Themes
While your relationship may not be
as extraordinary, or perhaps it is more so, too often partners are
deeply hurt by each other. Most of stories from both the women and men
had the same type of theme running though them.
I had a low self esteem for most of my early
adulthood.
All I heard was I was rubbish at everything
else. A bad mother etc.
He put me down daily
Nothing I ever did was good enough and he found a
1000 ways to tell me and show me that I wasn't good enough.
If I could only make him realize that what he was
doing was hurting me, he would stop and seek help.
And, I really do not care much anymore.
I believe he is trying (on his own without
admitting he has a problem) to stop getting so angry, but only time
will change and I don't really believe he can do it.
Real anger came as the abuse escalated.
I am only giving him the advantage when I let him
push the buttons that make me so angry.
But he is ripping my heart and soul apart with
his words.
Because I am so giving
I jumped hoops to get him to approve of me.
The Survey: Five
Questions
1. Tell us about yourself & your relationship:
We met at paramedic school. I didn't really
get to know him until the end of school. I knew he was married and it
wasn't until we started talking a lot that I knew of some of his
marital problems. He said they talked about divorce and I told him if
that's what he wanted he needed to figure it out. I was surprised when
he actually wanted out. He still lived at home with his wife for about
3 months and they got into a big fight and he asked to move in with
me, so he did. About 2-3 months later when my lease was up, his wife
moved out and we moved into his house (she couldn't afford the house
by herself).
I would say I really started noticing his
verbal and emotional abuse when we moved into his house. Little by
little he would get mad at the things I used to do like my running
every morning, now I was suppose to be home in bed naked with him,
even if all he was doing was sleeping. He would make comments about my
mom and things she was doing and how she supposedly was trying to keep
me away from him. He would always get mad when we were going to my
softball games, or when I would go volunteer at the firehouse. He
would tell me I wasn't trained right and they were putting me in harms
way and if I went on another call he would leave me. He would tell me
that I wasn't good enough to be a firefighter that I didn't have the
upper body strength and I was too small. (I am 5'3" about 130-135). He
got mad when I was supposed to be in my friends wedding and he
couldn't handle me walking down the aisle with someone else and having
to dance with someone else, though I'd never meet this man before. We
went around and around about this. He kept telling me he wasn’t'
going, then he was, etc. The day of the wedding, he knew no one and I
knew the bride and another friend of my friend's. Anyway he was only
with these people a few hours for the wedding, pictures, a whole hour
at the reception because we had to leave. One of the bridesmaid came
up to him at the reception after not evening knowing him and he really
didn't talk to anyone, she told him "it's people like you who kill
people and if we find her dead we'll know who did it." That's how bad
he was.
My family didn't know all of what happened but
my sister was at the wedding and told my mom she had never seen me so
scared. Anyway about a year after we'd been together, my mom, best
friend and brothers came and moved me out. He was not there. I did go
back to him after dealing with him for 2 weeks. So now he hates my
family, he doesn't know my friend was involved, nor does he know I
knew about it. Though I believe he does, when we have had fights
before he has said he doesn't believe I didn't know anything and I
just let him believe what he wants.
Anyway 3 years later I really don't see my
family and when I do he gets all pissed off and we fight for days. I
don't see my friends, I can't wear my jeans when he isn't around you
see men always stare at my butt because my jeans are too tight, I
don't wear my skirts because they are either too short or cut too
high. I have to be under his thumb 24/7.
I have found myself acting like him. The more
I yell the quieter he gets. I am so frustrated at myself almost as
much if not more than him because I am now the one losing control. I
hate the way I act and I am trying to get more control of myself and
stop getting mad and stop letting him get me mad. He has threatened
me, grabbed my collar, grabbed my throat, pushed me, & choked me.
Early on one night when he was drunk and calling me an "f___ing Wh_re"
repeatedly and then when he didn't stop after being asked over and
over I backhanded him in the chest. I am not proud of it but I have
not hit him again. I have gotten in his face and when he threatens to
"take me down right here" or "break my f__ing arm" I have told him to
go ahead if it will make him feel more like a man. I have pushed him
in the middle of a very intense heated argument when we both were
drunk. I am not making excuses for my behavior just explaining. Again
I am not proud of myself and have since walked away from him when I
feel that mad.
I believe he is trying (on his
own without admitting he has a problem) to stop getting so angry, but
only time will change and I don't really believe he can do it.
