Comments:  HeartBroken...

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Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyright© 1998-2004. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Thursday, November 25, 2004
12:53 AM

Dear Cathy, 10 years ago I was in your shoes, family problems too although different kind. I used to be strong and used my head more than my heart to make decisions. I did not want to get involved with the wrong kind of guy because I did not want to add to the emotional baggage I already had. There were lot of guys interested but I wanted to be careful. I met this guy very interested in me and I was also very interested. We clicked right away. We would talk every day and we would share so much that I felt very close to him. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I told him about my intentions and that I was not looking for a temporary relationship b/c the emotional heartache is too much. He was not sure about that and we were honest he wanted a year to see how things go. We were good friends and just felt the need to talk and meet on a daily basis. But as time went on I realized that he had girlfriends in the past which was OK with me. Then he would tell me that he was with someone else. It was very clear that he was seeing one more girl, I did not know more than that. One year went by. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this guy and we clicked so well that I was willing to wait to see if he can make a commitment to me. He could not, so I decided to move on. I was heartbroken and so was he. He knew if he asked me not to move on I would stay back for him. But he did not he knew that he cannot bring himself up to that. I could not understand what the reservation was. He cried when I left (many times), I did not want to go, but we were honest and knew what we cannot provide the other. We both miss not being together but sometimes that is the way it is. I wish you luck in your future. Be very careful. Be strong for yourself and give yourself a break too. I am in a abusive relationship right now. I am not sure how I ended up here especially when this is what I was trying to avoid. I am doing lot of reading and my wish (which may not come true) is to have a healthy relationship with my VA.

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Friday, November 26, 2004
01:20 AM

Dear Cathy: Oh, to be 22 again. You are such a bright young lady and have it so much more together than I did when I was your age! I allowed myself to be reeled in so many times so that I ended up married at age 21 and divorced 3 days after I turned 22. I made that oh, so co-dependent mistake: "If I just love him enough, he'll love me back just as much." It took me years to get to where you are now. It will get better. Therapy helps and so does attending a Co-dependents Anonymous group. Best of all, taking back the you that you lost will help repair the sagging lack of self esteem. You have so much ahead of you! Waste as little time as possible on the "If I had only" or the "I should haves" and concentrate on you. You do deserve a life partner that's honest and open and mature! You do deserve the best you that you can be. Dr. Irene is right! Some therapy, maybe some meds for the interim, and you'll be ready to take on the world again. Chelli

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Friday, November 26, 2004
09:13 AM

Hello World and Dr. Irene! It's Cathy again. I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! I have read Dr. Irene's advice over and over again, and gave myself all of Thursday to ponder things through. Thank you so much Dr. Irene for the great advice. I know that I can find somebody to love me better, I have to believe that I will be able to love stronger than ever once more. I had a really naive pre-conceived notion that first loves are the strongest loves, but I am starting to find out that this is not true. My first reaction when Dr. Irene said that I got too quickly involved with AJ was, "but I waited 2 years after me and "M" broke up before I got with AJ!" Ooops! I'm sorry Cathy; I read there was a much shorter gap. Well, whatever you did during that time, you didn't curb those dependent tendencies in love relationships. Often it takes more than just "getting a life" which is what the time alone is supposed to help you do. You may need to look more closely at what's going on inside you as you're getting involved/ are involved. Then I realized that it doesn't matter how much time I was single, it was the quality use of time being away. I had just started to work on mySelf, but I didn't give myself enough time before I got involved with AJ to do work more on myself. Lots of people work best at fixing these issues as they are experiencing them while in a relationship.

And of course 2 weeks after I got with AJ is when "M" saw us together and started his crud. Basically you're saying you hadn't had the time with AJ to "connect" more than you were already connected with M, even though it was 2 years later. He sure didn't waste anytime trying to get to me. I went backwards instead of forward. Yeah. He came in fast and used your history together to promise a bigger carrot that AJ possibly could have after only 2 weeks! Funny. I almost started to think of more things that "M" said and for a minute I almost wrote them down to Dr. Irene. "And he told my friend that one day he thinks we will end up together, and he said blah blah blah." And then some of the wisest words came to my head "Words, words, words! No action. Just another carrot on the stick!" His actions were opposite his words. Yes. Carrots. Didn't keep in touch, only talked to me most of the time when he had a few to drink. etc... Funny thing is that I actually told him something similar (that his actions don't match his words) in that letter I wrote him telling him to leave me alone. Your good impulses advised you well. Next time: listen! (And stay there!)

AJ is a great guy, but yes Dr. Irene, he is in the immature camp. He is trying to find his direction in life right now and is just not ready for a serious relationship. All my friends think that he really loves me and I can see he does in many ways. He always respected my decision to wait for sex and really did give me much more than "M" did, but I don't think he is/was ready for what I needed and I settled for less than I deserved. Maybe in the future things will work out, I don't know, but for now, I need to fall in love with mySelf and give myself time to explore this world and its' wonders. Yeah! A great role model in this world would have to be you Dr. Because you know yourSelf and do not compromise yourSelf, you are able to lead the life you lead and you are able to touch so many people with your work. I do my best - and my best is much better now at 52 that it was at your age! Lots of practice time!

I want to know mySelf and be strong so that I may be able to do what God intended for me to do in this world. Then start listening to your body, your inner voice - and stop trying to rationalize it when you don't like its message! I think it is wonderful how your name in Greek means "peace". You help guide people to find their own inner peace. So I woke up on Thursday morning and saw God's work around me. Though my family doesn't understand me so much, I do realize that they tried to love me the best they know how under their circumstances. I see that they actually have a lot of their own codependency problems. My dad was abused by his parents and was on his own since 16, and he took his pain out on my mom, blaming her for things that were not even her fault and always putting her down, but my mom verbally abused and neglected my brothers and I ever since she started taking prescription pills to deal with her pain.

But I want this cycle to stop right here! Yeah! I don't want to become an abuser and I saw myself fall into that pattern when i was with AJ. I am grateful for my brothers. I am grateful that in August, I realized there must be a connection with my upbringing and my codependence so I went onto Google, typed "verbal abuse" and found this website. I didn't even know what 'codependency' was and felt like a little light shone on me when I realized how much of what I read was me. I am grateful that I see that there are people out there that DO care and I am grateful that I can work on this problem I have now before I make more foolish decisions.

So I will take things One day at a time and I know that one day I can step into this world not as a hurting child, but as a grown woman. Keep at it and you will become that which you seek. Over time you will find yourself healthier and healthier, more and more internally connected. To the first woman that posted a reply, thank you. You have the power to make your wish come true. We all have the power to lead the life that we want to live. Just believe in yourself, as I know that I need to also believe in myself. That is the only way that we will realize that we are worthy of the wonderful things in life and not just settle for the middle. Just try to take things one step at a time like I will try to do. To Chelli, thank you for your advice because I can certainly be the queen of "should haves and would haves". I will definitely look into some kind of therapy because I know I have alot of work to do. Years of codependency and VA can't be erased over-night (however nice that may be)! Thank you all so much! and I will keep you updated! God Bless! Cathy

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Saturday, November 27, 2004
12:57 PM

Cathy, I turned to this site because it was referred to me by my therapist. I turned to your story because I am very Heart Broken at this time in my life. I fell deeply in love with someone and I believe this person is deeply in love with me. However, life has a way of taking crazy turns and twists. This relationship I was in showed me how very co-dependant I am. Thank you for the time you put into writing your story. I only wish I had learned all this about me at 22 and not at my age of 36. Best of luck......Thank you. DJW

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Sunday, November 28, 2004
01:31 AM

Thanks Cathy, I am the one who replied to you first. I started crying when you mentioned about me in your post. Thank you for the courage you give me. I know I have the power but the process is so hurtful. And just like before I cannot walk away; now I am married and now things are more complicated. I keep hearing that an abuser does not change unless he puts in hard work. I always wanted to take my husband for who he is and did not expect changes. Now I have to face the fact that I am going to demand changes in our relationship. One thing I have noticed is that when a family is not there to support you emotionally you start taking care of yourself and sometimes that is not enough. You need to find a replacement. For example I used to be able to take care of myself but now realizing that was not enough. If I had an emotionally supportive mom, I probably would be telling my mom what my H did in a normal course of business, she would have immediately spotted if something is wrong. She would have shown me the light right away. When we don't have family members who cannot support us in their respective roles it is like we are missing a teacher in our learning curve as adults, we should find friends who we can talk to who can help us see the truth. I think you are taking care of that part by coming here. Life just keeps getting complicated. Anyway good luck to you and thanks again for the courage. Regarding my old BF. I keep in touch with him on and off. He is married and has two kids I think he is a good husband (don't know for sure). Still don't know why he did not want that with me.

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Sunday, November 28, 2004
06:26 PM

Hi guys, this is Cathy again. To the first woman that replied, and then replied again. Thank you. I completely understand how difficult this can be. I completely agree that missing out on emotionally supportive parents has really affected us. I have also found that not having that foundation of support sometimes makes me think that maybe I don't deserve to be loved the way I want. See how un-OK and untrue our unchecked thoughts can be? It's learned stuff like this that helps you get into big trubble! And by increasing your awareness around thinking like this, you can eradicate it. The catchword for self-awareness these days is "mindfulness." Being so emotionally neglected I believe that we look to others for that support and we become extremely attached to whoever we fall in love with. We put all out hopes and dreams on that person, and when it does not work out, it seems as if the world comes crashing down and that we did something wrong. Yep. I believe that had I not been so emotionally needy, I could of realized and BELIEVED that i could of done so much better than "M" and mourned then moved on normally. Right. You would have never allowed him into your life. However, all it took was for him to say things that I longed to hear and I was under his control again because I listened to his jargon and became confused. Yes; I call it "wishful thinking."

Please try to talk to your husband about his behavior. If you do not then you might have to live with his abuse for a VERY long time and nothing will have changed. I know that in retrospect we know that we deserve better, that is why we long for better, but we have to BELIEVE that we deserve better. We have to put our words into action. Yes. And you can. It hurts and it is extremely difficult. Like I said in my last post, years of all this abuse cannot be reversed overnight, but I am slowly starting to believe that we can get better and that we do deserve better. YES! I have my ups and my down days but I take baby-steps to my dream (normal life). My first step I believe was finding this site. My second, was reading Codependent No More, my third praying more, my fourth writing to Dr. Irene, my fifth having this support group online. I don't want to hurt no more, and I know that nobody else does either and we wish somebody "wonderful" could just come into our lives and erase all this pain by giving us their full love and attention but in the end, it isn't their job to be perfect and make us feel good about ourselves; it is our responsibility to feel good about ourselves. I am happy though that you have decided to tell your husband you need more and that you have turned to this site for support. These are your baby steps to your goal. You also give me courage, thank you. To DJW, Thank you so much for your support. Knowing that people out there care and understand gives me hope and strength. Thank you all, God Bless. Cathy

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Monday, November 29, 2004
10:53 AM

Dear Cathy, I read your response and had to think before I could reply. My attitude used to be, I have to take care of myself and not go on victim trip b/c I will hurt myself in the long run. So I always picked myself up and went on. I never blamed my parents for not being there for me they have their reasons. But it still hurts. Fortunately for me my dad is my best friend now, unfortunately I lost my mom three months ago with no warning. I read Dr. Phil; he said that many people believe that they have to be in a relationship to be whole and that is not true. The moment you believe this you can let go and claim your power. It is true when you said that we should believe that we deserve better. I used to care for others b/c I know how I would feel to be taken care of. But somehow I never was able to take it with an open heart. I used to say if the other person did us wrong we should not do the same, two wrongs don't make right. But in the process I forgot to stop the wrong and now realizing that doing right is good but more important is to stop the bad coming to us and not tolerating it. My struggle to find answers were long. It took me this long to find this site. I started my baby steps in October. First was realizing that I am in a abusive relationship (what a shock), second finding this site, third reading books on verbal abuse, fourth working and implementing things that I learned from the books self caring, fifth the most difficult part putting a stop to abuse and the process continues... Good for you! My husband wants to change but he keeps going to his bad behaviour. I now see that his behaviour comes from the lack in his family system. He does not know about all the things I am doing to improve myself. I need to become strong before I tell him and ask him to do what I am doing. I am going to work on this till he is willing and if it gets worse than I am preparing myself to leave. I want to take the responsibility of raising my child and giving her the proper tools to deal with these issues. You are the future take care of yourself and take as much support as you need and know that each experience teaches you something new. First woman 

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Monday, November 29, 2004
11:21 AM

Hi First Woman, Cathy again. Wow, I had the same attitude as you. Do not go on a victim trip and move on. In the end, I think it did me more harm than good. Not that it would of been good to mope around all day and feel sorry for myself, but it would of been good to acknowledge that I was going through a lot and it is ok to sit back and mourn and reflect. I didn't do that. I always thought like you "nobody wants to hear other people's problems and everybody has problems so just suck it up and move on." Ouchhh! I really did have a double life, always smiling to the world. Well now, I can't ignore my problem because it has become unbearable. Today has been a hard day for me, I have just been thinking about all these things I should of done and what I did wrong etc.. But I am trying to keep positive thoughts. I have taken a baby step and am trying to locate a therapist :) by doing online research. Thank you so much for your support, please keep me updated. God Bless.

