Comments for Violent Victim

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos, Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 12, 2000

S1

I don't think enough information was given to this person as to HOW to stop behaving in ways that are bad for her. Just telling someone to stop a "habit" is not enough.

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 12, 2000

S1

She is only one that knows what she needs to do to stop. I started to feel that way about my A a few months ago. I decided that by letting myself even entertain the idea was bad, very bad. So I began to think of my father, who was very patient and understanding. When I would start to feel that rage come up, I would think of him to the point that I could picture him sitting there modeling this behavior and telling mr to chill out. What good is it going to do if you act like that anyway? It will make you feel like you deserve it, that you are no better and that no one else will accept you. If you truly want this relationship to define the rest of your life- by all means stay and have a freak fest. It will keep both of you away from two innocent people. But I hope to god that you never have children. Otherwise you should get some counseling quick... It will really help you understand why you get so angry and how to show appropriate anger. Good Luck! It is not easy to change once you allow yourself to be out of control- so the sooner the better as far as I am concerned!

B1: Submit
Date: Saturday, February 12, 2000

S1

Mandy,

This sounds exactly like how my relationship was with a boyfriend of mine and then I went off and married him, even though I KNEW in my heart of hearts it would not get better. It didn't, it got worse. I should have gone with my gut and so should you. Dr Irene is right once you take the responsibility for your actions you and stop trying to figure out "who's to blame" you will empower yourself and things will be MUCH clearer. Good luck to you!

Paula

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 13, 2000

S1

To me this sounds like a love/hate relationship. You claim to love him...yet you want want to hurt him physically at times. Neither one of you are capable right now of having a relationship. If you truly knew yourself you would understand why you were angry and think of a solution.. I call this being proactive. Instead you just constantly react. To me he sounds like a two year old brat. I say dump him...and get yourself together before you go back out into the dating game. Your young enough yet to learn how to avoid bad relationships so that they don't mess up years of your life and that of any kids you may have. You'll eventually have to learn this anyway, might as well learn it now. This way there is a lot less damage control and emotional scaring to deal with. Personally I don't think you know what love is...because it certainly doesn't include punching each other out.

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 13, 2000

S1

I totally agree. I have been in a year-long relationship with a man who "dumped me" three times to date others without being totally honest about what he was doing. The dishonesty made me crazy....I reacted in ways that made me feel terrible about myself....even took back a Christmas gift I gave him (I later returned it). I couldn't take back what I had done...the only thing I could do was apologize for my behavior and realize the relationship was poison for me. I'm working to regain my dignity.... I'm still angry, feel terribly betrayed and used, but I'm taking time for myself so this situation never, ever happens to me again. I think the best advice is "be true to yourself." Act in ways that, when you look back, you won't have to apologize for.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 14, 2000

S1

Whatever you do - do not fight in front of the 3 year old girl. This just continues the dysfunction - the codependency, violent, out of control behavior. You may think she is too young to be effected, but she's not.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 14, 2000

S1

Wow. I think you've gotten some great advise so far. About 8 months ago, I felt so screwed up and had no choice but to divorce my husband of 3 years. Haven't talked to him since. The way you describe your relationship described my marriage so accurately. I didn't even know he was verbally abusive until months after the divorce, then learned I was. Dr Irene's so right, there are 2 abusers and 2 victims. With all this alone time, I am learning I am a very angry person (started from when I was young but a lot from the awful things I put up with from my ex). I can say one thing for sure, since I have had time alone (it hasn't been easy either) I make it my #1 priority to get my self worth back. With self-love, I know I definitely don't deserve a relationship like that. Like you, I too am afraid that my anger will spill over into my next relationship, that's why I made a conscious choice not to be in one, so I can concentrate on my recovery work. After a lot of hard work, I have hope now. I know what a healthy relationship is now. And yes, I am attracting healthy people because I have gotten a lot more healthy myself. I'll be the first to say that the recovery work is not easy, but the dividends are so great! By the way, I agree with the woman's comments about not having children, it was the smartest thing I did. Best wishes to you! And you!

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, February 14, 2000

S1

Wow. I think you've gotten some great advise so far. About 8 months ago, I felt so screwed up and had no choice but to divorce my husband of 3 years. Haven't talked to him since. The way you describe your relationship described my marriage so accurately. I didn't even know he was verbally abusive until months after the divorce, then learned I was. Dr Irene's so right, there are 2 abusers and 2 victims. With all this alone time, I am learning I am a very angry person (started from when I was young but a lot from the awful things I put up with from my ex). I can say one thing for sure, since I have had time alone (it hasn't been easy either) I make it my #1 priority to get my self worth back. With self-love, I know I definitely don't deserve a relationship like that. Like you, I too am afraid that my anger will spill over into my next relationship, that's why I made a conscious choice not to be in one so I can concentrate on my recovery work. After a lot of hard work, I have hope now. I know what a healthy relationship is now. And yes, I am attracting healthy people because I have gotten a lot more healthy myself. I'll be the first to say that the recovery work is not easy, but the dividends are so great! By the way, I agree with the woman's comments about not having children, it was the smartest thing I did. Best wishes to you!

