Comments for My Choices

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Sunday, May 27, 2001

Dear Dr Irene,

Thanks, I found the post on the banner. Your comments were shocking and enlightening - I had no idea I was so beaten down - I was even reading my own story and thinking "no, this isn't me...". It's so important to see the abuse written in black and white and to share the "secret" - I have so many "secrets" that I feel I can't share because it would betray my relationship/my husband. Not anymore - in desperation I wrote to you and now I feel a sense of peace, and freedom. I have somewhere to go and very supportive people who will welcome me and my son until I get on my feet financially. I am biding my time, getting stronger, more decisive and feeling happier. Thanks for this site and thanks again for your feedback.

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Monday, May 28, 2001

Dear Nina,

I have the sense you are fully aware of the situation, his abuse, and that you do not retaliate and do the best not to stir up his abuse, you put up with a lot of mean behaviour. Your priorities seem with the baby; you are financially independent. I don't understand why you are tolerating this situation! What reason is there to remain here?

Take care, Zig

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Tuesday, May 29, 2001

Oh Nina, dear Nina, I can only tell you that your story echoes mine in many ways. I especially remember my son's infancy as when things got horrible. Our marriage counselor explained that it was "normal" for someone to echo or play out the feelings of their own infancy, and that rage was common. So I tried to detach and put up with it. But it only got worse or went in different directions.

Dr. Irene's advice to sit tight if you don't know what to do is good advice, but meanwhile also recognize that it can feel so vulnerable to be mothering a young child. I remember wanting to leave then, and not following my instincts, and much of it was fear of being on my own. But when did I start to recognize that my life was much easier when he was out of town and I was doing everything anyway? When did I start to see that when he was gone, I started feeling that I no longer had 2 children, one who was very grownup and therefore felt completely entitled to his behavior. The other who I could deal with because I knew that with love he had the potential to grow into someone who had control and maturity.

I have found so much love and support here around issues of motherhood and fear and getting our versus staying. Right now I am on the path to leaving, and he is now giving me the tears and asking why I can't just accept him. The old "if you really loved me you could handle this" line. I cannot, and I will not.

One thing I can recommend is to read books on abuse. Recognizing that this wasn't just a bad relationship, it was an abusive relationship, was the start to my recovery. I'm not there yet, but I know that I will get there. My eyes are opened. Now I see him begging me to stay for the good, and at last I have the strength to tell him that it is not enough. It must be symbiotic, not parasitic. I am not there for him. I am there for me, and it isn't working for me.

Stay here, Nina, and learn and be accepted. There is a world of people out there ready to help you if you ask. You were not born to tolerate abuse. You were born to give and receive love.

--Loretta

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Tuesday, May 29, 2001

Nina - sorry to post again - but... Why not take his advice to get out of his life? I used to feel that I was being manipulated into leaving, and therefore I wasn't going to leave. Huh? And just where did that brilliant piece of logic get me? Also, learn about narcissism and how crazymaking it is. I don't know if your hubby is a narcissist or not, but his behavior sure does sound like one. The good in those types is not real. They do it because they don't want you to leave, because they are not OK without you. But the reason they want you is not the reason that you'd hope it would be. They need you there because otherwise they'd have to hate themselves.

Someone who calls you a "piece of shit" - where is the good part? Is it really good? That is very serious abuse and not that far from physical abuse, to which it's a precursor.

--Loretta

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Wednesday, May 30, 2001

Dear Nina,

Just like to say that you are not alone. Your story hit home for me. When those comments hit me from my ex it felt like being shot with a stun gun. Its the love you/hate you - push me away/come here - have some crumbs here little lady. And the good times with thse types of men keep us hooked in - the highs are nice - but the lows are pain. And when you get the "occasional indulgence" from them - like a hug, a sweetie comment, etc. we embrace it as if its air to breath - so necessary for us to hear or have something from them that "makes nice" because you'll never know when you'll get "nice" from them again. So, we live for it.......waiting for the next crumb from them.

I hope in time your anger will help you move forward for you and your son. You deserve the best.

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Friday, June 01, 2001

Dearest Nina- I hate hearing things like "move this baby or i'll smash it"...This brings shivers down my spine! Dr. Irene or anyone how can we as mothers rationalize such hideous language? How does this become ok? If a stranger said this we'd react differently. Why cant this be the trigger to say "Screw You!!" and leave or kick him out? Nina, i know you are doing the best you can...but i wonder what happens when the child is 5 yrs then 10 yrs...what will happen??? Pineapple

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Tuesday, June 05, 2001

Hi, I have been cruising the site for answers and I can't help but notice that what Nina is going thru, so are alot of women I know. I hardly know any women who have a consistently stable and committed male companion or husband..I can't help but think that, no matter how far, we as women, citizens,have come, we still live in a mainly patriarcal society, which has so many entrails into our lives, fathers grandpas and etc., reciprocity seems to last only during an initial phase - like through courtship - and then boom - it's one thing or an other - either you have the workaholic or sports-buddy junkie or you have the bruised bully - geeze where have all the decent guys gone? So many of the traits that the abuser exhibits in their early stages of revealing themselves are written off by most women as job stress or whatever and then before you know it your deep in a relationship with financial ties and/or children and you are faced with making a monummmental decision to save yourself. My elderly mother (80) says that you have to take the good with the bad and that hopefully things will iron out and that's how I guess their generation stayed together 50 yrs or so. Our generation is so different - we seem to have have so many disfunctional males who just want mothers or someone they can use and pick on. In any event, while I traverse my way - I find great solace in the fact that I am not crazy - I found supportive the list of traits of the abuser - especially the facts about them telling you info and then denying it as well as the sad fact that they twist the facts so often that they eventually believe the lies they are making up! I had figured most of this stuff out, but it was sure nice to see it in print....thanks so much! Now I am faced with confirmation of this knowledge, with relief and regret that my suspicions were correct and am left with the awsome task of deciding when to make my move, after 14 years of a marriage that has been one heck of a leaarning experience. Misty