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Monday, November 29, 2004
03:02 PM

Hi, This is Cathy. I think I should mention one thing that I have left out that I think is very important. Okay, 2 years after me and M broke up, we were all at a friend's house. Under very bad judgment I decided that I was going to drink that night. (my first time drinking). Well I of course did not handle the alcohol very well and one of my girlfriends started up on how guys are jerks and all, which got me going on my fuse. See I had always tried to hide my pain and anger from M because everybody told me it's best to show that I don't care. Well I think I had had enough of his hot and cold behavior whenever we were together in social situations and I let him have it that night. I don't remember most of it but I was told that I called him many names, and even tried to hit him (but was not very effective given my state) before I started crying and apologizing to him ( I even told him I loved him) and then proceeding to puke the rest of the night. I think everybody was shocked cause I was always the non-drinker. 5 months after that night I got with AJ and that is when M started to tell me all those "nice, heart warming" feelings he had for me. I guess the reason I write this is to show that I totally see now, that I was an abuser and my intoxicated state is no excuse. You were never an abuser. You were a frustrated victim who finally blew when drunk and gave him some of what he deserved, unfortunately at your own expense.

Everybody was like he deserved it and it was your first time drinking, etc... but I have never let that make me think it was ok. It is like a badge of shame. STOP! Yes, getting drunk and giving it to him and then apologizing is not the best behavior in the world. I'm more upset that you apologized to him than that you let him have it! At I'm even more upset at your shame! You were angry and you had cause to be. The biggest problem was that you had to dis-inhibit yourself with alcohol to tell him how angry you were, and part of your recovery will consist of letting someone know how angry with them you are while you are sober. It's called being assertive. I have never done anything like that again after that. I still, 3 years later, am highly mortified even though I have asked God for forgiveness. Cathy, I can't imagine that God hasn't forgiven you! He gives us free will so we can learn from our mistakes (as you did). I think you haven't forgiven you! And part of your recovery will consist of forgiveness; of accepting what is and refraining from making value judgments, especially on you! Sometimes I feel like I deserve what I got because of this. Nonsense. I would like to know how can I get over this shame? Talking about what is shameful helps, so I'm glad you brought it up. Also, I hope you take my little lecture seriously to heart and start to forgive yourSelf already! You are human. You will make mistakes. From now until the day you die, you will do dumb things. A healthy person will not waste time feeling awful, they will forgive their mess ups and simply learn from the past so they can do things a little differently next time. Maybe this is why I feel lower than him sometimes. Don't you dare put you in the same category as him!!! You are being way, way too hard on yourself! The shame and being very hard on yourself are classic codependent traits; fix it! I guess I am looking for assurance that while I might of messed up that night and embarrassed him, that it doesn't make what he did to me right Right! before and after the fact Right. I acted like a psycho only once, and I don't even remember most of it, but this is a good example of how sometimes turning to negative things for pain only in the end hurts you. Yes it does. The Lesson: You had a right to be angry at him. Learn how to be assertive in the future. Better yet, learn now not to stick around this long in the future. And certainly rethink that shame! It makes no sense! God Bless, Cathy.

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
08:53 AM

Dear Cathy, Hang in there. You are doing good by working on yourself and realizing all these things. Sometimes it is very hard to concentrate on things, I face a lot of this too. I have to find a solution on how to start concentrating and start putting aside time to care for things that bother me. I am thinking if we can do this on a regular basis maybe than we can have more fulfilling life. My question is whether it is possible, maybe not. What do you think? Take care, I am working today I will check back again and try to respond to your post. First Woman

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
09:43 AM

Hey First Woman, Can I call you faith? :-) Yes I agree with you. First of all, taking time everyday to come on here gives me courage and reminds me that I am not alone. And I am grateful to you and everybody else who has given me advice and replied. Though lately I have been pessimistic, I am usually a VERY optimistic person. I do believe anything is possible. I think that you can have a more fulfilling life by doing things for yourself. The ultimate fulfillment is when you recognize that you are worthy of love and when you love yourself. Everything that you do for yourself will give you more strength, confidence and will allow you to learn something new about yourself. Yes. I know that it may be difficult for you to have time because you have a family but it is possible to find some time. Maybe you can go for a quiet walk everyday in the park with your child (not sure the age) in the stroller and reflect on things, or relax on a bench while watching him/her play. Nature always refreshes me. Or even giving yourself an extra twenty minutes at night for quiet reflection time can really have a lasting effect. When I am strong enough again, I would love to give some of my time to volunteering. What really helps me, especially on my bad days, is when I sit back and do think about all the wonderful things I have been blessed with. I just need to believe that I can do better and to believe that my ex is definitely not for me. I used to believe that but I guess his words really played with me Yes! , and now that he is engaged it is a real whopper.

However, like Dr. Irene said, I should be grateful that I did not get stuck with this booby prize. YES! However well he treats her (and A LOT better than me for the time being...), I know that he's selfish. The 2 out of the 3 years they were together, was when he was telling me how though he loves her, he also really loves me and cares for me and telling my friend how he thinks we will be together in the future and how he just really wants to be friends with me. Wow, some Romeo. Well said. When I write this i am like wow, I can't believe I even think about this guy and even wonder if I will ever find somebody to love like that again You will love even more. Love is about friendship; love is mature. This one was more about infatuation than love. Look here., but the thing now is that I realize my codependence is my reason I can't easily let go. I need his approval like a child needs approval. I should be thinking, who cares about his approval? Who cares if he loves somebody more than me? Yes. You should be thinking, "Do I like the way this guy treats me?" There is somebody out there that will love me and RESPECT me the way I deserve. Yeah! I don't want to be stuck in this rut anymore, I don't even know how I got here. But my goal, like yours, is to have a fulfilling life and not wonder about things that could of happened. I know it's hard letting go, and having a new way of thinking, but I know that I want to get over this and NEVER go/look back again. I want to start over (they say it's never to late) but with the knowledge and experience that I have gained. God Bless. Cathy. We don't start over Cathy; we add to what already is. And in your case, that's a good thing because you have a wonderful base: you are a lovely human being and while you don't value yourSelf yet, you know how to love. You have sensitivity. Those are things that are nearly impossible to learn. Learning how to value yourSelf is very doable.

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Tuesday, November 30, 2004
09:51 PM

Dear Cathy, you sound a little better in your last post. How are you doing on your concentration? It has been very hard for me to concentrate but I am trying to take things very slowly giving myself a lot of time to deal with my issues. I used to worry about becoming an abuser too, when I am hurt a lot I would start cursing in my head and then get mad at myself for being that way. I would be soooo upset with myself that I am thinking bad. Now imagine what kind of treatment I give myself if I say something out of line. Anyway now I notice myself why I think bad and then try to address the problem if I can. Excellent! You are being mindful of what's in your head, then you examine the content to see if it's true, if it makes sense, if it's constructive. Hopefully this way I will regain my peace of mind. I am also learning about setting boundaries, it is very helpful in caring for the self. Yes! This has been a breakthrough for me. Knowing what to do and how to follow through when your boundaries are broken is the difficult part to overcome. Regarding being pessimist I think it is good to have feelings and to reflect upon them. I think when you are pessimist just think about what it is that you are being pessimist about maybe you just need sometime. When I am in this kind of mode I just give myself a lot of time and give myself a very reachable/easy goal, this process gives me time to think/worry about an issue and at the same time gives me a little push that I can do it. These are the things I have been learning over the past couple of months. I am sure learning all of this and implementing them on ourselves takes time. I am not sure how long my recovery will take hopefully yours won't take that long. Keep an open mind with the experience that I have gone through I know that there are a lot of guys out there and lot of good ones too. Your challenge is to find the right one at the right time(when you are ready). Take your time better safe than sorry. If the right guy comes along he will definitely wait and won't rush you either. Faith (Yes you may call me that:) )

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004
08:34 AM

Good Morning Faith. My concentration fluctuates. I am just having a hard time ACCEPTING everything. Yesterday I was looking through Dr. Irene's site at alot of other things and 2 things jumped out on me. 1.) I realized that I WANT M's validation but i don't NEED anybody's validation but my own and Right. 2.) I did get suckered in the whole "perfect" beginning. Not that M was really verbally abusive. I think it was his actions such as ignoring me (which he did alot) That is abusive, emotionally abusive. We call that behavior passive-aggressive. when I would try to talk to him, and then his "repentance" which was full of hot air, I believe was a form of control yes, but since I needed his validation, I let myself be controlled by his words. Right. Lots of wishful thinking in there. When Hope Can Kill: Reclaiming Your Soul in a Romantic Relationship  is a good book to counteract that tendency. Realizing this has helped me some. I want to thank you for your advice. Your support has REALLY lifted me. Yes, I do need to sort through my pessimisstic feelings. I know my problem lies deeper than my relationship with M and AJ. I know that it lies within what happened in my childhood, but it comes out in my relationships. The insecurities and the dependence, and the inner child in me waiting to please other people and be loved in return. I will definently take my time in dating. I need to work on myself first. I can't wait around for a "perfect" man to love me, I need to love myself. It's just harder than I thought, all those years I just kept going, never took time to really understand myself. I was afraid I would fall apart if I took time, because I know that I had seen alot in my years. Well dear ME, it caught up to you now. Now that you have been used and abused and angry and even have become abusive yourself.

Many times when I was told that I was loved, I didn't believe it. Probably because the actions and the words didn't match, even if you really were loved. I have found a co-dependents anonymous group near my house so I think I will start attending. Great!  I am very proud of the steps that you are taking Faith. I know it seems like we will never get there, sometimes I do wonder if it is possible YES YES YES YES!, but if it was impossible, then Dr. Irene would of never established this site. Or it would have been much more pessimistic! Alot of people have told me that people never change. I never believed that. Basic character is very hard to change. Not respecting  yourSelf and needing validation is not part of your character. How you think and act in a love relationship is something you can change. What you Can Change... And What You Can't: The Complete Guide to Successful Self-Improvement  I think it is hard for people to change but I believe if they truly want the change and try, they will change. Thank you Dr. Irene for giving us the insight and the knowledge so that we may all become what we want to be. Thank you all for your support. Thank you Faith, keep me updated, and keep on being strong. God Bless, Cathy.

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004
10:15 AM

Hello Faith, i wrote my post, but I guess it did not go through, so I will write again. My concentration fluctuates. It feels as if I will be stuck in this rut forever, but I know it is not true, because Dr. Irene would of never established this site if people could not change! I think you may be depressed. Please hear what I said to you earlier on the initial page. I do believe that people can change, I always have, but they must really want the change and want to work for it. Yes. Like you want it. I found a CODA (codependents anonymous) group in my area so I am going to call them and ask them if I can join. I know that a lot of my anger, frustration, and pain in my last 2 relationships reflect much of the pain in my childhood but it is easier to take it out on my experiences with guys versus really talking about my family issues which were beyond my control. After browsing Dr. Irene's site more (this site is huge! :) )

I came upon some facts that opened another door:

1.) It was hard for me to accept the outcome with M because it did start out so "perfect" as I read that a lot of codependents experience that. It is unbelievable how much he has changed. He never really verbally abused me, but he did play mind games, ignoring me at his will, being nice at his will, rubbing things in my face etc. Emotional abuse and neglect. I guess I was looking for happiness in having a perfect relationship and when that didn't happen in the end, I was left up to my own devices to become happy. I really did get better and stronger, but since I did not deal with my serious issues, I easily got confused and hurt when M started saying all those things that I longed to hear which brings me to the second thing I realized yesterday.

2.) I WANTED his validation so bad. I wanted to know from him that I was good enough and lovable, so I openly allowed him to control me. Yep. Selling out. Diminishes your dignity. I guess that is why i took his engagement so hard because in a way he is letting me know that he loves somebody else and doesn't want me (no matter what he said). See, I still want his validation and that has to stop. It just shows how my happiness depends on one person, a person who doesn't even care. I know realize that the only validation I need is from me (and God). It is hard accepting all of this (he doesn't love me, I don't love myself). I think that now there is no way to look but up. Writing on here is very therapeutic to me. Then keep writing! The board will be on the left banner for months! Faith thank you so much for your advice and your support. Please keep me updated and I am very happy to hear that you are taking your steps to a better life. Like you I am setting boundaries and giving myself alot of time to heal and reflect. I am definitely taking time to fall in love with myself, instead of trying to find the "perfect" man to love me. Thank you all. God Bless. Cathy

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Wednesday, December 01, 2004
10:17 AM

oops. My original post did go through! Dr. Irene can you delete the 830a.m. one? Sorry! Thank you! Cathy Well, they were so different, I decided to leave them up. I hope that's OK... Let me know if it's not by email.

