Comments to Recovery Map: Life During & After Abuse

Courtesy of Dr. Irene Matiatos  Copyright© 2000. The material on this website may be distributed freely for non-commercial or educational purposes provided that author credit is given. For commercial distribution, please contact the author at Doc@drirene.com.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

I have read this incredible journey and am glad to find this wonderful woman was able to find and have her life. I am on this journey too and I pray I can be brave to go on. I wanted to ask...how do you find a good therapist that deals with this issue?

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

I have read this incredible journey and am glad to find this wonderful woman was able to find and have her life. I am on this journey too and I pray I can be brave to go on. I wanted to ask...how do you find a good therapist that deals with this issue? H.E.L.P.

 B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

Thank you for sharing your incredible experience. It has helped me more than words could ever express. Some days are better than others during the process and when a bad one hits, all I have to do is go to this site for strength, support and a reminder of why I need to keep pushing forward through the maze. Your eloquent story was just what I needed today. Best wishes and thanks again for sharing.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

WOW, your story is so much like mine. We have just split up and I feel it is all my fault. I didn't give enough. How is it they can have such power over you that you feel that you failed and are 100% responsible? I feel like a failure and that I am to blame. If I had only made things more special, had I spent more time had I given up more for them, things would be different. How long does it take to feel better and how is it they make you feel like they are the victim? That they are the ones suffering and that they are the ones who gave 100% and we failed them? They ay they are hurt and disappointed we let them down. WOW I'm the bad guy!

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

Thank you. I'm just now exiting a nightmare - and like the writer I'm reading books and everything I can get my hands on. It hurts so horribly - sometimes I think the aftermath pain is worse than the pain the abuse inflicted. What is comforting is to know I'm not crazy for still missing him, loving him. Financially I'm barely getting by, barely. Emotionally I'm of course much better. There was so much hope going into the relationship, I had known him for 10 years in the same business. Never really knew why his relationships all failed. Now I do. What a horrible surprise. I had never known abuse before, and it was hard to believe for the past 2 years, I just always thought it had to be me, of course. I'll survive - thank you for your help. Merri

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

And the people said - "AMEN".

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

What an uplifting and honest account of recovery!

Today some odd things happened which left me feeling that my husband was the real victim, and I was the abuser. I dove back into P. Evans' book, came back to this site, read for an hour or so, and then read this very frank and spiritual account of one woman's incredible journey. Her story is so like mine, except that I have been separated for only five months. It is a little early for me to feel like one of the eagles. (A pigeon is more like it.) But, for today, things are back in perspective, thanks to this sister of mine whom I have yet to meet. I have bookmarked this page and plan to come back as needed (read "often.") Many thanks to the author and to you, Dr. Irene.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/13/2000

S1

Your story sounds so much like mine. It has been two and a half years since I left my abusive ex. I am still, however; trying to deal with the fall-out. I can accept the fact that I allowed him to control me. And I have moved on with MY life. He continues to harass and stalk me even though he has moved to a distant state. I have complained to the local sheriff and they sanctioned him via letter. Unfortunately I am required to allow him my phone number so that he can talk to our daughter. Wishing that a meteor would hit him........

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

Thank you to this brave and strong woman...it hurts, I'm still in my relationship, trying to assert myself, and she's right on every issue. Taking responsibility for your own behavior and contribution to someone else's behavior is where I hope to be. It's the hardest road, and definitely the road less traveled. But with this site and reading posts like this wonderful insight woman's, I have a better map. Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

Life altering indeed! I am constantly amazed by the similarities in our (the verbally abused) stories. I could have changed a few minor details in your story and called it my own........up to the point of closure. I have grown a great deal, unfortunately I am still in great pain at times. I want you to know that as I came to this site tonight, I was having a hard time reading through the flood of tears......I'm so glad I did! I am so uplifted and encouraged by your story. Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank You, You don't know how bad I needed this. God Bless You! Julie

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

Thanks so much for sharing. I can relate to so much of what you wrote and have to admit that I am tempted to email it to my verbally abusive husband who will be moving out of my home within the next couple of days. I am tempted to mail it but I won't because I figure that this is just another codependent attempt to try to get him to see himself as he really is and God knows I have spent way to much energy doing that. He is moving out because I have stood up for myself and my children, because I have requested that he go back to therapy, because I refuse to agree with his every thought, because I no longer want to be controlled by a man who has no genuine consideration for me. He is leaving because I know that I cannot go on in this marriage and maintain my sense of individuality or sanity. I am tired of trying to make everything okay. He is leaving and I know that I will be better for it. I am sad, yes, but I am also very relieved. I expect to go through some stuff here in the next few weeks and I like your idea of going to my journals to remind myself of how he treated me so that I won't be taken in by his charming but insincere apologies.

Thanks for sharing!!!! Mavis

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

I am in the process of learning lots of things which are helping me. Dr Irene's site has helped me and so has the emotionally abused woman by Patricia Evans. I have learnt so many new skills in such a short time. The biggest is personal responsibility. And saying how you feel. I went back to my abuser. I know the roles I've played in the past. I've had lots of support. Lots of changes have come about but it has taken lots of courage. I don't have physical violence to contend with but I do have emotional abuse. It was much worse until I started to stand up for myself in an assertive way. I don't feel guilty any more for the saying "Yes or no". I don't engage anymore. I take personal responsibility and I can admit the co-dependency which crippled me for years. I've so many new found friends to support me and help me to make changes. I've learnt from real people who've experienced what I've experienced and still am. One of them is a ex-abuser who has guided me through all of this. His wife left him and now he feels its too late. I myself have helped him to make the changes, he needs to make to over come his abusive behaviour. I have helped him to see how a victim feels. He has shown me how an abuser feels and is.

One day I may up and leave, however, I am enjoying my new found independence. I agree totally with what you've said. I do though think that if an abuser is made to see the consequences. To be told your feelings as I am learning. To have to clean up after his tantrums. He may see it in himself to change. Maybe this is being hopefully or naive. All I know is that my friend who is an ex-abuser has lost his chances, maybe after my husband has endure his mom running out on him, I might be his only hope in trying to change.

I've never ruled out getting out. For now though I am still trying.

