Comments for Living with a Narcissist
Material posted
here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a
substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos
Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for
non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For
commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com
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Date: Friday, March 30, 2001
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Date: Friday, March 30, 2001
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Date: Friday, March 30, 2001
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Date: Sunday, April 01, 2001
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Actually I think tis is all a bit too much. I get the point; but maybe there oare degrees of narcissism? Or am I still in denial? I think I will go back to the catbox...jay
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Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001
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Date: Tuesday, April 03, 2001
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Date: Sunday, April 08, 2001
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Date: Sunday, April 08, 2001
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Date: Sunday, April 08, 2001
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Date: Sunday, April 08, 2001
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Date: Sunday, April 08, 2001
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Date: Sunday, April 08, 2001
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Date: Saturday, April 14, 2001
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These articles describe my brother perfectly. I spent several hours reading on Dr Sam's site. I find his insights, advice, and comments to be very helpful. Sis
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Date: Tuesday, June 26, 2001
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Oh my goodness, I have been living with a man who is described here as a narcissist, and would never have been able to identify it, had it not been for this whole web site and in particular this article. I now see the 'root'. I have been a victim over the years and am finally seeing the light. The hard part is having to break apart the home situation for the two children. But thanks to this article I can help pinpoint the healing that needs to happen with my husband and realize that there has not been any real healing done. Thankyou!
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Date: Saturday, August 18, 2001
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I was married to a NPD for 5 years. I have been divorced for one month. I am relieved to be sane. I am hurt. Sometimes, I am confused. But more importantly, I am free of his evil.
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Date: Saturday, September 15, 2001
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Great site. I have learned so much about my boyfriend in these pages. Thanks. Off to see if I can buy the book. Know he won't change, know now he does not "Love" me. Painful awakening but reality is reality.
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Date: Saturday, September 15, 2001
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Great site. I have learned so much about my boyfriend in these pages. Thanks. Off to see if I can buy the book. Know he won't change, know now he does not "Love" me. Painful awakening but reality is reality.
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Date: Saturday, November 10, 2001
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"back in the day" when I was in school, it was OK to use the word "their" as a genderless, singular possessive pronoun.., instead of "his" or the currently PC "her" or the ever popular and always awkward "his or her" whenever one is trying to talk about people in general irrespective of gender. The same held true for using the word "them" as an object, instead of "him" or "her".
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Date: Saturday, November 10, 2001
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"back in the day" when I was in school, it was OK to use the word "their" as a genderless, singular possessive pronoun.., instead of "his" or the currently PC "her" or the ever popular and always awkward "his or her" whenever one is trying to talk about people in general irrespective of gender. The same held true for using the word "them" as an object, instead of "him" or "her"... and for using "they" as the singular subject, instead of "he" or "she". In an area of discussion as sensitive as this one, I'm afraid I'd much rather read, "..their walls are down" than "...his walls are down". I don't think being gender-neutral is a particularly new idea, and we'd be better off if we'd stuck with the remedy that was already in place.
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Date: Saturday, November 10, 2001
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My father has this problem (narcissim) Never wanted his four sons to achieve anything...just be gone. His world collasped twenty years ago...only one son welcomes him now (not me). I cannot forgive his refusal to allow me to stay on at school at 15. This man owned a factory and would not allow his youngest son to have one day off a week to become a carpenter (via apprenticeship). The narcissist cannot be helped, cannot be given good advice...there is NO COMMUNICATION with these people. My mother could/did not get away from all the rubbish...she died of cancer...CAN NARCISSISM produce cancer?....I reckon that it can...it absorbs the victims soul...their LIFEFORCE. That's how it does it's dirty evil deed. When I fled home, I went more than a thousand miles away...in that new place the air was so good and clean...life was so very easy and fulfilling. I can only pity my mother. From Australia...(still in that place 30 years later) I appreciate your web-site and know you are educating people. In years ahead I predict the link with cancer will be proven as one of the causes. Narcissim is NEGATIVE ENERGY...it is REAL...it is EVIL...it EXISTS...sadly for the human-race we reproduce it!