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Thursday, December 02, 2004
10:07 AM

Dear Cathy, I have been working on myself for sometime now b/c things were not working out. Since the time I found out about my abusive relationship I have been extra careful about my recovery. Although I do get depressed and tend to loose concentration, I try to stay focused. I have long term goals, short term goals, when I am depressed my goals take a back seat to be attended when I am ready, I have family, physical etc all kinds of issues in mind. I saw me when I read your story. I want to give you courage b/c life is a long journey and it never ends after one heartache. Life will come back with a new heartache. It is better to be prepared then be found dump stuck. I read this article today and found a lot of what is going on in my relationship. Lot of things I have already started changing but this is yet another validation of why we need to take care of ourselves in a healthy way (I think after I got married I put that part aside). Now I realize that I have to make myself responsible for my happiness and prepare myself for what may come. Here is the link http://women.msn.com/886301.armx?GT1=5936 take a look at it if you are interested. I did all the things this article said that could become boring about a spouse not realizing that times are changing. Please take care of yourself think about your future also while dealing with this pain and take care of yourself b/c no one else can do it better than you can. Faith

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Thursday, December 02, 2004
12:10 PM

Dear Faith, how I am blessed to have somebody like you to talk to. Thank you so much for your understanding and advice. Today is actually the best day I have had in a while. I think I am slowly getting a glimpse of light at the end of the tunnel. I know that the road ahead of you will be hard and bumpy. But in the end, I believe it will make you happier and will set a good example for your child. I am slowly starting to realize that the answer truly is inside of us. We just have to open our eyes to the self, and this is what your website has helped me do Dr. I know I still have a LONG road to go and much to figure out, but I can do it with truth and trust of myself. Yes.

What has been so hard for me Faith and I believe for you too has just been accepting the situation. And I tend to get stuck in the anger phase. I read Tex's abused guy tale and Dr. Irene gave him some hard-hitting advice that I can totally apply to myself. I shouldn't waste my time waiting for revenge, hoping that what goes around comes around to him. I see that sometimes you may wonder why your ex never wanted you, because you were so loving and caring. I know this hurts. But once you start to love yourself more, you will realize that some things are not meant to be and that you deserve so much better for yourself. I am hurt by the fact that I know that I was loving, and good and faithful and then I let him get an ego trip off my love for him You have no control over his ego trips. You did not "let" him go on an ego trip. He did it all alone. and that he is giving another person what I wanted, love, respect, time and affection. It was so hard for me to see him treat her sooo good when I got the short end of the stick and I was just obsessed with that. But now I am slowly starting to accept that he doesn't deserve my love and that it's his loss rather than "why did he do this to me?" Right. ask instead "Why did I hang around when I saw how he was treating me" and get those 2 books on the first page:

	He's Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo.
	Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl-A Woman's Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship by Sherry Argov.   (By the way, a "Bitch" is not really a bitch at all; just a girl who cares about herself, so don't get the wrong idea by the title!)

He knew I loved him so much and what is it about her that he couldn't give to me? Maybe she gave him a harder time - and he respected her for it... Read the book! and if he loves her so much than why does he say that he loves me and will never forget me, a lot of who he is because of me blah blah blah etc etc etc." and you know what, it feels good. It feels good to know that I can find better, I deserve better and that it is truly his loss. I am starting to finally believe it.

Faith I know that you can get to that point. I am so sure that so many people see so much good in you, just see it in yourself. You know what you are capable of. I am still also dealing with the breakup with AJ, which is also extremely hard, but AJ doesn't play with my mind (and even if he started too, I know now what to do). It is hard because he is trying so hard to make things work, even agreeing to counseling, but I have to find myself first before I decide what I can do. You're giving him a hard time! He'll be crazy for you! I felt so lost the last few months but I am slowly going uphill. I am still trying to make sense of my childhood, but I am realizing that I am not any lower than anybody because my parents neglected a lot of my emotional needs. It was hard, to watch a lot of my friends with supportive parents growing up. I had gone through many humiliating experiences. But now that I am older, I know that they can't emotionally control me anymore. I still love them, I know that they love me, but I realize now that they have a lot of unresolved personal issues between them and God knows when one or the other will take responsibility for themselves. Faith, you are very special, believe that and others (I am sure many already) will believe it too, I know that you are already on your road. I am going to make this next year the year of my new self. You have given me courage, I hope that I have given you courage. I know words can't describe what emotional turmoil that we are going through. I check this board frequently at home and at work so whenever you need to post please do. Maybe Dr. Irene can arrange it where we can swap e-mails. God Bless you, Cathy No problem. If Faith wants to, send this email and I'll take it from there.

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Thursday, December 02, 2004
02:09 PM

Hello Dr. Irene. Once again, thank you so much for your site. It truly is priceless. I see so much of other people's ideology in myself. I especially saw it in the case with Tex. I totally think like him and can easily get stuck on the same things. Because you are both warm, caring, sensitive, loving people - who don't yet value yourSelves enough. Your advice to him could easily been advice to me. I do tend to get caught up in thoughts of "an eye for an eye." So, when you find yourself there, just drop it since it's not helpful. Wow, I give the wrong people so much time and importance. I am going to try to channel all that energy to the right people, beginning with myself. I am already on the long road, but thank you for helping me discover there is a road. God Bless! Cathy

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Friday, December 03, 2004
12:37 PM

Hey Dr. I think that I am getting stuck in the guilty phase. I feel like I could of done more to help my parents out. And they could have done more to help you out. I feel guilty for not being there enough for my little brother. It wasn't your job dear... I feel guilty for my codependent phase with AJ. Why? Didn't you do the best you could back then? I feel like what happened with M was my fault because I could sometimes be paranoid and controlling when we were together because i felt like some of my needs were not getting met. Your fault? Gee... That puts you on par with God! Are you really that all-powerful? I know that 2 wrongs do not make a right, so me being codependent doesn't necessarily warrant for example "m" to play with my feelings a long time after we broke up and being hot and cold to me and it doesn't warrant AJ to not have been supportive during my time of need. Are some of these things my fault? Don't think "fault"; think "responsibility." You are responsible to you for your happiness. M and AJ are each responsible to themselves for their happiness. You need boundaries young lady! This is a great book on boundaries and it is from a Christian perspective, which I think may work best for you: Boundaries: When to say Yes, When to Say No, To Take Control of Your Life    

Maybe my behavior caused certain reactions. I am just confused. I was stuck in the anger phase back in September, i feel like I have gotten a lot of that out, but now I am stuck in the guilty phase (as in I caused people to hurt me because of the way I am and I hurt them guilt is also a symptom of depression...) and I know that it won't get me anywhere. Do you have any suggestions on what I can do to pull myself out of it? Examine the guilt logically. Also, I reviewed the site Faith posted below and I think it's excellent! Kind of like on-line cognitive behavior therapy - from a reputable source! Thanks so much doctor. God Bless. Cathy. You are very welcome dear Cathy. You are on your way. Now get to reading all these books! Just keep hitting the issues  from any and all directions that interest you. No way is a wrong way! One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. Eventually you get there. Promise! May God bless you. Dr. Irene, December 3, 2004.

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Friday, December 03, 2004
01:07 PM

Hi Cathy, I cannot write much busy at work and home. Take a look at this site. One of the posters at catbox mentioned about this. Let me know if you find it helpful http://moodgym.anu.edu.au Faith Thanks for the link Faith. This is a wonderful site! Cathy, please go and do the whole program!

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Monday, December 06, 2004
08:37 AM

Good Morning. Wow, what a difference this week than last week. I read all of Dr. Irene's comments and gave myself time over the weekend to think about all of this and to just think alot of things through. I am alot better this week. I know there is alot of work to be done, but I really have the most hope right now than I have had in a while. I went and bought Beyond Codependency and started reading that. I am of course going to order the books that Dr. Irene recommended. :-). Even yesterday, I took a step. I was talking to AJ on the phone and in the middle of the conversation he told me he had to go because he was in the middle of something. So when he called back, the first thing he did was apologize but I told him that next time we talk on the phone, I need for him to be somewhere quiet, where he can give me his attention because I won't talk to him any other way. He felt like i attacked him because he apologized right away, but I told him that I'm not trying to attack him, but just letting him know that I need his full time and attention, not to just be interrupted in the middle of something because he is doing a million things at once. I told him that I didn't need his sorry, I just need for him not to do that again. He agreed and understood and without us arguing! Now I am starting to realize ways in which I can demand respect because all throughout our relationship we would talk on the phone and sometimes we would argue because he wasn't listening because he was watching TV or on the computer, or just randomly interrupted, but instead of arguing I just let him know that I wouldn't talk to him under those circumstances and that was that! I am going to take my recovery day-by-day, but I feel so much stronger and there is still alot of strength for me to gain. Dr. Irene, Thank you soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much for putting so many things into perspective for me. Your website and advice and of course YOU are priceless! Thank you so much for your hard work. Words can't even express my graditude for you! Faith, thank you soooo much also for your support and sharing your thoughts and story. I started to do the moodygym and it really really helps! Thank you all so much, I will check back later! God Bless, Cathy.

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Tuesday, December 07, 2004
09:46 AM

OOPS! Dr. irene, I originally accidently posted this under "loving home" interactive board. I was reading it earlier and didn't realize that I was posting on it. Can you please delete it under loving home? Thank you! Im sorry! Hi Dr. Irene and everybody. Wow, I love this interactive board. Kind of like an online journal that talks back! I had a rough morning because of my parents. See I still live at home because in my culture girls aren't supposed to really move out until they are married, but I am trying to think of ways to move out because living at home is only making things worse. Like I said, things are better overall, but there are so many problems there. My father never ever wants to admit his wrongs. In fact, he hides behind the fact that my mom used pills and acted crazy to make him look like the good guy. But my mom, spends all her time focusing on my father (and waiting for his sorry and approval) and seething with anger because of his past treatment with her. So when she gets in her "moods" she will complain and complain and complain even more, telling me (very sick) things that I dont particularly care to hear about my father. Then my dad calls up his family and tells them what a bad wife and mother she is because of her taking the pills and not taking care of us and blah blah blah. I mean, this is not a good example of a loving relationship for me or my brothers. I can see this childhood affecting all of us, especially me and my 2 older brothers. I don't even care what they do anymore. I already told them that living there makes me miserable and that we should get family counseling but God forbid somebody might have to apologize. I shouldn't have to pay for their mistakes. For example, when my mom was heavily onto pills she maxed out 2 credit cards (In my name!!!!!) and hid the bills from my dad and of course, all the creditors were hounding me in college and in short, I have no credit. Eventually my dad paid them, but he took my mom out of all the accounts and everything. Now she is depressed because she has to ask my dad for any money. She feels like she isn't a part of the family because her name isn't on anything. She has a point that he should be supporting her (she has always been a housewife) but I don't know if I should confront my dad. I kinda tried once but it didn't work out right and my dad's health isn't the best. I don't know what to do. My mom sometimes gets mad at us kids and says that we never stood up for her, but alot of those times, we were just kids, what could of we done? I do feel guilty about not standing up to my father for her more. I was scared. But my dad has his days when he goes off on us and then we have our good days. But, I really think that this screwed up environment is like slow poison and I think seeing this as a "loving relationship" has really caused me problems. Everything that my mom has done has been for my dad, not her, not us, but for my dad. The pills, she didnt want to stop taking them unless my dad forced her to go to rehab, which he never did. And stayed up too late at night waiting for him (we are in a night business) and couldnt wake up to take us to school etc, or saying the reason she took pills was because none of us kids ever did housework so she had to do it all to hide my dad's abuse.... I saw myself falling into the same pattern with M. Not to the same degree, but I was waiting for his approval which is bad enough. I mean we all had some really great moments, not all was bad, but overall, I am really starting to realize in what a sick environment I grew up in. I guess i didn't realize it before because I had to live in it, so I had to make the best of it. But now, I just graduated and I have a job (doesn't pay much at all) but once I get enough money saved up and find a roommate, i really think I will have to make that big move. It will be hard because I know i will be accused of being selfish and inconsiderate and etc... but I have to look out for me. Or, since I do want to go back to school, I might just go back sooner than expected. Either way, eventually I need to get on my own. Kind of hard to heal in a sick environment. Thank you for your support and for letting me sort out my feelings. This really helps me alot. God Bless you all. Cathy

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Wednesday, December 08, 2004
09:47 AM