Are you bitter, hurt, feeling like
a victim, or just angry? Are you second-guessing yourself, “What could
I have done to prevent this?” Perhaps they cheated, they left you,
they were abusive, or they don’t send any money, they don’t want the
kid(s). Maybe you’re feeling badly because they are suing for more
money.
(Using generalities can be a
subject to controversies, so people may not fit any of these points
exactly but may be better in some, worse in others, you be the judge.)
2.
Are you still angry?
I am most angry that my son and
daughter don't have a normal family life
I am
angry a LOT! I feel hurt that I wasted so much time in my life.
YES! But I'm a stuffer and anger scares me. I hold things in and have
the hardest time expressing myself.
I am angry with myself still for staying so long
with him and tolerating him.
ONE OF THE THINGS THAT MAKES ME MOST
ANGRY, HOWEVER, IS TO BE SEEN AS OR HAVE SOMEONE ASSUME I WANT TO BE
SEEN AS THE "VICTIM"-THE "OH, POOR PITIFUL ME"!
Destructive
Anger
Anger is a normal, healthy, emotion if used
properly. If not, anger may get out of control and become destructive.
Without question, anger is the most abused of all human emotions. Many
of us must learn from early childhood the difference between
fierceness and violence. Too many people when they become frustrated
become violent. (However this is not a male problem alone. We find
more women are becoming violent over the last twenty years). Anger can
be horribly destructive if misused. Destructive anger, may impact your
work, any new or existing personal relationships, and how you react
with your children and others. If both parties are at war they will
inflict so much pain that both become wounded. When we talk about
anger we think the “natural” way to express anger is to respond
aggressively. If your anger level is close to the surface, just a
small amount of stress or frustration, may set you off. Your anger may
become baggage in all your new relationships. Most likely, the anger
will destroy the angry person and affects innocent victims around them
before (if ever) it injures its intended target. Note that the most
reliably substantiated emotional-physical link is the relationship
between anger and cardiovascular disease. It may be both righteous and
unrighteous.
The cycle theory, consisting of some form of tension
building stage, explosion stage, and honeymoon stage, is just one of
many theories around today. So, what happens with the hurt and wounds
that offend us? Many stuff it within and it goes unresolved. When over
time it’s left to stew and fester within your heart, it gets to the
boiling point, where it explodes. It seems that when anyone holds in
all of their emotions and tries to suppress them, the tension builds.
Observing the release of these suppressed emotions seems to verify
that the anger release is not in direct proportion to the event that
precipitated the explosion. The honeymoon stage is not difficult to
understand. After the incident is over, the individual who exploded
feels like a complete jerk. To make up for this inappropriate
behavior, he (sometimes she) behaves very nice and swears it will
never happen again. (In some cases where explosions happen over and
over, the offender begs to be forgiven.)
A good analogy is a
pressure-cooker with a clogged release valve. As the pot heats up, the
steam will build and build; explosion will follow. The solution to
the pressure cooker problem is the exact same solution for you or your
loved one. Release the tension slowly as it builds up.
Explosive relationships are damaging to children,
weather they watch their parents interact or whether they are the
target of the angry parent’s explosion The old adage, “Do what I say,
not what I do” is a truism. Parents teach their children by example.
They model appropriate or inappropriate behavior. Therefore,
the healthiest environment for your children is the one in which you
and your children’s other parent have built a working relationship
built around appropriate communication. This is not easy! But
neither is enduring a chaotic relationship easy on the kids.
3.
When you feel angry about
something, how do you handle your anger?
I start by just accepting
the feeling. Then I try and locate the 'anger spot' the actual real
reason for getting angry
I’m still not very good at
being angry, my therapist tells me that when someone is standing on my
toes, I should just push them off.
For the most part, I ignore things that happen
that might be "anger" points.
It takes a good deal of
fortitude to tell someone when I am upset. In fact, I am currently
trying to come up with a tactful way of discussing something with
someone.
When I'm angry, I write in my journal, where I can be just as snaky as
I need to be. Sometimes it helps to go
for a drive and listen to music (angry music) very loud.
I handle my anger as soon as
it's appropriate to do so. I don't want the anger to build up.
Breathe, and talk about my
feelings from a caring mode. I still need time outs for cooling down
time.
