How to get Dr. Irene's Advice: Look here!

Ask The Doc Board Archives

The CatBox Archives

Stories Archives


Below is an Interactive Board sampler. A fuller listing is found in the "Stories" menu above.

4/14 Interactive Board: Codependent Partners

3/23 Interactive Board: He's Changing... I'm Not...

3/1 Interactive Board: D/s Lifestyle

1/14 Interactive Board: My Purrrfect Husband

12/12 Interactive Board: What if He Could Have Changed?

10/23 Interactive Board: Quandary Revisited

8/24 Interactive Board: Quandary! What's Going On?

7/20: Dr. Irene on cognitive behavior therapy and mindfulness

6/12 Interactive Board: Unintentional Abuse

11/7 Interactive Board: Is This Abusive?

12/29 Interactive Board: There Goes the Wife...

11/4 Interactive Board: A New Me!

10/8 Interactive Board: Seeming Impossibility

9/8 Interactive Board: My Ex MisTreats Our Son

5/1 Interactive Board: I feel Dead - Towards Him

4/26 Interactive Board: Why is This So Hard?

4/19 Interactive Board: I Lost My Love...

4/7 Interactive Board: Too Guilty!

Comments for Jealous Obsession

Comments: A Woman's Jealous Obsession

Material posted here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyrightę 1998-2002. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at



Tuesday, April 09, 2002

Doc, Thanks so much for your advice, I am exciting that once treatment is in the process, I can look forward to a happier and more productive life, and a normal relationship.

Thanks Again, Gail

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Dear Gail,

I recognize the obsession over your partners interest in other women. I used to be very obsessed too. C. was, I think, already in the passive aggressive mode as dr. Irene calls it, and commented on other women to me and I hated it I did not want him to notice any other women, like you I felt that I should be enough.... Funny thing is it took him falling in love with someone else for me to realize I could never control him. this happened about two and a half year ago and it took me lots of hard work and pain to accept you cannot control someone else and I will never ever be able to control him and now, actually I don't want too anymore.

That does not mean I don't feel the panic flare up every now and then and I get scared of him cheating on me, but I am pretty sure it is my problem and not his. I am able to calm myself down, tell myself if he will like other women better, he will and obsessing over it will not prevent it, it will only make my live and our relationship miserable and thus make it more likely to happen. Nowadays I simply refuse to obsess over this and the panic occurs less and less and I feel much happier. You've imposed good thought habits on yourSelf.

I did have (still have) the help of a therapist for this and loads of other things and I hope you will find a good one to help you too. Even with a therapist to help you it is hard work, but it can be done and it will make your live so much better....

Hang in there and remember control is an illusion, you can only control yourself.

Love, AJ  Thanks AJ

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

Hi Gail and Gabriel,

My sister and her partner went through this problem of jealousy. My sister however, continued to live her life and even though her partner followed her around she did not comment. Eventually his fears lessened, but that was only because she carried on living her life and her partner began to see that she really was not doing anything to harm their relationship.

Though she had to keep going out and eventually by being truthful her partner faced his fears. Now he can be okay if she goes out and he no longer follows her.

His friends are aware of his insecurities so they don't make comments about my sister in front of him.

I think this is the same with most fears, one has to face them. "Face the fear and the fear will disappear"... One has to see one can trust.

Gail, I guess it is lovely to have someone to really care for you (so sit with your feelings) have you tried giving Gabriel a hug when you feel anxious. This would break the pattern that exists at present. Great idea!

Why do you think Gail that it is wrong for a man to look at another woman when they are with their significant other?

Were your family very strict and did they tell you this?

There is a saying in my home town: "It is okay to window shop as long as you don't stop to buy." :)

Gail, you are very valuable and have alot to offer, Gabriel loves you very much it is obvious. He may look at other woman but that is just an evolutionary thing he cannot turn off.

You need to look at the results - Gabriel is with you, doesn't that tell you that he wants to be, he doesn't however, want to be with others. The proof is in the fact he is still with you! (Even if he walks out in frustration from time to time.)

Another way of looking at things is that Gabriel may look at other woman but it is obvious none compare in his heart to you, since he is still wants to be with you. He loves the person you are.

The other stuff, such as not doing what you know you really want to do. I know this well. In fact I to am struggling with this in my studies.

I think the answer to this problem lies in the negative reiforcement we get. The escape! Though we also lose out on the achievement. I worry that I will not make the grade, that the work is hard, that I don't know how to organise my essay structure. So I avoid it and get behind. Then I start to beat myself up emotionally.

So the negative reinforcement then involves punishment because I beat myself up emotionally by telling myself how dumb I am now I am behind.

Gail, we aren't helping ourselves are we? The benefit we get from the negative reinforcement which is ESCAPE/AVOIDANCE results also in us punishing ourselves by emotionally lecturing ourselves when we get behind. Then on top of that come the consequences of not doing the work, in my case not getting the essay in on time. This adds to the guilt I feel.

The solution is to start by changing our irrational beliefs such as "I can't do essays, or I can't do xxxxx" Where is the proof? Have you ever done any essays? Did you get any marks for them?

The same for you THIS IS NOT LAZINESS, this label only adds to the emotional beating yourself up. Drop this label. You are suffering from FEAR, fear of failing.

I to spend so much time doing essay plans that I never get the essay written which is the same as your handwriting. By doing this we are stalling doing the work which is negative reinforcement in the form of ESCAPING DOING THE TASK THUS, ESCAPING TEMPORARILY FEELINGS OF FAILURE.

All these lists and agendas and getting yourself into confusion are all part of the ESCAPE (negative reinforcement)

The cure/solution you have to allow yourself to just write freely, no judgment. The TRUTH is nothing is ever going to be perfect. Our contribution shows where we are up to in our understanding. We can only do the best we are capable of at that moment, it will never be perfect.

For me I have started to realise it is the organising that is an obstacle for me. Grouping my ideas together, i notice I leap back and forth, I also do this in my posts on these boards at times.

It is okay for me not to do my essays perfect. It is okay for you to not do your writing perfect.

A piece of your writing is you sharing yourself. Sharing what is in your mind/inside of you. Your level of understanding at that moment. You can only increase your level of understanding by sharing.

You are showing where you are at on your journey of self learning and discovery. You should not compare yourself to others, who are on different journeys and have different life lessons to learn.

SO I repeat YOU ARE NOT LAZY, you are just afraid and trying to ESCAPE but there is nothing to escape from. You are just sharing where you are at in your life journey.

Once you learn to be okay with your contribution not having to be perfect and just writing freely then you will feel better.

Try coming to the catbox and sharing, it will help you see how you can share what is inside of you, your ideas etc.

Gail, you are not alone and you are not lazy. You are just afraid of failing. But when you share you are not failing. You are just showing where you are on your learning curve. You shouldn't compare yourself to anyone else.

YOU ARE YOU and what you have to share is absolutely fine for where you are on your life journey.

I hope you and Gabriel join the catbox!!