Hi Cathy, I read your post and the replies with great interest. I sincerely appreciate everything you have experienced, and feel I have been in similar shoes. The comments which Dr. Irene posted will be helpful for me, as well. I felt ridiculous many times, and have repeated a pattern very similar. I am older than you and have made many choices in my life where I have allowed my emotions to govern my choices. I have also felt ridiculous!!!! At the present time I try to imagine myself sitting with my daughter (I don't have one but I imagine her) and I ask myself to put myself in a place where she is coming to me and explaining to me that she is in a relationship similar to the one I am allowing myself to participate in. I imagine she asks me what advice I would give her, and then I tell myself I should take that same advice and use it in action. Why is it that we are so capable sometimes of telling others how to take care of themselves or what they deserve in a relationship, and yet allow ourselves to accept less. Keep in mind that the "fantasy" person to fulfill all our expectations is not out there, just like we are not going to be able to fulfill someone elses fantasy expectations. However, I agree with Dr. Irene (wish she was my mother!!!) and think that when you allow yourself to focus on yourSelf and take care of your needs you will find all that you need in your life and then some. Nothing is perfect and all of these experiences are lessons in life. I will read your post again and I will read the books recommended because I truly believe that I could use the advice you got from Dr Irene. (and your strength at times is also worth complimenting!!!) Take care of yourself . . . do things for you . . . it is okay to be without a man . . . for awhile

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Wednesday, December 08, 2004
10:46 AM

Good morning! Thank you for posting. Imagining that I had a daughter is a great technique. It really hit at home. I have seen my mother put up with so much, and I see that trait in myself. I know that had I seen my mother stand up for herself and leave before she started to self-destruct herself, I probably would of had more faith and courage to not put up with So much. I would never want to see my future (god willing) kids to see their mother abused and go through what I have went through. When they see all that, I truly believe it lowers their self-esteem and traumatizes them. Many times, I felt like I was not good enough because of my family situation. It especially rang true with M because he came from such a strong supportive family, (very strong mother) and I loved talking with his mom and being around his way more normal family. It kind of opened up my eyes to how much my family was messed up. I cant quite explain why him having a supportive family is also another factor he was so hard to get over but it was. Now I am slowly realizing that just because my family has their issues, does not mean that I am not as worthy as a person from a supportive family. Thank you so much for your support and your kind words. I try to be strong. I really do love life, though just the past couple of years, I havent been able to feel it as much as I used to. I am usually a person that just gets enthralled in the little things in life. That is my goal to feel that again. And I do realize that I do not need a man in my life to love myself and be complete. I usually don't have a problem being single, just lately it's been harder (especially since all my friends are either married or engaged or in serious relationships!). I do feel alot more positive about things since I have had a great awakening. I know it will be a long road but I want the change so bad. My whole life i prayed for a normal family and a miracle to come and change them. I realize now that that couldnt exactly happen because my parents didn't take responsibility for themselves, but that doesnt mean that I cant have that in the future. I have been blessed in many ways, and finding this site was an answer to my prayers. Yes, Dr. Irene's advice is awesome! Ever since I started to really appreciate myself more ( another long road, but hopefully it will be traveled quickly) everything else seems to hurt less. I read through my posts, and I realize that as the posts go, i talk less and less about how hurt I am with my EXes and really start to sort through the root problem with my childhood and my self-esteem. I think my addiction to my EXes was just me trying to hold on to the feeling of being loved and accepted that I did temporarily experience in my relationships and didnt want to let go (since I feel like I really never got that from my parents). I mean when i was a child they were more loving, but when i hit around 9 or 10, that love wasnt so apparent. I was told that i should of been a boy since I got good grades (obviously cause boys need to get a good job to support a family) and when I was 14 i was overweight i was tormented by my WHOLE family. I was told that they were going to need 2 houses to marry me and etc... and my brothers constantly called me "fatass". In front of other people too, extremely humiliating, especially for a girl at the age of 14 or 15. (though my brothers are very nice to me now). My parents sometimes told them to stop, but many times let them tease me. When I lost some weight it seemed never good enough. Always seemed like there was another 10 pounds to lose. Never seemed so concerned though with my accomplishments in music or school. Sometimes I wonder how I never developed an eating disorder, though I have a distorted view of my body. Even to this day, my dad still sometimes tells me to take it easy on the bread even though i wear between a 6 and an 8. I kept a journal and my mom read it, making me feel very imposed on. Just things like that really add up. I am not trying to paint a monster picture of my parents, nor am I trying to start up a pity party for me, but I think these are things that A.) can help me me understand my codependency better and B.) Give a better background for Dr. Irene. I do realize the many things my parents have done for me and I do forgive them. I realize that they just had issues with their own selves and unfortunately my brothers and I paid the price. However, I do believe that forgive and forget is a myth. Cant just forget stuff like this, it will always leave a scar. But that scar will remind me of why I want to change and become independent and why abuse is NOT ok. Thank you so much for all the postings. Thank you Dr. Irene for your understanding (feels so good to know that I dont just have to "get over it, everybody goes through crap") and your guidance. God Bless. Cathy

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Friday, December 10, 2004
09:03 AM

Dear Cathy, I have been very busy with lot of stuff. I have finally gathered some strength and was able to focus on things that need my attention. I had been involved in reading up stuff on VA and coping/dealing with the issue that it was almost as if I was addicted to all this reading/self improvement. Kind of what you are going through. I am at a stage where I can start focusing on things and have tried to do that as much as possible. My H has started showing his abusiveness in different ways, as I have already read about it. His behaviour did not have that much effect on me b/c of the knowledge I have about this issue. Although it hurts I now know that I cannot rely on him. Yes, our childhood has a lot to do with the way we are today. But we still need to pick up ourselves mend our wounds, move on and watch out for the unexpected. Trying to learn to be independent is a little hard. I still struggle with issues when it comes to my H. Every little thing is a big deal and if it comes to issues about me, he will ignore the conversation or not engage or find another way to ignore. In the past I used to wait for the right time or mood. Now I know that this attitude will not change and I have to make decisions for myself and not depend on him. Take your time and make the right decision for your future. I am strong today b/c just like the 2nd poster wrote about talking to a child. I made a commitment to myself that I will not be abused in front of my child and I will give her the tools to defend herself. If god forbid my child is in this kind of a situation tomorrow I would want her to be strong and defend herself and that is why I stand up for myself. My major strength is my child. Take care Cathy you are getting there. I know you have faith in yourself be strong and you will find what you seek. Faith.

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Friday, December 10, 2004
10:54 AM

Good Morning! Is not knowledge so much power? Now that we have so much knowledge on verbal abuse and how to handle it, I feel like I can handle myself like a person on top versus trying to get my point across. I can see things from a "higher level". Just like now that you understand yourself and you H better, you can handle it much better because you have the knowledge to look through him and the knowledge on how to deal with it. Of course this doesn't make it ok. It just opens a new door to be able to deal with it in a 0 tolerance way. Yes our childhoods have affected us, but of course we know must move on, and we are already on our way. It hit me the other day, that my childhood is over. They have no control over me, nobody does, and I felt kind of empowered. I never have to feel ashamed or humilated or put up with any crap anymore because I am an adult. I have a choice, i have options. I am very proud of you Faith for taking so many steps for you and your daughter. We would never want our children in situations like that, but god forbid if they ever did, we would of course want to encourage them to respect themselves the best way possible, by showing that their mothers respect themselves. It is true that it is kind of hard to be independent. I am used to being pushed around and accepting whatever. But now, the more I do not deal with abuse, the more chains I break around me. Now that I have realized so many things, the situation with M doesn't bother even half as much (because I am starting to believe that regardless of my past, I am a special person!), and I know one day (hopefully soon) I won't even think about it at all. As far as AJ goes, I still am kind of dependent on him. A part of me wants to get back with him, but a part of me wants to go and explore. It is hard to let go cause of course I still care about him alot, but I will try to listen to myself and make a decision. And the research is addicting. It is like unquenchable thirst. I want to learn so much more because, the more I know, the more tools I have to change my situation. Thank you Faith for your support and sharing your story. Keep me updated as I will also. Thanks again Dr. Irene for this incredible site! Really, I feel like I have made the discovery of the century. I would really like to spread the website around people in my age group because many are clueless about codependency like I was (kinda makes you wonder about education levels these days). I even took a psychology course in college and never learned about it. I do see many people my age that put up with so much abuse and hopefully they will make a choice to read this information for their own benefit. God Bless. Cathy.

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Sunday, December 12, 2004
12:50 AM

Dear Cathy, I think I am beginning to start feeling down again. I have tried to start meeting friends and get back into doing stuff with friends. Unfortunately it has only helped me feel more bad about my situation. All our friends are progressing and we are dealing with issues like trying to respect each other and why it is important. I feel like we are stuck in square one and others are moving forward. I am not sure if this is an angry phase or jealously phase. I am just having a very hard time dealing with others success. It is not like I don't want them to be happy but it kind of reminds me of the times they used to be jealous of me when things did not bother me. I feel like they wanted me to face bad times and now they have their wish. I want people to be happy but not at my expense. I know I would just be very happy for my friends if things were not bad with me but I just don't understand why my moods have this kind of effect on my view of the outside world. I will try to do something productive hopefully it will make me stronger in dealing with this issue better tomorrow. Sorry I don't have any advise for you today. Faith.

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Sunday, December 12, 2004
01:25 AM

Dear Cathy, I think I am beginning to start feeling down again. I have tried to start meeting friends and get back into doing stuff with friends. Unfortunately it has only helped me feel more bad about my situation. All our friends are progressing and we are dealing with issues like trying to respect each other and why it is important. I feel like we are stuck in square one and others are moving forward. I am not sure if this is an angry phase or jealously phase. I am just having a very hard time dealing with others success. It is not like I don't want them to be happy but it kind of reminds me of the times they used to be jealous of me when things did not bother me. I feel like they wanted me to face bad times and now they have their wish. I want people to be happy but not at my expense. I know I would just be very happy for my friends if things were not bad with me but I just don't understand why my moods have this kind of effect on my view of the outside world. I will try to do something productive hopefully it will make me stronger in dealing with this issue better tomorrow. Sorry I don't have any advise for you today. Faith.

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Sunday, December 12, 2004
02:51 AM

Hi all I bumped into this page by total chance, trying to look up the full text of "this above all to thine own self be true." I found it, so I'm an Internet star ;-) However, that is not the reason for my posting. Faith, Cathy, I am an MD, with an MBA. I graduated with top clinical skills from medical school, SCUBA, play tennis, jetski, snow ski. I'm also still single at 42. Why? Because I have a weak leg and I'm small. One response would have been to grab the first person (or second, or Nth) for a relationship and defined myself by that, somehow made by interactions with other people define me, rather than the other way around. However, a long time ago, I decided that I didn't want a relationship, I wanted THE RELATIONSHIP. If I never find it, I will miss out on something others experience, but I am happy in myself. I balance it by enjoying this world in our brief time period in it. Sure I have periods when I am depressed to be alone, but one shakes oneself and moves on. Sometimes one needs a jolt to do so, therefore seeking professional help might be a good idea. Any day, I could bump into the one that I can connect with at all levels. It's sort of like Christmas - there are lots of presents under the tree, and you never know which will be for you, or what the wrapping hides. It's when one stops defining oneself by one's needs for another that one develops the poise that others find attractive. Find things that make you feel good - it might be a sunrise, a pet, achieving something in a hobby. And remember - there is no one in this world that cares as much about your well being and happiness as yourself. I've just read this again, and I'm not sure it's at all relevant. Oh well, I'll post anyway - if nothing else, it's amazing what you bump into on the Internet :-) Kind regards Mark

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Sunday, December 12, 2004
10:38 AM