From Still waiting.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

I enjoyed reading your story. I have a big problem. I am a mother of a daughter who is being verbally abused. I know it, and my daughter is realizing it. She is planning to be married in June. At the moment, her fiancé is not speaking to her because she went out to eat with me and her sister and did not ask for his permission. My daughter told us that if she disagrees with him, they argue and it is not worth it. My daughter is a teacher and is going for her Master's Degree. Jon tells her she is wasting money that they could use, and that she should wait until they are married and stable financially to go. Even though he has completed his Master's Degree. The two of them have purchased a house recently and anything she wants to buy for herself, he throws up in her face that the money could be better used for the house. When she is dressed up, he criticizes everything she has on. Now he is telling her that she depends on her family too much, and when is she going to grow up. My daughter is a very quiet and easy going person. But, she is starting to look withdrawn. When her father and I tell her why is she going through this marriage, and that when they do marry it will only get worse she says she feels bad about the money we put towards the wedding. We have told her that money makes no difference. When she tells him that she loves him, he will say "same here." He says that he does not need to tell her he loves her because she should already know. He told her recently, that she was to go to the store then wash his car and be back in 45 min. When she came back late, he yelled at her for wasting time. One more thing, my daughter had to write a short paper for her Master's class, and did not have time to type the paper, so she asked Jon to type it. He said sure (which was not like him). Well, anyway, she took the paper, ran out the door to teach, tutor, and then go to class and hand in the paper without looking at it. The next day, the professor hands her the paper back with a message saying to see her after class. She asked Danielle to read it. Danielle started to cry when she read what he wrote. Instead of "our" in a sentence he wrote "are", instead of "to" he wrote "too", and so on. Now Jon has a Master's in English. When she confronted him with this, he started to laugh and said, "I bet that is the last time you ask me to do your work." All she asked him to do was type. I ask you, is this someone who loves you and will do anything for you. Please help me. Evette PS My home email is ronflex@home.com. or my work is exflex@shhspgh.org

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

dear RMM thank you for sharing your story. I am so scared to admit that I am in a verbally abusive relationship. It means everything to know I am not alone. thank you, ---adele

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

What a brave and insightful woman! I have the same thoughts--"OH, I can't be a divorced woman", and "what about the kids?" and "I can't bear to hurt him and his family". But I'm proud to say NOW I see how Codependent that is.

I am not in the courageous place yet where I can say "OUCH, that hurts! and cut it out!" But this letter shows what setting limits "looks like". Thank you for writing it and to Dr. Irene for posting it.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

This story is truly inspiring. I am in a (verbal) abusive marriage. I relate to everything that has happened to you. It gives me some comfort that I am not alone. And, I'm learning more about this behavior. I am absolutely afraid of making a choice. I've been put down a lot by my husband and he doesn't appreciate me. He's threaten to leave me, if I don't shut up about our problems. He's been lying to me about going to work. I don't know if he's cheating on me. Now, I'm keeping quiet. Hopefully, one day I will build enough courage to move on with my life without him.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/14/2000

S1

Thank you for posting your story - so much of it I can relate to. I was in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship for the last 4 years. It ended last June when he threatened to kill me if I did or said anything that would hurt him. However, it is still going on in ways as of course I left with nothing and he has everything - which drives me mad sometimes but I realize I must accept how things are. But it's like he's got a new girlfriend, he has the house, he has the furnishings, the vehicles etc. He's in no pain, just going on with his life while the pain goes on and on for me. How do you deal with it? I'm having such a hard time getting over this - is there a way.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/15/2000

S1

WOW! This is the road I am standing on exactly and I read myself in between the lines. I am now ready to take that bumpy road less traveled, Because I never want to go down the "easy way" again. The cost of my self-worth and soul is just too much. I didn't realize up until that I have been taking small steps to this road of recovery and while I an somewhat unsure and scared it's better than anything else I have felt in a long time.

Thanks. Paula

B1: Submit
Date: 01/15/2000

S1

I only pray I come through my darkness. Someone once told me God keeps turning the fire up until you finally realize you are being burned and it's time to get off. I praying he is right because right now it is pretty hot and I know it is time to get off. I just don't know how. Thank you for your story it is very similar to mine only I still in the midst of hell.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/15/2000

S1

I don't have any comment about the story, but a complaint about your site - I have to scroll back and forth to read it. in other words, the lines are way too long from left to right and won't fit in my screen to allow me to read the entire line at once, without the constant scrolling. really an annoying problem

B1: Submit
Date: 01/16/2000

S1

Like others, this story is also my story. I'm just starting the divorce process...I left my verbally abusive husband two months ago. It's a very, very sad time in my life and I would like to hear from others who are "disentangling" from an abusive relationship. It's such a huge relief, but at the same time, such a sad and lonely time. If you're in this situation and would like to email me, my address is expansioncomm@juno.com. God bless everyone who is moving ahead to a better, stronger place in life. I know we'll all make it!! --Jemma

B1: Submit
Date: 01/16/2000

S1

Thank You so much for having the courage to share your store with others. I too am a victim of verbal abuse and must find the strength to leave. Articles like yours help me realize I am not alone. Thanks again.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/16/2000

S1

You know. I have been in a verbally abusive relationship for ten years, and it looks as if we are finally divorcing. I get so sick to my stomach that there are so many men acting like children. What ever gave them the idea that they could be so abusive???? I have been through many attitude changing events during this time, and I am just glad to read every single story about all of you brave women who are not putting up with it. Whether you leave or not, the fact that you no longer buy into the "you are so lame..." attitude makes my heart rejoice. Its fun getting a life, isn't it? Laura

B1: Submit
Date: 01/17/2000

S1

Thank you for sharing. I saw so much of myself. Your #1 reason for not seeing it is what I finally realized, too; that I would have to end the marriage, give up the dream, face all the wasted(?) years. It was so hard to finally accept, especially after 19 yr. & 6 kids. Evan's The Verbally Abusive Relationship  also helped me tremendously. Also a tape series by Dr. Margaret Rinck on co-dependency (another wrenching eye-opener about myself). I've not gone down the recovery path as far as you yet. My husband just left Christmas Eve "99, as you said, they know how to ruin every special holiday, which he did consistently. We are currently (and I say, for myself, happily) separated. Although I have 6 kids, 10 months to 17 yr., & no job, etc., I finally feel I have hope for a better life. Thanks for confirming it not only gets better, but gets GOOD.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/17/2000

S1

I have been in two verbally abusive relationships, one of them right now. I tried to go to work this morning and when I got there, I asked my boss if I could take a personal day. I am drained, I look drawn, older than my years. I am lonely for companionship and long for my boyfriend to hold me and tell me it will be alright. But what happens, is the same every time. I am told that what is happening is my own fault, that if I treated him like a man it would be different. I have dropped out of college because getting a degree threatens him (I was in college when we met-he never mentioned it threaten him when we started dating). I have turned my back on a male friend (never been more than a friend) I went to school with and have known for over 25 years because my boyfriend says it just isn't right that I have a male friend that calls me. He said I can't be trusted. I've stopped hanging out with most of my friends (I live in Alaska, no family, but a large network or friends and people I do things with-dancing, walking, pot lucks, church, etc) because they threaten him also. He has bad things to say about each of them. Of course, the more they watch my retreat, they see what is happening from the outside. A couple of them have mentioned it to me.

