Comments for Arrogant

Comments for Love is Not Arrogant

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Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos Copyright© 1998-2001. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com

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Thursday July 26, 2001

Jenny,

I am so glad you love yourself enough to be so honest and take responsibility for what you feel needs improving.

You love yourself enough to go the mile it takes to get better. The catbox has helped me grow along with therapy. Everyone is welcoming, we all are victims. Maybe Craig could join you in catbox, (Asha and Steve who post their as a couple have sorted lots out together in the catbox). Craig also has issues.

He needs to learn to recognise what is acceptable and then to set a limit when what is unacceptable takes place. "Please calm down" this is a limit Craig could set.

If you continue misbehaving he can then detach. "I am leaving now" and then he should leave the room. The purpose of this is he decides this is not a good use of his energy.

Jenny I have an anger problem myself. What has helped immensely is to check out my thoughts. My thoughts and the way I define things creates my feelings and emotions.

e.g this morning with my child. I tapped her on the head. She didn't like this. I guess it is because her father told her last night he doesn't like people tapping him, and I told her neither did I. So I guess she doesn't like it either.

Anyway I guess her thoughts were "why is she tapping me, I don't like it" and she reacted. (JUST LIKE SHE'S learnt from mom and dad YIKES!!) She said loudly "don't you dare hit me".

Well what does her dear mommy do? You guessed it her mommy has her own dialogue going on in her head. "who does this child think she is, I am her mother, what will people think?"

So I her mother reacted and bounced off her anger with my own anger. I said "get in the car now" and inside I felt like she should be told how wrong that is to yell out like that to her mother, and the consequences of her yet again yelling out as she has before, about me doing things to her. The other day I wouldn't buy her some food she wanted and she yelled out "oh you feed yourself but don't get me nothing" (untrue of course she does get food LOL).

Today the dialogue was about people thinking I am hitting her, whatever would they think of me.

SO what did I do, I let her have it. I lectured her about how others would think I am a bad mother, and she is so naughty and THEN how I was gonna stop her pocket money, she was going to bed early, she wasn't having her new books she gets fortnightly.

(GOODNESS me if I worked as a judge no one would ever be able to finish their sentence since they'd not be punished enough!!!)

The point is I had no intention of doing all these things, punishing her three times for one incident. BUT I was angry.

Then my child acted out some more in response to me. I wanted to sort things out. The guilt was overcoming me, but I was still mad. I said "here let me have your arm" My child said "NO". I said "give me your arm" She said "NO". (All I wanted to do was to tap her lightly on her hand to show her that wasn't hitting her), though she wouldn't compile!!!

Well I felt even more mad. I said "Go on get out of the car" She did and to top it all off she went in the house without kissing me goodbye.

Fancy such a fuss over my daughter sharing her reality. THEN I when and drove off to work. I got to work and realised how ridiculous it was all that happened.

I phoned and apologised.

Then I sat down and realised this is no good for me or my child. IT is my thoughts and perceptions that are way off. Well now I recognise this.

I realised she is only a child, and it is unlikely that she understands the way I do. She was reacting the way her rolemodels do.

And I didn't need to react to her anger with anger either.

SO WHAT ELSE COULD I DO:

Well firstly I could check out my thoughts: So I did:

I realised they were irrational. My daughter is not making others think I am a bad mother, it is *MY* creating and reacting to her anger that does this.

My lecturing and trying to make her see how I didn't do anything wrong makes things worse. OKAY so I got to blow off steam. BUT would I want a giant person towering over me, with a much louder voice venting at me? NO!!

And what did this lecture solve? Nothing!! Okay so she knew how I felt, but she didn't mean me to feel like this, it was *MY* perceptions/thoughts/interpretation made me angry.

Also it is obvious she doesn't have the skills to cope without reacting. She doesn't know how to say "That hurt" and maybe she needs to be taught this skill of disclosing your feelings.

Then I tried to sort things out when I was still seething. I didn't want to sort things out really, my anger really wanted to be justified. NOT USEFUL TO MY CHILD!!!

I tried to control my daughter by saying "give me your arm" however, nice it was put, when she refused my request I was more annoyed, since my thoughts were "I am her mother she has no right to refuse me"

Really, well I recognised she has every right to reject my request, and I have to deal with that rejection (which is one of my big issues).