Good morning Mark and Faith. Thank you for your postings. To Faith: I completely understand. Yesterday was a hard day for me as well. In Beyond Codependency, it alks about how everybody goes through relapse in recovery. Kind of 2 steps foward one step backwards. I guess that is what we are experiencing. Your comment about friends being jealous of you when their life sucks and then when your life sucks, it feels like they are happy really hit home. I can 100% sympathize with you. I even lost friendships when I started dating M because some friends were so rude to me. But guess what, when they got boyfriends after me and M broke up they were the sweetest things to me. So i thought, "ok this is high school." Well, many people are still that way. My friend that made moves on AJ, now can rest happy since she found a new Boyfriend, after I am going through a painful break up with AJ, and one reason is because of her. But it was obvious she was depressed before that. I wasn't jealous. I love my friends, I want nothing but the best for them, but it hurts when they seem to wish harm, then harm happens, and then they move on and laugh...almost rubbing things in your face. These "friends" aren't worth it. I do have a couple that have been nothing but supportive and never got jealous, and I hold them close to my heart. Why is it that they are that way Faith? Maybe because, when we took care of ourselves, we went to new limits? When I was chubbier, I worked out so much and lost weight and looked good. I WORKED for that, nothing to be jealous, they can work out too. I transferred from my first college to go to a better school, nothing to be jealous of, i STUDIED and STUDIED many hours to get good grades. I graduated in the standard 4 years and have a job. Once again, I WORKED for that and god blessed me. But no, none of this fell out of the sky, I had to WORK for it. Nothing to be jealous of. Yet, they still are. Your words Faith, might as well of been mine. I completely feel like you do. Just keep trying to be strong and you will take another 2 steps foward. That is all I can say because I am also trying to take my 2 steps foward. To be successful, we have to keep going towards our goal NO MATTER WHAT comes our way. Nobody was successful without facing major adversaries. And people wishing ill will towards us, is just a boulder on the road, but it can be an unimportant rock if we just rise above that (our integrity) and keep on going and not listening to them, but to our own self. To Mark: The point to where you are now, is where I am actually trying to be. Single and happy because life has more to offer than just finding THE RELATIONSHIP. Everything you wrote is relevant!! Sometimes I wonder if we all have soul-mates ( which i used to strongly believe we all did) or if only some people are blessed with the good fortune to find that person, just like some of us are blessed with intelligence or with good genes or whatever it is. And I am realizing that, in the end, we are responsible for our happiness, even though sometimes I just dont want to work for it. But I must think positive and keep moving. I want to experience life like I used to and more, with or without a partner. And it is true, you never know what will come up in life. We all have our plans, but God is the driver so i cant plan everything. Thank you for your kind words Mark and I am glad you find this website. Post as much as you want! Thank you Faith. I think you are stuck in the anger phase (i definently go in and out of it) but I believe that this is probably our hardest block. Cause we will stop being angry once we truly just love ourselves and progress in our lives. People will always be jealous and be there will be people that always want to see you down because they arent happy with themselves. I know that this is what we DONT want to be. If we can just get through this, I think everything else will be easier. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I really think that we are in VERY similar shoes, so we can definently understand eachother. I will keep you updated. God Bless. Cathy

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Sunday, December 12, 2004
04:07 PM

Thanks Cathy I do think we are either very alike or we are going through similar emotional phase. Mark I think Cathy hit it on the nail regarding your post. I am in a relationship but it is very unhealthy. Cathy thank you putting the light on the jealously situation. I guess I am just very angry and this is how it looks like for me. Today we had a major fight again for a simple issue. I think I was setting some boundaries on how we all including our child has a right to speak her mind and be respected for that. But being a VA it did not sit well with him. He just kept thinking that his feelings were hurt and the other person should not speak their mind. How is D to know that if she speaks her mind it would hurt his feelings. I do believe that VA's think we should be good mind readers. I gave strength to my D and told her that speaking ones mind is ok and if someone is hurt then we should address that issue. But the fight was sooo not OK and I have to find a way to control my emotions. My take away in this fight was to control myself next time somebody pushes my buttons To say what I mean and not get emotional. What you said is so true Cathy, but when we try to explain it to ourselves it has less effect than when it comes from someone else. Thanks. Faith

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Monday, December 13, 2004
08:45 AM

Good Morning Faith. YES, YES, YES!!! I think it is great that you are letting your daughter speak her mind! That is actually an issue I have been dealing with. Whenever I would be upset about something and I would tell my parents, they would be like "oh please, it's nothing, get over it, or so-so parents are way worse than us". Basically saying that my feelings were childish. I think this may be one reason why I don't like to express my feelings sometimes, in fear that somebody will think that I am too serious, or am a baby. Or, when I expressed my opinion about an issue that my parents didn't agree with, they would say that my thoughts are stupid and ignorant. I of course only realize the effect now. Now I am just working on being myself no matter what they say. if they don't like it, tough. I think it is so wonderful that you are standing up for yourself and your daughter. Of course it does not sit well with your husband...VA have to be in control, even controlling other people's thoughts and actions. My parents were the same way and sometimes I even could be when I felt threatened by somebody. But usually I would try to catch myself and tell that my opinion is not THE opinion. I am very proud of you for doing that. You are not only helping your daughter, but yourself. Keep it up Faith, we will get there. We are already on our way. I read that we need to surround ourselves with supportive, positive people and I am going to do that. Ironically, i find it harder to keep in touch with my normal friends versus the ones that arent as trustworthy. But I realized that I never felt confident enough to hang out with strong, confident people and surrounded myself with people that aren't as good for me. That is going to change now. Surround yourself with the friends that truly care, and the ones that are more vindictive, just walk past them. They won't help us in our recovery, rather they might inhibit it. Thanks Faith for being such a supportive friend. I know that I never met you in person, but I do feel a special bond with you. God Bless. Cathy.

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Monday, December 13, 2004
01:41 PM

Dear Cathy, I was so down today I just found out that my Dad cannot spend the holidays with us. Like you said two steps forward and one step back. Even if you are strong God will find a way to test our strength by putting some other road block. But then I was talking to someone else and noticed how they started giving me information as to what needs to be done in the future so he can come with no problem. Then I realized that I need to start working on the things that bother me so I can get myself out of it. Almost like if you are in a ditch, dig yourself out and if you cry the process will only take longer. I am still down but when I start to work on what is upseting me, I give myself a different kind of courage that I can get myself out of this one. I am just making myself stronger for future is all I am counting on right now and working on it. If we make ourselves stronger we in return make our well wishers stronger. Faith

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Monday, December 13, 2004
01:56 PM

Hey Faith, I am sorry about your dad not being able to make it for the holidays. I know how hard that can be, especially since you are going through this hard time. Usually when things like that come up, I try to focus on more postitive aspects such as to be grateful for what I do have. I know this can be hard, and sometimes I am so down, I lose sight of what I do have. Being strong does motivate some of our well-wishers. The best example of what we want to be is to live it. Am I tempted sometimes to go to the level of some of the people that hurt me? Yes I am! But I always remind myself that that is not the way I want to be and though it might give me some temporary relief, it won't solve the long-term underlying problem. I also agree that God is testing us. Faith is loving and trusting god not only in our good times, but also in our hard. It is ok to cry, I am just now letting myself believe that, as long as I keep walking. Sometimes I just let it all out, and I feel stronger and more peaceful afterwards. I have had a hard weekend too, being down and getting that haunting feeling that the only person for me is M, though I know I can do better. I know these will be lonlier holidays, as for my brother is in the army and I havent seen him in a year and wont see him until (god willing) April. But I will try to focus on the things God has Blessed me with. Keep being so strong faith, you motivate me! God Bless. Cathy

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004
01:43 PM

Good Afternoon Faith? How are you feeling today? I am doing okay (better than yesterday) today. I have been reading beyond codependency and just learning so much about my feelings. I also went back and read all of the posts again and am regaining new insight. I am learning that I am human and it's ok to mess up, as long as one realizes the mistake. I feel like the victim veil is slowly disappearing from me. You said in one of your posts that you see me walking in your shoes. It is true, we have extremely similar thought processes. Many things you say, could of just as easily been my words. I hope that you are having a positive day today. I know things have been tough, you have had an extremely hard year. I know things will get better for you because you are determined to make them better. Keep up being strong. We will make it past these tough times and lonlier holidays to meet better times and memories. God Bless. Cathy

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Tuesday, December 14, 2004
08:56 PM

Thanks for asking Cathy. I am doing ok just trying to focus and trying to get out of the mess I am in. I am so sorry to hear about your brother. May be once he is back you guys can share some special moments. One thing I have been meaning to tell you is that you have to get M out of your head before you get involved with any other guy(just like what Doc said). Otherwise I think you may get into a relationship with your eyes closed. I am not sure if that is what happened with me. Become content with yourself like Mark said and only then move forward. I know this getting over part is very hard but don't make a mistake of jumping out of a frying pan into the fire. Faith.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
10:15 AM

Good Morning Faith. I'm glad that you are ok and that you are focusing so hard on yourself. Yea, I am definently planning to spend some time with my brother when he comes home. It is frustrating because he was supposed to be home for the holidays as well but you know how everything with the army now is just in chaos. I may be wrong, but I can sense that you still are hurting over your ex. I know you loved him very much and his denial hurts you very much. But this is a codependent trait of ours, the needing for validation, maybe this is why we hurt so much after so many years. You are definently right. I need to get M out of my head. I am definently doing alot better now than i was 3 weeks ago. When I did start taking care of myself in the short months before I got together with AJ, I was not so much into M, because I had given up on him and worked on me. But, when M started saying those things I wanted to hear, I wasn't strong enough to keep moving. A part of me wants him to see me, and realize what he has lost and all that, but I don't NEED that. That is where the difference lies now. Before, i NEEDED that. I am slowly getting to the point where I don't even WANT that. Ever since I realized the value of the self and truly saw what games he played and the way he treated me as an object versus a person, I feel that I need his approval less and less.

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Wednesday, December 15, 2004
11:44 AM

Ok, I wrote the second half and then accidently deleted it, so here I am again. A part of me still wants to believe everything he said, and just believe that he can't express himself well, but I know better. I used to make excuses for him. But now I see that he was indeed very selfish. I even told him the last time he apologized and we had a "talk" that " Hey!, I have feelings too, and it is not cool for you to go back and forth, and that this was the last time I am going to let you talk to me, so if upu screw up again, then that's that". Well, he screwed up, and I stuck to my word. He never cared about my feelings, just wanted to get his own selfish satisfaction. I am glad that I did write him that letter, he would of never respected me if I didn't keep my word. But it hurts. I wonder why he likes to treat me like this (especially since he flaunts how good he treats his GF in my face) as I am sure you wonder why your ex did that to you, but you know, it doesn't matter why. If we love ourselves, then we should acknowledge that whatever happened happened and that there are better things for us out there. We have our life to live as they have theirs. Being codependent, it is hard to believe that there is better out there. Which is why we get stuck on trying to get love from people that can't give us what we need and deserve. But I know I have so much love to give and that he is missing out on something very special. I know my ex would LOVE for me to just be stuck on him forever while he flaunts all, but I will not let that happen anymore. I used to think to think about all my wrongs but I know that we are all human and I read Dr. Irene's words that we all make mistakes and we learn and grow from them. Faith, don't focus on whether your ex treats his wife well and why he didn't want that with you (which I know is a huge obstacle since I tend to focus on the same thing) but focus on realizing that you are so special and that there are better things for you out there. I know I need to live my life not based on proving myself to him or anybody but to myself. We need to believe that our happiness is out there and that we deserve it. That is my motivation for working on myself. To live life to the fullest. Thank you Faith for you words, story, advice and encouragement. God Bless, Cathy.

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Thursday, December 16, 2004
02:17 PM

Good afternoon. Man, I guess it is because of sleep, but I am really in a bad mood today, but got to keep going. Trying to think positive and not let this negativity get to me. There really is no Big reason why I should feel negative today. I just need to take this day by day. How are you doing today Faith? Ok guys, I will check back later. Cathy. God Bless.

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Monday, December 20, 2004
12:02 PM

AHHHH Put it under the wrong board again! Originally put it under Sheer frustration. Sorry! Good morning. I feel like I am getting better a little bit everyday. Yesterday night, I was watching these weddings and I got very sad. Not because I just wanted to get married, but because I want to find that kind of love. But I realize I have to start with me first. I feel emotionally numb compared to how I used to feel. It scares me sometimes, makes me feel like I will never be in love again, the kind that always makes your heart beat and stomach flutters and all. But I did wake up stronger this morning. last night I was just imagining M getting married and it upset me very much, but this morning, I realized more and more that he is not the kind of man I would ever want to marry. the person he used to be no longer is. I went to church on Saturday and confessed for the first time. It was a nice and freeing experience. I feel like I can start over with myself and God. I have been cold to AJ lately, and I feel horrible about it, but I just have a hard time being affectionate, because I realize more and more what I do deserve and what I didn't get. I guess I am "licking my wounds" but I hope that doesn't last too long. Ahhhh the road to freedom, so many booby traps along the way, we just have to learn how to recognize them early on before we fall in. I will check back later. God Bless. Cathy

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
12:18 AM

Hi Cathy, sorry I have not written anything. I am back to dealing with my VA H. It is a waste of energy on nothing useful. These are his words. I was like wow he atleast knows that this is not good. He claims to be changing but then we end up in a big fight so I just keep reminding him that we are not making any progress. Anyway, I try to shake it off as soon as possible and try to concentrate on things that are important to me and my personal growth and keep becoming more assertive every time we fight. He wants me to validate him but I am not sure how I should respond when he is getting a little better b/c I am always worried about him going back into VA deeper. So I show him how much more work there still is, he does not like it but I stand my ground. I guess this is tough love. On the note about my bf. I think I am over my bf. Lucky for me even though I put myself in a position to be talked into staying and get abused, my bf was honest and decent enough to not give me false promises. I was lucky that he did not play with my heart. Try to claim that power on your own without your bf giving it to you. Faith.