BIG HUGS TO YOU BOTH for facing up to things not feeling quite okay Theressa  Thanks Theressa. I was wondering if you were going to sign your name this time. Giggle!


Hey Gabriel? You out there???? I'd like to hear from you!



Thursday, April 11, 2002

Gail, I have a couple of questions. 1) What got you started on this with your boyfriend? What was it that he did or said that made you think you had to worry about his feelings or loyalty to you, 2) Have you always been this way, with all boyfriends or is there something about this relationship that has made you feel so threatened by everything he says or does?

Lee K

Thursday, April 11, 2002

Lee K

I really don't know when this whole paranoia got started; I guess that it just evolved from my insecurities. Gabriel doesn’t do anything for me to feel that this way…well, most of the time. I have this obsession that he will find other women good looking...Every time he turns his head or we watch TV, or even a movie with a nudity in it I am overwhelmed with this horrible uncomfortable jealous feeling, that immediately makes me feel depressed and that he doesn’t love me. It is not that he saying out loud that he finds these women attractive, it is him thinking that, is what I of afraid of. If an attractive women was in a movie and there was a scene where she was nude, I get hieratically, just for the fact that he saw her naked. I just fear that he will become attractive to her. Even thought he tells me that he isn’t, I don’t believe him. I am sure that any guy would! So, I sense that he is lying to me. Even if he is telling the truth, and he truly is not attracted to her, I still get crazy.

If an attractive women walks by, I will automatically think that he finds her attractive, wants to turn around to look at her...It just makes me feel so uncomfortable... I know that all of this sounds silly and so ridiculous, but I just can’t help these feelings. I take it so far that if he found a women attractive besides me, that he being unfaithfully. I never really of had these feelings before with prior boyfriends. Once, a boyfriend of mine was infatuated with pornography, which gave me this same feeling, so we just ended up breaking up. I know that these feelings are insane, but I just can’t rationalize with myself when I am in the situation. But now, when the matter isn’t bothering me, I find it ridiculous and wish that I would never feel this way.


Thursday, April 11, 2002

Gail, I can see that these feelings you are having are taking over your good sense and rational thoughts. I think part of the reason is that you really believe that a couple of things that are just flat out not true. 1) You seem to believe that if someone is fleetingly, momentarily attracted to others it is a threat to a relationship, 2) You seem to believe that feelings of attraction are either or. Like he is either attracted to you or attracted to her, but not both and 30 his attraction to her, this totally inconsequent ional her, this person, on a movie screen, this person walking down the street who he doesn't know him from Adam is as important to him as you are. I get the sense that these are the erroneous thoughts driving this feeling. I want to state very emphatically that these beliefs are wrong. Fleeting, momentary feelings of attraction are never threats to long term relationships- it just doesn't happen that way. There is no either or about it. People can be attracted to many people on many levels and for many reasons for fleeting moments that go puff in the wind and don't mean a thing. Do not give these moments any more credence than they deserve, and do not believe that it is either you or her. There are not choices being made. He's with you. These attractions can never be as important to him as you. These people are fleeting images, puffs in the wind, inconsequential, not really real, not real in his life. Do not put yourself up against a fleeting light of attraction and find yourself wanting. You are more compelling than that. You are more important than that. The proof of that is that he is with you. He chooses to spend hours of time with you not just fleeting moments. Gail, you must put this all in proper perspective, you must see the threat to your relationship is not coming from the outside. Right now the only threat to your relationship seems to be from the inside, from what you are doing dwelling on this very inconsequential stuff, these meaningless moments in the life of your life with this man.

Friday, April 12, 2002

Just my opinion here...I don't think Gabriel has anything to do this. Correct. Obviously he is frustrated by this, yet cares about Gail. I don't think he needs to join a 12-step group and read codependency books. For his own sake, not Gail's, if Gabriel got into this accommodating his life for Gail's stuff, he sure does need to read this stuff!  I don't think he is either initiating or exacerbating the situation, and yet I believe there's a little bit of blame-shifting going on here, trying to pass off some of the responsibility for Gail's behavior to him. Then reread it. You're inserting that interpretation; it's not what I said..

Friday, April 12, 2002

Well, no one said that Gail is blaming Gabriel...If you know how to comprehend what you read, that you have already know that!

Saturday, April 13, 2002

No, I'm not saying Gail is blaming Gabriel for the way she is; she obviously knows something is going on with herself that she wants to deal with. What I am saying is that it seems to be implied that Gabriel is making things worse by how he deals with it.  He makes things worse for himSelf by how he deals with it. He also unwittingly enables Gail, but that's not the reason Gabriel needs to deal with his stuff.

GAIL - Did you look into getting some help? I haven't heard from Gabriel. Are you two still split up?  Doc

Sunday, April 14, 2002

No, we got back together that same night. We have actually got along really well since that major fight. He refuses to talk about anything dealing with this obsession that I have because he thinks that I will try to manipulate him and over react to something that he might say. He is really sensitive with this issue now because he thinks that every time it is brought up, we end up fighting really bad. So, I really can’t express all of my thoughts to him anymore. He is correct. It is your issue and you need to deal with it before you can talk with him about it.

I spoke with my mom about the majority of feelings that I have but, I am embarrassed to tell her about the obsession part. She seems to think that my laziness is due to my eating habits and sleep patterns and I don’t due my school work because I procrastinate and have no motivation or passion for the subject matter. However, she asked me see our family physician first to get a physical scheduled for next week and if I still have these problems afterwards that she will pay for a psychologist.  Your mom's explanation is typical for a lay person: depression is seen as lazyness. Your symptoms are classic. Print out the jealous obsession page and hand it to your doc. Let him evaluate you for depression with the proper information. Without that information, keep in mind that depression is missed in physical exams.

Monday, April 15, 2002

Hi Gail,

SLEEP does make us function better BUT this is not why you are procrastinating. You are procrastinating because you fear failing. False expectations appearing real. You have the expectation that you won't be good enough.

Gail also sometime we take on too much for the time we have. We need to fit in rest/replenish times in our schedule. For sometimes we procrastinate for it is the only way our bodies can get any rest.

Gail, I don't know your mom but I do know how unhelpful it is when someone tells you, YOU ARE LAZY. As I said in my last post you need to challenge your False expectations, what you think might happen, what you want to avoid e.g failing.

Gail, you have gotten loads of great advice here. I think things however, are too sensitive for you and Gabriel to discuss, maybe after some therapy on your own, you will understand more about yourself and then you can speak to Gabriel about it.

Take care Theressa

Monday, April 15, 2002

Hi Gail,

I was once in a position not so different from Gabriel's; my found myself having to avert seeing girls at long range; I would try to detect a skirt in the corner of my eye and ensure my gaze was then directed elsewhere; she became angry when I picked up her copy of Vogue on the table and accused me of staring at the model on the cover. She said if felt like her heart sank to the floor.

It was absolutely impossible to continue like that: spontaneity dies, a carefree ambiance dies - indeed it never lived, - and eventually all is successfully sabotaged.

