Comments for Abandoning the Narcissist
Material posted
here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a
substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos
Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for
non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For
commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 21, 2001
S1
How do you Know you are a narcist or wether your partner is. There are a lot of things I recognize, either in myself or my partner. I do fear abndonment, I I do think that maybe I brought it about myself, if not willingly. I have a lot of envy for poeple, I fear being close because others might hurt me. Same goes for my partner. I do not trust people. reading these things really makes me wonder. So how do you know, and knowing is there anything that you can do. I do not want my 9ex0partner to be happy with someone else. i want him to be happy with me. I feel I do need constant approval, but don't peoplepleasing codependents want that too? I do want to control, but that seems to go for a lot of codependetsn too. I tought I was being codependent. Maybe i am just a narcist who wrecked the lice of ,y partner so that's why he left. How do I know?
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, March 24, 2001
S1
What about narcissistic friends? I have learned so much from this site, but have not seen much regarding friendships.Recently I have been on a roller coaster ride with a woman who fits the profile. When I complained that she used my name and unlisted phone number without my consent-she wrote me a horrendous disturbing e-mail-calling me " narcissistic, blaming,insane, sick, evil, I won't be your punching bag, I won't stick around to be abused by you, You and your family are sick-do yourself a favor get therapy-you owe me an apology-don't ever speak to me again. God is on my side" Her rage frightens me. Thanks for listening, Nell
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Date: Wednesday, March 28, 2001
S1
I had so many ah-ha's I lost count. This is the bastard that I just set myself free from...I've let go..I've made a decision to rid my life of the ever present negativity. Today at work, a co-worker said, "you're as sunny as your hair"...I feel free..I pushed the stop button on all the insanely cruel comments that have been made to me over the last 6 months. He is also alcoholic...oh what a toxic combination. Thank God the sex sucked...(whiskey, low self-esteem whatever penis)it would be harder to walk away if he had been able to become and stay hard. Anyway, what you wrote was very insightful and helpful to me..it echoed sanity and I needed that tonight so very much. Just to know that other women, obviously brillant (you) have (seemingly) had a personal experience similiar to my own it quite comforting...thank you thank you thank you :) Mary
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Date: Friday, March 30, 2001
S1
This is such good stuff. I thank you so very much for doing this. I am a peer counselor and have been for over ten years now. No, I didn't get a degree, just life's experiences. I do alot of reading and seem to have the gift for conceptual teaching. At any rate, this is a wonderful tool for me. Would like to give you a little gift....(smile) I think you will enjoy it. I write a great deal myself and this is a little something from me to you as a "thank you".
The Great Conversation
by Pamela Leigh
Communication is by nature, simply a river that flows. If it does not flow, it is not a river. It is a stagnant pond where all things which support life dies and all things that are contrary to life abound and flourish consuming everything within. A damned up body of water eventually implodes and does so - with - our permission.
A body of water, which has only one way outlet through which the water is poured out, will eventually empty itself. A body of water that only takes in water without an outlet, will eventually overflow it's banks and other outlying boundaries.
The essence of the word "flow" is characterized by an open channel with boundaries, balance and harmony. This cannot be accomplished by any other road, than by self-knowledge and acceptance, and by the discovery that we are in need of an outside force that is greater than ourselves. We are the open-ended vessels through which life passes "through us." This surge of power, most often - redefines our boundaries, balancing the harmony that was there - in the raw.
The art of communication begins with a discussion that transpires with our Ego and our Spirit. The Ego, who is the hunter and the gatherer, talks to the Spirit, who tends the fires of the heart and plays the music of all inspiration. This courtship must clear the floor of all else that supposedly matters. Because all else, will never matter, if this sacred union is not completed.
We have needs in our ego state of being. Our stomachs growl, our muscles flex and we bound with energy to conquer and dominate. We are quick with our intelligence and the pride that soon follows. We see what we want in yonder clearing and we reach out and take it, while our spirit watches from a distant window in a very lonely abode. She sings but is seldom heard, because the object of her affection is so very fascinated with himself. Time speeds ahead and warns of impending doom, but Ego brushes it aside, having no real respect for time. It is not a welcome visitor in the realms of all that is young and fresh.
