Comments for Narcissist, The Abuser
Material posted
here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a
substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos
Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for
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B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 28, 2001
S1
The last paragraph, while uncomfortable to read, is really true! J.
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, March 29, 2001
S1
I have a question.
I split with my narcissistic abuser over 6 months ago. However, I filed a lawsuit against him to regain the over$16,000. he still owes me. This situation has wiped out my savings and I will go into debt by going to trial.
I am persuing this for 2 reasons: 1. It is my money that I earned and he promised to pay back 3 years ago. 2. I have to stand up to his abuse in a public way. I have stood up to him by not allowing him to have contact with me, but this is a different level.
Do youi feel it is worth pulling in the abuse element by hiring an expert witness - Someone who could tie the abuse and money issue together? This has clearly been a source of his abuse over the past 4 1/2 years and may be his way of abusing from afar. He even said he formed his counter-claim, not based on fact, but to hurt me and have revenge for the stress I caused him by filing the suit.
I would be glad for your input.
Thanks, SK
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, April 01, 2001
S1
If terrorists threatened to take away your children, what would you do? (Every day this is sanctioned by a patriarchal court system, so that every time the truth is spoken, it is used against you i.e. he is abusive=vindictive and/or liar, he is hurting the children=blaming and/or liar, he is not a good parent=prove how you are a perfect parent, he is abusive=she is crazy for making such accusations.) Believe me when I say: a strong emotion such as hatred is not allowed to be displayed publicly by a woman who must fight for her children, she must be virtuous, loving, docile, and without too much sense of the injustice of her situation (because if she thought about it, then she really would go off the deep end, thus ironically validating her ab*ser's accusations). Believe me when I say: leaving is just the beginning of the abuse in a system which facilitates male modes of communication and denigrates motherhood. Those people who influence public oppinion need to be aware of all the very real beliefs and factors influencing a woman's need to mitigate her own "private holocaust". Mitigating damage to children can hardly be called "immoral."
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, April 01, 2001
S1
Great eye-opening and truthful article. I am so happy that this author speaks the truth - because, after all, the truth sets us free.
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 13, 2001
S1
You speak in the masculine, as if there were none of us men who suffer the same abuse at the hands of the feminine.
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 14, 2001
S1
Thanks
I now see clearly the two side's. I used to think he was like a little baby, that needed me, needed saving. It's time to get mad now, and I am still seeing him as the victim.
I want to know how to release the anger, I write and speak to my friends and read and go to meetings. I still have a fantasy that he can be the man I thourght he was going to be, and I now he can't be because that didnt exst?
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, August 02, 2001
S1
can you please give a definition of a narcissist?-is there a different definition for males and a seperate definition for females?
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 21, 2001
S1
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 08, 2001
S1
am in a relationship with a narcissist. he is married and I am addicted to to him totally. no matter how i try and withdraw or give him up he always manages to win me back by just turning on just enough charm to keep me close. how can i break free of this situation
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 24, 2002
S1
This is a most wonderful site. Thank you, thank you very much.
Kathy McKinney
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, June 08, 2002
S1
You've glossed over or perhaps you're unaware of an important fact: that Sam Vaknin is himself a narcissist. Why anyone reads, much less believes, anything this guy has to say is a complete mystery to me. He's not trying to help people; that's not what a narcissist does. Then you have to ask what he's doing online, yakkin' away about narcissism, instead of out advising governments like his curriculum vitae says. He's the same unspeakable thing that brought all these visitors to your site, building a cult for himself on the web, where it's easy pickin's. I think it's very irresponsible of this site to put his writings up without a boldfaced disclaimer that says he's a narcissist and cautions people about contacting him.
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 22, 2002
S1
The last paragraph speaks truly from a narcissist's perspective. It's the victim's fault. People on the receiving end get hurt because of all those human characteristics - empathy, compassion, naivete, not being raised by perfect parents who knew all the rules, not having enough self-esteem to tell the person they thought they knew, Hey, I think you're lying to me. It's exactly what my abuser did (who happens to be a psychologist). It's the same as blaming the rape victim for wearing a short skirt. Look at what you did to deserve it, they tell you. But, look how narcissists run and hide when confronted. Now that's empowering.
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 22, 2002
S1
The last paragraph speaks truly from a narcissist's perspective. It's the victim's fault. People on the receiving end get hurt because of all those human characteristics - empathy, compassion, naivete, not being raised by perfect parents who knew all the rules, not having enough self-esteem to tell the person they thought they knew, Hey, I think you're lying to me. It's exactly what my abuser did (who happens to be a psychologist). It's the same as blaming the rape victim for wearing a short skirt. Look at what you did to deserve it, they tell you. But, look how narcissists run and hide when confronted. Now that's empowering.