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Date: Monday, December 10, 2001
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Are some narcissistic people of the mild variety of disorder? Do narcissists usually leave their spouses? How successful is cutting off communication with them in that scenario? Thank you. Cheryl
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Date: Monday, December 10, 2001
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Are some narcissistic people of the mild variety of disorder? Do narcissists usually leave their spouses? How successful is cutting off communication with them in that scenario? Thank you. Cheryl
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Date: Monday, December 10, 2001
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Are some narcissistic people of the mild variety of disorder? Do narcissists usually leave their spouses? How successful is cutting off communication with them in that scenario? Thank you. Cheryl
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Date: Saturday, January 05, 2002
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Great Reading. Unfortunately I'm married to a narcissist. Currently he's planning to divorce me but I'm having a hard time letting go. Sometimes I feel like saying it's OK that you treat me bad I like it? But I haven't and I WON'T because it's WRONG!
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Date: Sunday, January 27, 2002
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i apparently have been married to a psychopath for 23 years. i just found out his diagnois last summer when i sought counseling for myself thinking i was depressed. the counselor said that my husband was a psychopath. i was subsequently diagonsised as being mildly bi-polar which explains why the marriage has lasted this long. i am in constant fear of unemployment because of my disorder therefore i have come to be completely dependent on my husband. i have been on 8 different medicines to try and alleviate my disorder but nothing has taken hold so far. i finally after all these years filed for divorce because i simply got tired of all the neglect, selfishness, abandonment, infidelity, gambling, etc. but then i told him i wanted to reconcile and since i offered this he has shown no remorse or guilt. he virtually neglected our son all his life. i went back to him out of economic fear. i was told by 3 medical professionals and one pastor that there is no hope for him. this saddens my greatly. although it has taken me many years to come to the conclusion that he is totally imcapable of loving anyone but himself i still care for him. am i nuts or what? i really got to fearing my econmic outlook without him. he has contrary to popular belief has held down 2 jobs successfully for 20 years. but that too is part of his selfishness i learned. this is all so painful. the very thought of being self-sufficient scares me to death. he has emotionally ruined me and it will be a long time for me to think otherwise. i am exhausted all the time from the d epression. i just hope that maybe i can find a more sensitive doctor than i one i have. he has never explained to me what exactly bi-polar is. everything i read on it sounds frightening! please any comments from you would be greatly appreciately.
thanks! Terry Murray
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Date: Tuesday, March 12, 2002
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great site
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Date: Friday, March 22, 2002
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Dear Dr.Sam Wow, You would not believe the insight you have given me. You have opened my eyes and mind to understand what has happened to me. I just got my heart searved to me on a dog dish by a N.Who led me to your sight. I was also enslaved by one growing up, my mother was a flaming N on wheels. Both this guy I've been involved with and my mother are entertainers, my mom a stripper and massage parlour owner. She wanted me to work for her or strip I could not strip and it's too bad because I am a natural great dancer, but I could not take my close off to those pervert eyes, I would not go near a guy that is into strippers. This N I've been with has tried to tell me that I am a slut and user and will always be because I was raised by one. As soon as he know where I came from he used it to humiliate me and accuse me of being a player. What a joke, because everything he says is about himself. He is the user, flirter, player, mindfucker. This guy a guitar player. The realationship before him was a 10 yr.marriage of hell with another guitar playing N, my husband was the nicer or the two or so he seemed. Both these guys lived with their mothers and have been spoiled rotten while I grow up in sheer hell, Sexual Abuse from both my mother and father and my father beat the hell out of us if he stubbed his toe. My mother was an alcolic while my dad was a sex deviant. I have been hurting myself just like you said because somehow I keep looking for that prick of my father intertwined with my N mother in the N men I have set myself up with. Still trying to make them love me and not understanding why they don't, You have opened my eyes. I have done self injury as a way to cope and feel. Like I have something to show for the pain as a way to sacrife myself. You have helped me understand that these people are not worth dieing for it is they who are not capable of love. Yes, as a victim I have made excuses for them since I was a kid. I have been attracted to abuseive men since I was a kid. I have made excuses for them too. I wanted them to give me the love sooo bad I so desperately needed in life from someone I had no source growing up. I didn't have self love devoloped as a child, have mostly hated myself because I have felt unworthy and not good enough. The world see's this beautiful talented women who does not know her worth.