Such is the state of a body of water that is slowly being cut off from the inlet and the outlet. All seems peaceful and the reflection of vanity becomes increasingly clearer in these stilled waters. This pleases Ego and he is seduced by the reflection of his own power and might, hardly noticing the death that is happening just below the surface.
Ego fishes for food here and notices that the food supply is steadily dwindling. He also finds that the fish are becoming marked with disease and the water for drinking is getting cloudy and filled with particles. But, Ego becomes entranced with his own image once again, because now the pool of water has become deathly still and his reflection is that of a perfect mirror.
Not only can he see his reflection rightly, but he can also see the stillness of life beyond the surface. In fact, stillness is all around him. What used to be a flurry of activity around this life-giving river, now turned pond, has shifted away to other places and Ego is consumed with his inner aloneness. He now hates his own reflection and true implosion has its grip around his throat. What he has worshiped has not fulfilled him and he blames himself and his lack of power and strength.
In the distance he hears a familiar voice, which he hasn't heard in a very long time. Spirit is singing a song Ego remembers well and such music turns bitter to his ears the minute that he hears it because he is so very parched inside. The beauty of its clarity actually wounds him. He did not, until this moment, realize that the reflection was true indeed, because he is the pond. Now as he lay feeling the life ooze out of him, he falls into a dreamlike state and remembers seeing - the road not taken. He sees the face of Spirit and he recognizes his need of her, his need to be fully connected, to become One. He deeply wishes that he could turn back the hands of time, the friend that tried to speak to him before and he turned away. For the very first time - he hears because he is........listening.
In one second of time, he learned more, than all his yesterdays or all his tomorrows. It takes a little bit of dying in order to realize that you can truly... live in the moment you are in. Ego makes his way home to the fires where Spirit is waiting. He crawls into the door and lays limp upon the floor and for the first time ever, he doesn't feel embarrassed that he has little strength or power left. He has realized that he has needs that cannot be fulfilled if he is split into two separate halves that do not know or honor one another. He also realizes that he is not the sustainer of life. He is the keeper of the vessel. Life now opens itself up to dimensions never before realized. The Great Conversation begins and the river begins to flow.........
If you'd like to make a comment back to me, feel free to write me at cyclonebaby@yahoo.com
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, April 01, 2001
S1
AAAAARGH???? Now I get the picture. jay
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001
S1
I read the above poem and I felt that it describes the narcissist personality very well, their obcession with themselves and everything revolving around them. However, the ending, to me, was not an outcome for a true narcissist. They would never come to the realization of what they are and change to finally value someone other than themselves. They are too self centered to feel the despair of hurting the one who loves them the most. They would never be involved in a true,two sided conversation, that could flow both ways. They are stagnant. They need someone else to be paddeling constantly and moving the waters for them. They are hollow inside. Karyn Karyn
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001
S1
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Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001
S1
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Date: Thursday, April 05, 2001
S1
this article has been so helpful, I have visited the sight where this came from, I have read it from begining to end, and every now and then when I start to miss him, or he is trying to suck me into feeling sorry for him, I come back and read it again, and remember all the bad stuff he did to me and the kids. I will NEVER go back, it has been almost a year, and amazing things have happened since he's been gone, the main thing is PEACE. I am learning to enjoy the quietness, to appreciate the small things again, back then life was so messy, I couldn't enjoy anything. The birth of my daughter was very traumatic, he walked out of the delivery room five minutes after she was born to hurt me, he wouldn't pick me up from the hospital, he ignored the baby for almost 7 months. She is almost two and I don't CARE if and when he wants to see her, it's a shame but I've learned to not force her on him, she will be fine without him, we will fill the gap with other wonderful people instead. Thank you very much for posting this, it REALLY helped me to get to the point that I knew he wasn't going to change, and just start over with a GOOD life. I think he's aware of the changes in me as well, he has noticed I don't care about his new tattoo or his streaks in his hair, or about how much fun he had out partying the night before. He drops around about once a week to see the baby and to show off, which I have learned to ignore as well. All in all, life is going great now that he's out of it, and we will all heal, and we will move on, without someone trying to destroy everything. Lovely book.....Nicole
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, April 06, 2001
S1
I have been reading each section and realized that I just ended a relationship with a narcissist. I was so devastated. Now after reading your information I realize how this person functions and I can go on with my life and not feel bad anymore. I am so glad I came upon your website.