I wish you well and feel that your acknowledging those irrational thoughts as irrational is a wonderful wonderful step forwards,

Zig  Thanks Zig.

Monday, April 15, 2002

Thanks guys for all the great advice and support. I really do appreciate it.

Gail Good. Then get yourself to your doc's office with that printout.

Monday, April 15, 2002

Would anyone like to comment on the other side of the coin? Example: your significant other makes a *point* of letting you know they are "looking" at other people, e.g.: making explicit comments about what they'd like to do sexually with the attractive person on TV; telling you they "have a crush" on a new co-worker, blatantly staring at someone else attractive, when they haven't told you that you looked good in a long time. If you say you don't like this or don't wish to hear it, you get accused of being jealous or insecure. I would guess maybe this falls under this site's list of covert abuse. However, I'd like to know where others draw the line with this sort of thing, or the Doc's comments about this turnabout. The "other side of the coin" is off topic and has nothing to do with this thread.

Tuesday, April 16, 2002


Sorry it has taken me so long to respond. My computer has been broke, and Melissa is right I wont talk about this with her. I am a very mentally strong person but I cant take anymore. Yippeee! I used to encourage her to talk to me about everything, and tell her that if talk about it we can make it better. If we talk about this she is bound to get upset at something I say. Then she will get so enraged, and it will be a night like when we sent this to you or worse. It is so hard to deal with the fact that almost everything I do makes her upset.

I am curious about your comment about how I enable her. What exactly do you mean. You're not doing it right now Gabriel. Enabling somebody is bending over backwards (and compromising yourSelf in the process) to accommodate to their sensitivities/stuff. Just be yourSelf and insist Melissa get some help. You cannot help you because she thinks it is you creating her problem. It's not! 

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

The last comment about the other side of the coin. I do none of that and Gail will agree with me on that.


Tuesday, April 16, 2002

Gabriel, I don't think that anybody is accusing you of being like that! I took the comment as a request for clarification on the opposite issue; but, again, that's off-topic.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

I used to be like Gail in a previous relationship. I realized later that my self esteem was so low that I knew that he could do better then me. I was afraid that by noticing other women, one day it all would click with him and he would finally realize how terrible I was and how much better he really could get. But at the time I failed to realize that when you love someone as much as he loved me (and not just physically), that in his eyes I was the most beautiful person in the world. I lost him because of my fear and low self esteem, don't let that happen to you. Gail, please let your doc evaluate you.

Gail sent me this poem Gabriel wrote for her about their relationship...


 Love can try a soul

Leaving life to appear black as coal

This is the dark side

That I didn’t think could coincide

With the breathtaking emotion

Which has caused me to have such devotion


How I long for the days

When I was in a blissful haze

The pleasant tone of her voice when I would call

How her love made me feel so tall

The security I felt

The way my touch made her melt

When I knew I would get a smile and kiss

That is what I miss


I used to feel like I was walking on air

Now I feel such despair

I didn’t have care

Running my fingers through her hair

It makes me want to scream it is not fair

That this has turned into such a nightmare

But it won’t help the situation

There are to many complications

Words and actions taken wrong

Explanations that take to long

Now bitterness ensues

And anger gets it dues

All this has caused me to change in unfathomable ways

I think back to how I was and I am amazed


All I wanted was to please the girl of my dreams

And I have caused her to utter such terrible screams

Will she love me tomorrow

Or will she let me go

I don’t know, I am so confused and concerned

But I tell you what I have learned

Love can enable a heart

Making the impossible easy to start

Or love can try a soul

Making a strong man a fraction of his former whole

As for me

Well we will have to wait and see

Dear Gabriel, Wow! You certainly have a way with words... Comments anyone? Ziggy?


Thursday, April 18, 2002

Gabriel also wrote this poem for me during our last fight.

What can I say to take the pain away

What can I do so you won't feel so blue

How can I express my sorrow over this mess

How can I let you know I won't let you go

For you I will wait forever even if that becomes never

What can I say except I love you


Friday, April 19, 2002

Gail and Gabriel, I hope you get help, as I have lived with a woman who has the same type of behavior. I truly can understand what it is you are going through.

Good Luck.

Dear Gail, please don't minimize your symptoms. You need to show the printout, especially the part with your symptoms to your family doc. Let us know, OK? Doc

Tuesday, April 23, 2002

Dear Gail, I wish you the very best in grappling with your jealousy. I think that, the sooner you can bring yourself to accept that straight men look at women and straight women look at men, the easier it will be for you (and Gabriel). My husband has a phrase that might help, "It's okay to look at the menu, as long as you eat at home." In other words, we're not going to stop men from looking at and admiring other women (because it's a natural, instinctive action that's hardwired into their brains), but as long as they just look and are treating us with love and respect, it's okay. No matter how much you want Gabriel to change, or how much he wants to change this behaviour, it's not going to happen. Perhaps you could focus on all the ways you feel good when he's around, or ways he shows his love for you to overcome your jealous feelings. Best of luck, Helen

Wednesday, April 24, 2002

Reading the comments in this forum has been very healing for me. I have a similar problem to Gail, and I have been driving my boyfriend nuts with it. He has learnt not to comment on other women's attractiveness to me, has restricted his socialising with a certain woman friend I find threatening, and is generally careful not to ogle women in front of me. Like Gail, I have an awareness of how destructive my jealousy is, but once the feelings take control they are very hard to stop. It's just such a feeling of utter worthlessness. I think I have some feelings of anger towards men, too, because of the way I have been treated in the past by some men. John (my boyfriend) gets angry at being lumped in with the guys who have used me sexually or behaved disrespectfully.

I have been to many counselors, and am currently seeing a psychologist, although I have not raised this particular issue with her yet. I feel ashamed and embarrassed at being this way, and some therapists have been fairly judgmental about it. Shame on them! I have read a number of books on jealousy and insecurity in relationships, and tried to gain insight into my feelings. But, like Gail, I still struggle with them regularly. I think it stems from my jealousy of my younger sister, who was always the outgoing, charming one who captured everyone's attention, while I was the quiet, shy one in the background. My father was (and still is, though not as badly now) a moody, distant man, and I had a very difficult relationship with him in my adolescence where he verbally abused me and sometimes hit me when he became very angry.

I found Gabriel's poems incredibly moving, and they brought me to tears. They made me realise how I push John away with my behaviour, when he has shown to me in many ways how much he loves me. I also like to write poems, and I might try doing that to deal with my jealous feelings in future. I've found it helpful in the past in dealing with other feelings.

I have shown this website to John, and he is supportive of it and says he wants to get onto it too. We both want to learn and grow, and do really love each other. Thank you to all those who've posted on this site for sharing your vulnerabilities and your loving support with others round the world.  Welcome aboard, both of you.

