 | Never forget that your partner's objective is to engage you
in a fight; to provoke and provoke and provoke until you lose your cool and blow up. Now
your partner has you exactly where he or she wants you: looking totally nuts and
irrational. "See, you are nuts!" They get to blow off some steam and you get
blamed. Don't go there. |
| Do not take the things your partner says personally. They are
not about you. They are about your partner's attempt to engage you. |
| Never, ever defend your position. That puts you in a one-down
position. You have no reason to explain yourself to anyone (but yourself). You don't need
anyone's permission or approval. Don't bother trying to change someone's mind or make them
see your point. It doesn't matter. |
| Always control your tongue. Don't react when your partner
tries to provoke you. Disengage. You are being dragged into another fight - you won't win.
|
| When you do speak, speak calmly. Be firm. Be assertive and
never lose your cool. Do not say things you don't mean or things that will hurt your
partner. You are just getting dragged into a fight you won't win. |
| Use the "broken-record" technique. When the
questions won't stop, calmly repeat your reply over and over again: "This is not the
time. Stop now or I will go." "This is not the time. Stop now or I
will go." Etc., etc., etc. |
| If the provocation won't stop, get out of the line of fire.
Calmly leave (e.g., no door slamming) or have your partner leave. |
| When you are hurt by acts of withholding or omission, don't
complain or nag. Back off. Pull back and either forget it or go get / do it yourself. |
| Read Suzette Haden Elgin's You Can't Say
That To Me! Click title to get it at  |
1999.
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