The
combinations of the mixed family unit come in many varieties: her
kid(s), his kid(s), and their kid(s) together. The ages of the kids
and the stages they are going though also create different problems at
different times during the relationships. Disciplinary methods create
a very large problem. Both partners will have their own style of
discipline and the consequences to be paid when your rules are not
followed. Even the consequences you come up with might change
depending upon your mood or based on how you felt that day or at that
particular moment.
When
my children were growing up, the local hospital ran a seminar over a
ten-week period (one night a week) on parenting children. I will share
some of the recommendations given. I did apply them, and in most
cases, they did help and many did work. The first one (and I believe
if you are the biological parents or stepparents this should be done)
is to sit down together without the kids, and write out the rules of
the house. This works for a single parent also. Both of you must
agree what constitutes the rules and what the consequence will be if
the rules, are broken.
The
rules and consequences are different for each age. An example might
be if your son is thirteen, on school nights the rule is that he
must be home by 10:00 p.m. The consequence if he were late (by
fifteen minutes) would be grounding the next night. When both of you
agree what the rules and the consequences are, they should be typed.
A meeting with each child to go over, in detail, every rule and
consequence should be held. The child must understand each one
thoroughly and then sign at the bottom of the list making a contract
between all of you. This signing makes the contract appear more
bonding.
I
cannot stress how important it is that both of you present a united
front to the children on the rules. If you do not, the child will
play both of you against each other. The child might do this
subconsciously, the divide and conquer concept. Without the rules and
the bonded contract, the child would challenge the stepparent with,
“You’re not my father” or “You’re not my mother.” The kids resent the
outsider coming into their space and feel now, more acutely, the loss
of their parent. The kids will fight the rules if they believe the
non-parent set the rule. You both must be united in this effort.
Behind closed doors you can disagree and discuss, but in front of the
kids give the appearance that the two of you set the rules. The kids
must believe the outsider is just supporting the biological parent in
enforcing the rules.
Another area, which will help eliminate potential problems, is the
handling of an allowance. The allowance should be in two pieces, a
flat amount and an incentive scale allowance. The flat amount is
given the same time and day every week with no strings attached. (The
allowance should be paid without the child asking for it.) They do
not have to do housework or homework to earn this portion. This
allowance is given to teach the child the meaning of money. If they
spend the allowance the first day, then they learn to wait for next
week to have money again. If they want something which costs more
than the weekly allowance, they must save some money over time to buy
the item wanted. The amount of the allowance should be based on the
age of the child; the older the child, the larger the amount of
allowance.
The
second piece of the allowance is connected to chores. A figure is
established for each chore, i.e., wash dishes, take garbage out, mow
lawn, wash car(s) etc. Now when they want something, the incentive is
not to take just the regular allowance but add to it the incentive
allowance by doing extra chores during the week. You want to
encourage the extra chores. This method is building the foundation
for adulthood. When adults work harder and produce more, they
normally get paid more.