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
01:54 PM

Hey Faith! I am glad to hear from you! I think that you putting your foot down and keeping it down is the best thing you can do. It lets him know that you won't be pushed anymore. Sometimes in the past with AJ, I would cry because I knew he would soften up. Since I knew that would be result, I would cry more, which of course solved nothing. But if you softened up, then your husband will know that he can have his way. I don't like how he says that you are wasting your time and energy on nothing. I think that he is just defensive and doesn't want to work for the change. He should be saying that he knows he has issues and that the two of you can work them out. I had the same problem with AJ for validation. He thought doing one good deed meant that I should just forgive all his other mishaps. From what I have read and learned, it is good to acknowledge the good deed your husband has done, but let him know that from now on, those are the only acceptable behaviors. Me and AJ would always fight about alone time, (me wanting more time and him thinking half a night for a WHOLE weekend was ok). So he thought that if he gave me Friday, then next weekend (and more) we should go out with friends the whole weekend. So when I would say that this is not enough, then he would be like, we were just alone and you never notice when I do take you out alone. Don't forget that we were long-distance so we didn't see eachother that much, so alone time is crucial for any relationship, especially a long-distance relationship. But now I will never accept that kind of behavior. I don't ever want to be second again. I pray that your husband really accepts his behavior. He sounds like he has an idea of what he is doing, but isn't ready to accept responsibility yet. I am sure he will since he sees how hard you stand your ground. It has been hard lately. These are the first holidays that I have been so down. I feel alone, but I know I am not. God has blessed me with so much, just sometimes I think about what I want versus being grateful for what I have. AJ was supposed to come over Friday for X-mas eve so we can just watch a movie with my family and bake some goodies. I told him 3 weeks ago and he said he will definently come but of course, now he can't cause his parents are having a dinner party and he has to be there (suprise, not by far the first let-down). See, I have never met his parents because he says that they will give him a hard time about me (we are from 2 different cultures). Well, gee, My parents, especially my dad, didn't want me to date AJ either because of our different cultures but I fought for him. I invited him over for holidays and got into major fights with my dad about him and in the end, my parents accepted him. But he says that he is going through so much and that it would cause so much more trouble if he introduces me now. Well, I have heard 3 years worth of excuses in why he hasnt introduced me to his parents and now I told him to just forget about me and him getting back together because he is not thinking about how I feel. He says that I am being hard and selfish because i am not thinking about what he would go through, but for love, i fought for him for over a year to get him accepted. I told him that I am not selfish, but rather human, and 3 years is a long time. I bought him a dog for his birthday 2 years ago, his parents love that dog, yet I can't even come over to see that dog. Doesn't make sense. My conclusion: i deserve better than this. I don't want to fight for what I deserve, just the simple respect and decency to meet his parents or for time alone etc... He says "get back with me and you will see how i have changed, you havent noticed the things i already have changed" I say "prove to me that you changed then I will get back with you". I just don't know if I want to try anymore with him. I want to be happy and i told him that. As far as M goes, I know once i love myself more and more, my need for his validation and my anger will become less and less. It already has. Your strength motivates me Faith, keep on being so strong. I will check back later. God Bless. Cathy

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
11:08 PM

My trust has been completely gone. I am truly tired of playing a game and always coming up short. I am 55, i love him, but am not able to handle the deceit any longer. I have no place to go. I do love him since I have been 21 years old. Our paths parted, had children, divorced, got back together, and my belief in "Romancing The Stone" from the one man that I thought would never deceive me, especiaaly at this point in my life. He has joinged the Outlaws organization but I can't be with him in this because I have been raped by two that I said no to. Anyway, I find it hard since I found a letter signed by his girlfriend, and clothes. But, to leave.... no people are willing to take me on at this stage in my life. They say just let it go, but I am having a real hard. time. what to do?

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
11:09 PM

My trust has been completely gone. I am truly tired of playing a game and always coming up short. I am 55, i love him, but am not able to handle the deceit any longer. I have no place to go. I do love him since I have been 21 years old. Our paths parted, had children, divorced, got back together, and my belief in "Romancing The Stone" from the one man that I thought would never deceive me, especiaaly at this point in my life. He has joinged the Outlaws organization but I can't be with him in this because I have been raped by two that I said no to. Anyway, I find it hard since I found a letter signed by his girlfriend, and clothes. But, to leave.... no people are willing to take me on at this stage in my life. They say just let it go, but I am having a real hard. time. what to do?

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Wednesday, December 22, 2004
11:09 PM

My trust has been completely gone. I am truly tired of playing a game and always coming up short. I am 55, i love him, but am not able to handle the deceit any longer. I have no place to go. I do love him since I have been 21 years old. Our paths parted, had children, divorced, got back together, and my belief in "Romancing The Stone" from the one man that I thought would never deceive me, especiaaly at this point in my life. He has joinged the Outlaws organization but I can't be with him in this because I have been raped by two that I said no to. Anyway, I find it hard since I found a letter signed by his girlfriend, and clothes. But, to leave.... no people are willing to take me on at this stage in my life. They say just let it go, but I am having a real hard. time. what to do?

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Thursday, December 23, 2004
09:01 AM

Hey Lady, You seem very distraught by your message. First of all, you need to start thinking about what you want the rest of your life. 55 is not too old! If your husband is deceiving you and lying to you then walk. You have tried for 34 years, if things haven't gotten better since then, they will only get worse. People will want you at 55, or 65 or 75. You have to want yourself and love yourself first, then the love from others will come. If you don't love yourself, then you blind yourself to the many opportunities out there. Be strong and start living for what you want, not what your husband wants. I wish you the best of luck. God Bless. Cathy.

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Friday, December 24, 2004
10:06 AM

Did my mom ever piss me off today!! Last night I went to bed late (around 3) because I had to pick up my brother since his car battery died. This morning he woke me up at 9 to see if I can take him to pick up his car. After working all week, I was exhausted and I couldnt even talk so he went to ask my mom. My mom blew up and said how i was lazy and blah blah blah. Well she slept all day and night yesterday! She couldnt take him, but i was the lazy one. In the end I took my brother ( and it wasnt a big deal, I just had a hard time waking up) and I told her not to talk to me the whole day. I know it is X-mas Eve, but why did she start off the day in such a sour mood. It is sad we have to go through this. I am thinking normal interaction would of been, well, she must be tired so i will take my own son to the dealership. Or....well, maybe we should give her an extra half hour since gee...i have feelings! She had no right to say those things about me and my brother even tried to explain to her that I had gone to bed late since I picked him up late last night. It just hurts. Anyways, I hope you guys have a great X-mas eve and I will talk to yall later. God Bless. Cathy

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Sunday, December 26, 2004
09:37 AM

Dr. Irene, What about any books for guys who love women who just throw them away? Cathy, everyone who goes through this feels pathetic, since you love someone who didn't (won't can't whatever) love you back, and you still care -- logic says you shouldn't, but hearts don't listen. Also it may be harder to see that you loved an illusion than to believe something else (if you'd only...., if only...., maybe...)

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Tuesday, December 28, 2004
11:22 AM

To the guy that posted his reply, you have a good point. However, I don't think we mean to be like women who are heartbroken from men who are jerks. I think that I speak to anybody who has been thrown away. I have a couple of guy friends whose Ex-Girlfriends threw them away and they also are hurt like I am. Girls throw away guys just as easy as guys throw away girls. And yes, I am slowly trying to get better, and not say if only and etc...but rather have faith that God knows what is best for me and to move on and look foward to something even better and more beautiful. I agree that I loved an illusion. I thought that illusion loved me back. But accepting that I loved an illusion actually brings me hope. That someday, I will love somebody and they will love me back just as much as I love them. That is something that I have not experienced (at least not in the long term) and something I can look foward too. That will be the true love i want and am waiting for. I think i only experienced half of what should and can be. Thank you so much for your insight. Faith how were your holidays? How are you doing? I am looking foward to the new year. I am going to start to involve myself in different things to get myself out of this rut. I hope with the knowledge that I have gained that I can make this year so much more successful emotionally and I hope to gain emotional independence. Thank you all so much. God Bless. Cathy

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Saturday, January 01, 2005
11:01 AM

Happy New Year Cathy and everyone. I am having lot of issues at home. I am quite occupied dealing with my VA/EA and borderline PA. I think it is time to leave but I have to be very careful since I hear that these type of people escalate their abuse when you are leaving or left. Also I don't have a proper plan of how I will leave etc. Faith.

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Saturday, January 01, 2005
07:39 PM

I'm beginning to believe there is no such thing as true love. I read through this site and I think all the men I have been involved with have only been infatuation, but it sure feels like love. I don't know why women allow themselves to be treated the way we do. We deserve more. We give, and give, and give and expect nothing in return, which is exactly what we receive. Nothing. I'm afraid I'm giving up on love and happiness. I've been married 3 times, widdowed twice and 1 divorce and the relationship I am in now is nothing short of sick. I see these things, as we all do, but choose to overlook them. I've decided a life of solititude and celibacy is the best way to regain my sanity and self-respect. I just hope I am strong enough, and I wish you the best, Cathy, you are so young. Grab life for yourself while you can. Life is too short to live it in a relationship that makes you feel miserable......

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Sunday, January 02, 2005
07:44 PM

Happy New Year! Yes I have heard that people escalate their abuse but I also heard that sometimes they will do the opposite. Just drown you in sweetness hoping to change your mind and heart. Then go back to their old ways when you come back. Faith I pray that you everything does work out for you. If you need any support feel free to keep posting. Also, the catbox can help you alot too. I'm not sure if you are registered or not. I am very proud of you though for taking such control of your life. Just keep on moving. I believe that you will find what you are searching for. Yes life is too short to be miserable. I am starting to realize more and more that I should just let AJ go. He means well, but I am recognizing all the signs that he is not ready to give me what I need or want. I struggle sometimes with issues with my family and M. On New Years, I could of had a chance to see him. Some of my friends were going out in a group where he was going to be. But I didnt really press on going with them. As much as a part of me wanted him to see me looking nice and all, I decided that it would hurt me more in the end. I decided that I did not want to start off the new year with people who really don't care for me. I'm glad I didn't good. I had a nice New Years Eve night and I heard that he got so trashed that he started crying and just passed out. I did the right thing, I thought with my head and I am glad I started the New Year peacefully. Make this strength in me continue to my recovery. I think about where I was back in late November, the lowest of my lows. Wow, I mean, I just felt so worthless. Though I still have a long road, I can already see alot of progress. THank you all so much. Thank you Faith for your support. It means so much to me. God Bless. Cathy.

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Monday, January 03, 2005
10:18 AM

Hi guys, Happy New Year again. I feel so irked. The friend in my story that supposedly hit on AJ, but she said AJ likes her, that whole fiasco. Well she went out with my "old" group of friends on New Years. And I dont even know why since she doesnt like any of them and she thinks they are all "losers." Anyways, went M got completely trashed, her and her Boyfriend were the ones to take him home and all. Now, out of all the friends that M had there, why did she have to be the one to take him home and help him out. I told M in my letter to never talk to me or her again (cause he would always talk to her about his romantic Bull-crap). That kind of invalidated my letter and only left the door open for M to be buddy-buddy with her. I mean, I dont know, I think that M's Fiancee or his other friends should of been the first ones to take care of him. Ughhhh, Faith why do we hurt ourselves by associating ourselves with questionable friends. It goes back to our earlier discussion about how some friends dont support you and are actually happy when things get bad for you. I totally think if she wasnt more of a family friend that we wouldnt even keep in touch. And I have noticed that my friends that love me are always doing good for themselves and the ones that hurt me tend to not be doing so well. I dont know, it just sucks. I just am going to surround myself with positive people. And if her and M start hanging out, then I wont talk to her anymore. She knows what he did to me, she was active in it. And to be so cool with him still, that isnt a friend. Sorry, had to get this off my chest. In the meantime I am trying to involve myself in more positive things. I joined a community orchestra so i can keep playing, and am studying for the GRE and still reading my books on codependency. God Bless. Cathy

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Monday, January 03, 2005
11:20 AM

Dear Cathy, The incident that happened on New Years is bugging you. I think you would be better to analyze each and every thought that you are going through and explain your feelings to yourself. Why does it hurt you that M and the other girl may be buddy buddy. Things like this happen to me too. In my case I sometimes have felt left out even though it may have been my choice. Like you said surround yourself with positive that will definitely help but address what is bothering you also and why. Then come with solutions to protect your emotions in the future. Don't try to put it under the rug. Dr Irene let me know if I am off here. Good luck Cathy. Faith

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Monday, January 03, 2005
12:35 PM

Hey Faith, I think you are totally ON. I am going to take measures to protect myself in the future. I think I am just disappointed in the human race in general. I used to think that everybody is good, so discovering this isnt so sucks. I guess it is part of growing up! You are right that it should not bother me about M and my friend. I have better things to worry about, but I still have a sick attachment to M so until I can let it go, I have to use opportunities like this to let it go instead of letting it bother me. I am better than before about stuff like this, but I have to get to the point where I dont care. :-) Ahhhh, so many issues, so little time. How are you doing today Faith? I am not sure if you read my first post. I posted one about M and my "friend" and I posted one before that last night. I pray for your situation to get better and for your strength. I see how strong you are and I admire you. God Bless. Cathy

