The Doc's Answers 4
Wednesday, July 25, 2001
09:43:48 PM
I am hoping you can you help me, Dr. Irene. I am at what appears to be at the end of a very short marriage to a man who is either abusive or the victim of my abusiveness - maybe both. Sorta, but not quite...
This is the situation to the best of my honest, objective ability. I have been having fits. Two weeks after I moved in with Rod, I had a fit. My new husband had somehow led his ex to believe I would be giving her one of my two computers - and she called me to ask me which one I wanted to give her because, of course, Rod told her she could have one. I thought she was just trying to manipulate me - she had been calling for one reason or another every day since I moved in with Rod. When I asked him if this was true and he admitted he may have given her that impression, I had a fit. Tip to stand your ground in the future: "Gee whiz Matilda, I don't know what Rod said, but this is news to me. Anyway, sorry, if there's been a misunderstand. I'm not giving either away." Then deal with hubby: "Dear, please don't intimate that I may be giving stuff away. If I give stuff away, I'll let people know." (Don't assume anybody is out to manipulate you. It won't work. Plus, it doesn't matter even if they are - they can't - unless you play the game.)
However, instead of understanding my anger (I really don’t know if my anger was completely justified - I only assume that any woman in my situation would have been angry), Of course it was. He stepped on your space. But, you couldn't identify the specifics and you let some automatic thinking (out to manipulate you) get in your way. Listen: Your anger is completely understandable. Even if it's not, so what? It's your anger! Take it seriously and look at it's message. (I don't want him speaking for me, especially to her! ) Rod acted as if he was mortally wounded by my being angry with him. He would not talk to me, he acted like he was utterly destroyed, he slept in another room that night. I could not believe it - this response was unreal to me. Yuk! Seriously, consciously or unconsciously, he set you up and you bit. He way over-reacted, but so did you. I suspect both of you are run by automatic thinking that's not true and that gets in your ways. Maybe Rod wanted you to get jealous cuz he's feeling unloved! Maybe he wanted to be the "big guy" to the ex and "show" her. Whatever, it's likely in his eyes, his intention was innocent - and you had a "fit!" Had he said something like, "Do not scream at me Marcia! I'm sorry I led Matilda to believe xxx, but stop the yelling now," he would have stopped the escalation cold. So, neither of you have the skills to make this work right now. Too many irrational thoughts in the way. He's possibly thinking along the lines of, "I don't deserve this! What did I do that was so awful?" There is no recognition of the fact that he stepped on your space. You're possibly thinking, "You make me feel so insecure when you pull stuff like that; I look like a fool! Don't you love me?"
The next time I displayed anger against Roger (he had left me at home to help his son with homework while he went and played video games with a friend - he was supposed to be grocery shopping), his sulking became more dramatic. The silent treatments lasted longer, he started to ask me to go back home, he became more withdrawn. He accused me of being abusive. You were probably awful. But it's more correct to say you were being "reactive." Ask him, "How do you expect me to feel? You lied to me! Then you punish me for a week for being upset with your lying! OK, I'm sorry I yelled, but I am going home now because you think dishonesty is OK. I can't help you with this one Rod."
It’s just not like me to have fits - I used to yell at my daughter (who is now a bright and successful 21 year old young lady) once in awhile - two or three times a year - but she had to do something really absurd. I tried to evaluate whether or not anyone in my position would have been angered by the situations I was exposed to, and determined that anyone would be. Please trust your body. If you are angry, you are angry. Period. Don't second guess yourself. Trust that you are angry and try to determine why and what to do about it. First chill and sit with it. Do not act while angry! Ask yourself what your partner did that you didn't like. Ask yourself if your expectations are rational. Then you figure out what to do about it. It takes a while to learn how to do this, but after practice, it becomes - automatic! Also, one important factor here is that about a week before I had moved in with Rod, my doctor had found spots of cancer on my cervix. So, right after I moved in with him, I had to have surgery for the first time in my life. To my total dismay, Rod cut me no slack at all and was unsupportive. (FYI- after surgery and a few small complications, I just recently had a follow-up pap smear which came back normal. I have not had a fit since then - about a couple of months ago.) I'm glad you're OK. Did you tell Rod you are dismayed that he handled your surgery as he did?