Elinor (Australia)  

Sunday, April 28, 2002

Is it possible that Gabriel sets this up in someway for Gail to be jealous......something is off here and while the obsessive -compulsive might be full blown now, this started somewhere ....Please Dr Irene address how the personalities mix and match here....Some people are not happy until they have the reassurance of a jealous mate....thanks Silver Spoon Dear Silver Spoon, I wish I had the time and inclination to go into this subject in detail, but right now, I don't. Suffice it to say that in my clinical judgment, other than perhaps some normal levels of human acting out, I don't get that Gabriel sets Gail up.

Tuesday, April 30, 2002

Silver Spoon, I see no sign either that Gabriel is "setting Gail up" to be jealous. He's been bending over backwards to avoid it. But I still think you're asking a valid question.

Accepting that these are indeed "obsessive-compulsive" anxieties on Gail's part, she could be subject to those anyway, with or without Gabriel. Problems like these might develop at any time. To that extent, all Gabriel had to do was simply be there in a close relationship with her, nothing more than that. Just by being her partner, he provided a focus for her anxieties. Once Gail had an emotional investment in a relationship she preferred not to lose, she then had something to be anxious about that she didn't have before. That much would happen regardless of what partner she chose. Maybe Gail's earlier boyfriend who was "infatuated with pornography" added something to her fears, but even then we can't ignore the extremeness of her constant anxiety.

However, it seems that Gail chose Gabriel, perhaps over some other possible partner, and stayed with him because he did respond to her fears. She's described him as "extremely sensitive." So possibly Gabriel, while trying to help and reassure Gail, has unwittingly encouraged the jealous obsessing, not by "provoking" it or "setting her up" for it in any way, but by the simple fact of rewarding it with responses. When faced with someone else's fears of this kind, it's a natural enough first step to to "explain oneself" by way of reassurance; but Gabriel refers to "explanations that take too long." He's explained, and eventually argued, over and over again. He's also rewarded the obsession to an extraordinary degree, by giving up clubs, parties and friends, and by staring at the ground while walking, unnaturally avoiding looking at other women in a normal manner.

In spite of that, the obsessing didn't go away. There had to be a time--and it should have come far earlier--for him to realize that what he's doing wasn't working, and to do something different. In between "explaining" and arguing on the one hand, and adapting to the obsession on the other, all of which reinforces it, the only sane alternative I could see for Gabriel is to stop doing any of them and refuse absolutely to discuss the jealousy any further. In other words, to behave normally and pointedly ignore any attempt to harp on about it--unless any discussion took a new and productive turn, such as how Gail might deal with it herself or get help. Or ultimately of course he could walk out, as anyone might if their partner was picking fights with them five days out of six no matter what they did. That can't be any fun. With so many sacrifices, the jealousy has virtually become "what the relationship is about."

Apparently Gabriel also accommodated the jealousy by avoiding any admission (if not denying outright) that he does find other women attractive--at least until recently. He felt he had to hide a normal part of himself from Gail's jealousy--and it is normal in a relationship to discuss now and then the fact that other people are attractive. I may wonder how far Gail (or any partner) might have guessed that he was avoiding an obvious truth, and at least tried to probe for it occasionally. In the end Gabriel did far better to say "yes, I do see other women as attractive," and that much is normal, so it's up to the partner to deal with it.

Coming back to what you said though, I think we'd have to admit that people enter and stay in a relationship because they're both getting something out of it, regardless of any complaints they have. This may not remain true later on, when people feel trapped in a bad relationship because they've invested heavily in terms of time, effort, money, children, or emotion, and don't want to cut their losses. But at some stage it's true, and some couples are both protecting each other from their insecurities. So if someone has a domineering partner, say, they may feel "my partner looks 'strong' and seems to 'know everything,' so I can lean on them and stop worrying about how weak I am myself." If their partner is abusive or has some other personal problem, then by focusing on trying to "cope with" or "fix" their partner they can avoid having to dwell on their own negative feelings about themselves--a "benefit" for them. We may see an element of this "fixing" in Gabriel's last poem: "What can I do to take the pain away?" Not that it isn't normal to want to help someone in pain, but he can't take this away, and he's kept on trying to his own great discomfort.

Simple possessiveness may be the most straightforward case of all. At least an insecure person with a possessive partner can feel reassured that "my partner isn't going to leave me"--though jealousy of course can cause fights that threaten their security in other ways. So yes, Gabriel might ask himself how far that's true of him, and whether he felt insecure with other partners in a way that he didn't with Gail, in the early months of the relationship anyway. Once again, there are clues to the importance of "security" in Gabriel's longer poem. But Gabriel didn't have to "set Gail up" to display jealousy. All he had to do was pick her as a partner in the first place!--and leave her to do the rest. Unfortunately he bit off more than he could chew, until Gail gets help anyway.

I hope Gail and/or Gabriel will drop in again some time and let everyone know how they're doing. Thank you.

Saturday, May 04, 2002

Monday, May 06, 2002

I feel the exact same way Gail! I don't find other men attractive because I just want one. I find myself looking at what my boyfriend stares at. I don't want him to have any female friends since I don't have any male friends. I am often depressed an always seem to need to be. I don't believe anything he says. I also put important things off and I am afraid to deal with them and I get stressed out. I am 20 and he is 26 which is good. Yazmin

Sunday, May 12, 2002

I have a comment in general. I think Dr. Irene is being too hard on Gail. Perhaps Gabriel needs to offer additional reinforcement to Gail, knowing that she is extra senstive to certain things (the threat of other women or his "attraction" to them). Is that so difficult to do for someone we "love" to offer additional support? Isn't that part of the job of a partnership/marriage to do what we can to help our partner be all she/he can be?

Sunday, May 12, 2002

I have a comment in general. I think Dr. Irene is being too hard on Gail. Perhaps Gabriel needs to offer additional reinforcement to Gail, knowing that she is extra senstive to certain things (the threat of other women or his "attraction" to them). Is that so difficult to do for someone we "love" to offer additional support? Isn't that part of the job of a partnership/marriage to do what we can to help our partner be all she/he can be?

Tuesday, May 14, 2002

I also always thought that I was supposed to help my partner be the best he could be. It took me quite a while to realize it is actualy my job to help myself be the best I can be and only then to help my partner help HIMSELF to be the best he can be. Giving in to the obsessions of your partner is not helping him/her and it certainly is not helping yourself. It may seem a game of words, but it is not. I have come to understand tha our most important obligation is and always will be to ourselves. But that certainly does not eman we can or must do whatever we like. It will not make us feel good or fulfilled in the end.

In this case I think Gail is trying to get Gabriel repare her insecurity by trying to control his feelings. She cannot do that. Even Gabriel cannot control his feelings, he can control the way he acts though. But by trying very hard not to show Gail he might like other women to, he constantly needs to repress his feelings which is not a good idea. And, what's more, it will not help. He cannot make her anxiety and fears about him liking other women better go away. ONly she can in accepting that there is no way that she can do anything about it if he would like other women better and accpeting that that would never mean she was not ok herself.

It's a hard road, but it is hers and in expecting him to do the work, she will never learn to do it herself.