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 15, 2001
S1
This is the man I have just left, totally 100%. I am feeling very confused, when I met him I was successful and felt attractive (although self esteam has really always been an issue) 2 years later I feel drained washed out ugly and very depressed.
It is begining to make sence to me now, although I need to develop more anger. I did everything and lived in fear of his temper all the time, subtley he underminded my confidence, and as I got weaker he did it more. At first he made me feel worshipped and adored, so special. I didnt even notice the change, it started with an outburst over getting lost in a car - which of course I had to drive as he had a DUI. The reaction was so over the top that I was in shock. Then somehow justified it. Somehow I also managed to ignore the fact that he had been to prison for spousal abuse, when he told me, of course she was a lunatic, not like me......He was not possessive particularly, on the surface,thats what he always told me anyway, he sometimes told me to go out. However, he could just blow up when I did spend time with them, so I spent less and less time with them. He would also explode, over men, that I hadnt even noticed. I just want to make the point that what they say and what they actually do are two different things. Don't listen, its all lies.
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 16, 2001
S1
Any tips for bringing out the Anger. I am concerned that I should feel really angry and I only feel it if I make myself look at specific things he did.
It's like the two sides to his personality, I hate the abuser, and love the dependent (it feel's like that part is a child and he doesnt know about the pain he has caused me). I can create anger if I focus on events. But should I just feel anger?
Any tip's please post
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, June 03, 2001
S1
This writing is only brilliant!!! It is, in fact, a lyrical prose, a fabulous description to which I will need to return again, because I believe it strikes as close to the truth as possible for words, and because I will come to a better understanding through repeated readings. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for a writing that speaks to me at a very deep level.
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, June 14, 2001
S1
i find this to be all too true. my daughter is recently out of this type of relationship and is going through the pain of getting rid of him. it is so hard and so debilatating to be in it and get out of this control freaks grasp. she is 18 and does not realize the impact it has had on her at least not yet....she still thinks it was her that caused all this grief. yet it is getting better she is young and other young men come into play now and let her know she is cool and awesome and she is starting to believe she is okay. as a mother i hate him and all the damage he has done but i will stay by her and help her through. she is AWESOME!!!!! i gave her life for better than this crap.. mom in NH
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, June 23, 2001
S1
Thank you! I just read 3 of your articles, and now I finally understand what happened a year and half ago. I understand the part I played and the part he played... I think I can finally let go of this enigmatic "shodow of the narcissist" in my life.
Again, thank you. I can smile and understand that it wasn't all my fault, now ;-)
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, July 03, 2001
S1
I have survived and abandoned the narcisist, but feel stuck in my pain. It has been 10 weeks now, and the effects of living with him are still hitting me, job problems, lack of money, stability in my life etc. And it looks like his life is going on just great, it hurts so much to have been the victim and still be paying the price.
I feel empty, alone and depressed. Like there is no future for me, no reason to carry on. And he just carries on, partying and having a good life leaving his mess behind him and me dealing wih it.
I don't want to be stuck in this forever, I work hard at getting better, but feel and look so bad since splitting from him, I don't feel like my self esteam will ever come back. Any advice welcome
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, August 21, 2001
S1
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Date: Thursday, August 30, 2001
S1
Amazing. We need to find a vaccination for that.