I began to study about verbal abuse. I had all the symptoms - I yelled, I screamed, I used profanity - I called him a f’in jerk, I told him he was selfish and I even called him a Pig. I felt awful about my fits. I began to fast and pray, I fell down on my knees over and over again in heartfelt tears begging God to help me get over these angry outbursts. I read books on how to be a better wife, how to deal with anger. I begged for forgiveness and more or less took full responsibility for the problems in our marriage. Only take full responsibility for yourSelf, as I'm sure you understand now. Finally, I told Rod, “Yes, I will leave. There is something wrong with me and I don’t seem to be able to control myself; I will leave.” I even figured it was healthy for Rod not to want to be a part of such abuse. Funny thing happened though, although Rod said he was so abused by me and threatened to divorce me, he did not actually want me to leave. Yes. You two are into your dance. He can't help how he is any more than you can help how you are. You've both got stuff to learn, and you will have to go first. Don't take this stuff. But, don't take it calmly. Don't try to teach him what he doesn't know. Just ask yourSelf if you can live with (whatever... the lie, the non-support, etc.).
I am not completely naive; I had my suspicions that I was being manipulated - I just wasn’t sure. After all, if I was the one who had fits, then something was actually wrong with me - that was plain for all to see. True. What's wrong is you don't know how to care for yourSelf! Rod hurt me in sneaky ways (covert abuse as you explain on your website). He would often be late - especially if I had something planned. He would consistently deny reasonable requests (in fact, I began to wonder if there was anything he would do for me) or he would make me wait, and wait, and wait. He told jokes or made sarcastic comments that cut me down - especially about my nationality - I’m Japanese/German/Irish. Cool! He was unkind to my daughter - with sarcasm, being obviously irritated by her presence and ignoring her while she was speaking. He withheld things that made me happy - for instance, when we first met we would pray together, very rich, spiritual prayers; now, all of sudden, since I got mad at him, he “cannot” pray with me. He denies everything I feel - if I am hurt by his sarcasm or racial slurs, Rod will say that I cannot be hurt because he did not do anything wrong - followed, of course, by the silent treatment and withdrawal. He's got to own this piece. This is big. The world does not revolve around Rod... Every situation is turned around so that I am at fault and he is the victim. You know you're the victim here. You probably also suspect there is some narcissism on his part, which prevents your viewpoint from being as viable as his is - in his eyes. Needless to say, this is not OK.
I have been and am more than willing to own up to my part of the problems in this marriage. Good! I acknowledge that I have a problem dealing with anger. Excellent! Since the normal pap smear results, I have had more control over my emotions. I bet! Rod, on the other hand, is completely unwilling to take any responsibility for the problems in this marriage. He is certain that he is an easygoing guy, even tempered, happy-go-lucky, kind and gentle. He feels he has been totally victimized by my abusiveness. While he does not actually want to lose me, he also refuses to take any responsibility for his problems and seek marriage counseling with me. I feel that if Rod refuses to take any responsibility for his problems, then our problems will never be resolved. That is correct. Rod will continue with his sneaky manipulations and deny each and every one of them. Likely. I will continue to have fits to which Rod will feel justified in saying - Aha! It’s you - it is, in fact, your fault! Not if you learn to walk away and not engage. You will stop the junk, but you won't have a satisfying relationship. There is no partnership in constantly having to walk away from traps and emotionally disconnect, but that is the best possible outcome if he refuses to work his stuff too. I fear that because I am actually abusive, I may have a need to make Roger feel something is wrong with him. Of course you want him to feel something is wrong with him. Because, by now, you are seriously ANGRY! Of course there is something wrong with him. Each of you have stuff you need to fix. You've started fixing yours; he's got to fix his. Too bad he's so defensive; I wish he knew what a waste of energy his defense is....
Please give me your thoughts on this situation? I do not have much time invested in this relationship; should I just pack up and go home. These are the variables involved: You each have work. Do your work whether or not he does his; you will benefit. If hubby continues to hurt you, as he probably will since he knows no other way right now, you'll have to leave for your own sake. That may increase hubby's motivation to work on his own recovery. Don't leave to get him to work on himself! You leave because you are being hurt. If he's smart, he'll get to work. It is very difficult because I am still in love with him - I'm almost ashamed to say that. Is this marriage salvageable? I think I answered that: It depends on both of you. Pulling away or leaving often increases the partner's motivation to work on himself. Should you go this route, be very firm: "Work on yourself or no deal." (This is one of the few things that truly must be your way or no way. Even if he agrees, early on, watch, he'll say: "OK," then find new ways to thwart progress. Your job is to let him thwart all he wants - and leave.) I was happy when I was single; what are my chances of leading a healthy, happy life within this marriage? Rod does have many good qualities; and I adore his two sons - ages 10 and 7. We have some wonderful times together. They would be crushed if I left. That's sad, but it's also an example of your codependency. You have to come first! Put yourSelf first, and watch everything else fall into place... I need to do the right thing here. I look forward to your response, Dr. Irene. For starters, see if you're comfortable with some of these selections - and get yourSelf into counseling. Alone is fine. The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life , Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You, The Betrayal Bond : Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships , Boundary Power : How I Treat You, How I Let You Treat Me, How I Treat Myself. Good luck! Doc.