Monday, May 20, 2002

I love my boyfriend but i can't stand his roomates girlfirend. When i think about her i get upset. I evan hate it when he hangs out with her now. He's know's I can't stand her but i do not forbid him to hang out with her. She and her boyfriend have been together for a super long time, they are getting marriend next year. I don't want to go to the wedding. I'm start to think about her alot, and i know that is totally nuts. Help!

Wednesday, June 05, 2002


Gail, you are not sick, jealous, obsessed. There is nothing wrong with you. But you do need to look inside to see there is something so beautiful about you, that others have so far not recognized it or pointed it out. And I'm here to point your light out to you.

Most people on this planet have very low animal-like standards,insist that men cannot feel a love high enough that they no longer want to put their seeds in others even into old age. And women are hardwired to continue to look for the sexiest man in the tribe to impregnate her, even though she's in love with another. Yet, you bypassed that, right? You no longer looked at attractive men in this way once in love with Gabrial.Right? It can be done, and you are superior for knowing it and wanting it.

The only problem is that you don't know you're superior.Once you discover this, and project this high level of inner security and loveability out, you will attract the men who are able to at least eventually reach this same high level of love to where Chippendale guys or Playboy bunnies are the jealous, insecure ones that need 'help' and are seen as unattractive at the soul level and simply manneguin-shaped outer shells. The desire for attraction to such lower-level 'shells' DOES go away not because they have lost their drives for pleasure. Far from it. And this is not because they 'pretend' to turn away when they actually want to 'look.' It is because they have found a love and a pleasure and a feeling that is so much higher, the other just doesn't compare anymore. It drops away effortlessly replaced by something even better.

As the others have said, you are insecure. But it's your insecurity that allows you to think their substandards of "looking at the menu but eating at home" are somehow on a higher plain than you. Don't fall for it. You are insecure, but your standards are not wrong. The delicious gourmet flavor that they have never savored is always at home, dessert, also. Don't feel you have to be the canned beans leftovers while your mate has to go to the Steakhouse to get arroused.

Only your method was flawed. They are right, you can't FORCE someone to go to a place you know is there, but they don't know exists yet.

Find your inner love, Gail. STick to your standards. There is not something wrong inside you, rather, there is something very good inside you that you're unaware of that you need to draw out. With all these people telling you that you're obsessed, jealous, sick, how can that beauty inside you ever come out?

Stick to your standards, Gail, but here's the secret... It is not a personality trait that most men start with and reveal. Our society has beaten it's potential out of them. It's a love that will develop over time. Even though you're more evolved and felt it immediately with yours, others either are not capable of this higher form of being, or have just forgotten and need time to 'get there.' Gabriel could not get 'there' because he didn't know there was any 'there there.' He was trying, but as you were advised, he was faking it and being co-dependent. It was a method that you were taught that helped cause this. You inside, however, are an angel knowing that beautiful, high potential love is waiting for those who will aim for it. Give a new love some time because he will have had this higher way of being beaten out of him also. Imagine being a male in a world that tells you you are sick if you don't 'look.' Believe me, I know. Much love from someone who found this type of love.

Friday, June 14, 2002


I am a 22 year old female and I feel exactly the same way you do. You are not alone, I am going through the same jealous obsession. I know how you feel. What you described in your letter It is like you are describing me. I was searching the net to find out if there is something really wrong with me. I am considering about breaking up with my boy. I also think if someone loves you they don't have to look at other people. Because I don't. I meet very good looking people but I never find my self perving at them.

Friday, June 14, 2002


I am a 22 year old female and I feel exactly the same way you do. You are not alone, I am going through the same jealous obsession. I know how you feel. What you described in your letter It is like you are describing me. I was searching the net to find out if there is something really wrong with me. I am considering about breaking up with my boy. I also think if someone loves you they don't have to look at other people. Because I don't. I meet very good looking people but I never find my self perving at them. Gil If you would like to talk to someone who understands you please email me at I live in Australia by the way.

Good Luck. Ines

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

hello well I have been in a relationship for 4 yrs and some months and I have become extremely jealous of everything my boyfriend does, if he looks at girls outside, on the tv even if he doesn't i accuse him. I have gained a fair amount of weight and i fell like i will lose hime because I do not feel attractive anymore but I think i will lose hime because of my jealousy.... I need help and he and I both do not want to break up, we love eachother and I do not know what to do!!!! I am in desperate need of help.

Wednesday, June 19, 2002

hello my name is Mary, well I have been in a relationship for 4 yrs and some months and I have become extremely jealous of everything my boyfriend does, if he looks at girls outside, on the tv even if he doesn't i accuse him. I have gained a fair amount of weight and i fell like i will lose hime because I do not feel attractive anymore but I think i will lose hime because of my jealousy.... I need help and he and I both do not want to break up, we love eachother and I do not know what to do!!!! I am in desperate need of help.

Thursday, June 20, 2002

God Bless Gail!!! You're a pioneer among women... a rising force that's going to be reckoned with soon on this planet. Women might seem "equal" in some respects, and not degraded or abused as greatly as the poor Middle Eastern women are, however American women are STILL being abused only now on a very subtle, cunning level by the media, society and people with low morals everywhere.

Gail, I believe you are Right On!! I "get" the obsession and the anxiety, it's there, and you might have to do something about it, however, trust me wheb I tell you your anxiety, obsession is there for a reason!!! (are you listening DOC????) If one truly examines the society we live in today (2002) with its lose morals, blatant sexism and degradation of women, its no wonder many, many women are feeling like shit. Women are still being degraded, betrayed and lied to. So of course we're untrusting!! Men ARE being tempted every which way in society then the good men have to LIE about it to their mates and women KNOW they are lying. This sets up distrust, anxiety. Women are really so ANGRY its coming all over the place, as anxiety which is more acceptable since women aren't "socialized" to express their anger/rage. AND, p.s. Doc, thoughts ARE energy. Thoughts are 1 step away from action. So, even if a Gabe's not 'acting' on a thought, the fact a thought is still there in her guy's head, isn't good, especially if it's a thought which objectifies a woman. Women aren't here on this earth to "be looked at" for their beauty. We have FAR greater purpose. Women don't look at men and objectify them, and then have "guilt" about the "thoughts" in their head and have to "lie and hide" their thoughts from a mate. Some women might have these thoughts, however these women are, again, like the majority of men who "look" albeit innocently, unsatisfied with life and are in some way looking "outside" themselves for "something." Perhaps they are oversexed or simply not living on a higher plane consciously, whatever it is, whatever it is they are looking for in a "pretty woman" (or man for that sake) this something can be found inside themselves. Its never found "outside".

Even in 2002 we hear, "its a man's world" concepts being thrown about, with their insidious comments in the media & society (commercials, jokes depicting the "nagging wife", the "jealous wife") still trying to keep a hold on women in society today. The fact these "its a man's world" thoughts are as out dated as the men that believe them.