I looked at my face in the mirror when I got up this morning and I was shocked at what I saw. I am on 100 mg of Zoloft for Anxiety Disorder and I believe now that I am depressed. Especially after reading this website. I believe I may be clinically depressed. I don't feel suicidal. But I do feel lifeless, expressionless. That is not who I am. Who I am is what attracted him to me and then it is what he came to hate and felt most insecure by. I want to be who I am.

I'm going to take my dog, David, for a long walk. I'm going to go by Barnes and Nobles and pick up "Men who hate women, and the Women who love them" and I am going to read it. I am also going to connect back with a counselor I was seeing until it became too uncomfortable. I quit seeing her because she said she was afraid for me. It was too awkward to think about what she said and stay in the relationship.

I'm going to change my phone number and change my cell number. That will eliminate two ways for him to contact me. He has been physically abusive to me so when I tell him that I no longer want to be in this relationship, I am willing to call the police if he shows up at my home. I'm ready to do that.

I've lived in Alaska for 19 years, it might be time for a change of scenery. Closer to family. My brother's about ready to have his first child. It would be nice to be closer to them.

Thank you for having this site for me to come upon. Thank you for sharing, in detail, your story. Wish me luck and determination to stay on track. Take Care.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/17/2000

S1

I have to say this letter cut straight through my soul to my heart as I read "my life and feelings" in this letter. I also endured physical and sexual abuse during my marriage to my alcoholic husband. I spent many years with hate in my heart for him but did not leave out of fear he would kill me, as he threatened countless times. So often our fights that lasted several hours ended in him choking me until I would start to black out. I would swear to myself I am getting out tomorrow! but then I would listen to his words of being so sorry and disappointed in his self and how I don't understand how far I pushed him and I have to really not do that. he would cry and I would believe his conviction that he would never hurt me again. Even though I told myself there was no excuse for his violent reactions and poor treatment of me I would always end up believing it was my fault, I made him lose his temper and lose control. Every night he would come to bed drunk and wake me up trying to have sex me. I would always reject him. then it would turn into a horrible fight. he would hold me down and force me. I would kick him and he would punch my legs. We would get in these horrible fights where he would call me so many horrible names and tell me I was just fooling everyone, everyone thought I was this great person I pretended to be but really I was not. Finally I just got tired of being hurt and losing in the end anyways so I began to just lay there and pretend to not even wake up. every night I would swear in the morning I am leavening. but then when morning came my responsibilities of my children and my house got the best of me. I thought as long as I was the only one getting hurt and I could hide that from the kids then that was okay. After all what wouldn't you do for your children. I wanted to be with them, if I left I wouldn't be able to stay home with them and my goal came to be I would leave when the youngest one started school and that way I could give them as much of me as possible. Once they were all in school during the day I could return to work and get us out of there. I couldn't make it that long I began to fall apart and fell into deep depression. I decided to give him an ultimatum either he get help for his drinking or I would leave. He went into rehabilitation. However that was the end of the nightmare I thought it would be. The physical and sexual abuse stopped but the Emotional and verbal abuse increased. I have been working diligently on my marriage trying to change him through changing myself. Getting rid of my Codependent characteristics and working so hard on myself. What I have come to realize is I can not make him secure enough to stop the emotional abuse. I am going to get out and take care of me and my children. I do not want them growing up in a home that will groom them to repeat the same mistakes I have. Thank you so much for that letter! it has made it so clear to me my decision is the right one.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/18/2000

S1

RMM, I couldn't believe how your account is almost exactly what I'm faced with in my marriage. I left my husband , but returned because we have a child and I felt it was the best thing for him. I've totally lost who I am and how I feel. I'm "paranoid" and he can't discuss anything with me because I'm irrational. Well, I'm trying to make the most of a really bad marriage. We really don't have a marriage, but a partnership in my opinion. I will revisit your essay, read it again.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/18/2000

S1

RMM, I couldn't believe how your account is almost exactly what I'm faced with in my marriage. I left my husband , but returned because we have a child and I felt it was the best thing for him. I've totally lost who I am and how I feel. I'm "paranoid" and he can't discuss anything with me because I'm irrational. Well, I'm trying to make the most of a really bad marriage. We really don't have a marriage, but a partnership in my opinion. I will revisit your essay, read it again.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/18/2000