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Wednesday, August 01, 2001
10:16:02 PM
Hello Dr Irene I think your animation of the cat falling in the pond is excellent and I would like to learn how to do that sort of thing. Do I need to buy a special program or learn some computer programming language to get into animation? Gee whiz.., Thanks! I can't believe you're asking, but you are, so here goes: You will need to purchase software, and while some basic html knowledge is helpful, you don't need to "speak" Computerese. If it's of any relief to you, I've never read the manual to any of the graphics packages I use. (But I do fiddle around with them lots; my idea of play!)
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The animations are put together on
Macromedia's
Fireworks 4, my favorite program, and on my "can't do without" list. By
the way, Fireworks also created the graphical animated links right
under the site's top banner. It automatically created the html that
lets it animate and link. The elements comprising the animations vary, The pond animation is made of (1.) digital picture segments of my pond /fish and (2.) drawings of Trubble that have been cut and pasted together with other drawings or photos using Microsoft's Image Composer 1.5, a free graphics program that came with one of my versions of Microsoft's Front Page - and is my favorite because it's great at blending images - and is soooo easy to use. |
To make the animation:
I cut and paste images, blend them together, draw on them, etc. to make various parts of the animation, mostly in Image Composer and Fireworks. Sometimes I use Adobe Illustrator 9.0, depending on what I'm trying to do. No single program does everything equally well. I switch back and forth lots.
The animation's components, compiled in Fireworks, combine the following main elements in "layers":
Pond Pix:
Trubble Pix:
By the way, the third Pond Pix is just a cut out square of green pond water that was erased to make it look like the vortex that's created when something heavy is dropped in water. The forth Pond Pix is one of my Koi ("Little Sweetie") swimming with everything around her erased.
These images were spread over 14 frames. Brush strokes were layered over the water and text was added, all in Fireworks. The image was resized and reduced to load faster. (Ha ha... Despite my attempts at restraint, fast loading sites are not my forte.)
What makes it quick and easy is the vast library of Trubble positions, parts, expressions etc. I've compiled over time. I can quickly create just about any Trubble position or expression by combining pre-existing elements and/or sketching over a new combination. Thumbs Plus is absolutely positively the best software I've found to keep track of what pictures are in my files. (I've probably got thousands!) It's also good at resizing images and making color changes. Added bonus: it's real cheap!
Knowing what I know now, if I could start over - and I still very well may - I would consider Adobe Photoshop for the graphics. Photoshop is arguably the choice of the pros, but it's expensive. I would also consider learning Macromedia Flash for the animations. Flash produces a much more sophisticated animation that is surprisingly small in file size given the quality, but really requires the stupid manual be read. (I have the software, but in two years, haven't found time to read the manual!) Flash is very hot these days and is certainly worth a look by any aspiring animator.