I belive many women are having the same feelings and thoughts as Gail is having. Women are not to blame for these thoughts. They are 'natural' as are men's thoughts and actions when looking at an attractive woman. Its HOW these thoughts actions affect each other that is the crux of Gail and Gabe's problem. True love and respect for the other would never allow this to happen, despite the temptations about you in society. So Gabe's not off the hook.

Simply stated, the "attention" given to the "attractive" women vs. non-attractive women is seductive to men and women alike. Skimpier clothing is being designed to satisfy this low need in people, (i.e. see-thur shirts and 'thongs'). Other women acting out on this basic lure they have (sexiness) doesn't make other women feel safe or respected. Both women and men need lessons in dignity and self respect today.

So, I don't blame Gail one bit, its not HER so much as society and its lowered morals AND society's "blaming" of women being jealous, insecure, etc. And, why is it we have to "put up" with naked women in almost every TV cable movie these days? Why not flash naked men around with the same abandon???? Ok? Get my point? Why isn't it that MEN are sick because they are the objectifiers of women, and not that women are "insecure, jealous". Why aren't men who "innocently look at other women" called what they really should be called, chauvinist objectifiers of women who disrespect the dignity of females everywhere? Whena man is visually and physically stimulated beyond a CONTROL... wouldn't you call that an OBSESSION, Doc?

If this guy Gabriel had it all together and was living on a "higher plane" of conscious existence he'd see ALL women, not just the hourglass figured ones, for what they were, valuable, lovable, respectable, decent HUMAN BEINGS on this planet with a right to not have men STARE and fantasize.

I am sooooooooo sick of our medical community blaming the tortured ones and cajoling them into "change" or "medication" when a lot of times the aggressor who's done the damage to CAUSE this anxiety walks away scott free. Yes, that's right. Innocent as men may seem in this problem, I find Gail's story commonplace in American society today and have heard many other women say the same stuff over and over again.

I "get" her obsession to not be able to stop fixating on the problem, HOWEVER, I believe that when Gabe her "loyal and loving" beau GETS HONEST and aopologizes for his behaivor AND changes his thoughts and beliefs about women, THEN Gail will be okay. Only by then, she won't want Gabe and will have moved on!


A girl who's been on both sides of the fence and knows what I'm talking about!!!

feel free to email me at

Friday, June 21, 2002

yo gee , i wanna see, that yo homies aint workin there booties off ,

Saturday, June 22, 2002

Dear Readers, It's weird how jealousy can overcome our whole self without knowing it. I too have an extrememly jealous personality. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half and it seems as though as our relationship is lasting, I get more and more jealous. Just tonight I had an argument with him because of how I am. I honestly do not know what to do anymore :( He is also patient, kind, and an overall excellent boyfriend. But tonight I felt he had enought of me. I asked him to forgive me one last time...And he said "One last time huh?" He said if i do this again he will break up with me. I dont know whether to to believe him or not. I love him so much that I am willin'to do anything to keep him. I feel that I have such a jealous personality because my previous partners treated me badly and this is the one relationship that has been sooo good. I dont know what to do anymore...

Sunday, June 23, 2002


I just want to say thank you for sharing your story online. It might sound bad for me to say this, but it was nice to hear that there was someone else out there that has the same type of problems I do. I have become absolutely ridiculous in accusing my boyfriend of looking at other women. I will do anything it takes to prevent him from seeing another woman that I think he might enjoy looking at. When I think about it logically, I really believe that he is 100% faithful to me. I have to say that I don't really think he looks at other women. I can say that right now because he is not home right now and I am not in one of those situations. But as soon as we go somewhere or just watch tv, I am on the edge just waiting for something to show up that I think he might look at. It is awful because it ruins everything we do together and is destroying us. I have had obsessive-compulsive disorder all of my life, but I never realized that it affected me in so many ways. In the past, I would just be a neat freak and things like that, but now I am starting to think that my OCD is the cause of this problem too maybe. I think it is so hard because he is a great guy and like I said, I REALLY don't think he looks at other women but I can't seem to think that way when I am with him and there is any chance at all of another woman being close by. I don't ever worry about him doing things when I am not with him - isn't that crazy? I really trust him in that respect. But, when I am with him, I just can't stop myself from having these horrible feelings and then causing a terrible fight.


Thursday, September 26, 2002

i am heart broken, and yet joyful. i know her situation all too well. i feel exactly the same way, but not to that degree. i have been with the same man for 8 years, and he is so patient with me. i know that will change. gail, i really feel for you, and yet i am so angry. i think because i am the same way and i see it is as a major weakness. i hope that you are able to get help, not only for you and your boyfriend, but also because it means that i can as well. if you do find anything that helps you, please post again. and know that you are not alone, keep your head up and smile, and don't listen to the negative talk in your head, it is self defeating. sunnie

Friday, October 04, 2002

Gail, Hello....My name is Darlene...I am currently in a 1 yr 1 month relationship with my boyfriend. Recently things have changed between us. One night he just lay into me on the phone, that I was trying to control him, TOO jealous. No matter how I explain he CAN'T understand. I understand what you are going through, I TOO am trying to regain the healthy relationship and unfortunately I am EXTREMELY JEALOUS and he does what ever he wants. I have children and he don't. Good luck to you. I hope something gives soon for me also.

Monday, November 18, 2002

Dear Gail: I cannot believe how much I am like you. Its unbelievable. I am so jealous whenever my boyfriend even looks at another woman, especially petite blonds. I am the complete opposite. I am brunette and about 30 lbs overweight. Ive been laid off for a year now and have problems with my family also. I felt like I was reading about myself. I also have a good reason to be so jealous though, my boyfriend cheated on me online with several women. So I feel im justified in my behavior. Sometimes I feel so betrayed when he looks at other women because I also feel that if he really loved me he wouldnt need anyone else. I dont look at men in front of him. To tell you the truth I really dont look at other men because he's all I want and love him very much. I really try to hide my jealousy and distrust and cry over his looking at other women and his past betrayals to me. I find myself hating him so much sometimes I dont even want him near me. Please tell me how to handle my situation. Thank you

Tuesday, November 19, 2002

I was so happy and relieved to find this on the web. It's so reassuring to realize that I am not the only one that feels this way!! I've known for a while that I've needed help in this matter, but assumed it was just me "being a girl". However, I'm in a relationship with a great guy now (though I don't think it'll last), and I see it taking a huge toll on our relationship. We can be having a great night, and I'll start a fight because of Maxim magazine that I find in his bathroom. What really gets me, though, is the HARMFUL way I'll try to make up for it: over-excercising or starving myself to get the "perfect body" that will make him stop looking at others, sleeping with someone else so in case he is cheating I have "one up on him" (see why I doubt it'll last??), etc. I am scared about the person I am becoming. If I am feeling this way at 24, when I am in great shape and turning heads, how will I feel at 34?? Or 44?? I don't want anyone to say not to worry because I am young and attractive; I want to solve the problem. Whether or not our relationship goes anywhere, I know that I have to get over this for my own sake. I hate feeling this way and making myself sick over this. Perhaps one of the problems (or a stimulus of my problematic behavior) is the fact that in America, two major aspects of our culture are sex and competition. How do I go about getting help?? How do I look for a therapist??