S1

Dear RMM, At the moment, I am sitting here, wondering for the umpteenth time whether or not I made the right decision in leaving (after finding him in his fourth compromising situation -he has a lot of girl "friends" -in less than two years). You are sooo right, when I think of it, the only things I miss are the sex, holding him at night/or him holding me, and doing things together. I too, do everything around the house (I live in an 11 room monster with a two year old and a 16 year old). When I would ask him if he would do something, it was always "I was in the car for 5 hours....after working all week long, and you want me to help you?" (I also work a 40 hour job, and do transcription work on the side). The only time he did spend here (his job is 4.5 hours away - so he would only come home on the weekends) was last year when one of his girl "friends" spent a week in our bed. She did leave her pink panties as a calling card, as well as ringing up the phone bill, just to make sure I would find out...., but he has a "weakness," and I should understand. RRRIIIGGGHHTT. My "weakness" was taking his shit and humiliation for so long. Honestly, who would, if they were healthy. She was the first one I found out about - so I stuck it out for three more??!!!! Also, you hit a button, saying that you became forgetful, tired and stressed all the time. That was me, to the "T" (you should see my vitamin cabinet - I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me!). In the two months that I have left him, I have started my own (albeit small) business (on top of the other two I still have), and am taking little stabs at regaining my self-esteem and self-worth. Just this past weekend I learned to cross country ski; and have signed up for an ice climbing course in March. (I also hike, golf, sail, snowboard, make a kick ass salsa, and can cook the pants off Julia Childs - so good luck to him, I do have a lot to offer - damn it!) All of my friends would say "you are beautiful, funny, witty, (fill in the blank'" but it didn't matter what other people said - only what he (the king of my being and world) said!!! He would balance the abuse by telling me how sexy and beautiful he though I was, then tell me the next day that I should fix the chip in my front tooth, and do something with my hair, did "you even look in the mirror today?" I was never sure, until maybe this past year that I was even being abused. I thought I had some sort of problem taking any sort of what he called "constructive criticism" well. I have a long way to go - especially in the anger department. I cannot even talk to him, and haven't been able to without descending (rapidly) into a hate filled snapping match. Maybe accepting the responsibility will help dissipate the anger, I don't know, but this has been a tremendous battle for me lately. Over the past few weeks, I find myself having one-sided fights in the car; at 3am in the morning; at 4am in the morning; at 7pm at night; when another bill comes in; really anytime I think of him, and anything can make me think of him. I am consumed. I truly hate him. I would love nothing more than to never, ever see him again, but unfortunately, will have to since we have a child together. It would have been two children, but he demanded I have an abortion last July. I hate myself for that decision every day, and believe me, think of it every day. I have to learn to really forgive myself, and to let go. I cannot go back on any decision made, and I cannot blame anyone for any decision made, it was me, and it was a very unhealthy me. I just hope that I can forgive myself. Thank you for your story. I know that I am going in the right direction, I give you so much credit to do what you did, especially pregnant, and through the holidays. Mine were just as awful (I found him w/ his last "weakness" on November 6th, and finally had enough and called the game), so there were no gifts, cards, Christmas tree trimming, shopping for the kids togetherness at all. But, when I think of it, he would probably have had something (negative) to say about the tree; would've pooh-poohed the presents I wanted to buy; and had some derogatory comment about the dress I wanted to wear...you get the picture. "Good Riddance to Bad Rubbish," as a wonderful, healthier friend of mine would say. I just have to keep my head up, and realize that he's just a controlling, manipulating person that I don't have to spend another minute with. Right now, I am enduring the thinly veiled threats of him taking the house from me and the children. I make $20 too much for legal assistance, and the two lawyers I spoke with want $1500 and $2500 respectively before they will represent me (I take home 1,558.00 a month). Guess that I am (as usual) on my own, but know that I will find a way to keep the house, and get rid of the trash (say, maybe I can use that anger constructively for a little while?). Thanks again, sorry for rambling. Sincerely, MB

B1: Submit
Date: 01/18/2000

S1

WOW, what an inspirational story! I wish I could be that far along in therapy!.. You give such hope as we look at us and see all the pain around us and wonder how we will ever survive.. pay the bills.. etc. The part how much more independent you were (and are) compared to him.. is so much like my current abusive husband. I laid down boundaries.. if you EVER hit me I will file.. and since I filed once and came back I made it a very clear statement.. so he has had his chance. I am now trying to establish my boundaries and trying to feel once again.. like you I have no feelings.. that is one area I relate with so much!.. they strip us verbally abuse us and leave us without knowing what we feel.. what is happiness.. I am so thankful for your sharing and may your future be a wonderful adventure!

B1: Submit
Date: 01/20/2000

S1

Well I don't even know where to begin. much too much to say but I can relate very much to this story almost every aspect is what I've been going through. I have been gone from my relationship for 5 months now. I  would love to email this woman and maybe discuss some issues. this story brought goose bumps out how similar it is to my life. try Kristin bravestarr69@yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: 01/20/2000

S1

I read your story and found it inspiring. I am in an abusive relationship and find the experience of others helps to lighten the load I carry. I am not alone...... I am not alone!!! I am at the point now that I know life can and will get better. I will accept nothing less. It just the beginning, but it's also the end of the past.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/20/2000

S1

This was very enlightening to me to read. So many things reminded me of my husband. I have truly become a mouse in the corner and am hating him and myself right now. My husband makes mean remarks about my body, face, intelligence, cooking, housework, sexuality, family and friends. I have lost all interest in him sexually and am afraid to walk in the door at night. I only hope I can reach the point where I have the courage to stand up to him and just leave.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/21/2000

S1

Your story is similar to my 15 year marriage to a young, angry, abusive and controlling person. I left him at Christmas this year and he still blames me for not "trying". A famous psychic told me that I would be cutting the cord soon, and she was right. I got strong, got the nerve and did a face-to-face of daring strength and I don't know where it came from. But I knew it was time. I now live with my teenage son in my own place and am starting to buy furniture (I left him all the junk). I am happy and adjusting. It's not too bad after all to have yourself and treat yourself well. Also, others are coming to me and helping me and consider me to be a worthwhile person. I have no one to hide behind. I am starting to shine. Thank you for your words and expressing your struggle. You too are a shining star. Regards, Pat

B1: Submit
Date: 01/22/2000

S1

Good for you! What a wonderful, empowering story! Not only have you changed your own life, taken back your own power, but you are giving your children a great gift, modeling healthy self-esteem.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/23/2000

