All I can say is I am on the same boat as you, stuck, not sure what to do next, but I know we can make it in either decisions we make, time, counselling, reading, caring for ourselves first should lift the fog and show a clear picture. Take care & thinking of you. Freedom-my-way

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Monday, November 14, 2005
07:00 PM

Majhora, Bless your heart for sharing! I am in a similar situation. I'll bet half the women who live in my town (45K) would LOVE to have my husband as their spouse! I, on the other hand, want out of the marriage. I cannot justify it by easy means in my head, like you said it would easier if he beat me up or hit me, or did drugs - but he's polite usually, he still asks me if I want a drink when he gets up to get one, he makes alot of money and we live in a gorgeous home. His family happens to be "nice". He's "nice". BUT he doesn't show his love in an intimate way. He treats me like a sister. I had to drag him to councelling, but he didn't want to do the homework and then wanted to quit after 3 mths. I've brought so many marriage books home and he won't read them. He likes living a "surface marriage". He has kids, a nice home, a wife. I am attractive and not overweight, except for the stretch marks from one c-section (which could be fixed by surgery) yet one year we only had sex 3 times!!! and that is with him claiming he loves me to pieces and he is attracted to me! Imagine that! I personally feel that once I had children, he couldn't look at me like a woman, but only a mother. Anyway, 3 years of that has caused the intimacy in my marriage to deteriorate to brother / sister relationship. I was depressed at not being able to solve the problem however I pulled out of that quickly enough and became more inwardly spiritual (for as you know everything happens for a reason and we are in control of ourselves). So I went to a lawyer and had her draw up a separation agreement. He has been notified of this and still ignores it and won't talk about it. He plans the future like we will still be married. It's very strange. I am looking for a place to live (I sought work and finally found a job so I'd have my own money). He puts all his paycheck into a private acct. and doesn't pay the utilities unless I beg him. At least he pays the mortgage. I feel very guilty because my in-laws and my family think he's so nice and I am just complaining for nothing - or, that I should stay in the marriage anyway because "how bad could it be"? Especially with two small children. As my husband says "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO THE CHILDREN, YOU ARE BEING SO SELFISH"! Now I have to downsize and learn to live in a small yucky house probably cause it's all I can afford on my salary. He is ruining my credit by not helping to pay the big credit card bills that we used for the household but are in my name cause I had them before we were married! He says he won't give me a dime. I know my lawyer will make him, but then he says he'll quit his job just to spite me! Then the next day he pretends that nothing is wrong. I am trying to be polite and calm and in control of myself. I do feel guilty for leaving because "what if I am just a complaining unsatisfied woman"? What if my kids get hurt all for nothing? Just because I"m selfish. It's difficult to stand up for myself - to myself! I've lived even on Welfare before and been happy, and I know with my job I won't have to do this - but I will have to live with less. I just keep thinking that the kids and I will be happy together without him and I just hope he and I can parent nicely together because he's ok as a father. I DREAD having to break the news to the children, which I will do at the last minute. I have to find a house first then try to sell this one. I'm scared he'll say mean and bad things to the kids and they'll get hurt more. When I broke the news to him privately, he told the kids "mommy doesn't love me any more" and started to cry. They became worried. It was horrible. I do love him but in a brotherly way. We hardly fight because we don't talk. He'll even say, "we have to talk" and then leave me to plan it. I'm done planning it now. I am in therapy just because of the separation - it sure can't hurt. I enjoy it. I'm taking the kids once I break the news to them also. So I feel guilty and then determined and then guilty again. I think that maybe I could "stay cause of the kids" in case I'm wrong - sometimes. Then I come to my senses. My brother said to me: If you could snap your fingers and have all the details taken care of and not have to go thru all the painful planning and painful moving out, etc. would I want that? My answer was YES. So then he says, I should continue to separate since my answer was yes. On the other hand, I wish that my husband could change in the blink of an eye and that I could have a happy marriage but that is only a dream. It cannot happen because he is not willing to get into therapy or do anything to "fix" the marriage. Too bad. Divorce can be painful. I found that the email support of my great girlfriends is invaluable. It helps me be strong. Then I think, so many women get separated - it doesn't mean my kids will turn out to be criminals! (that's what he thinks). Overall, I know in my gut i am doing the right thing by separating. It's just that I have to be very brave all the time and praying helps this because God will not let me live on the street would He? I am sooooooo scared and sometimes I cry because of it. It's very hard. Stay strong sister.....