Thursday, November 21, 2002

Friday, December 13, 2002

Gail, hello. My name is Heather. When I read your story I couldn't believe how much it reminds me of myself! I was so shocked! I felt like I was the only one out there who felt that way. We can get through this together if you want to. Please feel free to drop me an email. I hope to hear from you soon. Take Care, Heather

Monday, December 30, 2002

I swear I could have written these exact letters, minus the last paragraph in the second one. Reading this makes me hate myself that much more. It sucks to live this way. I can completely connect with Gail.

Friday, January 17, 2003

I have read this article with "shock". This describes my wifes exact behavor. I am not allowed to have cable TV, because she feels the exact same way. We are working toward getting proffessional help. I can say she is taking a depression medication (celexa) which is like night and day. If she does not take the medication, she is an absolute loonatic. She still is extremely jealous of everything, and I know I am partly to blame for stupid things I have said when I was a teenager. To her they were crushing blows, I cant take back. My only delemma is now we called a pshychiatrist and they cant see her untill the end of febuary. This is bad as she needs the help now. She meets all the simptoms of anxiety and severe depression. I have tried to end the relationship, and she will not leave saying she only loves me, and will never love anyone else. I dont think I can handle this crazy knockdown drag out jealousy of hers much longer. It has effected our family, and she is unable to watch our 7yr old son becaus of this. I only hope she will get this help soon. Jon

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

This type realtionship is doomed from the begining. If you do not love yourself you should not be with anyone else. Learn to love yourself and then and only then can you love, and be in a relationship. This problem is not only an issue of self-love but also a cause of immaturity.

Tuesday, March 18, 2003

oh my god..sounds just like me. I just lost my boyfriend because of the same thing. I am going to a therapist now.. I will be starting meds for anxiety attacks, some ocd symptoms..including this raging jealousy. I have tried to control it..but i only last a week or so..then blow up again. But i have the EXACT same reactions to the situations...unbelievable

Monday, April 21, 2003

Gail, I'm just like you, your not alone. hang in there Tonya

Monday, April 21, 2003

Gail, I'm just like you, your not alone. hang in there Tonya

Monday, April 21, 2003

she reminds me of my OC behaviors. i don't obsess about my g/f looking at other men though. if I see a man, who is nice looking,etc.,and she does too, sometimes i'll ask her her opinion on him? I've always been told that i am very handsome and my parents/sisters are very attractive and we all should be comfortable with sharing "all of our beauty"( LOL)with the world! I also think that this young woman has too much free time on her hands, from my own exp., and that does not help with this particular mindset!

Wednesday, May 21, 2003

Is there any way I can get in touch with Gail to see what has happened? Another person exeriencing the exact same thing here.......

Wednesday, May 28, 2003

i have the exact same problem as gail. it is part of a disorder i have called body dysmorphic disorder(BDD). i also have an obsessive personality and severe depression. everything that gail described is the same as me - it was nice and sad at the same time to know that i'm not alone in these horrible thoughts.

Thursday, May 29, 2003

Dear readers, I just read about Gail and Gabriel and I so surprised as it could be a blueprint for my own situtation with my partner. However, I have let this situation go on for some 13 years, I'm writing as the opressed, male part of the relationship. I know it must seem like I'm a wimp but I really am just a nice guy. I am not some kind of letch or pervert as I have been made to feel. when I was younger I was hardly a romeo either, so I'm not even the type. For the last eleven years (I fought to understand what was wrong for two) I have made every effort not to come into contact with members of the opposite sex in my working or private life. I don't watch films, tv, read magazines etc. On the rare occasions that I do leave the house I walk with my eyes cast on the space of floor just in front of my feet. She has made me feel utterly sub-normal and I have gone from a person who had a social circle numbering 100's to someone who knows no-one. She seems to hate me for that as well. As with everything I do she likes to find fault with it especially if it is a situation that she has created. I never argue back I just agree - I'd rather not be stabbed or have my stuff smashed up. My partner has had treatment for other facets of her compulsive/obsessive disorder but these have always focused on elements that will only do her any good i.e. to stop abusing herself. I have reached a point now where I utterly hate my life in every way and just want it to be over as soon as possible. I am so deeply depressed that I cease to care what new and spiteful methods of torture and abuse she dreams up for me. Maybe one day I will snap, I know it sounds crazy but I could quite see myself killing her and myself, just to end the misery that she inflicts on me. My advice to Gail would be - if you love someone, you must love them for what they are. Changing them will make them into someone or something else. Don't do to him what I've had done to me. Warmest regards Pete

Thursday, May 29, 2003

This comment is to the last person who wrote in (Pete). As a means to heal myself and to learn more about what is going on in both my relationship and in yours also, there are some key things I would be interested in knowing (mainly two). First, why do you stay with this woman. What makes it worth while? Second, in my view there has to be some incling some small way some even insignificant seeming thing that would make your significant other obsess over you looking at other women. Do you know what has caused her to even come up with the idea that you may be "looking?" The reason I ask, is because I am the obsessed, but my reasoning is that the reason I initially became obsessed is because I actually DID see him looking. However as much as this has progressed into an obsession, I do realize to be faulty. And I have learned that obsessors realize and/or recognize their problem, however even so, cannot seem to "break" their thought pattern. The thought at hand that we have all talked about in these submittals, doesn't effect just one person, but effects another and the relationship as a whole. So most importantly, disregarding everything I've just said above, what I am seeking the answer to first and foremost for my sake for "Pete's Sake" (haha) is how do you break this? It's not like hand washing or some other physical obsessive thing where you could say hold your hands behind your back as to prevent washing them just once more. But rather it is a created and invisible obsession in the mind. I beg and plead to speak or hear from anyone who has actually "broken" the obsession - who has experienced, learned, and regretted even possibly. In fear of losing a loving relationship, of being mislead, of losing my self.........

Friday, June 27, 2003

I just want to say that I am going through the exact same thing as she is. I could have written everything she did. I know what she's going through and how much pain it causes. It's hard. I am working on it myself in theraphy. It's a tough road as I have been working on this for a long time. I would love to be able to get in touch with you so that we can talk. Maybe help each other out. I actually got on-line to look for a support group for this kind of thing but am having trouble finding one. I feel like I am the only one that is like this. It seems like other women don't freak out like I do if their guy thinks another is attractive but I can't even stand the thought of it. I seriously could have written this post. I feel the same way about movies etc..... Anyway, I'd love to talk with you. My e-mail is Please write me soon! :-)