Now I need to stop the pattern take responsibleity and stop allowing my self to be abused. I have hated myself so much I have been a self abuser, burned, cut, starved, drugged and took serous chance with my life by stupid choices. I am on the other end of this coin of N and always have been and you know what the saddest thing of all is, is that I am talented and gifted musically, art, writing and exprestion but I have been so traumatized and emotionally punch drunk that I am to afraid to believe in myself as a talent. My mother was to jealous to nuture my music or art, or anything. A voice was the last thing she ever wanted me to have.
I left home green garbage bag at 15, because after my dad left their was noone to beat me up and she lost her Egor. I was raised to be her white stave and trained to run the house. Soon as he was gone I told her to I wouldn't be her slave anymore so she kicked me out. My parents actually got off on beating us. They did it for nothing. They told us we were animals and food, clothing, soap we did not desearve sometimes they made us eat under the table and lock us in the basement for days. I literally at 11 starded to rob houses for food cloth, dish rags for my little brother but, Shampoo, underwear, socks and all the while they had money. We were non human to them they did not know anything about love. They were evil! I am glad to say I as an adult do not have a criminal record, not that I obey all the laws but i don't steal or hurt anyone. How wicked can a person be? When I was a kid I could feel myself turning evil and black, I wanted to kill my parents and everybody in my school and myself. I hated living and at 12 I did try suicide.
My mother is evil, my boyfriend is evil. I must learn that I cannot make them unevil as I've been burned a thousand times trying. I hate her I love her, I hate my boyfriend I love my boyfriend, I hate the monster, I love the monster I hate myself in them and I am trying to work it out through them. I'm the perfect victim, What am I doing? I have tried so bad to understand I have done prison work doing A.A. meetings (not in A.A. anymore) sitting across from killers and rapists, I saw that they were people who could have been me. I have been in different hospitals for PTSD<ByPolar and a whole crap load of other stuff, Borderline, anit-social and so on. In one of these specialized hospitals I was there for Disociative Identity Disorder where I met people who had been satanically abused, Narcism to them is a religion. This is what my husband was into. You could not imagion the horror and hell of these lives, I have also been along side of the mentally and criminally insain. A lot of these people were N and literally went crazy over themselves alone with a host of other various soul dieases. I don't think I'm a N although I can be cruel, I work on not being a borderline and keep my ByPolar in check, I have finished with the hospitals, restaints and hell. So many suicides, the aftermath of abuse and closed eyes of society is a terrible thing. Especially when the answers are so close, one day I would like to write about it all, when I am detached from it more and can handle it. In fact I need to write it to get it out of me.
I am a surviver but more than that I want to be a thriver. I am lucky through all of my abuse I know what true love is, I raised my siblings, I know what beauty is and I am lucky enough feel and see God through people and the beauty of this planit. I am lucky to know there is a world out there beyond all of this that is waiting for me to come out of the darkness, cry a river, clean out my heart, pray for the strength to heal. I have thought it to late to fint my life because it has taken so much time trying to get past the past where I was originally spirit raped and ripped off, I lost confidence as a singer, an artist, I lost confidence life. I have felt like the big empty hole in spirit as I can't have it if it's being broken again. I am trying so hard to keep away from this guy and heal from all of it. I have dedicated my life to healing as I have had no choice the pain has been to intense. I have come a long way and I don't know what my purpose is and I think it is because my purpose up to now has been to supply all the N around me while I lose myself, the guitar players that wanted to keep me in a cage or recreate me to do their image. Luckily I play my own guitar now. I am only 39, and amazingly I am very beautiful and I am almost sorry for that because it has caused me so much hell.
Now I have a chance but I will have to walk alone. I don't know what I could become if I give myself that chance. I want to survive this soul death and get my spirit back because thats exactly what has happened my spirit has been sucked out of me. Thank-you for teaching me about N now I got a chance to stop this from happening and get out of the victim cycle. You have helped me understand and grow. Thank-you for taking the time out to write all this stuff it is truely a gift you have given to the world and to me, Sincerely, Shari Page
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Date: Monday, April 08, 2002
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I think my naturopath is a narcissist. We became co-workers (wish I had known about dual relationships) and I thought we were friends. I caught him in lies and he dumped me like a hot potato. The other problem is, I found out info about treatment he had me on, which damaged my health. He became very sarcastic saying I should never ever go to a doctor again. Your web site has been quite helpful getting over the confusion and understanding the situation. I just plug our names into the scenarios presented and can't believe it! Thanks so much.
