Comments for Look Up Narcissus

Comments: Look Up Narcissus

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1998-2003. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Tuesday June 03, 2003

File for sole custody. You have to protect your child. JM

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Tuesday June 03, 2003

File for sole custody. This man is incapable of providing a safe environment for his son. Leaving a child unattended by a pool is child endangerment.

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Tuesday June 03, 2003

File for sole custody. This man is incapable of providing a safe environment for his son. Leaving a child unattended by a pool is child endangerment.

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Tuesday June 03, 2003

File for sole custody. This man is incapable of providing a safe environment for his son. Leaving a child unattended by a pool is child endangerment.

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Tuesday June 03, 2003

File for sole custody. This man is incapable of providing a safe environment for his son. Leaving a child unattended by a pool is child endangerment.

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Tuesday June 03, 2003

Leila, what a story. Thanks so much for sharing it. It has obviously taken a lot of courage and tenacity for you to get to this point. Underneath it all, though, I can tell you are a very strong woman. I admire your courage also in standing up to your husband and telling him that the third time you got pregnant, that you were not going to abort it. I became pregnant accidentally shortly after I married my second husband. I got a similiar response out of him that you received from your husband. He didn't want to be saddled with another child (he had an older child from another marriage) against his will, his first wife pulled this crap on him too and he wasn't going to let it happen again, he was getting too old to have the financial and emotional responsibility for another child, blah, blah, blah. He kept asking me what it was I wanted to do, but then would turn around and blast me again with reasons why this would inconvenience HIM. He got me to agree to abort the pregnancy. I had an appointment set up at a local family planning clinic, but ended up not having to go through with it because I miscarried anyway. I don't think about this much these days, thinking it was no big deal, I didn't want to have kids that bad anyway. But I do remember the pregnancy test showing "positive" and being excited at the possibility of being a mom, only to face his barrage of verbal assaults and insinuations that I was trying to trap him or something. Now, thinking back on that event, and reading your story, maybe that affected me more than I thought it did. Lastly, you should definitely go for sole custody of your child. Your husband does not appear to be very responsible when it comes to child care, and even after you try to talk to him about any child care issues, he takes a very lackadaisical attitude, which is scary. I wish you clarity and peace in the coming days and months. Thanks again for sharing your story.

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Sunday June 08, 2003

This was my first visit to this web site I've only read a little bit of it and know that I'm not alone anymore there are others who suffer in the name of "the good" thank you for sharing your story it gives me hope.

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Sunday June 08, 2003

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Wednesday June 11, 2003

You need to get over yourself and stop. It sounds like the world is against you..... You control YOUR life.

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Wednesday June 11, 2003

Leila follow your motherly instincts or you could lose your son. . .permanently! What an idiot to leave a child alone in a pool. He sounds just like my soon-to-be ex. All of my motherly concerns had no validity until the worse came to pass. Get on with your life! From day one he never seemed to make your child's welfare a priority, now you must! Good luck and stay strong!

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Thursday June 12, 2003

I think Leila should definitely file for sole custody. For the father to knowingly leave a non-swimming 6 year old in a fenced pool area and then retreat to the 2nd floor apartment is criminal!! I think he is still trying to "abort" this pregnancy by his willful neglect...and then will blame Leila if something happens to the little boy. And kudos for Leila on looking out for herself and getting out of a bad situation. "Life is not a dress rehearsal".

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Thursday June 12, 2003

Hi, this is Leila. Thanks for the feedback everyone and I truly do hope it helps to share my story. Once I sent it I was hoping Dr. Irene wouldn't post it, but I am glad she did. Thanks, doc! You who said I need to get over myself, you know, you are absolutely right. And this is my struggle now, to get over this victim mentality stuff and take control of my life. Believe me, if I understood before I wouldn't have gone where I've been. Sole custody doesn't seem like much of a possibility in my state. Sad but true. Not enough evidence in the eyes of the law to prove this father is negligent. There is a really strong push for joint custody arrangements. I have to say his father has made an effort and did take me up on my suggestion that he enroll the child in swimming lessons and attend himself. I am trying best I can. After a day in which I was verbally abused by my lawyer, I am going to go poop it out in the catbox. Thanks again.