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Friday, November 18, 2005
06:22 AM

I was there...exactly where you are. Waiting for a very good "no questions" reason so that my kids would never ever feel that I was being selfish, or he could not use it against me... Well, guess what... my very, very, very, very, good reason that my kids nor my ex could ever use in some strange defense or attack was this: I am a human being who is entitled and deserving of love and care. That is the reason. My daughter needed to see that loving yourself is much better than not loving yourself. period. It has been four years now since I've left with the kids and they are much happier than they were. It is more obvious now how much it was affecting them too. They were sad too. I did not think that then, but there is laughter in my home. That was absent before... just did not notice. There is music playing ... jokes... and friends coming over. It is a home. I was too close to the picture in front of me. Put a picture directly in front of your eyes...you won't see it very clearly. Now pull it back some and then some more... voila...you will get a better focus on your life and those you love and and sharper vision for your bright future. much love shanell

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Friday, November 18, 2005
06:24 AM

I was there...exactly where you are. Waiting for a very good "no questions" reason so that my kids would never ever feel that I was being selfish, or he could not use it against me... Well, guess what... my very, very, very, very, good reason that my kids nor my ex could ever use in some strange defense or attack was this: I am a human being who is entitled and deserving of love and care. That is the reason. My daughter needed to see that loving yourself is much better than not loving yourself. period. It has been four years now since I've left with the kids and they are much happier than they were. It is more obvious now how much it was affecting them too. They were sad too. I did not think that then, but there is laughter in my home. That was absent before... just did not notice. There is music playing ... jokes... and friends coming over. It is a home. I was too close to the picture in front of me. Put a picture directly in front of your eyes...you won't see it very clearly. Now pull it back some and then some more... voila...you will get a better focus on your life and those you love and and sharper vision for your bright future. much love shanell

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Friday, November 18, 2005
06:24 AM

I was there...exactly where you are. Waiting for a very good "no questions" reason so that my kids would never ever feel that I was being selfish, or he could not use it against me... Well, guess what... my very, very, very, very, good reason that my kids nor my ex could ever use in some strange defense or attack was this: I am a human being who is entitled and deserving of love and care. That is the reason. My daughter needed to see that loving yourself is much better than not loving yourself. period. It has been four years now since I've left with the kids and they are much happier than they were. It is more obvious now how much it was affecting them too. They were sad too. I did not think that then, but there is laughter in my home. That was absent before... just did not notice. There is music playing ... jokes... and friends coming over. It is a home. I was too close to the picture in front of me. Put a picture directly in front of your eyes...you won't see it very clearly. Now pull it back some and then some more... voila...you will get a better focus on your life and those you love and and sharper vision for your bright future. much love shanell

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Friday, November 18, 2005
01:18 PM

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Sunday, November 27, 2005
10:30 PM

Hello, I am new to this board. I am 42, been married 14 years to a military man. He never showed his true colors until we were married about a month. He calls me "bitch" and "trailer park trash" and anything he can think of to say to hurt me when he is mad. It has been getting worse and worse the past year. The tone of voice he has is so terrible. He has only hit me once and I turned him in and he had to take "anger management" classes, which did absolutely no good. He goes through phases where he is nice and mean. He is annoyed by everything I do sometimes. Weekends are the worst. I guess I stay because he doesnt cheat on me, he is a good father to our only child, 13 years old son, he works and pays the bills. I guess I tell myself there are a lot of men a lot worse than him and thats why i stay. I was with worse before him. Today his cruel comments came after he was trying to watch a tv show and I was talking to him. It amazes me how fast he goes from normal to furious! In about 5 seconds! I left the house and cried all day. I drove around and cried. Im 42 and have given him 14 years of my life. We have a nice lifestyle but we are not rich. I dont know what to do. We hardly ever have sex. Ive gained 70 pounds in 14 years. And I still look okay. Im clean and neat and he never critisizes my weight. I am like these other women who always doubt their feelings. Isnt that sad? I watch Dr. Phil and Im learning that I have a right to my feelings. I just never wanted to be single at this age. I had lots of men interested in me when I was younger and slimmer. Now none. Part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to get back into shape and save money up secretly and then find someone to love before I leave him. I am pretty tough most days and can handle it. Although I cry a lot. But today for some reason it really hurt me bad. I guess I was happy because it had been thanksgiving and I was off my gaurd and didnt expect it. How pathetic is that. I started video taping myself talking to the video camera every time he hurts me. Ive only done it 3 times so far in 2 weeks. But Im trying to catch it on video while hes screaming at me and name calling. I guess I want him to see how bad he looks. Why do I just want him to see what hes doing and stop? It sounds so pathetic when I write that. But thats how I feel. I want the man I married to be kind and loving and tender and hes not! Hes a jerk most days. Why? I feel like a dog who isnt wanted and hes trying his best to make me leave and Im just getting abused and wont leave. Like a pathetic dog. I guess I dont know what to do. I think my plan of loosing wieght and saving money up and getting a plan and then leaving when Im prepared is the best thing to do. I cant just leave now. I dont have any family to help me. Im a military wife in a town where I dont know anyone. I just wish I had never of married him. I had a great guy I left for him. And now I regret it so much sometimes. I just feel lost. Im new to this Verbal Abuse info, Just found it on the internet the past few weeks. Thanks for any hep you can give me. Dixie in Texas