I used to keep things
inside. Actually, I'd try to vocalize and explain my reasons for
feeling upset (even explaining to them that it is only how I feel and
that feelings are irrational. That it's not black and white. That I'm
not wrong for feeling how I feel).
I rarely get angry -I
don't live with an angry person any more. If I do become angry, I try
not to speak until I am no longer emotionally aroused. Words spoken in
anger can be like daggers.
When I feel angry, I try to
do something physical like take a walk or clean (especially clean) and
let the anger wash through me and out.
I get so
angry with my ex that I scream, cry and punch a pillow. I have never
hit a person or an animal though; I am a very loving and gentle
person.
Constructive Anger is
Healthy
Anger is a powerful, healthy, and effective emotional response to
threat. The expression of anger can be expressed either in a
healthy or unhealthy manner. Anger is simply an emotion, a signal
that something needs your attention. Anger is what you feel
inside. The emotion is very different from what you do with
your anger. In essences anger is feeling mad in response to
frustration or injury or disappointment and an
emotional-physiological-cognitive internal state. Anger may energize
you to leave a bad relationship, friendship, or job. Anger gives you
the strength you need to fight and to defend yourself when attacked.
Anger, therefore, is necessary to our survival. The goal is to express
anger in a productive and non-aggressive manner. The goal is to
facilitate your objectives while preserving your self-esteem.
Blaming, shaming, guilting, accusations, threats and name-calling are
aggressive and inappropriate and are very bad habits! Plus once your
anger has passed, you will end up feeling badly about how you
behaved! It is difficult to attract a loving relationship if your
expression of anger is built around lashing out at others, even if
your lashing out is in response to another’s verbal aggression. It is
not easy to move onto another relationship after a bad experience.
Angry emotions can eat away at you and indeed make you physically
sick. If you feel anger is hurting you or those around you, try doing
what may be the most courageous and difficult thing you have ever
attempted in your life: nothing. Do nothing until you are calm enough
to understand what went wrong, decide if there are any constructive
steps you can still take, until, finally, you can let go of the anger
and forgive. Forgiving is one of the pivotal stages in resolving
anger.
Emotional Baggage: The “Stuff” Hidden
In The Closets Of Your Mind
We all
have some kind of “Stuff” cluttering our lives. It is so easy for the
psychological “Stuff” to accumulate. It can come from childhood
disasters, broken relationships, etc. We store this “Stuff” in
closets, attics, basements, and garages of our being. On the surface
no one can see how we hide all the garbage. But as someone wants to
get close to us and opens one of our doors everything comes down on
their heads and almost suffocates the innocent victim.
It is
not hard to understand as time goes by, that everyone starts to avoid
opening any of our doors. Sometimes we don’t realize the garbage is
all over. We think that when we got away from all the mess and when
the dump truck took that problem away from us, our life would now be
great. All this “Stuff” is different from one person to another. A bit
of post traumatic stress, a feeling of failure, blame, anger, resentment, and on
and on. We hide it in the garage,
attic, ………. but, anyone who visits us can’t step over it, or walk
around it. We think this new person will help us get rid of all this
stuff. Some might want to help but realize as they start the task that
a lot of this stuff is sharp; it cuts and even stabs. All we have
succeeded in accomplishing is to continue floating in our garbage and
drowning the potential lifeguards that try to save us. If you see
yourself living in this horror house of garbage, maybe just maybe, you
will realize it is time to do something about it. (What you say?
Should I move?) I don’t feel this method works for a lot of people. I
have been told sometimes your “Stuff” moves with you. What worked for
me was Spring-cleaning. I went to each area of my being and looked at
and felt (the emotions) of each item stored. I made a decision, which
I call a “Mind Set”. My mind set was to acknowledge forever that the
items I throw away would never be allowed to upset me again. They are
in the past as pages of an old book. My mindset of the future will be
writing new pages and chapters to complete the rest of my book of
life. I have held onto some of that old stuff as a beacon. For my
personality today is a composite of the good and bad stuff in my life.
The experiences I have faced have made me grow. I am today all of my
experiences of yesterday. I’m not holding on to be a victim, martyr or
a masochist. I want to use these experiences as the foundation to
build my new house. My “Mind Set” for the “Stuff” I toss out and what
I have saved is the same, I will never let them upset me again.
OK, let’s say you messed up in a
prior relationship. You’re human. We all mess up. Now you are free and
looking for a new partner.