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Date: Friday, April 19, 2002
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The therapist I have seen on and off for the last two and a half years just informed me my husband was a nacissist. I have spent the past week reading up on the disorder. I finally fully understand the frustration of the last 20 years of marriage, I was the only one with emotion and empathy. I have been pretending that I am in a normal marriage with some problems. I have tried to make my husband understand how his behavior and abuse have hurt me and our children.
He is incapable of understanding! He has not and will not ever change. He has as much as told me that over the years but I could believe someone would want to act the way he acts. I have been able to gather enough information about his childhood to understand why he is the way he is, but my sympathy is not enough to sustain me staying in the insane situation any longer. I always survived hoping I could figure out a way to reach him. Through reading over the past week, I realize my concerns can no longer be with him but our children and making sure they do not themselves become narcissist or find themselves in relationships with narcissist.
I am grateful for websites such as these that allow people to understand they are not alone in there struggles with narcissist.
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Date: Thursday, May 02, 2002
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Date: Friday, May 31, 2002
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Hello--I guess after reading all this I was married to a real Narcissist--typical background of religious (minister for a father) family using IMAGE to the community as a front. I didn't have the best family structure either-weak mom and dad. However, I divorced after going back to grad school and was in my early thirties with 2 kids...no one understood! His mom had him as really Perfect! My parents set me up as the strong one to help. I can see the problems now. However, I feel Narcissists are very spoiled and over protected by a parent, the other being colder and distant. They get away with abuse as no one can intervene. One parent makes up stories to protect, the other has to react to his game of Try and Stop Me! (very clever). I think the serious lack of intimacy is latent homo or sexual shame, or just immaturity with feelings. A big child. Thanks for your information. I now have a boss who is a serious Narcissist and has been a real pain.
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Date: Thursday, June 13, 2002
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Are there women narcissists?
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Date: Tuesday, June 25, 2002
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Is it possible for a narcissist to read this information and recognize themselves?
For the person who wrote about the usage of "them, him, or her." Actually, it is a grammatical rule that one can use "them" in the place of a singular person when one refers to a hypothetical person.
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Date: Wednesday, June 26, 2002
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My goodness!!!! THIS doctor has a verry dismal view of society today! I do not agree to this last paragraph!!!! Yes People are divorcing and we have lots of technology, but people still interact and need each other. My life alone is an example: I am not the whole world, but I find lots of others are in the same life boat as me and experience it the same. My parents live across the street from me, four doors down. My best friend lives across the street from me one door down. Her parents live on my side of the street, directly across from my parents. There are ten houses on this street that has the same people living there since my childhood. I am 37years old. there are fou, (4),second jenerations that bought a house on this same street they grew up on and live near their parents here. add my best friend and I that will make it six-second-jennerations living here. WE ALL Have computers and tv's in at least two rooms. there are divorced / widowed/ single/ you name the combination. but we all communicate and appreciate one another. we even verbalize the comfort we feel knowing that we all look out for one another. WE DO NOT STAND OUTSIDe all day chatting and wasting time, because we are mostly indoors, or in our own backyards playig with the dog, or watching a video game being played by one of the others, or swimming, or lying on the bed watching a tv show, and having related conversations during comercials about the topic on the show. Or mostly we are getting dressed, cooking, arguing, preparing to go to school/work/etc. this world is not so dismal.. the marriage thing is not so pathetic.... Ill tell what it is in my opInion.....WE ARE MORE EDUCATED AND LESS WILLING TO TOLERATE ABUSE, OR HEAVY UNHAPPINESS...SO WE DONT ALWAYS WORK OUT IN MARRIAGE, AND WE ALSO RUN LIKE HELL FROM THE NARCISSISTS AND ABUSERS.... THANK GOD FOR THAT! BERTHA
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Date: Tuesday, July 16, 2002
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Date: Saturday, September 14, 2002