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Tuesday June 17, 2003

Dear Dr. or Anyone Who Can Advise Me....... May 6, ,2003 I was born on 8-31-55 and have a sister who was born 5-11-58. Both of my parents are living. Dad was born 2-17-32 and mom was born 1-27-34. They were married 2-27-55 and divorced in 1978. I was an above average student in school and graduated from Lebanon High in 1973. I majored in business courses. I started organ lessons when I was five and began making a living playing and singing when I was 14. I did this until I was 32. When I was 15, I learned accordion and joined an all-teenage member accordion band who played the east coast. I had the privilege of making a vinyl album and playing in front of Cinderella's castle in Disney World FL. I also twirled baton and went on to teach and judge at competitions. I married the first time when I was 19. 5-2-75. Jim had already been in his 2nd marriage and had a little boy. Where my head was I don't know. My dad and mom are emotionally distant people and my dad has never hugged me, kissed me or said he loves me. He disciplined with a belt and you didn't want to be on the angry side of him. Maybe I saw Jim as a way out. My sister had married at age 14 and was pregnant. Her little boy, Samuel, was born with an enlarged heart and died at the age of 7-1/2 months. My marriage to Jim was a joke. He was very abusive and after the gun threat I left and filed for divorce. My mom was leaving my dad at the time and suggested I live with him till I get back on my feet. My sister moved with my mom and my mom was moving in with David, who would later be my stepdad. The most painful part of their divorce for me was that I couldn't visit my mom and David. She didn't want my dad to know she lived with him. One night after dark I went to visit and could see them all laughing and talking inside but they totally ignored my knocking. My dad knew what was going on and it just really hurt. It bothers me to this day that my mom and sister and her family and very close. A lot of times I feel like I have no one. I remarried 3-28-82. Michael was 34, the youngest of 15 kids and never married. I figured he was my salvation in a way. I didn't notice that everytime I saw him he had a bottle of beer in his hand. He is an alcoholic, now recovering. He is also a gambling addict and plays the Pennsylvania lottery very heavy. Years of emotional and mental abuse contributed to my depression and anxiety and I began to get sick. Amanda blamed both Michael and my stepdad of sexually abusing her and she stopped speaking to adults for eight years from the age of three. We found out later she lied in both cases and it was then thought that the selective mutism was in response to the fighting in the alcoholic atmosphere. After years of threatening I finally broke down and left in 1/99. I just couldn't take anymore. We hadn't been intimate for 12 years of even shared a bed. He wasn't sociable unless he was blitzed and the fighting just wore me down. There was also the night that he and Amanda were at a six year old cousins birthday party. Naturally there was drinking. Isn't there beer at most children's parties? Some guy cut Michael off on the way home and Michael decided to tailgate him and flash multibeams. A cop sitting roadside saw it and chased and pulled him over. As soon as he smelled the booze he did a breathalizer. Michael was insisting he wasn't drunk, Amanda was in the back seat crying. The cop gave him a huge break and didn't cite him for DUI. Instead he cited him for public drunkenness and posing endangerment to others. He also impounded the car. Michael believed I had been wishing this on him and wouldn't call me to come for them. He called his niece and her husband instead to bring them and the car home. I sought help at Women In Crisis when I left. I dated a few men but nothing serious. Brooke became a very good friend and one day he said he got an email from my niece, Jen. She told him I was a lying, neurotic, meddling, evil, vendictive, scamming the insurance company for money bitch. She said I am Amanda's whole problem and the reason her uncle drinks. When I emailed her asking her why she did this, she said she knew more about me than I could imagine. Wondering how this could be led me to do my own memory searching and investigating. I found out she worked in the legal department at Women In Crisis. I showed them her emails and she was fired on the spot. Jen was about 5'5, 300+ lbs. and single, pregnant from an internet romance turned sour. I got the blame for her firing and losing insurance when she was pregnant. July 31st she went into labor and her blood pressure zoomed causing the placenta to burst. Little Alex was stillborn. I got the blame for that as well. Michael's family does not talk to us and stopped talking to him when we reconciled our marriage on 10/1/02. Amanda was tested in school and was in special ed throughout. Her IQ is in the 70's and she has specific learning disabilities. She is also very lazy and makes no effort to work. She has no motivation to drive or do anything. Her dad will not support me in getting her out. I wanted to put her in a group home setting but he won't allow it. She is very spoiled and pampered from years of not talking and now at age 18 cannot handle