The problem is that you will
likely feel hurt and frightened about getting hurt again. You may
over-react to another person’s behavior simply because it reminds you
of what you just went through. This is normal. If you don’t learn to
handle your anger and direct it in a way that is productive and
results in higher self esteem and a sense of personal power, you are
at risk of either repeating the relationship you just endured – or –
you are at risk of remaining so internally angry that out of your
fear, you come across hostile yourself. You may push away a compatible
person…
Bitterness can consume you and
make it almost impossible to move on to a new relationship. It is not
easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new when you
cannot trust that you will not get hurt again the next time. You want
to forgive, but not forget. The objective is not to forget what was.
The past cannot be changed. It cannot be erased. But you can learn
from the past! Forgiving is letting go.
Letting go admits I can’t control another, I can’t control a
situation, but I can control myself. To let go is not to change or
blame another but to allow another to be a human being (failings and
all). Forgiveness will reduce anxiety and depression while increasing
your self-esteem. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver far more than the
forgiven.
Resolve to better understand
yourself, your weaknesses, and specifically what went wrong – so you
don’t repeat what happened.
4.
For those who have
resolved the anger problem, How did you do this?
Tricky one. Partly by
feeling it, accepting it, and also accepting that I had a cause to be
angry. That for me was the hardest.
I resolve my anger by
working through issues and by talking them out with friends.
Venting, enjoying life,
reading a LOT about healing, learning how not to be co-dependent
While what she's done has hurt me to my core, I've put things in
perspective that seems to help. Being
angry with her is like getting angry at a rattlesnake - it is what it
is and does what is natural for it. I may not like the snake or what
it does, but it's pointless to get angry.
I saw the
situation in its true light. These are very weak and fearful people
(abusers), like little children.
Where Do I Start?
Lets examine your anger and ask some questions. The
responsibility for change begins with you. Whatever causes your anger
- a driver who just cut you off, a boss that yells at you, finding out
your partner has cheated, the ex who lies and doesn’t show up, drinks,
drugs, and so forth. Don't waste your precious energy blaming god,
your bad luck, the Democrats the Republicans, or shout, “This is
Not Fair!” Life is not fair. Your objective is act in ways that
are constructive. To speed your healing, keep in mind that,
the more you recognize what was not about you, but about the
other individual and their personal failings – and there is absolutely
nothing you can do about another’s failings, the more quickly you will
heal.
How you act is your responsibility. How you
react to internal states such as anger is your responsibility.
How you react despite what was done to you is your
responsibility. Do you have uncontrollable anger and rage? Or are you
still angry? Keep in mind that sometimes we don’t even recognize just
how angry we are! So pay attention, be mindful and try to determine
just how it is you feel. During a calm moment, ask yourself if there
is anything constructive you can do to resolve your anger. Ask
yourself if behaving angrily or wanting revenge is likely to help you
get what you want out of life. While revenge may feel good in the
moment, have you enhanced your self-esteem – as opposed to the
transient ego? Usually not.
Expression
of Anger
The appropriate expression of anger is a skill. Most
of us don’t learn appropriate anger management at home, especially in
homes where yelling or avoiding the angry topic is practiced. We are
taught powerful lessons by observing how our parents act and how they
handle anger.
The cornerstone of anger management is two-fold:
Never ACT in anger and practice, practice, practice how you would have
handled the target situation if you had the ability to do it over.
Eventually, you’ll find yourself in a situation – and you’ll handle
it!
Think of it as learning a foreign language. You
won’t learn to speak any foreign language unless you read it, hear it
used, and, hardest of all, trying to produce words and sentences on
your own. Building assertion skills to deal with anger-provoking
situations and responding in a way that is likely to promote an
effective outcome while increasing your self-esteem (you are proud of
yourself!) is where you want to go,
There are many wonderful books on the market to help
you notice your anger and effectively manage it. There are also
workshops and classes taught in high schools at night. Many of these
books and classes are titled “Assertiveness Training” or “Anger
Management” or the like.
Quick Rules of Thumb.
5.
If you've resolved your anger, what
benefits if any have been gotten?
I feel so much more free.
Less anger means no stomach pains, less headaches, and an easier time
sleeping at night.
I don't walk around angry
all the time.
I think changing the
direction of my anger instead of using it as self-sabotage, I use it
in a positive way and it gets me going...