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, September 10, 2001
S1
If anyone has any stratagies for stopping getting stuck in anger please let me know. I abandoned my narcisit, it couldnt have gone better really. He fell apart and I resisted all his attempts to get me back. Now he holds me up as a paragon of virtue and uses me as a weapon to excuse treating his new vistim's really badly (his broken heart etc). But I am still stuck in anger, I am finding myself obsessing about him about the image I fell in love with and how wrong I was, my anger is so great and my pain, even 5 months after I got rid of him. It scares me that he is still affecting me so badly. I was with him for nearly 3 years, at first it was like a wonderful dream, how idolized he made me feel, I soon began to reolize that I was an accessory, not a person as whenever I needed anything he would hurt me. Then is temper got worse and worse and I lived in a war zone, never knowing what he would do next. I just want to be able to truely break the hold mentally as well as physically. Any tips please e-mail Janetrg@americasbest.com
B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, October 06, 2001
S1
I have read and reread every morsel on this webpage and I too have sat here with my mouth open in disbelief. I find myself on here but more, I find my exfinance as a narcissist. I always knew there was something wrong from the minute I met him. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster of emotions and I have suffered dearly for this. He appeared in my life as a knight, stunning and strong. He was multitalented, the best lover I have ever known.I often found myself in awe of him, he stimulated me visually in all the things he did and the way he looked. But sadly, he lacked communication skills. He had moments when he was intolerable. As time went on he became distant, moody and began to pressure me to move to his city despite the chaos I had in my life.(I was sick with a DVT, my mother was hospitalized with heart problems and my stepfather was dying of lymphoma) His constant fighting and scare tactics eventually pushed me away from him. This and a physical attack in 1999 where he almost choked me to death in anger. I left the relationship for many months and tried to start again. He constantly emailed and called me, he threatened my new boyfriend and tried to make my life hell. He would alternate between nice emails and really nasty ones. When my new relationship ended he pounced on me and lavished me with attention and love. I was weak, and I still had feelings for him. I went back and 2 months later he bought me a ring and we talked about marriage.This past few weeks, his old behaviour has resurfaced. After my family reunion which his son terrorized the other kids, and was just a total hellion, I confronted him with concern about his son's behaviour. He slammed the phone down on me and told me not to nag. Seeing his son's destructive behaviour, I tried again to talk to him about my concerns and he started yelling at me and told me to "fuck off and die" I was lost, confused and mortified that this was my relationship. I tried again to talk to him, he ignored me and after several days had passed, he emailed me to tell me he was disappointed in me. He broke into my email accounts and my heart just sank as my password glared out at the screen. He violated my trust and privacy, and his suspicions of me cheating where unfounded. I knew at that moment, this person is not someone I can trust. I am unable to talk to him, he constantly verbally abuses me, he talks negatively about my very loving family, he treats me like crap! With the biggest hole in my heart, I decided to once and for all end it. I logged onto this website by accident and read with big tears in my eyes. I finally realized, his behaviour is a true narcissist. That my actions are one of a codependent. I decided to empower myself, learn, read, pray, and share my story with friends and family members. I found the support overwhelming. I still have feelings for this person, a true narcissist is bigger than life itself. However, I am enlightened and I know I have to stay strong if i am to have any stread of mental sanity left. His mind games are killing me inside. I cannot help him anymore, I know I must move on and I will. I willnot let the abuse continue, and I will be a better person for experiencing it. I will not let his behaviour affect me forever, I am a victim if I think I am. Thank you Dr Irene for giving me tremendous strength and courage to get better emotionally. P.S I should have seen this earlier...he had an abusive childhood, he was married twice, his oldest children are in trouble all the time and don't speak to him, he has little contact with his family, people at work call him crusty old man, he is in the military and is a male chauvinist. I just should have seen the warning signals earlier..........awww but I was in love. That's not love, that is total denial! Sincerely, Bridget aka shadfly
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, December 10, 2001
S1
Hello, Does the narcissist sometimes hide his grandios thoughts? Thanks, Cheryl
B1: Submit
Date: Friday, March 29, 2002
S1
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Date: Wednesday, June 05, 2002
S1
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Date: Friday, June 07, 2002
S1
Wow...that hit`s home. My boyfriend of 4.5 years ended our relationship 4 times in 4 years. He always convinced me to take him back. The last 2 times he ended it he said he could`nt handle my "depression"??? The first time he said it my Mom had passed away after a long battle with cancer just 4 weeks previous. The second I was no where near depressed. He was always very controlling...always had to be right, always knew best. We tried being friends..not good! He told me at that time that I knew him better than anyone...his Mom even his Ex-wife of 18 years. He never seems to let me go everytime he breaks it off. Any insite into why a 48 year old man can say I`m his bestfriend, can`t keep his hands off me and that I know him better than anyone and still be unable to committ to a lasting relationship with me?? I have stopped all contact with him for the last few months but still am having a major problem moving on. Please...any help would be so appreciated. Thank you D.