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Thank you for the information. I have been dating a man for the past year that I believe is a narcissist. I could not put my finger on what was bothering me in the relationship all this time. His desire to be in control, his comments about the magnifecence ofhis sexuality, his knowledge of women , his pays to make me jealous even after I advised him to stop because it was hurting me, his insistence that even though going out on a Saturday night meant something to me that he did not believe that Sat. were any different than Tuesdays, his friendship with his ex-girlfriend because she adores him,... the put downs of my and my daughter's accoplishments, the refusal to tell me he loves me, and so on ad nauseam. Its not just what you wrote its just that I have been having such difficulty letting go and I could not figure out why. True I am a survivor of verbal abuse and emotional trauma from my previous marriage and have had blackouts when drunk so I was easy I guess. He never got a dime from me and now I am less attached than usual just because I am tired of the whole thing. I am an attractive woman who has been at her wits end trying not to fall into another trap with an assholish man, thank god for my good sense and for my daughter's judgement , she has hated him since last year... I hope I can endure the seperation, you know I found myself begging him to have sex with me and noting that he enjoyed the boost to his ego immensely, even though I am a sexual girl I have never had to go to that length before. His disregard of my desires and his holding onto past mistakes or disappointments of mine which believe me are nothing acompared to his behavior have had me baffled enough to stay in this much longer than I expected. I thought I loved him and I do but love is a two way street and this street is silly. I was studying for my psych cerification as an RN and now I have been led down the road of understanding. I am going to exuse myself for being weak, after all my house and dogs burned in a fire four years ago and I lost everything including my ex-husband's sanity, and man I am surely bait for the deprived and the depraved. So if you have a response I would be thrilled to hear it. My ambivalence has been my enemy but now I see myself as the Haiku, I have merit even if I am banging my head against a brick wall today, hopefully I will notice the pain more so I will stop it. I was fine without a man for awhile before meeting him and I will be again, as soon as my addiction to impossible people ends. Wish me luck, my decisions usually follow a ping pong ball direction and it takes way too much energy. Thank you for your insight and knowledge on this subject.
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Date: Monday, September 30, 2002
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Hi my name is Carl (19yrs)(black male) and I have had a feeling that something was terribly wrong with me my whole life but I didn't now what it was. The hardest thing in my life to do is explain my feelings to someone else. I have been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months with a girl that is carring my child. One minute I couldn't stand to be away from my girlfriend, and when she comes down to visit I get tired of her soon as I see her. I dont know much about Narcissism but I happen to read about it in a magazine and it desribed exactly how I feel everday about life. But sometimes im feel normal Is there any hope for me.
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Date: Monday, September 30, 2002
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Hi my name is Carl (19yrs)(black male) and I have had a feeling that something was terribly wrong with me my whole life but I didn't now what it was. The hardest thing in my life to do is explain my feelings to someone else. I have been in a long distance relationship for about 6 months with a girl that is carring my child. One minute I couldn't stand to be away from my girlfriend, and when she comes down to visit I get tired of her soon as I see her. I dont know much about Narcissism but I happen to read about it in a magazine and it desribed exactly how I feel everday about life. But sometimes im feel normal Is there any hope for me. e-mail - Curcuit2000@yahoo.com
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Date: Thursday, October 10, 2002
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Date: Wednesday, November 13, 2002
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Wow. I've been on a journey to try and find out why "I" don't feel normal in the 7 year marriage to my husband. Me-me-me is what he says in a joking manner, but I've always known he really means it. When I try to tell him about something in relation to myself, he'll say, "and what does that have to do with me." When I got sick, he said, "HE gets put in the middle of all my problems." Huh? I had emergency gall bladder surgery and I've developed allergies which money has to be spent on for medication. We went to a psychologist yesterday to discuss our 4 year year old that we're having behavioral problems with at home. The doctor said it wasn't our son, it was us. My husband volunteered me to go first in the discussion, so I told the story. The doctor asked for my husband's comments. My husband said, "that's the problem, he doesn't act that way with me." I felf like I was slapped across the face. Days earlier, he begged me to call the doctor. Betrayed again. This is great information. More of the puzzle unfolds. Thanks.
