Comments for Bumps along The Way
here is intended for educational purposes only, and must not be considered a
substitute for informed advice from your own health care provider.
Keep up the great work Geoff. It's very encouraging to see a person make the types of changes you are making. I hope my husband can do what you did before he becomes my "X." Gabrielle
isn't it amazing how the same person can be abuser in one situation and abused in another. Shows none of us are 'saints' doesn't it? I do think that maybe this will help you see the other side better, and get the complete picture as it were, first hand. You just keep in mind you really are worth the work you are doing, and as Dr. I. says: you have value for your boss, so you can ask for a return. If he keeps refusing, it will be enough to find another boss, and to heck with were the next $ come from. You will find a way to survive, cause no amount of $ is worth putting up with a bad boss or a bad partner!!
Take care and just see this as a way to grow even more. I think you are doing great, you'll get there, and if not with this boss, then with the next.
I am also learning to stamp out my irrational thinking.
The only thing that really bugs me is for me the fear of getting what I got last time I left, (rather losing what I have now found)
It also seems that when I do speak up and I end up confused and mixed up (unsure of whether I am right to be angry or not)
So take for instance I was talking about my partner taking responsible for minding our child so I to can have some free time. I started off with a valid argument for my side.
But my partner seemed to be able to floor me! and I begin to doubt myself. He will say "Oh well look you know I don't have alot of free time."
I will begin thinking, He is right. "He does work long hours and only has xxxx amount of time to go out, maybe I am complaining and expecting more than he is capable of giving".
Then my therapist said "Okay so you do work outside the home, work inside the home with your daughter, and you do your course work which = The majority of the time you do work of one sort or another."
My reply "Yes but he minds her on a Sunday so I can do my coursework".
My therapist "YES but this is on his terms, when he wants to, when he chooses to"
I said "YES"
My therapist "So you don't deserve anymore free time?"
I said "Well I can't expect him to work shifts and then on the Thursday when he is off he goes to the pub, and there are only two Thursday's he is off, and Sunday he goes to the pub for an hour after work two times a month and he minds our child whilst I study two times a month on the other Sunday's and then later on in the evening goes to the pub."
My therapist: "So he goes to the pub 2 Sunday's a month for one hour, and 2 Sunday's he goes to the pub for a few hours in the evening. Then he goes to the pub 2 Thursday's out of the month!! Okay he minds yours and his child 2 Sunday's so you can study".
However, he has more free time than you do!! His argument is that he works shifts and YOU only work days so you have free time in the evening. BUT YOU CAN'T GET UP ON THESE EVENINGS AND GO OUT, since yours and his child is in BED. So it isn't free time. You are there looking after yours and his child."
My Therapist went on to say: "So how are you going to change this situation. ARE you going to speak up and tell him this".
I said "I can't force him to child mind our child, can I? So if he says NO, I won't mind her." Then WHAT????
So Geoff I see your difficulty. There maybe fear involved. And the feeling of helplessness.
SORRY TO chatter on so long, I just want to empathize with you, I see why you find it difficult.
BUT Congratulations on starting these steps.
Take care Theressa
Thanks so much for the encouragement and sharing your insights!!! Sorry to take so long to REPLY!! I'm kind of slow on realizing how the comments thing worked and didn't even realize it was there. I've been so absorbed in MEEMEMEMEME!! LOL!! Giggle!
Also, I have now been offered a position by the boss, but at too low a salary as well as twice as much responsibility, etc. His track record for making good on his promises of 'going far together' is not good either. He told me eight months ago he would be offering me the Full Time position.
I have put him off, especially as he started negating me and de-valuing me directly after our most recent negotiation. Some criticism was justified and some stemmed from his annoyance that I did not leap at the offer.
In the meantime, I seem to have the door still open to take his training, (Both professional and Emotional!!, my MOM said, 'he is (my) professor' and the jobs he has for me week by week, and build my own business.