losing privileges or not having her own way. I saw a very scary side of her temper tantrum and the next time it happens I will be calling 9-1-1 if I am still living here. While we were apart Michael lost his car to the finance company and foreclosure was started on the house. He filed Chapter 13 bankruptcy and had to take in a friend I met on the internet, 61 year old Pete, who is a diabetic amputee who also served two years in State prison for alleged sexual offenses on a mentally challenged young woman in a home he worked at. He had been a mayor and according to him was framed. He said another woman at work had eyes for him and coached "Diane" to say she was raped when he didn't return her advances. To see him I can't imagine any woman wanting him but he was married three times. He has no teeth and doesn't wear dentures. His fingers are stained from cigarettes. I did read the transcripts and the charges were dropped. Other than the music business, I worked in desktop publishing for eight years designing ads on a macintosh pc. I became disabled in March 1995 with bilateral carpal tunnel. I had each hand operated on twice for various problems. When surgeries didn't help they did an MRI on my spine. They found in addition to six protruding disks a tumor on the left lobe of my thyroid. I had it removed in 10/95 and luckily it was benign. They also found I had what is called Cauda Equina Syndrome, nerve damage in the lumbar spine. During all this with my back I developed incontinence and was given collagen shots in my bladder. The last time the doctor injected too much and I personally believed damaged nerves and I was then unable to wizz without a catheter. I am now told I have a neurogenic bladder but of course it is not the doctors fault. I had endometriosis and my doctor said since I had three miscarriages and had to take Progesterone from time of trying to conceive through the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy with Amanda to carry her, that I should have a complete hysterectomy. I had no clue the havoc it would wreak on my sexuality or sensations. Orgasms take longer and are not as intense and it is very depressing. Cigarettes are a vice I can't seem to kick despite having tried the patches, gum, etc. My health is getting progressively worse and it is for that reason that I am going to be leaving again on September 1, 2003 unless I can find a way to do it before. I talked to Michael (the little bit he is willing to talk) and he's not willing to compromise or change the gambling or get Amanda out and moving. The last time we were alone as a couple was in April of 1992. I have high blood pressure, high cholesterol, don't have enough potassium, borderline diabetes, gastric reflux/peptic ulcer disease and take 11 meds daily. I began psychiatric/therapy a little over a month ago. The shrink increased my depression medication to hopefully help that as well as my anxiety/panic attacks and to stabolize my mood. With everything going on here I fly off the handle at anything and everything. He kept my anxiety medicine the same. I have to wonder what the future holds and I have given everything to God. I realize God works in His own time but I don't know that my health can wait that long. Maybe my faith needs vitamins. I really believe I was my calmest self the three years we were apart. I could kick myself in a way for coming back but he quit drinking and I believe in family. Blind sighted. I know I am meant to be in a relationship that is reciprocal unconditional love, friendship, mutual confidantes. It's whether that person is out there. They will know and I will too. I am a brutally honest, sincere and sensitive woman. I am romantic, sexual and have a lot to offer the man who knows how to treat a woman and is himself an honest and trustworthy man. I am looking for a one woman man as i am a one man woman. my disability is only 730/month so I have some saving to do to do as the therapists says "develop Plan B and get out for my health." She feels I am an articulate, attractive woman and if I start going places I won't be alone long. I guess we'll see. I am full figured like the Greek goddess build, aka BBW to some. Born with red hair and mood eyes - they are sometimes blue, sometimes green. June 6, 2003 Amanda was supposed to have therapy yesterday but didn't get up. The appointment was at 11. I went and had the session instead since I was pretty depressed between this weather and what Michael did. The mortgage and his court payment were due yesterday. He hasn't paid either. It's my understand if the payment was not in Florida by June 5th, they bankruptcy was null and void. He claims he's mailing it tomorrow but I don't think there's a grace period. Sandy (my therapist) talked to me about the times in my life since I left home at age 19. My marriages were the two biggest mistakes I feel I've made. I regret both. The only regret I don't have is my daughter, despite her laziness. Sandy said she used to work at a nursing home and was surprised at the number of elderly people who had nothing but a life of regrets or wishes that they had done things differently. She begged me not to become one of them. She said she noticed a recurring pattern in my life and that was I get in situations where there are destructive behaviors and I