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Tuesday, June 05, 2001

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Thursday, June 07, 2001

Nina, I am now trying to muster up the courage and self-esteem to escape my verbally and emotionally abusive husband. He has been this was for 25 of the 25 years we have been together. I didn't even know what he was until about 7 years ago. Yet I made a choice to stay in the relationship with our two children. My children are now 20 and 18. I have to say that in hindsight I should have left back when I realized that he was an abuser. My 18 year old was suicidal and spent a week in a mental health facility when he was 16. He still has problems. I feel that I should have been stronger years ago and not subjected my kids to that environment.

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Friday, June 08, 2001

Thanks for sharing. Your husband and situation sounds so much like mine. I don't seem to have the strenght to leave yet. I have a 2 yr old and I can't decide what is best for him. To stay or to leave?

There is so much to consider. About a year ago now, is when the real troubles started. My husband couldn't seem to hold a job. He became very verbally abusive. I almost left in January. I had a place lined up to live and borrowed money from a relative to start divorce procedures. My husband left for one night and after talking to family decided he wanted to try counseling. We've been counseling on and off sine. It has been better. I am having a hard time forgiving and moving on. I can also see it's really hard for him to be good and can tell when he's about to loose it. And he has, but not as often. If you want to contact me you can at swarren@kimhotstart.com

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Sunday, June 10, 2001

I separated from my abusive/alcoholic husband in January of this year. My kids are 11, 9 and 6, and I wish I had done it when they were infants because now he has turned them against me and I am having enormous trouble at home with them and they all want to live with him, the poor guy who they are convinced (because he tells them so) loves me deeply and I have wronged. But I'm hoping we can get through this, but it seems to be easier to do it when they are babies, but maybe it's just the grass is greener syndrome. Either way, keep strong and smart as you are, your gut will tell you when it is time. Grace

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Wednesday, June 20, 2001

It is so hard to know what to do. I have been happy for the "crumbs" that my husband occasionally would throw me in my 25 years of marriage, until I started reading about verbal and emotional abuse. Now I have stopped wanting or needing any affection or attention from him, I am learning not look to him for my happiness and am discovereing that there are other wonderful people in the world. My husband has stopped being so openly angry because he knows that I will not tolorate it, but he still has anger brewing just below the surface and occacionally it will come out. Also he will occasionally show his true colors with a comment or look. It is like seeing a monster

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Wednesday, June 20, 2001

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Friday, June 22, 2001

I am an abused woman, I have been abused for 20 years by two husbands and a de-facto. The de-facto is the latest, he has knocked me down for 2 1/2 years, attacked me with a knife, abused me every day that I have known him. I am suicidal, my health has fallen drastically,I have no family or friends to turn to. I am so alone. He harrasses me day and night, calling me names and blaming me for all the things he does. He has been unfaithful so many times. I am trying to stop taking the blame and thinking it's me but I have nothing to gauge it by, there is only me. I need someone to talk to desperately. I have 3 children. I am trying to have a normal family, study to get qualifications for a job and keep everything running well. I am the one that comes last every time and I am struggling to keep going. I am so unhappy and sad and hurt by what he has done to me. Can anyone email me? wildchild2000@interact.net.au

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Wednesday, June 27, 2001

Nina, your relationship sounds too like mine was. I got on antidepressants and realized it was not me!! My eyes were opened!! After about 2 years of realizing perhaps I did not deserve his outragoues behaviors and perhaps I was a good person and mother, I have 3 chldren with him, I finally got the courage to leave. People told me I would know when the time was right, I did, Since we have kids it ahs not been easy.. He is a conrol freak and master at manipulation.. Stay strong and do waht you know in your heart isright.. Bla

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Sunday, July 01, 2001

Nina sounds intelligent, she knows exactly hwats going on. She better leave him, especially if the child is also becomming a victim. He sounds as though he is mentally unstable. Leave!

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Wednesday, July 04, 2001

Nina, keep on looking out for yourself and your son, everything that your husband is doing to you and saying your son is watching and learning I know been in a verbally abusive marriage for 3 yrs and have a 41/2 year old son who has seen alot, can't go into it all it would take days to tell it all and I do not have time to tell you bit I do know I have to get out of this soon bacause it is too much to take sometimes. I am working on it, I know what you go through, hang in there and think about your son. lori

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Wednesday, July 04, 2001

Nina, keep on looking out for yourself and your son, everything that your husband is doing to you and saying your son is watching and learning I know been in a verbally abusive marriage for 3 yrs and have a 41/2 year old son who has seen alot, can't go into it all it would take days to tell it all and I do not have time to tell you but I do know I have to get out of this soon bacause it is too much to take sometimes. I am working on it, I know what you go through, hang in there and think about your son. lori