I was unable to find the Tongue Fu book at my Borders book store and so got the 'Idiots Guide to Stopping Verbal Abuse' for the moment. Let us know what you think of it. Strange how I instinctively identify with the title (Dad called us 'Idiots' a lot, we turned it into a joke and made him a T-shirt w/our pics on it saying 'The Idiot Bros, Flaming and Blazing!), But the author says in the title page that if we bought the book we are obviously not Idiots. Indeed. She goes on to say that if one does not remove oneself from the environment of a verbal abuser/murderer, it will lead to chronic health problems ranging from Stress to Heart Attack to Cancer, And that often those same patterns are re-enforced in the 'victim', making me wonder seriously about any long term relationship w/him. I also noticed how closely I do fit the Profiles of Verbal Abuser/Murderer with those close to me who annoy me. As you master "your professor's" lessons, you disarm his ability to hurt you... You also master your own tendency to hurt others as you articulate specifically what bothers you about them and put it out calmly, all the while realizing that your job is to accept that they may not change one iota.., (And that's OK, simply because it is...)
I have been on Self Imposed Hiatus from Intimate relationships for the past three years, precisely because I have not wanted to inflict this type of injury on anyone else and do not yet feel healed enough to start a new one. I am sure I will also be terrified of doing so if one comes along. And yes I do have 'manly Needs' but you know...lol!
Oich...that's enough for now.. Luv to all, Geoff Love to YOU Geoff!
Hey, if anyone is still following this thread, I have an update and almost resolution.
This last June, my abusive supervisor and then my abusive boss, pointed out to me after nine months of working for the company, that it is company policy for an employee to have to pay the deductible or repairs for damage incurred to any vehicle, whichever was less, if such damage was due to negligence. They were to be the final arbiters of who was negligent. I had not had any such accident.
As soon as they made this plain to me, I insisted that I would never agree to such a policy. Almost immediatley after, coming back from a job, I was run off the road while using my OWN vehicle resulting in two pieces of their equipment rolling out of my truck bed. Automatically they insisted that I replace or pay for the equipment. I told them I would not as it was an accident and I was lucky to be alive.
I then told them that for me to finish the work they had me scheduled for that month, they would have to indemnify me for any damage to their equip. They had to agree, but were so incensed they released me from their employ as soon as they didn't require my services.
Now Unemployed, I am drawing Un-Employment, which they now contest on their claim that I was not an Employee, but a sub-contractor. I am looking forward to giving them a lesson in State and Federal Employment Law.
My claim has also resulted in my previous employer, also abusive, to be found out as having mis-represented my status as a sub-contractor when I was in fact his employee. He now blames ME, instead of realizing it was his unsound business practices.
I feel almost vindicated, but also stupid for allowing two employers in a row to take advantage of me.
I find that this site has many good points. One thing I can not overlook is that all the articles reference HE as the abuser. This is just not the case, and to point the finger at the man has and will continue to forget about that an abuser is both male and female. The patterns are the same and to sate that it is just a male problem will and has encuraged people to point the finger at the man. The abuser can, will and has turned the role of abuser around to being the victim. Please remember that the only true answer to removing abuse is to identify both parties involment. It take two to create this and it will take two to stop it. We must look for a true solution not a continued blaming. Please think of all the people out there looking for help. Some will not find it simply because they do not beleive it was them abusing but blaming the other. When a women punches a man in a fight or is violent and then as a matter of devending themselves the victim hurts the abuser. Who needs what kind of help. BOTH This is the only solution. When the courts mandate the abuser to counciling they sould point out that there was two involved in this event. What if the abusere has turned the vicim into the abuser, what then. The vicim gets help the abuser walks on to the next vicim, and the pattern continues. The law is to protect us the people. If that is truley their goal then both parties need to be mandated to counsiling no options. The first call to domestic violence should merit this intervention of the state. Not the last when the problem has escolated to the point of no return. This should not be an option. Let us help our fellow man find a peaceful life not one behind bars where they can and do become more violent. Domestic violence has many elaments but the underlying one is emotional attachment. One time these two people may or may not have been in love. there is not a person out there in this world that will not feel the power of the heart. Please let us help all.