S1

I HAVE READ EVERY BIT OF YOUR WEB SITE AND ALL OF THE E-MAILS AND I THINK IT IS WONDERFUL THAT THERE IS THIS KIND OF HELP ON LINE. I AM A 50 YEAR OLD MAN NOW DIVORCED FROM A VERBAL AND VIOLENT ABUSER WHO WAS MY WIFE. I AM NOW SEEING A WOMEN THAT IS MARRIED FOR 22 YEARS AND SHE HAS BEEN VERBALLY ABUSED FOR THE PAST 20 AND SHE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT UNTIL I BROUGHT IT TO HER ATTENTION. IN THE BEGINNING SHE HAD A VERY TOUGH TIME STANDING UP TO HIM AND THEN SHE JUST CAVED IN AGAIN TO HIS OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOR AND THEN SHE STARTED STANDING UP TO HIM AGAIN. EVERY TIME SHE WOULD GET TO A CERTAIN POINT HE WOULD SAY THAT HE WAS LEAVING AND THAT IS WHEN SHE CAVED IN AND WENT BACK TO HER SUBMISSIVE WAYS. THEN SHE WENT TO SEE A DIVORCE LAWYER SINCE THE VERBAL FIGHTING AT HOME ESCALATED AND THE WEEKEND BEFORE SHE WAS TO SEE THE DIVORCE LAWYER SHE COMPLETELY BROKE DOWN AND WENT BACK TO HERE SUBMISSIVE WAY AGAIN. I AM NOT A THERAPIST BUT I THINK THAT THIS A SIGN OF CO-DEPENDENCY AND THE JUST THE FACT THAT I CAN NOT SEE HER GO ON LIKE THIS ANY LONGER RIPS ME APART INSIDE. AND THAT IS FOR THE LOVE THAT I HAVE FOR HER. I AM GOING TO E MAIL HER THIS SITE SO THAT SE CAN SEE THAT SHE IS NOT ALONE AND MAYBE SHE CAN GET ON WITH THE REST OF HER LIFE. NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE TELLS HER SHE IS NOT DISTANT TO LEAVE SINCE THE CONTROL THAT HER HUSBAND HAS IMPOSED UPON HER IN THE PAST 20 YEARS IS SO STRONG. BUT MAYBE AFTER READING YOUR COMMENTS TO YOUR E MAILS SHE MIGHT HAVE A CHANGE OF HEART. I HOPE THIS IS THE CASE BECAUSE I THINK IN LEAVING THE ABUSER AND GETTING ON WITH HER LIFE WILL BE LIKE GOING TO HEAVEN.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/24/2000

S1

I cried and cried. This is where I want my life to be. I feel trapped. But, I am getting stronger. I wish he would go find someone else. Then I would be free. I guess when the time is right for me, I will leave. I'm getting there. But, it is very painful. Thank you so much. God Bless you.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/24/2000

S1

Dear RAM, I can't tell you how much your letter meant to me. I'm going through a really rough time right now. I'm in my second marriage and am still fairly young - 38. Two weeks ago I asked my husband to leave. This was after being with him for 10 years, 3 of which we were married. I stood by him through his drug addiction - he now has 6 years of sobriety. He also had a fling 4 years ago. Two months ago I discovered he has been having an affair. He tells me he loves me but, is not in love with me. I've been feeling pretty lousy and have been seeing a therapist. It wasn't until last night that a person on a Christian message board suggested I do some reading on co-dependency and hence I read your letter. Your letter hit home in so many ways and has opened my eyes more than the last two months of therapy. I thank you and am so glad to hear how good you now feel about yourself. Again, thank you. I wish you and your family all the happiness life has to give.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/24/2000

S1

I am crying as I read this.... so much of this is my life. The verbal and emotional abuse I endured for so many, many years... almost 23 yrs. of marriage. I finally got the courage to leave.. over the years there were so many threats that he would kill me or the kids when they were young if I left. so I decided to wait till the youngest was 18. When she turned 14, I knew I couldn't do it any longer. I wished every day for over 10 years that maybe he would have an accident and die.. this would make my life easier... as he always said he would always make my life miserable if I left till one of us was dead. He is keeping that promise.. he won't let go. I moved out of state just to stay alive.. this on advice of attorney and therapist, and legal system. Will he ever let go,,, probably not. But I am trying to start over. I left with nothing. I hadn't worked outside the home. It is a struggle everyday. He would work when he felt like it and then not, figuring keeping little money would keep me. It helps to know that others have experienced the same. Cindy

B1: Submit
Date: 01/24/2000

S1

Dear RAM - I was so moved after reading your letter, now I understand that I'm not the only one and I can get out of this abusive relationship and still live. I'm in a similar relationship like the one you have described, but, and thank God, he is not my husband. I have been in this relationship for 2 1/2 years. About 10 months ago our relationship was really bad; I knew that he was abusive and a very good manipulator; I had to get out. At that time I was strong and had great support from my friends and family. I moved 3000 miles away from him. I thought that the distance would help me be strong and stay away from him (no longer could he bang on my door at 3 a.m.). But, like you stated from your experience, I was lonely and I missed the sex, holding him and doing things with him. When I went back East to see my family and friends for the holidays, I agreed to see him too. He knew all the right things to say to me and acted in a way that would make me think he had changed and that he is different. I believed him. Then he asked me to marry him - I said yes. A big mistake. It only took him 3 weeks to go back to the abusiveness - "You're stupid to live in California" "All you care about is your career" "You'll never have a serious relationship with anyone" "You're friends are all jerks" "Your dad is evil" "You're making move there so you better pay for it if you want me", etc., etc. I feel awful about myself - I'm experiencing depression again - I haven't felt so bad since I moved. I am back to where I was one year ago. I have no energy to do any of the things I love, or even to put in a good 8 hour workday. I can't sleep at night, I have let myself go in every respect. But, and thank God, I still live 3000 miles away from him - I'll be strong once again. I love myself enough to know I can not ever go back with him and endure the abuse. I will break off our relationship, this time for good! You have been a great inspiration! I am glad to have found this sight and will visit it often. I am also looking forward to going to the bookstore after work and picking up some of the books you mentioned. You have helped me a lot and I'm sure you have helped a lot of other people in similar situations. Good luck and God Bless!!!

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

WOW!! Incredible! Your life was/is my life! I am so moved by your story. I am still with my verbally/abusive husband. Trying to develop my self , trying to discover what I am after all those years of feeling like a nothing. I still struggle with it. Especially the part how you start in the relationship telling him all and then as it escalates feeling like he can use any thing you tell him now against you. I feel like I am fighting brick wall every day! I try to stick up for myself and say that is not acceptable only to have him manipulate the situation so that I feel responsible again. It is a uphill battle but one that I feel I will win eventually.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