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

Thanks everyone for sharing, I just started researching this today though I should have years ago I think. It helped a lot reading your stories and realizing I am not alone and other people understand and have gone through this. I've always worried way way too much about really irrational, illogical things like this with every man I've had real feelings for, from what they look at, think, do when I'm not there, want, and mostly when they'll break my heart and dump me. I think a lot of it's insecurity and this certainty I'm just not enough...the thing is too that I know I do this and almost make up fantastic wild things to worry about, my b/f agrees there for sure, and I can't seem to stop. He told me just today I understand what I'm doing but can't seem to implement changes and he's right, I am smart enough and I realize the errors of my way and the havoc it's wreaking on him and me and us, yet I cannot seem to change that myself. I tried therapy once briefly and it didn't seem to help plus I couldn't afford it, and I've always been afraid of medications really but if that would let me be healthy and happy and have this relationship as it should be, and treat him how he deserves, then maybe it's worth it. I'm so terrified that I'm losing him, I know I'm already driving him away and killing off the joy in our love and he's already started leaving out information and admitted today he just won't tell me things when they have such bad irrational reactions, and I don't blame him one bit for that. He said he feels like he has something hanging over his head all the time worrying about how I'll react to something or what will bother me and stuff, and that's no healthy happy way to be with someone. He also told me point blank he has no intention of spending his life with someone who freaks out when he simply talks to another woman. I again totally see his point but well, I love him with all my heart, honestly feel he is the One for me and don't want to lose this. Even if I do, I don't want it to be for this reason, because I screwed it up and destroyed it. I hate feeling this way and I hate myself so much at times for these feelings I can't control, that I can see are irrational, and for my lack of self control to at least stop myself from mentioning them to him and inflicting them on him. I don't know the best path to healing but I want to change and fix this and I want it as fast as possible, I don't want to lose him and I don't want to live in this self-creating agony any more either. Suggestions? Should I seek therapy, try medication, can't I just somehow do this on my own with the right conditioning and practice and ways to replace these patterns with healthier ones? Maybe there are some good books on this? All I want is to overcome this, I think it would have so many good effects on my life in so many ways. Thanks everyone for listening and sharing. ~Newcomer

Thursday, July 17, 2003

dear Newcomer, it's been a while since I read this particular tread, as it is not really active anymore. Hope you will read this. I knwo how hard this is to work on. I have recently made a new appointment with my therapist, since I still cannot handle it andmy H. an I had a huge low up on the subject. Like you I know I am out of line, and usually I can handle him lloing at other women, just when he is seeing someone a bit too much i really freak. And somehow it seems that onwce you start freaking out it very hard to stop.... I know I need to stop obsessing, it helped me in the past. Its just that when you are down, or tired, you tend to fall back into old patterns. It's very important to snap out of it, and very hard :-( When I get that panicky, obsessed feeling, I try and do something physical, like cleaning, walking, anything to take the pressure of. I have noticed that I get panicky mostly, when I have no concrete things to do. So I find something to do. It helps, though part of still tries to tell me I am just being stupid, and I am right to feel so jealous and he is just pestering me. Still I know that is not tru. you need to start reminding yourself that you cannot control any one else, but you can control your own behaviour. Find a good therapist, and take your time to just sit with your feelings and slowly let ration get a grip again. You seem intelligent enough. i think you just have to jump in and take the risk and start trusting him as you have no other sane choice if you want your relation to survive. If you have a any real feeling he is cheating, which I do not get from your post, then act on that and get it behind you. If not, make a consicous decission you are going to strta trusting him NOW. Hang in there, I know how though this is. Love, AJ

Friday, July 18, 2003

Hello AJ, and thanks much for your response. I noticed this thread wasn't so active as I was reading but it still really helped to read the posts and know I'm not completely alone and things aren't as hopeless as I'd feared. :) Therapy is something I can't really afford just now, but I'm looking into it and types and such for when I can. My sister's actually given me some great ideas too, from her own therapy. I don't know if I can really overcome this without it in truth, but I'm tryign to do all I can while I save up and investigate further at least. I can definitely relate to what you're saying as to sometimes things seem really ok and then they go bad and worse, and I'm ok and sane and healthy when I don't start obsessing...but when I do over whatever stupid little thing, I can't seem to break that cycle and pattern and just stop myself. Even my b/f has commented on that, that I recognize the problem but "something breaks when you try to change that" heh, smart guy. :) Thank you and very much for your suggestion of keeping physically busy. I have noticed when I have a lot else going on and other responsibilities, all those worries take a back burner which is a relief to me. Also if I'm physically tired from something, I don't have the excess nervous energy to panic for no reason, so I'm trying to add more working out and physical things to my life and hope that will help too. You're so right that snapping out of these patterns is what I need and badly, and it is so so a dream where you know you're dreaming some nightmare but you just can't end it and wake up. Every part of me knows I'm wrong and must stop and yet somehow I keep picking away at my worries and making them worse and worse. And I definitely understand about that part that keeps insisting I'm right to worry. :( As for working on my own behavior yes, that is the key isn't it? To let go and know I cannot control anything nor anyone except me and my responses, and that is so scary. No, I have no feeling at all he's actually cheating, he is the most honest straightforward loyal guy I've ever known...he refuses to even go to strip clubs with the guys and many other things, I know I can and should trust him so much more than I do and he deserves a lot better from me. Thank you so much for your post AJ, that was really helpful and I appreciate the advice. :)

Friday, July 18, 2003

Dear Gail I am not a doctor. I have had much of the same problem most of my life. I am a 43 year old woman. 6 years ago I realized I was an alchoholic and went into rehab. Today I am a recovering alchoholic. All my life I have dealt with identical issues as yourself. Get help as the doctor suggested, get it now. I regret waiting so long to get the help that I turned to alchohol to numb my feelings. Under the influence, I was my darkside, the person I always wanted to be, however that was killing me and I would awaken with a hangover, I lost 4 jobs not to mention the DUI's get help before this gets you. You sound like a wonderful caring person who just wants to be loved so much. I can tell you that getting help is a life changing event. When I fail at something still today I struggle with insecurities and start getting jealous all over again. My jealousy stems from what others have that I do not. When I feel intimadated by people, and I am angered, all this is, is my saying to myself I want to be or look like them. Stop trying to write and re-write the lists. Just do it! You are avoiding doing it by continuing to re-write it. I found myself doing the same thing, when in fact all I wanted to be was perfect. Instead of just doing it I say I will, but it never gets done. I want to be the best at what I do, I want people to see great accomplishments that I have made, but if I keep going in the same direction and it is not working for me, I need to change that direction and take a different road, because the one I am on is a dead end. Struggling with this may take a lifetime. Find 1 thing you are good at and just do it. You still have to do chores as I call them and in our life on this planet their are always things we will not want to do. Do those first and do what you love next. You will see major rewards in the simple pleasures of life. You don't look at others because that is what you wish he not do. We always attract the opposite. Try looking at beautiful people and see what qualities they have that you would like to own. People are beautiful like flowers, its what you can give to the world not what the world can give to you. All this was learned through years of recovery. Today I still struggle, but being aware of my inner self has gained me confidence, and whats inside shows on the outside. Good Luck!

Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Dear Gail, I am suffering from the exact same problem and i am going to go seek help because i have realized that i really can't fix this on my own. And my wonderful boyfriend is going to come with me because we know we are soulmates but my head is just too much for either of us to bear!