waste my life waiting for people to change. She asked to please stop it. I know it will be difficult but I have to walk away - alone. Getting 730.00/month SSDI isn't practical when it comes to supporting oneself but one day at a time, right? June 15, 2003 After being up till approximately 2 a.m. and having eaten a ham on roll, popcorn and salsa and later a tossed salad, Amanda was made to get up at 10 and ate a full breakfast of dippy eggs, toast and homefries. Within a few hours she was sick. Begging to go to the hospital. Said it was coming out both ends. I was determined not to get involved so I continued to do laundry as I have to be in the basement to get the washer to start spinning manually. It seems like the belts are shot. She went back to bed and proceeded to sleep. After I was done with the laundry I got my bath and she came in the bathroom to pee. I asked her if she wanted to go to Walmart with me and the answer was a resounding yes! All she had to do was get dressed :-) I called her dad in and told him she was going to go to Walmart with me and he knew. He told her, "she got you now Amanda." I told her I am leaving but as long as I am here she is not going to give me a nervous breakdown or worse. She does not care about her personal hygiene, doesn't even get dressed or comb her hair during the day. She only has insurance for two more weeks since she quit college and turns 19 on July 2nd. It is going to take me some time but I am going to start saving my money and I'm leaving. Wherever I end up going I will work part time and not be dependent on Michael for alimony. Hopefully my car won't die. It is a 1998 and has 62,000 miles on it. I hate that I am stuck in this house 24/7 because Michael lost his car and uses mine. I am on a guilt trip because I do care about him and I don't want to see him suffer but he doesn't care enough to change his behavior and ease his own suffering. He said he has always loved me but he just doesn't express it. Some say the novelty wore off after all these years but that deep down inside he loves me. Who would work 10 hours and come home and make supper because their wifes hands hurt they ask, if he didn't love me. They ask is it worth a new relationship to have the thrill of the newness which will wear off eventually too? I am just totally confused. I guess I could track down a minister to talk to and ask their opinion as to whether or not my leaving would be a horrible sin. If Michael were to die before me I would be sad. We spent over 21 years together. It's just that living in this situtation with Pete and Amanda and Michael is really doing a number on my health. Maybe God will put the answer/solution in front of me and the wisdom to recognize it. I certainly hope so. June 16, 2003 Amazing thing life is. I met Nick on the internet, a 58 year old disabled widower who offered me a roommate option as he also needs financial help to maintain an apartment. Over the weeks of talking, Nick and I developed feelings for each other. I felt guilty because Michael quit drinking and just because he was still gambling and lying about money probably didn't mean that I had a right to be angry or to leave. Well the can of worms was about to be opened. My dysfunction daughter decided to email her dad and tell him I have a new man. She talked to me in ways I never talked to my mother. I saved the email. Michael acted jilted and hurt and asked if I gambled and lied if that gave him the right to go out and screw someone. Note I am not "screwing" anyone. He refused to discuss it rationally and went to bed as he had to get up early and his night had already been ruined by us. He played 202 in the lottery and it came up straight. When he went to collect he was told it was played for today, 6/17. What ashame, eh? He was angrily telling me the problem is ME and that I always need someone to blame when things don't work. He was telling Amanda he is letting everything go and no longer paying the house or the bankruptcy. I am hurt and confused. I don't think I am wrong here and I think once again it is Amanda at work as she was "punishing us" for taking privileges from her since she refuses to get out of bed and do anything, work inside or outside the house. All she wants to do is play on the computer or watch tv. When she was four she stopped speaking to adults and was labeled selectively mute. One of the therapists at the time insisted she had to have been sexually abused. I began looking at Michael in a totally different way, wondering. She said later he played "gooker games" with her and he was investigated. The mutism started after witnessing several fights when he was drinking, my going to work, Amanda having her tonsils/adenoids out and me trying to set rules for her. The charges were later dropped and she said he didn't do anything. Another time when she was 8, 1992 - mike and i went away for a weekend alone and it was the last time. Amanda stayed at my moms and was angry. When we picked her up she said my stepdad sexually abused her. He too was investigated. Later, she said she lied but charges were already dropped. Could it be that both my husband and my daughter have sociopathic tendencies? I posted this before twice and lost it both times. I don't know how to work this site. My email is Sthom@comcast.net Sheree