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Sunday, November 27, 2005
10:32 PM

Hello, I am new to this board. I am 42, been married 14 years to a military man. He never showed his true colors until we were married about a month. He calls me "bitch" and "trailer park trash" and anything he can think of to say to hurt me when he is mad. It has been getting worse and worse the past year. The tone of voice he has is so terrible. He has only hit me once and I turned him in and he had to take "anger management" classes, which did absolutely no good. He goes through phases where he is nice and mean. He is annoyed by everything I do sometimes. Weekends are the worst. I guess I stay because he doesnt cheat on me, he is a good father to our only child, 13 years old son, he works and pays the bills. I guess I tell myself there are a lot of men a lot worse than him and thats why i stay. I was with worse before him. Today his cruel comments came after he was trying to watch a tv show and I was talking to him. It amazes me how fast he goes from normal to furious! In about 5 seconds! I left the house and cried all day. I drove around and cried. Im 42 and have given him 14 years of my life. We have a nice lifestyle but we are not rich. I dont know what to do. We hardly ever have sex. Ive gained 70 pounds in 14 years. And I still look okay. Im clean and neat and he never critisizes my weight. I am like these other women who always doubt their feelings. Isnt that sad? I watch Dr. Phil and Im learning that I have a right to my feelings. I just never wanted to be single at this age. I had lots of men interested in me when I was younger and slimmer. Now none. Part of me wants to leave and part of me wants to get back into shape and save money up secretly and then find someone to love before I leave him. I am pretty tough most days and can handle it. Although I cry a lot. But today for some reason it really hurt me bad. I guess I was happy because it had been thanksgiving and I was off my gaurd and didnt expect it. How pathetic is that. I started video taping myself talking to the video camera every time he hurts me. Ive only done it 3 times so far in 2 weeks. But Im trying to catch it on video while hes screaming at me and name calling. I guess I want him to see how bad he looks. Why do I just want him to see what hes doing and stop? It sounds so pathetic when I write that. But thats how I feel. I want the man I married to be kind and loving and tender and hes not! Hes a jerk most days. Why? I feel like a dog who isnt wanted and hes trying his best to make me leave and Im just getting abused and wont leave. Like a pathetic dog. I guess I dont know what to do. I think my plan of loosing wieght and saving money up and getting a plan and then leaving when Im prepared is the best thing to do. I cant just leave now. I dont have any family to help me. Im a military wife in a town where I dont know anyone. I just wish I had never of married him. I had a great guy I left for him. And now I regret it so much sometimes. I just feel lost. Im new to this Verbal Abuse info, Just found it on the internet the past few weeks. Thanks for any hep you can give me. Dixie in Texas

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Sunday, November 27, 2005
10:35 PM