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Date: Wednesday, December 04, 2002
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Thank you for this information - I've been divorced from a man who fits the narcissistic description and was also alcoholic for 13 years and have been in Al-Anon for 14 years - recently an old school acquaintance resurfaced, so charming and guileless - and, voila! same scenario minus start up of physical abuse after about a year - difference too in that it took me about 3 months to get over it instead of 3 years this time - had come to many of the same conclusions in my program that I read in your site, but reading what you wrote has given it a clarity and cohesiveness that I needed - progress, not perfection here - actually helped me understand what happened the first time around - I really relate much of this to alcoholism - good thing that God loves all of us - have seen so many people who fit this description of the narcissist become happy, functioning, actually giving members of society and families through AA - so I hope for my old acquaintance - as for me, I've left the scene of the accident, having denied and cried, and know better how to drive defensively so to speak, know the warning signs from experience and a fresher assimilation of it after reading your site (have also ordered the book as I sure don't want to do that again) - Thank you for sharing your work - from the bottom of my heart - thank you
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Date: Monday, January 20, 2003
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Date: Wednesday, February 12, 2003
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I've been in a relationship with a man who has been described by his therapist as having a Narcisstic Personality Disorder. Our back and forth relationship has been going on for ten years. During the last 4 he has had a sexual relationship with a woman. He PROMISED that he was through with it - four times - and I believed him! After this last disclosure he began therapy and I'm trying to decide whether he can do enough in therapy to make a future possible. I am tending toward the negative. What do you think?
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Date: Sunday, March 02, 2003
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Thank you for giving me some insight into what has been the most painful relationship I've ever had. After 3+ years of pain, humiliation, deep, deep sorrow, I at least have some understanding of how and why this happened. I married my NP and within 4 months, I packed all of his things and moved him out. I have gone through most all of the stages you described in the healing. Before I read this page, I felt pity for him. He is intelligent, very good looking, tall and strong ... he was everything (I thought) I was looking for in a man. There have been numerous affairs (before we married) and more since we married. A good friend told me to look up NP on google, which I did, and I went to your site first. I was astonished. Everything he has done makes sense to me. I hated him so much and loved him at the same time. I'm on the mend now and as long as he stays away from me, I will survive. Thank you again. KMH
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Date: Sunday, March 16, 2003
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Yes, comments! After enduring years of sexless marriage interlaced with put-downs and threats of divorce, I stumbled upon your site and now know the nature of the beast I've been dealing with. And I feel SO much better knowing it was not me and I am not losing my mind - thank you! Now I just need to figure out how I'm going to get out of this relationship and how I can avoid getting into another like it again as you have described my husband to a 'T'.
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Date: Sunday, March 16, 2003
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Yes, comments! After enduring years of sexless marriage interlaced with put-downs and threats of divorce, I stumbled upon your site and now know the nature of the beast I've been dealing with. And I feel SO much better knowing it was not me and I am not losing my mind - thank you! Now I just need to figure out how I'm going to get out of this relationship and how I can avoid getting into another like it again as you have described my husband to a 'T'.
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Date: Monday, March 17, 2003
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To Whom It May Concern, Excellent article! I spent a year and a half with a Nacissist woman. The first several months were bliss and the rest were extremely painful. I often thought I should work harder at the relationship but the harder I worked at it the worse it became. Your article covered all her personality issues. This explains much of my feelings regarding this relationship. I am happy I moved on. Thanks robbott@earthlink.net
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Date: Monday, March 17, 2003
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Date: Monday, March 17, 2003
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Wow! I just read the entire article and was amazed and astounded. I had tried to find explanations of a relationship with a 35 yr old man I met in January 2003 and all the weird things that happened during the next month and your explanation of NPD fit him nearly to a T. He had been abandoned by his father at an early age, had a needy adult relationship with his mother even tho he left home at 15. He had no education not even a diploma. He had been addicted to drugs, alcohol, and gambling. He had a reputation of a man adored by children (made me very suspicious). He told me right away he wanted to get married and settle down with a woman from my hometown and be Mr. Mom. He pursued me from nearly the moment he met me. I was like Who is this guy? He's handsome, intelligent, sensitive. He was everything you said: when I first met him he was everything I thought I wanted in a man and so generous and thoughtful. He knew just what to say. He was offering me half of everything he had. He spent money on me and was constantly giving me small things. (His constant giving also made me very nervous: I told him not to come to me 3 months from now and tell me look how much I did for you) He was so interested in me, wanted to know all about me. Now I know why. He alternatively made me feel like I was falling in love and made me madder than a hornet. But every time he would make me insane he would be so attentive and considerate I let him back in. But other times he would be very aloof and withholding of his attentions. I just could not figure him out. He claimed he was an "Alpha Male" and would like