In sum:
Yes, you need special software. No, you don't need to program; the software does that for you. Hope this was helpful; good luck to you! Dr. Irene
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Thursday, August 02, 2001
08:56:19 AM
Dr Irene: I wanted to update you on my situation.. I've written to you three times (each time hoping you would give me a magical solution).. (Gee, I wish I could...) Each time, you told me to set limits, and if it didn't work, to leave. Limit setting is easier said than done... Well, it got much worse.. my husband continued to bring the affair up every single day (eight months after discovery). One minute he'd seem fine, the next he was in my face telling me how horrible I was. On top of that, he was still treating me like a child and trying to control me. I had decided, finally, that I was going to tell him to leave. He beat me to it I'm not surprised., called me at work and told me he was leaving. We had a rather heated conversation on the phone. He hung up on me when I mentioned his verbal abuse. I went home that evening, my mind going 100 mph. My marriage was falling apart, I needed to somehow regain my sanity - I went home to mow the grass, and he pulled up in the driveway. I'm thinking, "Oh, no.. how is tonight going to be?" He walked up to me and said, "Hi honey, can I help you?" Giggle! just as sweet as he could be. I was flabbergasted! Later, I asked him, "What is going on? This afternoon, you tell me you're leaving, you've had it, and now you're acting like nothing happened!" He said "That doesn't mean I can't be nice to you." ???? He really doesn't want to leave, but can't admit it; he's looking for a way to save face. Over the next few days, he began moving out. I was unemotional. In the evenings, he wanted to hold me, and even wanted to make love! I couldn't believe it. Yes. Now, his memories are the good ones. That was one area we didn't have problems with, so I guess he wanted to hang onto that. He went out of his way to be nice and do things as a family. (Where has he been???) He has since moved out (one week ago), but he calls me every day, usually twice. He's devastated that I am not heartbroken and wanting him back. Right. Your attitude, as well as your actions, are prompting his misgivings. You were supposed to cling so he could cast you aside to show you how angry he is with you. I'll make you one promise: start caring and watch how quickly he starts casting you aside... I told him that I made myself clear; that he needs help, and if he refuses to get it, then I have nothing else to say. Excellent! He cannot understand my "sudden" strong will. Giggle! It's called, "fed up." You should be. He says he feels abused now, because I don't care about his feelings. Interesting definition of abuse: Your disengagement, which is honestly withdrawing from his space since it hurts too much (as opposed to neglect, which is abusive), is seen as stepping into his space! Shades of memememememe! Give it to him; don't argue. You'll only give him chances to trap you.
He reminds me how much he is suffering (over my affair).. I told him that as long as he thinks it's ok to talk to me like a 2-year old and to verbally attack me, then there's nothing left. He sees nothing wrong with anything he does. One minute he's telling me it's over.. that I'll never be what he wants, the next he's asking me why I'm so different and how could I not care. He said he has a need to still share things with me; that we were together for 14 years, and he can't just forget that. He keeps mentioning lunch together, and talks! I told him, "No." He has repeatedly refused counseling - he won't even go for our kids. I asked him to prove me wrong. Find a psychiatrist who says he's OK. Don't go there. It's not that hard to find a psychiatrist to say he's OK to him, if only to try to engage him in treatment. Drop that line and insist he get help because he treats you badly and thinks he doesn't, and because what you think doesn't matter. ... he gets angry when I even suggest it. That's "normal." I can't tell you how many angry types have come kicking and screaming into my office because they were being left - only to thank me later, once they've claimed their lives and often their marriage. Don't buckle. (He rejected our counselor because he said she was always favoring me). Don't go there. He'll find anything he can to hook you with. Be very clear that under no other circumstances will you consider even talking. And stop talking! Then be prepared: he will do everything in his power to win you over, wear you down, guilt you, etc. Don't let him. You will probably need support to stay strong because he is likely to be awfully compelling. He'll get you during a weak moment. What does he want from me? He thinks he wants you to be his good mommy, who always understands him, is there for him. Nobody can do that for another adult; what he thinks he wants is distorted. That's why he needs help. and how should I handle it? I am sooo weak when it comes to other's feelings.. Well, awful as it sounds: get strong fast. You have a golden window of opportunity right now. If you care about yourSelf and/ or this man at all, go find a counselor who understands abuse and narcissism. Then tell him he goes or it's a no go. Period. Ignore pleas and the unfairness of it. Ignore the background violin. Be the broken record, "Come to counseling with me. That is your only hope of talking." "But that counselor is biased, blah, blah." (Think: "Too bad.") Say:, "come to counseling with me. That is your only hope of talking." And go yourself. At the very least, the counselor will help you with the stuff that got you here in the first place. Warning: the hardest thing in the world for you, assuming you two get into treatment, will be to stay firm and unyielding - as your feelings soften and your hopes rise... It is a struggle for me not to feel bad for him.. to not feel sorry for him- but I'm doing really well in spite of it. I have not cried a tear since he left.. I feel liberated and whole again, and that is SO SAD. I am mourning the loss of myself, the loss of my marriage, the fact that I lived with this for so long, the fact that I FAILED TO SET BOUNDARIES, and let him treat me the way he did, and that I feel so responsible for it all.... YUK YUK YUK STOP! You did the best you could - and so did he. Stop beating yourself up; that's just more same ol' same ol'. This is a time for growth. Use the past to learn, not to blame! The emotions are so overwhelming, I don't know where to start. In treatment. Yes, it is very hard, but well worth the effort. Please, if you're feeling awfully horrible, ask your counselor or internist about an antidepressant to get you through this yukkiest part. Believe it or not, you two are in a wonderful place! Doc