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, December 28, 2002
S1
Oh my God ........this all sounds so familiar..... My husband torments me with the fact that all the women n his work place 'fancy' him .......... when I tell him that it is his job to create proper boundaries between him and them so that they realise he is 'married' and that their advances are not approriate or welcome ..he tells me that he 'needs' their attentions ..... and that I need to get a grip of my insecurities .....he recently confessed that he has used our marriage problems as a 'hook' to encourage sympathy from these women at work ...who just can't believe that his wife could 'treat him so terribly' because he is so charming and so handsome........ he used to be charming to me until he found this huge source of 'ego stroking' from the female workforce........... in fact when I look back I can see that he has deliberately segretated me from his personal 'ego strokers' ..creating barriers between me and his friends and family unitl I am hated by all of them and find their company so painful that I want nothing to do with them ........ all designed to keep him in a place where ONLY HE gets the 'stroking' and I get the kicking........ the past 8 years of our marriage have been hell for me, as I read every self help book I could get my hands on....and attending courses in counselling ..trying to find the key that would unlock the 'beautiful, loving man I fell in love with' ......... but he was never interested in 'fixing' our relationship ............ I guess he wouldn't be ........ as he was only pretending to be 'everything I ever neeeded in a man' for as long as it took to get me hooked ......... the bad stuff started happening withing weeks of our marriage...... It has been a hell .......... a writhing confusing mass of pain............. and how did he keep me in here????? Why am I still in here????? Is it because my own self love is so low that I would accept an imitation as the real thing from him and give everything I had in return for nothing much at all?????? I think the answer is yes.
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, January 12, 2003
S1
I really like this article - I have been trying to recover from an abusive relationship for a year and a half now and everyone keeps telling me I shouldn't be angry at my ex, I should forgive and move on. I realize when I read this that I actually do hate him, the stuff he did was pretty heinous. If anyone tells me again I shouldn't hate him, I should just let go, then I will remember this, and this will help! Thank-you!
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, March 17, 2003
S1
My narcissist was a classic case and fortunately I got away relatively quickly (thankfully he lives 3000 miles away). Some signs from mine were constant need to flirt with women, especially waitresses. When I complained about his meanness or ill treatment emotionally of me he said "Well you should be grateful. Because I give you any attention at all. If I don't like someone I don't deal with them at all." HUH? So he's out there ladies in Los Angeles and watch out coz he is one smooth customer. Erika "Got Away in New Orleans"
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, April 26, 2003
S1
ok, you say narcissists are asexual. but, i bet you really are dying to be charmed. and i bet you have been. and i bet you've had great sex. and good love. and i bet you'd like to have more of all these things. but, these things don't last-at least intensly. I think its that way for everyone. sorry to burst your uniquness bubble. no matter how we rationalize it, we all just have to wait and enjoy the small in-betweens.
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 30, 2003
S1
I recently got rid of a narcissit from my life. The way I dealt with this narcissist was by standing up to them. They always try to attack me by belittling the people I associate myself with or who other family members associate themselves with outside the family to try to turn me against those family members. At first they would force unwanted attention on me by deliberately humiliating me in public and playing the victim when I told them I did not like it, then continued to complain about the friends of other family members to try to turn me against having friends. When I stood up for the people they were criticising they did not like this one bit and wouldn't talk to me after that. This narcissist new about a former narcissist in my life and would try to force me into dependency onto that narcissist by saying that the former was not fair to me but would try to guilt trip me by talking about the 'hopes' that the narcissist had for me (which were actually for themself) when they could tell that it wasn't working, they did a 180 and said that the former narcissist was so charismatic and went on to say that they could charm a maggot out of a peice of meat but then went out to point out everything wrong with the narcissist and belittled their sources of narcissistic supply and played the victim. My narcissistic grandmother went on to say that my brother should not be allowed to have friends outside the family because they would just go their seperate ways after graduation and tried to ruin his graduation party by saying that mine was my mother's, not mine and criticized that my grandmother (herself) was not allowed to make all of the plans and my mother's friends who helped even though my mother was sick and not able to do it all herself, and criticized how hideous she thought the cake looked. At my brother's party I didn't say a word to her other than hi. When I was talking to my stepmother, stepsister and other people at the party she would periodically glare in my direction then act passive-agressively and go back to what she was doing. When I was at her house for mother's day told me to go down in the kitchen and get a duffel bag from the kitchen. when i bought it upstairs she asked me if I wanted it. When I said that I couldn't use it and that I didn't have anything that would fit in it, she said 'I bought it and I can't use it because I only wanted one thing that came with the set now what am I supposed to do with it now I'm out of (certain amount of money) when I told her that I had just organized my whole house and got rid of all of the extra stuff and I didn't need anything right now she named every other person and the occassion when they wouldn't take something from her and complained about the cost of buying something and not being able to use it and then said 'well I guess I can give it to so and so do you think so and so would use this' when I said I didn't know she really got annoyed. Other relatives also comment that she tries to force them to take stuff or thinks that by giving people things and looking for excuses for them to use them is her wya of keeping people dependent on her or admiring herself.