to control people and things but when he was not "in control" of situations outside ones he had created he would act very shy and hang back and seem to not know what to do. He and I went on a road trip together after knowing each other one month. Disaster. He had "The Look" as a means of control down to a science and would tell me how effective it was. But at least I saw the light! After I was on the trip I found out he was with another woman he had neglected to tell me about. She was calling every 5 minutes all day long over 3 days. I couldn't believe it. He would always talk to her. But to me he said she was a psychobitch and said SHE was the nymphomaniac. He claimed he was helping her that she was alcoholic and a "mess." Right then and there I realized I could replace her but then I would be that same crazed woman three months from now calling every five seconds when he is with his next conquest and he gets off the phone with me and turns to the new woman/victim saying "This crazed woman keeps calling me. I try to help her. She thinks I am her boyfriend. Go figure.") That idea frightened me enough to realize something was very very wrong here with this man. He kept denying this woman was his girlfriend even tho he admitted to me that he had sex with her, gave her thousands of dollars (even tho he claimed to be unemployed) and was emotionally supportive of her. He denied vehemently that she was his girlfriend and took offense at the idea. I believe he was the intellectual type Narcissist as he talked a good game but never even wanted to kiss me on the lips (I took this as a very bad sign). We flirted madly for a month and he always asked me to come to his bed but I refused and he said he was proud of me for not sleeping with him. I thought this a strange comment. After a month when we were finally alone together he told me he was completely passive in bed and claimed impotence problems. He claimed for all his tough act he was actually quite shy. We never had sex and now I thank GOD for that. As your website said: all the symptoms were there. To anyone reading this the Narcissist will give himself away. Listen to what mine said to me several times: "I am a parasite. I am using you. All women are whores. You are only around to entertain me. It's not ALWAYS about me, just most of the time." Etc. He admitted that his worst fear was of being abandoned by those he loved. True to form he had had a "life crisis" three years prior and was just coming out of it. His fiancee had left him and he had been involved in a vehicular homicide in which a woman friend riding in the car he was driving was killed. He had gotten therapy but only after he planned on killing himself. He was currently on very strong anti-depressants to deal with his depression and always claimed he was tired and wanted to sleep a lot. TEXTBOOK stuff. He told me he was thinking of seducing his therapist. He claimed he was an expert at sleeping with women without having sex with them. He claimed he had been with countless women but he also claimed he had only one love of his life for his entire adult life. He described her as passive. She finally wised up and left him. He was devastated. I became suspicious because all of these women including his exfiancee never had names. He never said "Oh Sue or Betty or Robin." Just "My girlfriend this or that". As far as misogyny is concerned he claimed to "love women" but somehow I must have known because at one point I said "I think you hate women. You are only nice when you want something." He denied this. Another strange thing he said to me was "You are not my girlfriend and I am not your boyfriend. You may be in the future but not now. I can't do girlfriends right now." On the trip after three days of hell with him I managed to get away when he left me alone one morning to go do "his ritual" (don't know, don't want to know) and I caught the next flight home. I saw that he had done everything possible to drive me away then he would act all hurt that I had abandoned him. He had become very abusive verbally, criticizing everything I did, being controlling, threatening me, trying to destroy my friendship with a mutual friend, becoming jealous, etc. So even after I left just as this site says: it wasn't over. He emailed me a week later on Valentine's Day all nicey nice saying oh things were weird but let's still talk. I didn't fall for that one because my friends and family insisted I have no contact with him. Then he tried another friendly supportive email two weeks later. Then he began the process of Control-by-Proxy: he enlisted friends of his to contact me to tell me they had known him for 20 years and what a great guy he is. Because I have a good support network and trust my friends and family they told me to forget about him and move on the sooner the better so that has helped. For myself I did feel very bad like I had hurt him and he was so sensitive and what a terrible person I am. Thank God for your website to explain these behaviors and my role in them. I have been thru the four stages of grief. I am allowing myself to feel them a little at a time. He really did a number on me. I am totally shaky even tho I have not seen or heard from him in over a month. I feel his presence is still with me and that I do hate him for what he did to me, for how he made me feel and his role in victimizing me. However I also realize I allowed him to treat me the way he did, that I got caught up in adoring him and feeding his ego need. I needed to understand why he chose me as his victim (but as an attractive woman I also see I was just feeding his need to seduce me for a conquest). He is one good manipulator. So for anyone reading this. Don't let this happen to you. Trust your feelings. If it doesn't feel right it ain't. I did have intuitions and gut feelings not to trust him from the start. I looked for inconsistencies. But he had good guy friends from 20 years or more and I thought they spoke highly of him. Did he have any women friends of that long? Nope. He needed the attention to revolve around him all the time or he would get quite pissy (or act aloof). I fell for it. But fortunately I had enough self esteem left to realize I gotta get outta here and not wait around for more proof. One of his friends said to me "He would never rape or murder you." I said "No, I never said he would. I said I felt unsafe around him and I wasn't going to wait around to find out whether I was right or not." If you are around a narcissist: Watch their friends. If they care about you they will try to protect you or keep you away from this Narcissist (in a love relationship). This is what happened to me. There are warning signs. Pay attention and trust yourself. You are not crazy, the N is! Don't fall for their con. Glad I got out in time! Erika H.