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Thursday June 19, 2003

Hi Leila, Reading your story reflected my life of the last 14 years so closely. I am currently in the process of divorce with my verbally & emotionally abusive husband. He also used me for his progression at first in our marriage. He was a licensed attorney and I was the perfect (cheap) legal secretary/paralegal/receptionist/bookkeeper/errand runner and janitor. And that was just at work. At home I was the maid, cook, sex toy, etcetera.... When our first daughter was born, he packed his pickup with his stuff and left Montana for California. His father talked him into coming back - I wanted him to stay so badly, I was a new mom and I didn't want to be on my own trying to take care of a newborn and make ends meet. When our daughter was small, I went back to college. He made that as difficult for me as he possibly could. Said he needed me to be working full time and helping him at the office. So, I worked for him at night, did my homework until midnight, took care of the baby, and ran my own accounting business during the days - taking the baby with me. When our second daughter was born, it was more of the same, only I didn't have time for college. We spent a lot of time during our marriage moving from one city to another in order for him to have "better opportunities". Basically, it boiled down to the fact that he shit in his nest where he was and had to move on. He was so horrible that he lost his attorney license in one state and we had to move to another, where he claimed he was tired of the legal ratrace and wanted to start his career over. Six years later, he is still trying to start his career over.... When I went back to college again he supported me at first, but when I started to make new friends he began the control tactics all over again. Soon he was so jealous and angry that something as simple as getting my hair cut became a control issue for him. He wanted it cut his way, by someone he approved of.... extremely petty. When it became clear that we might split, he told me that he wanted a separation, but we could live in the same house and share expenses. I told him that wouldn't work for me. He offered to get an apartment in a nearby city and I agreed that we should "try that" for awhile. However, when it came time for him to move his stuff out, he started being petty. Broken things, disconnected utilities. He was relieved that I was the bad guy ending the relationship and he took the position that he had been wronged. He even told me that I was the abusive person and that he had had enough of my controlling and manipulating. (YEah - I'm the abusive one. That's why I hide in the closet and cry in the dark so much. Did you know that you can cry a huge cry in the shower and not only can they usually not hear you, but you can hide the tears and your face doesn't puff up as much?) I guess at this point, being in the divorce process almost two months now, my best advice would be to get a good attorney who isn't afraid of mean, crazy people, and find yourself an excellent counselor to work with you. We have a Women's Center for abuse victims and they have counseling and legal assistance. I have needed the emotional support so much during this process. Without that help, I would have been way more lost than I feel now. Don't expect him to do things nice. As one very wise person told me, "He is black inside, and he is very angry with you. There isn't much that he wouldn't do to make your life hell. Don't trust ANYTHING he says to you, because he will tell you what you want to hear in order to catch you off guard and set you up to fall into his traps." And for heaven's sake - DON'T WASTE YOUR TIME TRYING TO WORK ANYTHING OUT WITH HIM ON YOUR OWN! IT WILL ONLY BRING YOU DOWN AND HURT YOU. PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR LITTLE BOY. Do what is best for him and what is best for you. Sole custody is a worthwhile effort - I am fighting for the same, and it is very hard, but my attorney is on MY side. Now, I think I am going to print this as a reminder for myself when I'm feeling down and I can take some good advice from someone who really has walked in my shoes... It's good to have these written reminders. Without them, we forget - and we give in. Then we live the hell all over again. Bless you and stay strong. Love, Tracy