Hello! I really related to a lot of the posts, so decided to share a little of my story as well! My marriage has always been a little rocky - I was married at 19, pregnant, etc! My husband and I initially struggled financially in the beginning and finally, it seemed, got really good jobs and had the home, cars, etc - everything I thought i needed to be happy and content. Everything started to change back in 2000. My husband was diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder - possible shizoaffective and was having an affair. I found out that I really didn't know my husband like I thought I did. He was from a rich family (that by the way never talked about or recognized his illness!) and was very polished and good looking on the outside. Prior to finding out about his affair - I was completely in love with him. I did the laundry, bills, basically everything you do to keep a home functioning - but I didn't mind because I wanted to make my husband happy. He went into treatment for his illness and desperately didn't want me to divorce him. After a brief separation - I got back together with him - mostly because of the kids - but I still did love him - but was very, very hurt and angry. Things never really improved for us, he was very heavily medicated and he never really acted like he was happy to be with me. He was always nice to me - and did want to be intimate with me and do things together, its just that he never filled me up emotionally. It just seemed like after he betrayed me - I was so devastated that I could never really find the desire to make him happy like I tried before. I also began to realize that I needed things as well. I threw myself into my kids and my career and became very distanced from him. About two years ago now, I ended up having an affair. This was mostly due to the lack of emotional support that I received from my husband. I didn't think my husband would even care that I had an affair - but he was ENRAGED at me! After the initial shock of my affair, he started trying to do anything and everything to gain my affections back. At that time, I was not interested as I was getting that emotional support elsewhere. This has gone on for 2 years - and I am still not divorced. My husband filed, but has not pursued the divorce and is making me become the aggressor. This has been an awful situation for me to get into! My husband has charmed everyone we know and since we moved after his last affair and illness so he could avoid dealing with people who know on a daily basis, all the people who know us now think that I am an evil cheater and have destroyed our family! I have lost most of my friends, and I have never gotten much support from my parents - so there are many times I feel very alone. We are sharing custody of the kids at this time, so when they are away from me - I really struggle. As for the relationship I'm in now, I have taken a step back - it scares me to get into a new relationship when I have so many loose ends with my husband! I guess the point I'm trying to make here is, I filed for divorce 5 years ago and didn't go through with it because of my kids. I ended up seeking an emotional relationship before I properly ended my marriage. We are all vulnerable and have emotional needs - and once you get that after being deprived for so long - its almost like a drug - and VERY hard to give up. It also blinds you to the real reasons that you are seeking your freedom. If you know your situation is hopeless and you feel like you've tried everything you can to save your marriage, please continue to be strong and get yourself into a better place. You will be so much better off for doing this - plus you will be so amazed at how much strength you really do possess! I wish you the best of luck with everything! Hang in there!!! -Sue

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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
09:27 PM

Majhora, reading this was like reading something i would have written. I actually after years of disappointment, started an affair. This affair has been going on for almost a year now, and I am still dealing with indecision, self doubt, and plagued with even more guilt. We finally shut each other out for so long that we each just went our own ways and I was always looking for him to do something wrong. I thought I would feel better, blaming everything on him, so that i may leave with my two kids. I feel worse. I cant decide whether I need him back, which he says he wants; or leave my lover, which is amazing and respectful, and loving, and nurturing, and so on.... I am having a hard time deciding what to do, some how can't get away with the fact that he can take care of me financially, and can't leave my lover that takes care of all the other needs. (And also the fact of his kids want us together, but I feel like I am setting a horrible example for my daughter.) I think also I am just drawn to him for some wierd reasons I can't explain. Can't seem to let go of the fact that maybe if I weren't messed up in the first place, he would be the man I have wanted. I also wonder if with faith, things can be healed.... don't know. Very sad and miserable and confused. I felt like I was listening to my instincts, but know just overwhelmed with self doubt, loneliness, sadness for my children, and guilt for not having worked on marriage enough. Do all you can to fight for your marriage- then feel free to listen to your heart and have faith in your abilities as a woman and mother to move forward and find happiness. Best of luck to you.

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Tuesday, December 06, 2005
09:29 PM

Majhora, reading this was like reading something i would have written. I actually after years of disappointment, started an affair. This affair has been going on for almost a year now, and I am still dealing with indecision, self doubt, and plagued with even more guilt. We finally shut each other out for so long that we each just went our own ways and I was always looking for him to do something wrong. I thought I would feel better, blaming everything on him, so that i may leave with my two kids. I feel worse. I cant decide whether I need him back, which he says he wants; or leave my lover, which is amazing and respectful, and loving, and nurturing, and so on.... I am having a hard time deciding what to do, some how can't get away with the fact that he can take care of me financially, and can't leave my lover that takes care of all the other needs. (And also the fact of his kids want us together, but I feel like I am setting a horrible example for my daughter.) I think also I am just drawn to him for some wierd reasons I can't explain. Can't seem to let go of the fact that maybe if I weren't messed up in the first place, he would be the man I have wanted. I also wonder if with faith, things can be healed.... don't know. Very sad and miserable and confused. I felt like I was listening to my instincts, but know just overwhelmed with self doubt, loneliness, sadness for my children, and guilt for not having worked on marriage enough. Do all you can to fight for your marriage- then feel free to listen to your heart and have faith in your abilities as a woman and mother to move forward and find happiness. Best of luck to you.