B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 26, 2003
S1
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Date: Thursday, April 03, 2003
S1
"It is a manipulative ploy, not a confession of real emotions..." I have been accusing my N of being like a cat, all over this site, hmmm... Am I insulting cats, or is that the point?
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Date: Sunday, April 06, 2003
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Date: Thursday, May 08, 2003
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Date: Friday, May 09, 2003
S1
Thank you so much for this information. I was beginning to think there was something selfish and wrong with me because I simply will not take the crap my father dishes out ... now I realize he is a narcissism major! Thank you again you are doing a great service. Regards, Dena
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 13, 2003
S1
the effect on kids ???...will a son of a narcistic individual..want to be like his father or can the mother have any influence?????thank you for making your page available on the internet ...being of help is appreciated
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 13, 2003
S1
the effect on kids ???...will a son of a narcistic individual..want to be like his father or can the mother have any influence?????thank you for making your page available on the internet ...being of help is appreciated
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 13, 2003
S1
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 13, 2003
S1
the effect on kids ???...will a son of a narcistic individual..want to be like his father or can the mother have any influence?????thank you for making your page available on the internet ...being of help is appreciated
B1: Submit
Date: Tuesday, May 27, 2003
S1
I have spent 4.5 years in intensive psychotherapy trying to heal from the wounds of narcissistic parents and a narcissistic sister. I am still trying to figure out if it is worth having anything to do with these people. They are sadistic still and I am beginning to realize that that the possibility of ever having any kind of meaningful relationship is slight. I have fought my way out of depression, out of thinking that I was the "sick one" of the family and am fed up. They (my biologic family) used to tell me how proud they were of me... that I'd come so far in healing from the depression. What they won't ever admit is that they were the ones who took me there.
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Date: Wednesday, May 28, 2003
S1
The effect on kids depends on the kids personality make up,birth order and parenting practices. I think it would be wise to have the child evaluated for the benefit of the child. Things are much easier to deal with if they are noticed early on.
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Date: Saturday, May 31, 2003
S1
I married a man that was married to a woman that was Borderline and I believe a serious Narcissist. Her kids are all the same. My husband had one with her and he is too. Her first son is the same age as my husband. Her oldest son's youngest daughter threw her parents away and came to live with my husband and her grand mother. Because she couldn't share him with her grand daughter she accused her husband of having sex with the teen and then moved out saying "her or me". I am the foster parent that watched it all come down. My problem is that because my husband married a woman twice his age at 18 years ole he has had a lifetime learning to cater to this sickness and is very bonded to the teen. She is tearing my family apart and he doesn't see it. I am giving him things off the web to read. I think he is begining to see but I feel she is a threat to the rest of my kids.
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Date: Tuesday, June 10, 2003
S1
HI Your web site is great. It helps to clarify what I have been through. It is so very convoluted....I can't stop remembering the kind and loving man who has abandoned me. The one who promised always to be there. The therapist who totally missed the degree of destruction I had undergone and failed to nail the true issue. I feel twisted. Thanks for listening, Susan
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Date: Monday, July 07, 2003
S1
Wow....how true.