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Friday June 27, 2003

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Saturday June 28, 2003

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Monday June 30, 2003

i think you seem to have a handle on the truth of what has been happening. i too have dealt with similar things and i appreciate what you are going thru. I hope God realizes that frequently women leave marriages for the sake of their child. Alot of men have such a different view of things, it makes them impossible to live with. I certainly would not ever want my child to grow up in that type of hostile atmosphere.

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Wednesday July 09, 2003

I can only say, for me, indifference, indifference, indifference has worked wonders for me. Indifference takes pratice but once you understand how it works it becomes a charm and you will not have to deal with your husband to much. Forget that your husband is the father of your child. He DOEN'T NOT CARE! Only you care and that is not real. Your son deserves much better than a father like your husband. Wake up honey you and your son are on your own you two have always been alone since the day he was conceived. Your husband doesn't exist except in your own mind. You have the power to change yourself. Get away from this man as fast as you can. Save yourself and your son! I am happy, happy, happy. I finally got the nerve to leave my psycho husband, of 26 years, a year and a half ago when he announced that he had another woman that he "loved". I have hardly seen him since. I got the house, the money, my car, and my life. He got a whore, in debt, lost his whole family, lost the love of his son, and is now a stranger in my life. If I know I might see or hear from him I feel so angry, but I never let him on to it as it will give him to much pleasure. I will never give that man anything ever again. But, I would have never been able to do this without Sam Vaknin's web site. I learned more from a man just like my husband than any other therapy or AA...etc. Stay healthy and stay away from men who have wifes and girlfriends. Big hugh, giant RED FLAG. Joy

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Thursday July 10, 2003

Dear Leila my name is Suellen and I have Just discovered this website having just got my first computer.Your story rings very true of mine .I am starting to finally realise what I have been through.I am extremely effected by the last twelve years and have started a new life trying to finish a degree.Thankyou Doc for this information ,it makes so much sense now.all the best.

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Sunday July 27, 2003

Leila, Narcissists make horrible parents. If your husband gets to see your son once every two weeks that will be more than enough. Maybe on that standard sole-custody schedule he will express sufficient pride and pleasure in his son's company, and not pass on all that narcissistic criticism. You owe it not just to yourself but also to your son to get sole custody. Probably the main reason he wants joint custody is so as to avoid having to pay child support to you! Plus narcissists need an audience. Don't let your son fall victim to that need. Go for it! Jane

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Sunday August 10, 2003

Wow, what a story. I am going thru a very similar situation right now and just by chance I stumbled onto this website and had the opportunity to read your story. I am mirroring your what you have explained. I originally was on the internet looking up what my legal rights were for my new born son and myself. I wish you well and will pray for you that you have the courage to leave that mess, get on with a beautiful life and never look back except to pat yourself on the back at your accomplishment. Jen

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Wednesday August 13, 2003

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Thursday August 14, 2003

Leila here. Sometimes I feel so silly for submitting my story, but reading the responses and seeing that it really does help others makes me feel a little better about it. Chances at sole custody are minimal to nil. And I must say that my sons father has made efforts to be a better parent. With this narcissist I see how my reactions and behavior REALLY affect the actions he takes. If I am calm and accepting he is the same. If I get upset, he gets upset. If I am happy, he is happy. It is creepy, but in a way shows me powers that I did not realize I had. I do not know if he will ever be able to see beyond the narcissistic tendencies inherent in his personality (and I have to wonder about my own tendencies, to have gotten emeshed with a narcissist) but I am beginning to believe that if I keep contact with my higher self, if you know what I mean, and do not let myself slip into the morass, that there is hope for my son, and also, in some way, for my former husband. We are all in this together, as yucky as that sometimes seems!!! Leila