B1: Submit
Date: Thursday, February 24, 2000

S1

NEVER, NEVER, NEVER fight in front of the 3 yr old

GET OUT NOW - this is a tragedy just waiting to happen

GET SOME HELP in learning how to handle your own anger control. The only person you can change is yourself. You will carry these same traits into your next relationship unless you learn to manage your anger.

Don't sit around thinking something is going to happen to cause the situation to change. It isn't! Go ahead and move forward with your life. You are in control of your life. Your destiny will be determined by your choices. Good Luck

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, February 27, 2000

S1

Well, I have learned that I cannot be in a "loving" relationship with someone until... let's see... I:

1. know thy self 2. love thy self 3. live by thy self 4. learn to support thy self emotionally, spiritually and financially 5. discover a loving being inside thy self.

Then...I will attract another loving self and "share" this loving self, key word "share", with another. so for now I'm celibate, lonely, learning and free because I cannot share something I don't have. YET. Peace to you. And to New You!

Love, New Me.

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, March 01, 2000

S1

Hi. My name is Sydney and I work in a Battered Women's shelter. I counsel women all day about returning to life threatening situations. Sometimes I find it very frustrating, but I do turn it over and realize that I am only a seed being planted. I have found until someone is ready to make a change or has hit an emotional bottom, they will continue to stay in that relationship. It is good to have people such as yourself who can lend a supportive ear and let them know there is another side, another way to live that is full of life, love, security and hope. I enjoyed what you had to share. Thank you. Fondly, Sydney :) shaskell@hotmail.com

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, July 10, 2000

S1

dear dr. irene: i'm 36 yrs old, have a 4-yr-old son from previous marriage, and am engaged now. he supports us and i'm a stay-home mom. we recently moved for his job, so i don't know anyone and it's been a big adjustment... my problem began like the one above (mandy)... great guy who gradually started getting more and more verbally abusive... eventually stopped apologizing for his outbursts and turned it around on me... like, if i stopped tripping his wires he wouldn't have to explode... i left for a week to let him think about 'what he wants...' came back, and he cried and cried... confessed something he's never told anyone: that from the ages 11-15 he was sadistically abused by older jock guys at his middle school in rural texas. his dad was a pilot and rarely home. his mom had twin baby daughters to look after. they knew he was getting beat up at school, but they had no idea he was being gang sodomized, raped with a broom handle, getting senior guy penises forced into his face/mouth, humiliated in public at pep rallies & whatnot... he wasn't the only one, and he claims the coaches & teachers knew that 4 'nerdy' kids were getting all this abuse from the 'jocks', but DID NOTHING. when grafitti of penises and profanity was spray-painted on their home, my guy's parents decided to send him to school in germany for a year. when he came back, they moved to new england. over his year away, he filled out, face cleared up, he turned handsome... became popular... but prone to intellectual bullying... garnered animosity from some, respect/fear/admiration from others... he's never told a soul. it would kill his dad, who was all-american, very popular & successful all his life... he claims that he's never gotten thru a day without having violent revenge fantasies... he remembers every name of all the kids who took part. so last night, he was just crying and crying--kept repeating that he hurts people and he can't make real friends and he's fine at work where he doesn't really care about anyone. over the years, he's said horrific things to his folks, his sisters, his grandmother... they forgive his 'temper.' they've all warned me gently about it at different times, saying how good i am for him and how different he isnow. he's never loved anyone else until me and my son, and he's scared and repulsed by his treatment of me. so far, he's never disrespected my son and they are very attached. to compound it, i'm an excellent debater... and i can argue many people under the table, calmly and methodically... he feels cornered and the rage comes...

i'm worried for my son, but HOW CAN I LEAVE THIS GUY, KNOWING WHAT I KNOW? i feel an obligation to help him GET HELP, but i DON'T KNOW HOW. he wants therapy, but he's scared witless of what it'll bring up.

i'm so relieved to have found this site, but i'm still lost about what i'm going to do. thanks, kate

B1: Submit
Date: Sunday, July 30, 2000

S1

umm yeh verbal abuse...huh //// fuck yas all........ submitted by Kyza Sozay.....The original