After living with verbal and emotional abuse for 17 years, and finally deciding to get out, I know the recovery process is difficult. My whole life is changing - for the better - but with children I will always be connected to him. The verbal abuse finally became physical with my daughter and that is when I saw the light and asked him to leave. He had an affair the last year of our relationship and the abuse escalated because of the added pressure on him because of his affair. (I think that's the reason the abuse escalated anyway) I have a hard time separating the pain of abuse with the pain of his affair. He thinks the affair broke up the marriage, but I served him with divorce papers before I knew about the affair. I guess it's easier for him to pin it on the affair. He doesn't think he's abusive and the incident with our daughter was a "one time thing". He never even apologized to me for it. He blamed me for it because he was "under so much pressure" and I should have "lightened up his mood". His mood was always my fault too or else I had to put him in a good mood. It's crazy. Sometimes I think I still love this person which is really nuts and most of the time now I hate him. I guess it's hard to accept reality sometimes. anyway the letter was a good way to affirm what I had been going through myself and I do know that I am doing the right thing - especially because of the children. My 10 year old son should not grow up to be like his father and my 15 year old daughter should never marry an abuser like her father. We've talked about this and they understand his problems. They still have a relationship with him and I encourage it because I know that is important, but they don't spend that much time with him. they have healing to do too. It's all very sad. From MarLouise_2000.yahoo.com

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

Dear RAM, I have been in a codependent relationship for 14 years. I feel ready to leave but somehow he always makes me believe he will change. My daughter looked at me this morning and said he can't do it can he? I had to cry... because even an eight year old can see what I can't accept. My friends are so frustrated with me I don't know how they can even talk to me any more. It is really hard to change. I wish there was a way.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/25/2000

S1

I want to say that I am so amazed at the things you recognized and are able to put it in words so eloquently!

Although I have no problems with my relationship(s) - I am VERY SECURE in my personal relationships and have always stood up for myself, it is in the work place that I have had those feelings that you have described SO PERFECTLY!

Feelings of inadequacy can be expressed in relationships, but I have found that with me it is in the work place, and as a consequence, I have not excelled in that area of my life. In fact, certain people walk all over me - and although I get angry I never understood WHY!

The boundaries - setting boundaries - it all makes sense!

Thank you so much.. for putting words to my feelings of low self-confidence. For some strange reason I 'sabotaged' myself only in the workplace (I still don't know why I have zeroed in on that area of life rather than have faulty relationships).

I just remember thinking when I was little, and seeing the abusive relationships all around me, I remember thinking NEVER! I will never be in such a relationship - I deserve a loving and happy relationship as a woman and no man should treat women the way I have seen women allowed themselves to be treated in their relationships. AS a result I have had fulfilling, exciting and loving relationships. I totally trust myself in this area.

However, I instead allowed all my inadequacy come out in the workplace. As a result I have put myself into a position now where I am so dependent on people's goodwill and generosity that it sickens me. People are amazingly supportive, but I have come to a stage where SO MANY things have gone wrong in my 'career' that I've had to stop and wonder, "WHY." So - I searched on the web for self-worth topics and found this site.

I know this site is for people experiencing or who have experienced abusive relationships - but these feelings of inadequacy can actually come out in other areas of life too.

I agree with you that we allow these things to happen to us because we do not demand enough, we keep quiet so that we seek approval, we, in short, do not know our boundaries.

thank you for your story - it gave me much pleasure to hear your success and pinpointing all the things I have been feeling for way too long.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/26/2000

S1

Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! What a brilliant road of self-discovery you have traveled. I have never met you, probably never will, but yet feel immensely proud of you. Aren't you the most wonderful human being. I am too!!

I will always remember your story, your power, and the precious way you have taken care of your soul.

Warmest regards, Rebecca

B1: Submit
Date: 01/26/2000

S1

I am so glad I came upon your letter to Dr. Irene, it is exactly what I had and have to endure as well, the bad holidays, not being appreciated, doing it all, because he would never lift a finger, and criticize me even when the house was spotless to say the least, I haven't been in this so called one sided relationship very long about 2 and a half years, I just want to say THANK YOU SO MUCH!!! I have just rented myself an apartment and got myself a job too! I am outta here!!!!!!! Thanks again!! L.G.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/27/2000

S1

Wow. Your story inspires me. Thanks for sharing it. My words are failing me... you explained things so eloquently. I will read this often and get strength every time. Thanks again

B1: Submit
Date: 01/27/2000

S1

I just stumbled across your letter. My sister is ending an 11 year abusive marriage and after reading it, it sounded like my sister writing it. All these abusive people follow the same pattern. She is in the process of the divorce and she is just totally losing it. Her mind is just so altered. What can I possibly do to help her? It is affecting her in every way and I can't let it affect her health, she has two small children to take care of. Please help. I am printing your letter so she can read it. I am glad you were able to move on. I hope she can to. It is just the most horrible situation I can ever imagine. Thank you for listening. bnlo@prodigy.net

B1: Submit
Date: 01/28/2000

S1

Thank you for sharing I am trying to get out of my relationship but have so many fears about going though with it. I know I will read your story again and again until I figure out what I am going to do. You make such sense and I feel a lot of what you wrote. I am pregnant for my third child only been married for three years but he has ripped my spirit out and I feel very little for him except he is the father of my children. wish me luck.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/29/2000

S1

Dumb found, What a message. I really needed help, I have had that controller with most men I have gone out with. I stopped when an Italian dug a grave and was going to bury me in it. After so long with verbal abuse and physical, verbal being the worst. However, I have had a controlling father for 42years, yesterday was the worse, When I was younger I was both physical and verbally now controlling and verbally abusive, all the family knew he would suffer a break down if he continued, and he did 3weeks ago, he was submissive, I came to his aid, helped him, with all the alternative therapies, Lavender oil, massage, all the things we could think off, he is on drugs, keep him real calm, I have had a real dad for 3weeks, but last night he thinks now he is cured, and left a tablet off, the abuse was hell, he had my mother, myself and my boyfriend crying, it was my boyfriend that made the stand and said, No more this is stupid, and walked out. Today I have been shaking cannot stop crying, I rang his crises center, and they advised me I must now make the stand. But after reading your letter, it not only confirms this but shows the light at the end of the tunnel, my mum tends to protect him, but she really is so brainwashed, when you said the look you get when you talk, my god I did not know that anybody else did this, it was scary as a kid, when he does it now and very often each day to my mum in front of any company or in the shops, my mum just keeps quiet. I am going to print your letter and quietly tie her down, gag her, and read this to her.... I really do not know why men do this. I refuse from this day on to accept this. I would like to say thank you so much for writing this down for others to benefit, and you will never know how many people you will have helped, because some will not leave a note, but anyone that is going through this will print this up and pass it to others, this I will expect go world wide. Thank you. Girls remember You are a human being, not their possession. As the health crises told me today, it is THEIR insecurities that make them this way, and I have found in every case with myself that has been exactly right.