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, August 18, 2002
S1
Hi there I've been out of a relationship with a female N for a month now. Thing is, throughout the relationship, I would take the abuse in it's many forms for about a week or two and then just completely lose my temper with her. I would shout and demand not to be treated so badly and ask how any normal person could be so cold and cruel. The weird thing is, the angrier I got, the calmer she did. ALso she just could not put anything in her head into words at these times. My outbursts of self respect (as I think of them) acted like a state of trauma for her for up to 2 weeks later. I get over a noisy row in an hour but N's seem to hold that scene in their minds for weeks. Anyway, after she finished it (should have been me but eternal optimists are die-hard givers) I tried to help her by posting her info on this condition and borderline. I also attempted to retain a friendly line of communication. I don't want her to hurt herself or other men any more because it is so painful. Of course, I got angry rebukes and emails when she received this material. IT was a little short sighted of me to think and N would see themselves in the literature! Finally last week I just wrote and told her what I thought of her in plain terms without being abusive. I told her exactly how it felt, using examples, for me and her family (who pander to this person) and how that was not normal. How it had caused a string of broken hearts and how shameful an imposition it is on anyone. It's a way for me to get closure because I know the truth will really hurt yet at the same time it will give her a feeling of power for doing that damage - sadly. No-one else has done this with her before. If it was my job so be it but I just can't take any abuse lying down. I fight back every time and say exactly what I think. That, perhaps more than anything, facilitated the destrution of our so-called relationship. I was what she wanted to be but served as a daily reminder of that inadequancy. If you think about it, perversely the anger abuse makes it last longer because it kind of suspends time as confusion and exhaustive efforts for reconciliation kick in on your part. It's addictive stuff certainly, but really all that negative behaviour does is fill a big gap because N's can't fill it with anything else. Strip away the anger and moodswings and you are left with pretty dull person I'm afraid. Try this exercise. Imagine a good friend and write a small positive resume of their character. All their good points and funny little habits and character traits. I'm sure there is some humorous stuff in there. Now....do the same for your narcissist partner. It's alot more difficult isn't it? You may actually be asking 'where's the personality?' Strip away all the negative traits and there's not much left to an N is there? Even if it is exciting. Even shy or quiet people have some very endearing qualities when you know them well. Not N's. So she moves to the next supply. I think it gets harder for the N each time because the last partner was the strongest. I'm patient but tough and learnt from the many mistakes and reconciliations of my family. I'm told I'm attractive and intelligent but I know I'm just another fish in the sea. The difference is how you swim! If you've been hurt by an N remember you have been in an emotional battlefield. You came through a seriously tough period and survived while they burn further into the ground. The toll on your nerves is a big one. As an ex soldier who served active combat service, I can tell you that N's can do as much damage to your nrevous system as coming under fire - at least in the latter you know exactly what is happening! That may sound ridiculous to someone who has not been with an N. Really, they should carry a government health warning or at least be on registered list. Good luck to you all. There is definitely someone better out there. My mother always says 'what's for you will never pass you.' So the right person for you is working their way towards you now. Time is the key and it's always better when it's a surprise! Pete.
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, August 28, 2002
S1
It's interesting that a self-professed narcissist is telling us how to leave a narcissist--by cutting them off wholesale, insisting that they were never really real, only a mirage, grieving for oneself, and removing any hope of helping the narcissist to face his or her problems. Kind of sounds like instant devaluation, self-absorbed grieving, and brutal desertion--the stuff of narcissism. I can understand taking extreme measures in the name of self-preservation after long-term exposure to abuse, but I'm having a hard time distinguishing the empathic party from the unfeeling party in Vaknin's advice.