I have found a lot of peace and
have realized that in letting go of being angry I have allowed myself
and my family to heal. I no longer find myself overcome with
feelings of helplessness borne out of the anger.
Look Closely At Your Motives
Many of our problems are emotional in nature or
provide some meager pay off. Could you be using your anger as a way to
stay connected to someone? ? While a negative connection, anger may
keep you from letting go of a past relationship. Are you afraid of
having no relationship? Are you frightened of having to forge your way
through singles’ events to find a new relationship? Are you hoping
that things will somehow magically change? Another reason why it's
hard to let go is because sadness and grief often underlie anger. An
individual going though a divorce or broken relationship must
recognize both the anger she feels toward her former partner for his
past behaviors, as well as the sadness that comes with having lost a
shared, precious dream. That ex is the person you once fell in love
with, the person you pinned your hopes and dreams on. They had the
qualities you were looking for. You shared times, events, friends,
holidays, trauma, perhaps births, with this person.
They loved you intensely. If fact, they still may
love you. But the problems in the relationship were more than you
could bear. Perhaps you loved a Dr. Jekyll and a Mr. Hyde. One you
loved with all your heart, "But the other I do not like,". One is the
fantasy, the image seen through rose-colored glasses, the promise, the
unrealized success, ability, possibility and capability. Your heart
becomes intoxicated and sees him with filters. He is not a real man
but a “potential.” That's the confusing part; you do not like him but
your heart is keeping him. What you love, the qualities of Dr.
Jekyll, are the parts that need to grow and to take over his complete
body and snuff out the bad Mr. Hyde. Most of the divorces that make
up the fifty-two percent of divorces figure would go down all over the
United States if Dr. Jekyll would win the battle. You cannot live
life with your heart alone. You must use your head. The bad was very
bad. Thus your confusion. Yes, it is confusing to love someone and
hate someone too. But, you loved the good of that person not the bad.
The bad is what eroded the love and pushed you to make the choices you
did. It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. It
can be more difficult still when you interact with the wonderful,
caring side of them now. Having to walk away from such a relationship
can be the hardest thing you ever did. To let go of your past
relationship, forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that
his total behavior was who he is. Sometimes he was wonderful (you may
always love that part of your ex), and sometimes he was horrible.
Someone wrote, “Now over time, I will get over, getting over, loving
you.” You must let the offender go free. In order to conquer fear you
must face it head on. Recognize you were in a dysfunctional
relationship (that you may have or may not have contributed too).
Awareness of your own personal responsibility will help you break the
connection and start moving in the right direction. Be careful that
you don’t get into a cycle of self-blame, guilt, anger that will erode
your self-esteem and creates negative emotional consequences. You may
be thinking the wrongdoer, who has committed all these hurtful acts,
has no right to be forgiven. But, forgiving is one of the pivotal
stages in resolving anger. Remember forgiving someone is not
forgetting or condoning what they did. In addition to your anger you
may be going though a grieving period. Yes, losing a relationship is
the death of the relationship and people go though a grieving period.
When someone loses a loved one, be it from a broken relationship, the
death of a relationship, divorce or death they go through a series of
stages. The time it takes to go through each stage is different for
each person. Timing has a lot to do with who it was, how long you
were together, how it ended, who ended it, and many other factors. The
rough sequence of the steps is:
Denial. You can’t believe this is
happening. Shock, numbness, and believing something will happen to
make it change.
Anger. Having no hope, loss of
heart, feelings of guilt, if I only……
Depression. Sadness, hopelessness,
the end of the world, I will never be happy again.
Acceptance. Concession, belief,
recognition, I will go on.
It is possible you will cry within
each of the steps above. It is also possible to go into a new stage
for a while, fall back into a previous stage, and go forward once
again.