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Wednesday, December 07, 2005
09:40 AM

Majhora, reading this was like reading something i would have written. I actually after years of disappointment, started an affair. This affair has been going on for almost a year now, and I am still dealing with indecision, self doubt, and plagued with even more guilt. We finally shut each other out for so long that we each just went our own ways and I was always looking for him to do something wrong. I thought I would feel better, blaming everything on him, so that i may leave with my two kids. I feel worse. I cant decide whether I need him back, which he says he wants; or leave my lover, which is amazing and respectful, and loving, and nurturing, and so on.... I am having a hard time deciding what to do, some how can't get away with the fact that he can take care of me financially, and can't leave my lover that takes care of all the other needs. (And also the fact of his kids want us together, but I feel like I am setting a horrible example for my daughter.) I think also I am just drawn to him for some wierd reasons I can't explain. Can't seem to let go of the fact that maybe if I weren't messed up in the first place, he would be the man I have wanted. I also wonder if with faith, things can be healed.... don't know. Very sad and miserable and confused. I felt like I was listening to my instincts, but know just overwhelmed with self doubt, loneliness, sadness for my children, and guilt for not having worked on marriage enough. Do all you can to fight for your marriage- then feel free to listen to your heart and have faith in your abilities as a woman and mother to move forward and find happiness. Best of luck to you.

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Monday, December 26, 2005
09:12 AM

hey its a personal comment. whether u like it or not. u r a doctor for whtever. but why u think some one is so down or possessed with something. dont knw abt u whether u r possessed with something or not.

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Saturday, December 31, 2005
09:50 AM

Majhora, I understand how you feel. I, too, was in a relationship with 2 children where I was not happy and verbally abused. I had a very nice lifestyle and I knew that if I changed I would live in a more modest area. I took this challenge and I am extremely happy. It is not easy, but now I feel free and more confident of myself. This makes up for any material possessions. Also, I noticed as time passed, I could look back objectively at my situation and realize what torture and insanity I was going through. I will never return to the "golden cage" again. Please understand that you are creating a very dysfunctional situation for your children if you stay. They notice how you are being treated and will probably treat you in the same way or others. Living in more modest means has never hurt children. Before I took this challenge, I went to a therapist that helped me discover what I wanted to do. It was the best thing for me. Also, I would recommend when you get out of this relationship, that you continue seeing a therapist or you may end up in another disasterous relationship. You need to have the strength to do this, and when your children are older they will thank you. They will not understand at first, so you need to be their strength because you have the caring and wonderful qualities they need. I am presently going through a divorce, but even if it is just the beginning, I feel already saved. Good Luck!! Julia my e-mail address is: jules12569@yahoo.com

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Saturday, December 31, 2005
10:11 AM

Majhora, I understand how you feel. I, too, was in a relationship with 2 children where I was not happy and verbally abused. I had a very nice lifestyle and I knew that if I changed I would live in a more modest area. I took this challenge and I am extremely happy. It is not easy, but now I feel free and more confident of myself. This makes up for any material possessions. Also, I noticed as time passed, I could look back objectively at my situation and realize what torture and insanity I was going through. I will never return to the "golden cage" again. Please understand that you are creating a very dysfunctional situation for your children if you stay. They notice how you are being treated and will probably treat you in the same way or others. Living in more modest means has never hurt children. Before I took this challenge, I went to a therapist that helped me discover what I wanted to do. It was the best thing for me. Also, I would recommend when you get out of this relationship, that you continue seeing a therapist or you may end up in another disasterous relationship. You need to have the strength to do this, and when your children are older they will thank you. They will not understand at first, so you need to be their strength because you have the caring and wonderful qualities they need. I am presently going through a divorce, but even if it is just the beginning, I feel already saved. Good Luck!! Julia my e-mail address is: jules12569@yahoo.com

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Saturday, January 07, 2006
12:13 PM

IMO, his sister was protecting your H when she told you to leave without your child. I'm willing to be that HAD you just TAKEN your child with you, HE would've come to his sister's defense regarding the matter. She was COVERING for him. I have NO idea what he was up to but his sis was definitely shielding him. He had SOMETHING planned. I truly believe they were in cahoots to get you out of the way. Your children are still young. NOW is the time to get out WITH your kids. He *has a life* but it DOESN'T include YOU. Divorce him. Get a good lawyer and sue for as much as you can possibly get out of him so you can START OVER. He can't be trusted. Without trust, there is NO marriage. Tallulah