Comments:  Codependent Partners

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Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos   Copyright� 1998-2006. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

Date: Tuesday, May 15, 2007

S1

Sabrina, Welcome to the Catbox!!! One of the worst things we do to ourselves when in situations like this is to blame ourselves....along with THEM blaming us too!! It seems to be easier to "beat up" ourselves than the real culprit. Don't allow her to shift the blame on you. YOU have to stand up for yourself and what YOU want in your life. YOU define what your idea of happiness is. However, with that being said, you agreed in the beginning to put emotional fidelity over physical. My take on this is that you left it open/okay for other outside physical relationships. (IMHO...this open type relationship can NEVER work) However, she is the one who violated your emotional fidelity by the way she handled this. She and she alone destroyed your trust in her. YOU HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AND UPSET! Not to mention, she has continued to violate it by having additional sexual relationships. She has to take responsibility for what she did and WORK HARD to rebuild your trust in her if there is ANY chance for this to be fixed. It is NOT your job to fix what she broke!!! But, it sure doesn't look like she has any intention of doing this. We also have a hard time accepting that THEY changed...or they were being false from the start. You have EVERY right to demand physical fidelity........whether YOU changed your mind or not. What you need to decide is whether you want to be with a person who cheats on you, lies to you and violates your relationship. She clearly violated your emotional agreement and continues to do so. She is who she is....today! Can you be happy with "today's" person?? If not, then you need to look at finding someone who is committed to what YOUR idea of a happy relationship is. PS.......you have NO right to "change" another person....just like she has NO right to change you. ((((((((Hugs!!))))))))) Me

B1: Submit
Date: Wednesday, May 16, 2007

S1

OOOOO Ouch! How abusers will try and sell the unsalable. All the infidelity ( a personal bottomline) would hurt me badly. Funny how we are all supposed to behave in a way that does not challenge our partners even in the face of such blatant disrespect! I am pretty sure that if you Loved like she does...she would take issue with it. Wishing you the best...come to the catbox..tons of lovely folk on there. ilish

B1: Submit
Date: Friday, May 18, 2007

S1

Sabrina I too am in a same-sex relationship with a woman. THANK YOU for posting your story. I know that the issues are the same no matter the gender but it is supportive to see a story a bit closer to your own. Thank you again. I just broke up with my partner after 7.5 years. We raise her daughter (14 years old) together, so it made my decision that much harder. I have not moved out yet but will. Although I finally decided and acted on ending the relationship it is a day to day thing. I must continue to remind myself how I got here. Take care of yourself. You can! Once you learn how to do that well - you will know what a good partner looks like... that's what I'm working toward. Be well, Tracy

Sabrina? Where are you? No questions? No comments? I'm going to leave this open for another week for you to post and come back next weekend. OK? Doc, May 20 2007.

B1: Submit
Date: Monday, May 21, 2007

S1

Well.... You sound like a very intelligent woman who has given alot to a lot of people. Yet, like a lot of us who are intelligent in many areas, completely clueless when it comes to relationships and issues of the self. I would encourage you to put yourself first with regards to this 'relationship' and to start getting in touch with your anger and feelings. If this was a typical heterosexual relationship, a friend say or someone in that shelter that you worked or volunteered in...you would be counseling the woman to recognize the abuse they had endured and encouraging them to get out of the relationship and to work on themselves. I would encourage you to do just that. This relationship hasn't been working for you for a long, long time now and yet, rather than simply admit this and move on, or be content without a relationship, you have sacrificed your inner self just to be with this person. And now, it seems you have lost a good portion of that self--okaying behavior that is completely unacceptable by most peoples standards. I think that once you can really understand and believe the old saying that 'no relationship is better than a bad one' that you would be better off being alone. Hard, yes. But no harder really than sacrificing your beliefs and integrity just to keep a person with you when that person has no intentions of treating you properly.

Still no Sabrina... *Sigh*  Take care and God bless. Doc, May 29, 2007