B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, October 24, 2002
S1
There is alot of across the board stuff here Where and what is the balanced person and relationship, this is good stuff except it seems to cover so many conditions that from time to time trade off in relationships, and where is the definitive line for what is transient shortcomings and the devil incarnate?
B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 17, 2003
S1
OH MY GOD, I am seeing my narcissistic mother and two sisters (who when diagnosed never went back to therapy as well as my three ex-husbands and sons. I have been replaying the same scenario all of my life. Now that my son (age 22) has moved to another state and I feel that my "full time job" to be his parent is over I felt rage and then sadness and now happiness for the first time ever!! He came back to visit me and stayed for one afternoon and evening and left the next morning. He had come for his NS I know see because when he got back to where he lives (10 hours away) he was too "busy" to phone. He now is insisting that I recontact my mother and two narcississtic sisters and to move to Texas where he and they live or he has threatened to never speak to me again!! I now see it is another attempt to control and to have his NS handy. Thank you so much for your information. I have finally seen the light!! --Antoinette
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 26, 2003
S1
Oh my God! I think I've finally found the information I've been searching for and although I'd more or less guessed that I'm married to one of these controlling bastards I'm still shocked by the sheer number of his traits that I recognise. I conned myself for the last 3 years that I was trying to help a man who was suffering from depression caused by a series of emotional blows. Now I can see that the whole thing has been manipulation, and whats worse is the knowledge that deep down I knew this all along but wanted to deny it to myself. A huge part of me is still telling me that I Love this man, but how can I love someone that abandons me each and everytime I'm in need. A man who never forgives EVER! A man who causes me such huge emotional pain. Please God help me to get away. I've almost made it out of this relationship so many times only to be dragged back in. Only last week I begged the Police not to proceed with my complaints of harassment against him after he smashed down my back door in temper. And why did I do that? Because he'd been on the phone telling me how what I had done was unforgivable. How degrading and insulting it was for him to have to sit in a cell for hours, and that "normal" people don't call the Police to their partners and have them arrested. But thats exactly what "normal" people should do! What's not normal is to smash down a door in a temper because your wife just had in invite to a school reunion and you're jealous. I pray that I can find the strength to keep this man out of my life. There hasn't been a moment of true happiness in it since I met him 4 years ago. He'd been kidding me that we were experiencing an unfortunate run of very bad luck. I can see now that its not bad luck at all. He's constructed this senario himself to perpetuate his own self pity. I often wondered why he seemed to be inflicting punishment on himself (often through me by making me hurt first). I guess people like this don't recover. Well at least not whilst they have someone empoweing them in the way I have for the last 4 years. When I met him I had a good job a lovely family a nice home a sports car, a figure that most women of 35 with 3 kids would die for and a great social life. The only thing I felt I lacked was someone special to share it with. Then I found my husband! Now I have no job, no home, a leased car, no money and 3 stone of extra weight to loose ( oh and I early forgot, a criminal record for fraud, for incorrectly filling in an application for state benefits whilst in an emotionally distressed state because I'd just caught him in bed with an 18 yr old girl and our baby was due in 3 days!) I think it's time I woke up. If there is anyone at all out there that knows what this feels like then please help. Feel free to publish my email address all over the web. I don't care so long as I can find a way to get out and stay out
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Date: Tuesday, May 13, 2003
S1