GOOD LUCK...

B1: Submit
Date: 01/29/2000

S1

Thanks for that...I am still in the situation that you have luckily escaped, but it is articles like yours that give me hope and show me that change and survival is not impossible. Thank you sincerely, W.D.

B1: Submit
Date: 01/30/2000

S1

Thank you . . . I am so scared but I am starting to see the light . . .

thank you I am going to have my partner read this perhaps he will see us here I have...one thing you never say much about the kids which is my big excuse.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/04/2000

S1

Wow! thank you for a beautiful story. I just got out of a mental hospital, I have been dealing with the same things, I wish I would have read this long before it came to this point. He was a boyfriend of seven years, my husband and I had been married 21 years and had separated, little did I know what a was getting involved with, the nightmare the demons the pain and the guilt became unbearable. My greatest fear his new woman will cause all the changes in him I so desperately wanted for him.

God Bless

Melody

B1: Submit
Date: 02/05/2000

S1

I think the story posted here was really comforting, but I'm only 13 years old and have already been verbally abused by both my father and grandmother. I wish people didn't act like it's only adults who are verbally abused. Nobody writes books or sends in stories for us kids.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/07/2000

S1

I also was in a very abusive relationship and a miracle after 10 years God removed him he still calls leaving abusive messages but the law will deal with that I am getting healthy.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/07/2000

S1

Two weeks ago I left my verbally abusive husband. He was angry and shocked and reacted with accusations and more verbal abuse. Then he did something I never would have expected. He admitted his abuse, is now in counseling, and actually thanked me! He said he is determined to turn his life around, he has even begun to admit the abuse from his own childhood. He has accepted the unchangeable fact that I have a signed lease and the kids and I are going to take our time, watch and see. I need to learn to trust him again. I also read and learned a lot from 'The verbally abusive Relationship' it opened my eyes and I learned that it really wasn't my fault. I received a lot of strength from my God, my church has been very supportive to both of us. Thank-you for you site Dr. Irene, I wonder if you realize how many people you help!? Christy

B1: Submit
Date: 02/12/2000

S1

Your letter helped me to release the shame I felt for trying to make my relationship with my husband work, then trying harder, eventually ending up feeling like a failure. Your recovery inspires me to feel proud of myself for waking up to his abuse and finally getting out, after 30 years! Peace, Judy

B1: Submit
Date: 02/14/2000

S1

I just read your story and I am moved to tears. I was married for 30 year to a verbally abusive man. Even though when I read your story I see myself in the same situation, it is so difficult for me to remember what happened. You wrote my feelings and my experience. The abuse started soon after I met my ex-husband. I was married at 18, and responding to and trying to avoid his anger was my central occupation at home. I am a college professor and I pride myself on my intellect and yet I was so in denial that I could not specifically recall his behavior or understand my response. I was getting physical messages however, that I could not ignore. Migraines and arthritis, that now, 1 year after separation, are completely gone. Now I want to remember the verbal abuse as part of my recovery, no matter how painful. I feel angry for myself and for all of us. These stories have to be told. Women, young and old, need the knowledge and support to say NO. Your story helped me so much and I hope many others read it. Thank you.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/15/2000

S1

Thank you so much for sharing your story. I felt as if I was reading my own marriage history. I am in the process of separating now, and it hasn't been pleasant. Your story give me hope that I can get my life back.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/16/2000

S1

All I can say is wow! What an inspiring story! I am truly moved and feel somehow supported in my own struggle with an abusive spouse. Thank you for your willingness to share your story with us.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/17/2000

S1

very emotional story-hits home with me. I already know about the abuse. I need to find out how to deal with it. If that doesn't work, I believe I will need to get myself & my children out of this emotional hell. I worry about my kids & what they witness between us. I am fighting back tooth & nail but it doesn't seem to work. Plus I am pregnant & don't feel very good, & screaming makes me hurt.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/17/2000

S1

Dear RMM,

What a wonderful person you are! As I see the way your marriage went, I recognize the signposts along MY way, too. I did leave my abuser, six months ago, and I am ever so glad that I did. I am recognizing signposts in your recovery journey which I too have passed. My road still leads to places you have already been, and some of the details are a bit different, but the way ahead is clear, and I am taking it one stride at a time, and enjoying the view from the top of each new hill.

And that reminds me that most of my growth takes place in the valleys, not on the hilltops where the view is so fine.

God bless you, and thanks for sharing.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/20/2000

S1

I enjoyed your article and I say myself in a lot of what you experienced. I plan to reread your article and use some of your ideals related to finding closure as well . I also am preparing myself to prevent becoming involved in an abusive relationship. Thanks for sharing your experience with me and others.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/21/2000

S1

I too have been through some very similar things in my relationship with my boyfriend and am just beginning to try and reclaim my life and my identity. I too realize that I have played a role in this dysfunctional relationship by not making my needs and wants known but then just feeling bitter that he never recognized them. I see now that he couldn't possibly see my needs because he only sees his own. I spent the last two years doing nothing but looking after him and lost myself along the way somewhere. My self esteem has suffered terribly and I know that it is my responsibility to regain that self confidence. But at the same time I still miss him and want to be with him which is crazy I guess but it is how I feel. I would love some direction and advice.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/21/2000

S1

Dear RMM,

I am tremendously grateful for your sending in your story. My story is a lifetime of abuse, starting with child molestation as a toddler, and then having an emotionally absent alcoholic father, and a co-dependent mother. Then first love was a violent alcoholic, second was a pretty good guy that I blew it with, and now I'm in my 3rd and last marriage, to a very successful, very verbally abusive husband. And I am still quite young. I, like you, have always had one thing going for me, my intelligence, although I doubt myself so often these days, and to try to work on my college degree feels like I'm carrying a whale on my back, between "doing everything" as you described, and the emotional drain that he puts me through. I have for sometime now realized both his and my problems, respectively. I too know that I have to set limits. I am ready to leave this marriage (he says he will get help as soon as.........fill in the blank) for my own sanity, but I'm torn between two things: My common sense and my religious beliefs. He went out of town twice within the past two weeks, and it was the most joyous, peaceful time. Even the baby seems more relaxed when he's gone. But I fear what will happen to them if the home is broken up. I don't know yet what I will do about the marriage. I am trying to work on myself. But I wanted to thank you for your story because I feel as though my load is lightened a little, and that I gather some strength from your victory.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/22/2000

S1

I am so glad you wrote this and that it was available to see. I too was in a situation that I knew would go in this direction. As I did not have any children, and was only engaged to this man, I was able to bring myself to leaving. Thank God. Now, my best friend is going through the same thing with her husband. They have a three year old son. I am printing out your story and taking it to her TONIGHT. Thanks you again!