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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
12:26 AM

I never done this before and I am in so pain I dont know what to do! I tried to join this group and for people who have been seeing some on who said they loved me and then threw me away like a piece a trash. Cause I caught them with someone else after the had turned it around on me that I was the selfish one when I tried to confront them..She wont talk to me its the most hurtful thing that anyone has ever done to me.. My friends just keep telling that shes a bitch and to just get over but I dont know how my heart hurts and I feell all alone left to deal and they dont even care. I just need some one to talk to

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Wednesday, January 05, 2005
12:44 AM

I never done this before and I am in so pain I dont know what to do! I tried to join this group and for people who have been seeing some on who said they loved me and then threw me away like a piece a trash. Cause I caught them with someone else after the had turned it around on me that I was the selfish one when I tried to confront them..She wont talk to me its the most hurtful thing that anyone has ever done to me.. My friends just keep telling that shes a bitch and to just get over but I dont know how my heart hurts and I feell all alone left to deal and they dont even care. I just need some one to talk to

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Friday, January 07, 2005
08:40 AM

Hello last person. I know you feel alone and thrown away right now. My advice would be to just spend ALOT of time with the friends that you trust and get involved with activities. I know it hurts. Have you thought about joining the catbox for some support? This board is my therapy that helps me. Best of luck. TO Faith: Hey Faith, how are you doing? I know you are very busy dealing with your situation. I pray that everything is going well with you. Here nothing much. My friend had his b-day gathering last night and I saw M for the first time in a year and a half. It wasnt too wierd. I think he is over me (GOOD!) cause he didnt stare like he used to or anything. I just did my thing. I had a little to drink, so I think I was kind of loud in general but I definently was not drunk. ( I have a very low tolerance since I do not drink much at all). I am happy that it just turned out normal and I felt normal and I think he did too. Time to really move on. I am just working on my self and self-esteem right now. I have my great days and my not so great days, but don't we all. I am walking the road, slowly, but walking it. God Bless, Cathy.

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Monday, January 10, 2005
02:08 PM

Dear Cathy, I am doing ok but the emotional roller coaster is on. I have a lot of work to do but the tension in the house keeps me from doing my work. I am working on finding a counselor and finding a long term solution. It is a lot of work specially when I am already swammped with work. But I have to keep going and prioritize. Hope you are also preparing yourself for your future. That is the best we can do. Prepare yourself and protect yourself. God has a plan we just have to find strenghth within to withstand the hardships of his plan. Faith.

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Thursday, January 13, 2005
11:10 PM

Hey Faith! I am glad to hear that you keep on going so strong. I know it is overwhelming at times, but I know God gives us strength unexpectedly. You are right, I know GOd has his plan for us, and that happier days are ahead. I am trying to work on my issues and prioritize also. God Bless you Faith in your journey. I look foward to taking power for our lives and living free. Feel free to post any time you need support or just to update. God BLess, Cathy.

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Saturday, January 15, 2005
11:32 AM

Cathy, I found it..wow. Sounds so familiar. Your story and Dr. Irene's answers. Although my home life was not quite like yours, I never received the approval and attention from my mom that I needed. I took that and began "acting out" my rebelliousness by choosing "Mr. Wrong" after "Mr. Wrong" for many years after. You are so very lucky to be so young and have so much time ahead of you and you are very intelligent and insightful. I do the same with my pain as you, try to channel it through something positive like exercise. It helps. One of my questions of today was answered above. WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE ANGER? I want to yell and call him names for what he's done to me, I want to send her copies of all of the emails he's sent me, I want him to hurt like I am. But yes, that would in fact compromise my integrity as well and certainly not draw him to me...on the other hand, I find it impossible to let him get away with all of this and take no responsibility....I am so sorry for your situation with your mom. But AJ not being there is typical behavior. My dad died in August and "C" was completely unavailable for me...Actions sure do speak louder than words...PEACE..Lost

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Thursday, January 27, 2005
10:51 AM

Faith, how are you??? Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope all is good! God Bless. Cathy.

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Friday, January 28, 2005
12:14 AM

10 years ago I was just like you, Cathy. Everyone, even professionals and clergy gave me the same or similar advice given here, and I followed it to the letter. I found a new relationship with God, and, like they say, where God closes one door, He opens a window. And then He douses you with gasoline and pushes you out of it. 10 years and many heartbreaks later, I'm still like you, Cathy, except I've given up hope on things ever improving no matter how hard I try or pray. Eventually, you just die inside. "There's someone special out there just for you"? Yeah, I've heard that crap too for years. That's a myth that happy people tell each other. I lost the ability to feel love in my heart for anyone after about the fourth "someone special". I'm almost certain that my "someone special", "true love", "soul mate", etc. was hit by a train long before our scheduled meeting. I'm not trying to be a "glass is half-empty" person, but I just want you to know, Cathy, that sometimes it doesn't get any better. Ever. I used to have so much joy in my heart all the time, enjoyed living, not an ounce of anger in my being. I'd tell you all my sad stories, but I know that if I wasn't me, I probably wouldn't give a rat's ass about my life story either. I truly and sincerely pray that you'll prosper in life and love, Cathy. Wishing I was dead, Gabriel.

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Friday, January 28, 2005
10:07 AM

Oh Dear Gabriel. Do not wish you were dead. Life is a gift. I'm sure you have so much to live for other than a "special someone". I know that if I never marry, I intend to embark on a (hopefully successful) career which would take up much more of my time than if I had married and had kids. I am so sorry for your painful experiences, I truly truly am. I pray for peace and love in your life too. May God Bless you Gabriel. Cathy.

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Monday, January 31, 2005
02:44 PM

HOW DOES ONE COPE WITH VERBAL ABUSE FROM THE MAN WHO JUST MOMENTS EARLIER SAT THERE AND SINCERELY TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE THE SOUL MATE THEY HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED FOR? EVERY TIME I TRY TO TELL MYSELF TO GET AWAY AND GET OVER HIM, HE STILL LINGERS IN MY HEAD AND MY HEART...I AM DYING INSIDE.

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Monday, January 31, 2005
02:50 PM

HOW DOES ONE COPE WITH VERBAL ABUSE FROM THE MAN WHO JUST MOMENTS EARLIER SAT THERE AND SINCERELY TOLD YOU THAT YOU ARE THE SOUL MATE THEY HAVE ALWAYS LOOKED FOR? EVERY TIME I TRY TO TELL MYSELF TO GET AWAY AND GET OVER HIM, HE STILL LINGERS IN MY HEAD AND MY HEART...I AM DYING INSIDE.

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Monday, January 31, 2005
03:54 PM

Hey Faith! How are you doing? I hope you are ok. God Bless, Cathy.

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Monday, January 31, 2005
04:02 PM

To the person who posted last: First get educated. Read and reread all the material on this website and look at the books recommended by Dr. Irene, They help ALOT!! Second, disconnect yourself from this abuse as soon as possible. I know this is hard, but it sounds like you are in much pain. Join the catbox forum. It is a wonderful support group that can give you very insightful advice. God Bless you. Cathy.

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Wednesday, February 02, 2005
09:54 PM

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Saturday, February 12, 2005
10:57 PM

Sorry Cathy for not posting for so long. I am ok my internet was down for sometime and then I got very busy with work etc. I am doing better, but I have noticed that I am snapping a lot lately. Just the other day I called to cancel my phone service and the person on the other side said that I was being abusive. I was frustated because I was not getting through and then the lady would not listen to what I wanted so I raised my voice and was asking her to look at my contract without realizing that I raised my voice. Anyway when she said that, I lowered my voice right away and said that I did not say anything mean. She said that it is my tone so I replied back saying that she could have asked me to lower my voice before labeling me. After that she was singing everytime she had to type or do something it was kind of weird. I acknowledged my fault but it bothered me that she jumped to conclusions so quickly and later said that she does not want to deal with me talking like this to her and that is why she is going to go ahead and cancel service without charging a fee??? I was thinking that is what my contract said she is not doing me any favor. This made me realized that my next project is to watch my frustration and learn how to deal with people properly. The learning part never ends does it. Faith

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Sunday, February 13, 2005
05:00 PM

Hi, My names Tom. I was hunting though the internet trying to find answers to why I am so heartbroken. Then I came across your site and read Cathy's letter. Maybe I'm supposed to be here, because Cathy's plight is the same as mine. I am a big hairy biker, but underneath I am soft and gentle. I give my all to a relationship and often used to wonder why. I blamed myself for every thing that went wrong in my life.I have just realized after reading Cathy's letter that I too suffer from being codepentent. I go after women who play games with me, dangle that carrot on the stick and just when I reach out to grab it, they jerk it back. I just wanted to say to Cathy that time does heal your wounds. Its hard at first to stop thinking about thst person, I so know this. You just have to keep yourself busy, go see your friends. Go do what you have always wanted to do. Then as time goes on, the tears will stop and you suddenly realize you are not thinking about that person any more. You will have love in your life Cathy and you will be loved, you just have to heal for the time being. Then one day your turn that corner and wham it happens. Life doesn't work in a thinkable fashion,Life goes with a flow, a passion. God Bless you Cathy and hes watching over you right now.

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Thursday, February 17, 2005
06:36 PM

To Faith: Hey Faith! So nice to hear from you! I think you have been snapping alot lately because ever since you have become more aware of this abuse, you have become more intolerant of it. I am the same way. Now that I see red flags I snap at my friends and family alot more also. The learning does not end at all! Life is a learning process. I hope your situation is improving at home and I am inspired by your strength. Thank you so much for your advice the last 3 months, you have really been a blessing. Please keep me updated and may God bless you! Cathy To Tom: Hey Tom, thank you so much for you positive words of wisdom. You sound like such a great guy and I am sorry that you have been hurt! But it seems to me as if you have overcome your obstacles. Life does flow with a passion, I just have to stop controlling the direction in which it flows and change only what i am ABLE to change. May God bless you and he is watching over you too! God BLess! Cathy

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Friday, March 04, 2005
08:30 AM

Hey Cathy, I don't know if you're still reading, but it DOES get better in the long run! Something I did a few years ago that helped me out a lot was to declare for myself a six-month moratorium on dating ANYONE, so that I could focus on learning who I am and what I want, independent of anyone else. Two months after the moratorium ended, I met my now-husband, and I can't possibly imagine being happier. Remember, it does get better! :)

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Saturday, March 05, 2005
08:37 PM

Dear Cathy, I am going through such pain right now, i don't want to live and i don't know if it's going to get better... I am so glad I found this site and can relate to other women going through this. I married someone after knowing him for only six months. My enfatuation with him was so powerfull, I loved everything about him, he was funny, gorgeous,attentive,great lover,everything I ever wanted in a man. He lived in another city with his mother, which was a bit strange, he is 34 years old and never had a place of his own... We decided to live together and I let him move in with me three months before we got married. After our wedding he changed completely, he became emotionally distant,everything irritated him, especially the new responsibility of paying half of the rent. He never had to do it with mother. He would wake up in the morning,put on his suit and tell me he was going to look for a job(instead, he will change in his car and go surfing and smoking marihuana on the beach.) In the evening, he would tell me how unfair the world is to him and how hard it is to get a job in LA. I tried to be understanding and kept on paying the bills. After nine months of no results I confronted him with an ultimatum. He got so angry and raging,I locked myself in the bedroom and when he broke the door, I got so scared , I had to call the police. He went back to mothers house where he is now, still unemployed after 5 months. He is still talking to me on the phone in a very abusive manner and constantly calling me painful names. he can't stop this punishment and his mother, who is an alcoholic and excessive gambler,who just got through divorse number three is there to support his behavior. He blames me for everything and says that he doesn't like to be married. On top of this, I am preagnant with his child and it hurts me to know,that I have to go through this alone. I am so depressed, I don't want to get out into the world and talk to anyone.I sit in my room for hours and cry. I really want to have this baby, but I am afraid to get more depressed later in preagnancy. I still love him and believe that he is going to be that great guy I met, I know he can be that Guy if he wants to... I grew up in a family with an abusive alcoholic mother and I still love her. His sickness brings up my childhood memories and I don't know how to handle it. I hate myself for loving him so much, I don't know if I'll ever recover.