You have gone to a lot of trouble with your netsite. I keep reading the "Please press 'submit' just once!" and am responding. I wrote about half of the response below before I read your articles and the other half after reading them. They were excellent. Made me laugh in several places. Made me see some of the narcissism in myself. Thank you. My response at the title was, "How can you abandon the narcissist? It is very difficult to find the moment. So often one is at the receiving end of disapproval, and one wants to remain until the approval comes back, and then leave. But when the approval comes back the desire to leave also leaves. Last night I had my co-author who is (well was) also my lover (and also married to someone else) abuse me. I told him to drop the pretence that he loved me. He accused me of being negative. But I wore him down. It didn't take long. We lay there. Then I said, Now, tell me about the time when you did x,y, and z to me. (Neglected to read my chapter suggestions, pretended he couldn't hear me on the telephone, failed to answer emails, did not buy me a present for my birthday ...) He lied about everything at first. Gave me several answers. He is a compulsive liar. I think alcohol is part of the problem and he confabulates. I think he blacks out as well. He is a very odd person. We have been writing a book together for eight months. Six of those months he has spent overseas with his wife, who he 'does not love but owes a duty to'. (Married her, he has told several people, because he did not want to die alone. He is 60, I am 50.) I still confronted him with the truth. Without admitting it, he justified it. And I said how cruel he had been and how I couldn't believe it at the time, but that now the fire had gone out of the relationship... He jumped out of bed, trembling and horrified. How could I say such things. He couldn't stand it. Everyone was always accusing him of such things. Why did I expect him to lie there and take it? He had accepted some of it, but, dammit, he was not going to listen to anymore. I was carping and whinging ... It was amazing. He dished out so much and could take so little. "Are you hurt by what I'm saying?" I asked. "Are you?" "Umm, well, yes. I think I am a little." Since he had to come back in the morning to work on our project, he got back into bed, as I suggested. He said he really couldn't be blamed for wanting to leave. Hearing all this criticism about himself just wasn't fun. "We're breaking up", I said. "It's not meant to be fun. I'm criticising you, saying these things you find so horrible and mean, because you hurt me. I'm hurting you back." "Oh," said the expression on his face. "Get back into bed", I said. He got back in. "I'm sorry I hurt you", he said. "I'm really sorry." We caressed a few times during the night. Held onto each other. Hard to say why he did. For my part I held on because I still wanted his body, which still gave off a fait illusion of love and the comfort of warmth; a body for a memory. I also had the urge to masturbate, which I fought, thinking he might believe I was doing it to insult him. Later we started to make love, having kissed for a long time, waiting for our bodies to heat. Then, just as he was attempting to penetrate, he experienced pain. He sat up, examining his penis. "Maybe it's herpes", he said. (He is an occasional sufferer.) "Or maybe it's just a friction sore. I can't tell." I couldn't tell either. Maybe he was making it up. I had done a bit of crying during the night and I was very tired. He got up at about 7am. I slept until 9am. I was awoken by the sound of the front door opening and shutting repeatedly. I wondered if he was taking out all his files and the business items he has stored at my place over the past few months. Later I discovered this was so. "I'm only taking them out so that I can look up the rest of the footnote sources", he explained. "Would you like to take the trousers and the medical card you left here as well?" "Oh, where are they?" he asked, having forgotten he had left them here the previous time. I showed him and he took them. He was more affectionate than he had been all the previous day and night. But then I remembered; approval, followed by disapproval, approval, disapproval, approval ... I was right to dread, well, not quite to dread, to feel a faint distaste at the prospect of seeing him again. I did idealise him. He has almost not looked into my eyes since the time he arrived back here four days ago. S.N.
B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 06, 2003
S1
My ex-boyfriend was such a narcissist that he would sing a made up song around his house "NO.....I WANT IT NOW.....it's not about today...it's not about tomorrow" those were the only lyrics to his song. lol He though all people who laughed were ditzes, even when cooing to a baby, (miserable)I am an actress/singer-he clinged to me and said he admired my outgoing humor. Until he decided to crush it! and roll his eyes at me every time I acted funny. He even would start singing OVER me when I began a song (I was the trained singer...he couldn't sing!) everytime I would say I need to do something.....he would already begin his reply....."Thanks...that reminds me I..." it sounds funny now.....but I was really devestated after a while...I realized he was sick and tried to stand behind him.....even after his being fired 3 times in one year becasue of not following directions and delusions that he knew more than everyone. My friends husband asked if he was educated becasue he couldn't even keep up in conversation in their computer field. I eventually had a breakdown and ended up crashing my car. That was the last night I saw him. I realized it wasn't worth my physical or emotional health! I have stood strong and have learned the most importaint thing....leave these people alone! he never had a girlfriend and was 26...now I know why!