Then she acted out in response to my control. Of course she didn't know how to say No and then detach. Maybe I can do it and she will learn off my rolemodelling!!

And I realise the guilt was justified that I felt. And thus, it has made me wake up and realise there is a better way.

I could have:

1) Heard her reaction, "done nothing" 2) Then said "I see...." (As in I see your view)

If she is taught she could:

1) Say "That hurt" and disclose her feelings

Then I could say:

"I am sorry I only meant to get your attention but if you don't like me doing that I won't do it anymore." (validating her right to set limits on what she will accept)

I don't know if this helps any, but thanks for listening. Theressa

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Thursday July 26, 2001

Basically check out your thoughts about others behaviours, choices, feelings, views.

Can you accept others have a right to choose and you have to accept their rejections?

Does what others might think mean more than his feelings? (why? are you affraid of what others think?)

Approval perhaps? (pat on the back)

I realised that What I think about me is all that matters!

Do you give yourself time to decide on your words?

A good tip is to do quarterbacks, next time you are nasty, go away get a journal and see how you could of worded things better.

Over time these new ways when practiced become habits, yes you might make mistakes and still be nasty at times but it gets easier.

Do you put Craig down?

Why is it so important that Craig does things your way?

Could you tolerate being disappointed? (You do this by not responding, "doing nothing" or saying nothing when someone does something their way. It is uncomfortable but you learn over time to mind your own stuff and not to give advice unless you are asked.

Why is what you said Justified? Is there not other ways to do the same thing?

Can you accept the way he sees things is different than you? Not necessary better or worser!

When you feel reactive, stop! "Do nothing" Yes you will feel overwhelmed and want to say something, this is the time to go away and question yourself, why you feel this way? What are your thoughts saying?

Why is this wrong that the other is doing?

Take care, these are things we learn in the catbox Theressa

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Thursday July 26, 2001

Basically check out your thoughts about others behaviours, choices, feelings, views.

Can you accept others have a right to choose and you have to accept their rejections?

Does what others might think mean more than his feelings? (why? are you affraid of what others think?)

Approval perhaps? (pat on the back)

I realised that What I think about me is all that matters!

Do you give yourself time to decide on your words?

A good tip is to do quarterbacks, next time you are nasty, go away get a journal and see how you could of worded things better.

Over time these new ways when practiced become habits, yes you might make mistakes and still be nasty at times but it gets easier.

Do you put Craig down?

Why is it so important that Craig does things your way?

Why is what you said Justified? Is there not other ways to do the same thing?

Can you accept the way he sees things is different than you? Not necessary better or worser!

Why is this wrong that the other is doing?

Take care, these are things we learn in the catbox Theressa

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Wednesday August 15, 2001

Dear Jenny, When you do not feel you are 'good enough' you sometimes tend to get mad at people for simply liking you. It is as if part of you actually dispises them for liking you, cause you find yourself so unlikeable. They must be stuopid to like you! Yet, you want theire love and attention sooo much. You can change, when you are ready and willing to look into yourself, to challenge your beliefs about yourself, to find the reasons why you feel so insecure and to accept that you are human and are not worse, or better then anyone else. When you feel insecure, you go from feeling supperior and despising everyone to despising yourselve and desperately needing approval. It's a hard way to live your live. Accepting what and who you are, complete with slanting eyes, red nose and funny hair (or whatever) and accepting other people for what they are, it will get easier. Try to start respecting yourself and enjoy Greg's liking and love for you. Keep working on yourself and you will get at this wonderfull place called mutual love and understanding. Starting point is loving and understanding yourself. Hugs, AJ

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Friday August 17, 2001

I wish you all the luck in finding peace within so you can have a good relationship. I'm proud of you for facing your problem!!!! Keep up th good work

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Friday August 17, 2001

I wish you all the luck in finding peace within so you can have a good relationship. I'm proud of you for facing your problem!!!! Keep up th good work

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Wednesday April 23, 2003

Wow, your post was great. I felt this was my story. My boyfriend and I just broke up two days ago, and he doesn't just take it, he fights back and can be just like me. But we are crazy about each other and when we get along, it's like I found my best friend, it's real and not some fake love thing. We are honest and down to earth and love our friendship, so we are both really sad right now. I hope that I can find my peace, so that I don't continue this cycle. I don't know why I am so mad at things when that moment I was so sure I had a good reason. Thank you, Lizzie daizziechic@yahoo.com