A New Life
There is a life after loss. It
might sound like a contradiction but it is not. It feels like a piece
of ourselves has died when that person leaves us or we leave them. It
seems impossible that life goes on without the person we loved so
much. I lost my first wife when she was twenty-eight and I was
thirty. We had two sons seven and three. I remember taking the boys
to a diner to eat after the funeral. People were eating, talking and
laughing. Trucks and cars were passing by. I could hear the music
from the radio. The singer was Skeeter Davis, singing a song about
“Why do the birds go on singing….” My world had come to an end. A
large piece of me was just torn from my body and I was dying. Why was
the world going on? How could people be laughing? How could trucks
keep running? And why, oh why do the birds go on singing? But life
does go on, and with it comes a very long, painful process. Grief is
a quiet thing. Grief is part of life. When we lose someone it
becomes one of the most stressful events in our life. There is life
after a loss. It is different, but life nevertheless. Very slowly over
time, finding joy again is possible. You will find that activities
you enjoyed as a “ten” on a scale of one to ten (ten being the high
end of the enjoyment scale), no longer make you feel good; they have
dropped to a one. Plus, you have no desire to do the activities. You
might start to withdraw from all types of activities and from
associating with people. The paradox of this situation is that part of
the healing process is time and the other part is to continue life.
Give yourself the time to heal. The healing time required will vary
from one person to the next. Eventually, the time will come that you
must force yourself to get on with your life. Being happy, having fun
and enjoying yourself has a lot to do with your mind-set, even when
times are hard and things are not going your way. When you decide
that it is time to get out and have fun and enjoy yourself, even if
you are alone, you will be making solid progress. Maybe your
suitcase flew to another state, the waiter dropped your dinner order
on you, the hotel clerk gave your room to someone else, you ran out of
gas, and…..you get the picture. Don’t let it derail your plans or the
hope of a rewarding day. You can dwell on the events that did not go
your way and get depressed and unhappy, or you can have a mind-set to
laugh at all the things that occurred.
Emerging from a divorce or broken relationship with
a healthier perspective of life requires viewing yourself as much more
than a significant other. Your identity goes well beyond the
tremendous pain you associate with that role. Look at where you are in
life. Self-acceptance is to realize you are today the result of all
your life's experience. Each of us is a composite of our
experiences--the good, the bad, and the ugly. When someone comes into
our life they accept us for who we are, baggage and all. Imagine we
are in a “Garage Sale,” sitting in a driveway on some old table. You
buy us “as is.” Think of it more as if we were a valuable, rare
antique piece of furniture. Each bump, bruise, and scratch are part
of the history that makes this antique so scarce, precious, and
valuable. Just like the antique, we cannot be replaced even through
we contain flaws. You might be able to do some restoration, renovate
pieces, and recondition areas; but you are not going to change a
dresser into a chair. Be very realistic as to just how much we can
change and to what degree idiosyncrasies can go away.
Fear
Many people must overcome fear to
have success in changing patterns of the past. The fears may be
many, from being able to love someone again, to allowing someone in to
love you, or the fear of being happy. The fears come from various
places—a bad (or abusive) relationship, perhaps from bad experiences
in childhood or adulthood, loving someone whom then abandons you,
being in what at first seemed a good relationship, but then becomes a
disaster. Do you purposely sabotage a
relationship? Some of us subconsciously sabotage the relationship.
Fear of being hurt again, or disappointed, or not being able to have
and maintain a relationship.
The mind becomes very black and white. Your fear
tells you that you trusted once before and were hurt. That hurt was
so painful that you may feel you could never again go through that
kind of pain. So you start building a wall around you--a wall so big
that you will not allow anyone to come though it. But, you pay a very
big price for that protection. Having that wall so big and strong, you
are not allowing the feeling of love to get in nor can you get love
feelings out. Listen to the other person. Try to feel what they are
saying as well as hearing what they say.
When you were a baby
just learning to walk, did you stop trying to walk because you had
fallen? Of a more serious nature, if you’re in a car accident, will
you ever get in a car again?
To try again is the
brave thing to do. Each time you fail, use the failure as a lesson to
not make the same kind of mistake the next time. However, do have a
next time and continue to have next times until life is what you want
it to be. In learning to play a musical instrument, you must
practice, practice, practice. Analyze the previous mistakes. See
where you went wrong. Read books about the subject. Take lessons.
Talk with experts. Learn, learn, learn, which will equate to
practice, practice, practice.
Having Fun
Our readers are not all at the same
place. Some of you are at the beginning of your journey of overcoming
your pain. Others are mid way and some are emerging from the other
side. When you are past the anger, fear and grieving, “Having
fun” are the next steps you may want to take. For those who are not,
you may want to take this section and save it to read some time in the
future.
I like to think of this section as
if you’re writing your life story. Each page an event or episode. Many
pages equaling a chapter. Many chapters will finally complete your
book. Be the writer and director. You are ready to start the chapter
of having fun.