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Saturday, March 05, 2005
08:38 PM

Dear Cathy, I am going through such pain right now, i don't want to live and i don't know if it's going to get better... I am so glad I found this site and can relate to other women going through this. I married someone after knowing him for only six months. My enfatuation with him was so powerfull, I loved everything about him, he was funny, gorgeous,attentive,great lover,everything I ever wanted in a man. He lived in another city with his mother, which was a bit strange, he is 34 years old and never had a place of his own... We decided to live together and I let him move in with me three months before we got married. After our wedding he changed completely, he became emotionally distant,everything irritated him, especially the new responsibility of paying half of the rent. He never had to do it with mother. He would wake up in the morning,put on his suit and tell me he was going to look for a job(instead, he will change in his car and go surfing and smoking marihuana on the beach.) In the evening, he would tell me how unfair the world is to him and how hard it is to get a job in LA. I tried to be understanding and kept on paying the bills. After nine months of no results I confronted him with an ultimatum. He got so angry and raging,I locked myself in the bedroom and when he broke the door, I got so scared , I had to call the police. He went back to mothers house where he is now, still unemployed after 5 months. He is still talking to me on the phone in a very abusive manner and constantly calling me painful names. he can't stop this punishment and his mother, who is an alcoholic and excessive gambler,who just got through divorse number three is there to support his behavior. He blames me for everything and says that he doesn't like to be married. On top of this, I am preagnant with his child and it hurts me to know,that I have to go through this alone. I am so depressed, I don't want to get out into the world and talk to anyone.I sit in my room for hours and cry. I really want to have this baby, but I am afraid to get more depressed later in preagnancy. I still love him and believe that he is going to be that great guy I met, I know he can be that Guy if he wants to... I grew up in a family with an abusive alcoholic mother and I still love her. His sickness brings up my childhood memories and I don't know how to handle it. I hate myself for loving him so much, I don't know if I'll ever recover. Natasha

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Saturday, March 05, 2005
08:38 PM

Dear Cathy, I am going through such pain right now, i don't want to live and i don't know if it's going to get better... I am so glad I found this site and can relate to other women going through this. I married someone after knowing him for only six months. My enfatuation with him was so powerfull, I loved everything about him, he was funny, gorgeous,attentive,great lover,everything I ever wanted in a man. He lived in another city with his mother, which was a bit strange, he is 34 years old and never had a place of his own... We decided to live together and I let him move in with me three months before we got married. After our wedding he changed completely, he became emotionally distant,everything irritated him, especially the new responsibility of paying half of the rent. He never had to do it with mother. He would wake up in the morning,put on his suit and tell me he was going to look for a job(instead, he will change in his car and go surfing and smoking marihuana on the beach.) In the evening, he would tell me how unfair the world is to him and how hard it is to get a job in LA. I tried to be understanding and kept on paying the bills. After nine months of no results I confronted him with an ultimatum. He got so angry and raging,I locked myself in the bedroom and when he broke the door, I got so scared , I had to call the police. He went back to mothers house where he is now, still unemployed after 5 months. He is still talking to me on the phone in a very abusive manner and constantly calling me painful names. he can't stop this punishment and his mother, who is an alcoholic and excessive gambler,who just got through divorse number three is there to support his behavior. He blames me for everything and says that he doesn't like to be married. On top of this, I am preagnant with his child and it hurts me to know,that I have to go through this alone. I am so depressed, I don't want to get out into the world and talk to anyone.I sit in my room for hours and cry. I really want to have this baby, but I am afraid to get more depressed later in preagnancy. I still love him and believe that he is going to be that great guy I met, I know he can be that Guy if he wants to... I grew up in a family with an abusive alcoholic mother and I still love her. His sickness brings up my childhood memories and I don't know how to handle it. I hate myself for loving him so much, I don't know if I'll ever recover. Natasha

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
05:44 PM

Dear Cathy You are a wonderfully brave person and so young - when you are needy and wanting to be loved it can be so easy to turn a blind eye to other peoples poor behavoir and make excuses for them at the expense of your own integrity. Hang on to your values with both hands, there will be someone terrific for you. Be courageous - Jen

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Wednesday, March 09, 2005
08:30 PM

what do you do when a boyfriend forces you to dress very conservatively? Is this a form of emotional abuse?

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Sunday, March 13, 2005
05:34 PM

myquestion is why should i feel so hurt or rejected by my boyfriend when he sometimes acts very cold towards me and very ovassive towards me

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Sunday, March 20, 2005
01:48 AM

Dear Cathy, I am man, and I have fallen into co-dependent realtionships all my life and i am just seeing it now...When I hear someone as obviously nice and intelligent as you, I get almost sad inside...For you remind me of me...I just spent half my life in abusive, dysfunctional relationships...For, I was attempting to heal my broken, very abusive upbringing...First off, from a man's perspective you are a MAJOR CATCH!!!! Do not settle for anyone, who does not treat you with "mutual" respect...Be very cautious with men...You, could find someone really special...Look for those traits that can produce a "healthy" give and take relaionship...Do NOT undermine yourself!!! You are a man's "dream"...and you deserve to meet a womens idea of a dream...and believe me "we" do exist...keep looking, keep dreaming of that day, and Depression "warps" your thinking...I am about to go in for CBT, I have been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, and Clinical Depression...I know, in my heart that things are going to finally change for me...I do not underestimate me...and I will not settle for any form of abuse again in my life...and the thought of you going through what I have, not only concerns me, "it breaks my heart"...You just don't realize how special you are young lady...Thankyou for your letter..Peace...

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Wednesday, April 20, 2005
10:44 AM

im heartbroken help me i cnt take it i with a guy tht i love 2 bits but i dnt no wats going on its like we dnt no each other atm i dnt no wats wrong im confused

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Tuesday, May 31, 2005
08:31 PM

hi my name is claire 3 years ago i met a man called eddy on holiday with friends. we had an amazing holiday romance and then i came home, he was on my mind constanly so i had to go again and had another amazin 2 weeks with eddy but this time we decided to keep in touch so for 8 months he would ring me and text me all the time he said he was falling in love with me. he even asked me to move over to where he lives for the winter as he could not bare to be without me, unfortunatly too many commitments at work and home i could not go. he then went to his home country for a month which he rang me from there then i arranged to go back on holiday to see him may 3rd i got there and it stared again he said he wanted me to stop at his apartment i got rather drunk and can not really remember much of what happened but as far as i can remember the usual early night to be shower ect... then the next night i went to see him and he told me that he got married while he was at home.We had a big argument i slaped him and walked away. i have spoke to his brother and he said that he is not married and that he still loves me. so i go home again but this time without a long distance boyfriend he will not answer my text messages i have wrote him a letter which he has not replyed to and i am now going out of my mind i want him back sooo bad i dont know how he can change his mind like that. i am so confused and now i feel he was just using me as he comes from a very poor country and maybe he wanted me to get him into england! but i dont care where he comes from i just want to be with him again i am going back in september but i dont know what i should do should i forget him or try and get him HELP dakotaclaire@hotmail.co.uk please any surgestions as i am really clueless thanks claire xxx

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Tuesday, May 31, 2005
08:32 PM

hi my name is claire 3 years ago i met a man called eddy on holiday with friends. we had an amazing holiday romance and then i came home, he was on my mind constanly so i had to go again and had another amazin 2 weeks with eddy but this time we decided to keep in touch so for 8 months he would ring me and text me all the time he said he was falling in love with me. he even asked me to move over to where he lives for the winter as he could not bare to be without me, unfortunatly too many commitments at work and home i could not go. he then went to his home country for a month which he rang me from there then i arranged to go back on holiday to see him may 3rd i got there and it stared again he said he wanted me to stop at his apartment i got rather drunk and can not really remember much of what happened but as far as i can remember the usual early night to be shower ect... then the next night i went to see him and he told me that he got married while he was at home.We had a big argument i slaped him and walked away. i have spoke to his brother and he said that he is not married and that he still loves me. so i go home again but this time without a long distance boyfriend he will not answer my text messages i have wrote him a letter which he has not replyed to and i am now going out of my mind i want him back sooo bad i dont know how he can change his mind like that. i am so confused and now i feel he was just using me as he comes from a very poor country and maybe he wanted me to get him into england! but i dont care where he comes from i just want to be with him again i am going back in september but i dont know what i should do should i forget him or try and get him HELP dakotaclaire@hotmail.co.uk please any surgestions as i am really clueless thanks claire xxx

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Tuesday, May 31, 2005
08:32 PM

hi my name is claire 3 years ago i met a man called eddy on holiday with friends. we had an amazing holiday romance and then i came home, he was on my mind constanly so i had to go again and had another amazin 2 weeks with eddy but this time we decided to keep in touch so for 8 months he would ring me and text me all the time he said he was falling in love with me. he even asked me to move over to where he lives for the winter as he could not bare to be without me, unfortunatly too many commitments at work and home i could not go. he then went to his home country for a month which he rang me from there then i arranged to go back on holiday to see him may 3rd i got there and it stared again he said he wanted me to stop at his apartment i got rather drunk and can not really remember much of what happened but as far as i can remember the usual early night to be shower ect... then the next night i went to see him and he told me that he got married while he was at home.We had a big argument i slaped him and walked away. i have spoke to his brother and he said that he is not married and that he still loves me. so i go home again but this time without a long distance boyfriend he will not answer my text messages i have wrote him a letter which he has not replyed to and i am now going out of my mind i want him back sooo bad i dont know how he can change his mind like that. i am so confused and now i feel he was just using me as he comes from a very poor country and maybe he wanted me to get him into england! but i dont care where he comes from i just want to be with him again i am going back in september but i dont know what i should do should i forget him or try and get him HELP dakotaclaire@hotmail.co.uk please any surgestions as i am really clueless thanks claire xxx

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Friday, June 03, 2005
10:55 AM

hi my name is claire 3 years ago i met a man called eddy on holiday with friends. we had an amazing holiday romance and then i came home, he was on my mind constanly so i had to go again and had another amazin 2 weeks with eddy but this time we decided to keep in touch so for 8 months he would ring me and text me all the time he said he was falling in love with me. he even asked me to move over to where he lives for the winter as he could not bare to be without me, unfortunatly too many commitments at work and home i could not go. he then went to his home country for a month which he rang me from there then i arranged to go back on holiday to see him may 3rd i got there and it stared again he said he wanted me to stop at his apartment i got rather drunk and can not really remember much of what happened but as far as i can remember the usual early night to be shower ect... then the next night i went to see him and he told me that he got married while he was at home.We had a big argument i slaped him and walked away. i have spoke to his brother and he said that he is not married and that he still loves me. so i go home again but this time without a long distance boyfriend he will not answer my text messages i have wrote him a letter which he has not replyed to and i am now going out of my mind i want him back sooo bad i dont know how he can change his mind like that. i am so confused and now i feel he was just using me as he comes from a very poor country and maybe he wanted me to get him into england! but i dont care where he comes from i just want to be with him again i am going back in september but i dont know what i should do should i forget him or try and get him HELP dakotaclaire@hotmail.co.uk please any surgestions as i am really clueless thanks claire xxx

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Friday, August 12, 2005
01:56 AM

Do you talk to 16 year olds?

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Friday, August 12, 2005
02:27 AM

I am 16, a jr. in high school and I have never had a boyfriend. I am attractive, successful, and outgoing and most people love me. I know I'm probably too young to even worry about this but I feel like I will never find anyone. I don't understand why no guys like me. I'm really pretty, normal wieght, fun and I can't help but wonder if there is something wrong with me that I don't know about. Everyone I know has at least had one boyfriend. (my mom's co-worker told my mom that all the guys are intimidated by me) And it's not that I couldn't have a boyfriend if I wanted one.... I'm just really picky and I don't go for just anyone. Guys don't go for me but they always go for my friends. I see great guys go out with the meanest and ugliest people but I can't get a boyfrind?? Is there something I could be doing wrong? I flirt and approach guys. I've tried really hard to get them to like me. Do you have any idea what I could do to get them to notice me? I'm thinking it's because I'm not "easy" like most girls, but I've seriously considered changing that.

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Friday, August 12, 2005
02:31 AM

I wrote the sob story up above.... my e-mail is (deleted!) thanks in advance for everything. ~Lyndsie~

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Monday, October 31, 2005
05:22 AM

i had a row with my man, he left my house we both was very moody an angry at eachother, he then went out that nyt an turnt his pphone off. he had it turnt off all the next day an he wasnt at home he stayed out the whole day. an his phone is still off. i dont no wot to do

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Monday, January 02, 2006
09:10 PM

ok hello my name is Ellen and i am goingo ut with this guy named brian.... and we use to talk to each other all the time it was great becasue he live half a hour away from me... then 1 day we finally got to hang out after a 2 months of just talking and not seeing each other.... then when i did see each other we \ had a great time and hung out.. but when he had to go we went to his but but we missed it ... and he blamed it on me.. i dont know how it was my fault.. but i said sorry.. when the next bus came i tried to giver him a hug but he pushed me away when i said by he looked away... i called him no answer.. when he did he said he had to go.. hes on msn right now but wont talk to me :S im super Heart broken but dont know how to tell him do you ?