For the last forty years, women's
magazines have published surveys asking what their readers want from a
relationship. One word has been on all the lists of answers and has
moved up on the lists in importance. That word is "fun" (sense of
humor, jokes, laughs, etc.). With the everyday stress of raising
families, working, shopping, and driving, we need to unwind. Experts
believe that relieving stress, having fun, possessing a sense of
humor, and laughing freely enhances the chances of decreasing
tension. (That also means the ability to laugh at us.) What we need
to do is find the “little boy” and “little girl” within us and get
them to come out and play. Fun bonds us and creates memories for many
years. When fun is missing, the relationship is headed for trouble.
I encourage both of you to spend a lot of time and effort preparing
your fun lists. I started one for you. Substitute my desires with
yours.
Begin implementing some of these activities and
ventures into your lifestyle today.
Wayne's Fun List:
Riding motorcycles
Mountain climbing
Jet skiing
Going on a picnic with just the
two of you
Hot air ballooning
Taking a walk in the rain
Taking a vacation together
Going away to a bed and breakfast
Bungee jumping
Hang gliding
Flying
Dancing
Mountain hiking
Nature hikes
Undersea exploring
Rafting
Going out to a movie or staying in
and renting one
Tennis
Horseback riding
Scuba diving
Surfboarding
Body surfing
Snorkeling
Visiting national parks, museums,
nature centers, flower gardens
Windsurfing
Swimming
Sharing a sunrise or sunset
Camping
Cooking and baking exotic dinners
together
Taking a walk on the beach and
watching the sunset
Concerts
Stage shows
Canoeing
Riding a snowmobile
Bicycle riding
Peddler village shopping and
buying ice cream cones
Ice boating
Ice skating
Some of us have spent our entire
life wanting to do some of these events plus others, but always feel
we are too busy and don’t have the time. However, we can promise
our loved one and ourselves we will do these things in the future.
The secret of succeeding now, is to set a planned day in advance.
(Paid for in advance if possible. Statistics show that more
people who pay in advance show up and do the event compared with those
who would like to go but do not pay, because they lose nothing if they
don’t show up.) Mark each event off your list as you
complete it. Continue until all those things you felt would help
your life become more fulfilling; complete, exciting, and invigorating
are accomplished. Be flexible and do your list and add your partner’s
list, too. You may find doing some of both lists exciting!
Post your
comments, below!
About the Authors:
Wayne L. Misner is owner of Healthcare CIO,
a consultant company in New Jersey and author. (His book, “Men Don’t
Listen” is absolutely a must read for women as well as men). He has
been in the healthcare field for thirty-five years. In addition, he
became the Vice President of Programs and Education for a NJ chapter
of Parents Without Partners, where he moderated men and women’s groups
across the state. For ten years, he had the opportunity to facilitate
many groups of men and women who were struggling with not being able
to listen. While at the Rehabilitation Hospital he also was a
facilitator of the women’s group for both inpatients and outpatients.
Over all these years he has installed systems in Jersey Shore Medical
Center (Meridian Health System), St. Elizabeth Hospital (Trinitas),
and Morristown Medical Center (Atlantic Health System). In addition,
he has directed the Information Systems Centers at Carrier
Rehabilitation Hospital and Shore Memorial Hospital. As Vice President
of the Princeton based NJ Hospital Association, Mr. Misner represented
all the hospital members directing, “The Hospital Information System.”
He
is the father of two sons and one daughter and is one of the men he
has written about.
Email:
MenDontListen@aol.com
Web
page: MenDontListen.com
Irene
Matiatos,
PhD is a Licensed Psychologist in full time private practice in NY &
NJ. She is the author of Dr. Irene’s
Verbal Abuse (Site)!
A cognitive-behaviorist, Dr. Irene works anger and abuse issues with
perpetrators and/or their victims. She also specializes in
addiction, eating disorders, post traumatic stress as well as panic,
anxiety, depression and general psychological disorders. Having
earned her doctorate in psychology from Long Island University in
1990, in the past she was Director of Quality Assurance and Treatment
Team Leader at Blaisdell Alcoholism Center in Orangeburg, New York
and was a Senior Psychologist at Rockland Psychiatric Center, also in
Orangeburg NY.
copywrite 2002 Wayne
Misner & Dr. Irene