  B1: Submit
Date: 02/22/2000

S1

Thank you for your words of wisdom. How this sounds just like me after thirty years of marriage my husband tell me that he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. I know that he has already had one affair 18 years ago and I'm sure he is now although he denies it. I realize that I have been a codependent for many years and I want to feel good about myself again if that's possible. Why do we let people do this to us and for so many years? Thank you again cas

B1: Submit
Date: 02/23/2000

S1

I have experienced this and am not completely recovered but very encouraged by what I see is possible. It is by the grace of God that I have gotten out of a bad situation. It is by the grace of God that I see my role. And it will be by the grace of God that I fully recover.

Thank you for this website and thank you for this much needed information. God bless!

B1: Submit
Date: 02/28/2000

S1

Dear RMM, I am going, unwillingly, to sign divorce papers on Wednesday, after a 2 year separation. I say unwillingly because despite knowing with all my heart and mind that the things you say are true and that your story might as well be mine, I am still grieving for the dreams I'd had and for the rejection and feelings of being deceived/let down/betrayed (because he left me and HE was the abuser and it makes NO SENSE!) My ex was a little more subtle with his abuse and it took me until just recently to realize what it was. The first book i picked up made me hyperventilate right in the store -it was so accurate. At any rate - I feel like I've come so far and yet I'm still crying over it all. But i know I'm a very strong person and it's reassuring to know that one day I'll be like you and truly feel in my heart that this was for the best. I am especially encouraged to read that you said that's why God made sure he left. I feel that way too - that it had to happen, for my own self-development. I'm sorry my ex couldn't see our problems and separation more as a time for growth and learning about ourselves AND each other. But, unfortunately, he thought he had nothing more to learn.

Thank you for your story, t.

B1: Submit
Date: 02/29/2000

S1

I liked your story, and I want you to know I am about to leave an abusive man, largely because of this web site. He is a good person who is abusive and controlling in subtitle ways, and it has taken me a long time to realize why I should leave him -- not because he deserves it, not because I want to hurt him, --but because that is what I have wanted deep deep down ever since the beginning of our relationship. And I haven't done it because of all the other people who have abandoned him and let him down. I haven't done it because I do care for him. The hurt I am about to inflict wracks me with sobs. But I can't build a life with someone I don't trust. I'm scared, worried about how he might react, (explosion imminent) worried about what his family will think of me, worried worried worried. Scared. Icy scared. But I feel like I have woken out of a deep sleep. Here is a little something I wrote about what I did in our relationship. It is about what I DID, not what he did:

I am slowly being murdered by my wish to dissolve myself in a big glass of someone else. Into my empty vessel I pour stolen proxies for that which I lack. I trade my self respect for a constant struggle to gain his grudging notice. A sense of self worth I replace with a constant pursuit of his seldom-spoken praise. Is it love or thirst I have for him? I am so parched, how can I ever know? From his cutting words, body language and his broken silences I mix a toxic potion and hungrily, eagerly drink it up, not caring what dribbles down my chin. And the more I drink from him the less he seems to give, until the day I will gulp down mouthfuls of air and leave him staring, perplexed, into an empty glass of a woman.

From now on I'm filling my own damn glass.

Peace be with all of you.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/08/2000

S1

After much research, and "surfing the net" - I came across this site. It brought a tear to my eye to read so many accounts that parallel my own (or very nearly so). My biggest (OK, second biggest) problem is currently that all of these sites, supports, postings, etc., that I can find . . . are for women. Now, while I agree that most abusers are men, there are situations that are quite the opposite. Making matters worse is the stigma attached to being a male victim of spousal abuse. I have confided in a male friend and a family member that refused to believe that a woman could be abusive. Try talking as a male victim to others that you are a victim of this kind of behavior and you will get such reactions as this, or reactions that imply: "you wimp", or "why don't you take it like a man," or "you must be a controlling man or she wouldn't do that," or "you must be abusive too." She refuses to admit that she "has a problem" - She says I am the one with a "problem" (I am ADD). What gets me are the ones who seem to believe what she says because it is politically correct to do so and because SHE could never do those kinds of things to someone like me.

Thanks - Just a guy trying to remain sane.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/08/2000

S1

I am 57 and ill. I don't know how to get out. Boy do I relate to almost everything you said about him. He has all the money I will get nothing.

B1: Submit
Date: 03/26/2000

S1

I have just finished reading your story and I have this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. I have been living your story for 22 years and 1 week ago, the ultimate happened and I am reaching for all I have to find the strength to go. Friday March 17th was an ice storm here in New York. As I was the last one to come out of my office i slipped and fell on the ice in the dark, and came up with blood pouring down the back of my head. I knew I was in big trouble, as I went back into my office and just sat there staring at the phone. I was alone and afraid to call my husband knowing that my imperfection of falling would open a barrage of criticism for being so stupid to fall like that. Instead of moving quickly as I knew the back of my blouse was getting wet with blood I was frozen in my tracks wondering how do i tell him what has happened. Now i am in trouble, I will be late getting home. I picked up the phone to call an ambulance for myself, but i hung it up, knowing that he would be especially mad if I traveled to the hospital by ambulance. So shaky as I was, I began to drive myself to the hospital. Seemed like the least damaging way to handle it. Once I was at the emergency room, they took me immediately as they could see my hair and clothes were soaked with blood. Once the doctor told me I was ok.. and just needed some stitches, I called my husband. He took the information silently, which I knew meant I was in big trouble. Within 10 minutes after hanging up with him, he was coming through the doors of the emergency room. For a moment I was so happy to see him because he cared enough to come to me. Until I saw the fire in his eyes. His anger at me was swift and cutting. He hates that I have taken small steps recently to find my self confidence, my independence. After being home with my babies when they were younger I went back to work. I have nothing more then a high school education but I found a file clerk job with a hotel supply company. Within months I was given a sales position, and I have done well. The job has meant more to me then I can explain. I lost 100 lbs, and found that not only do I have a brain after all, I have a wonderful personality, and I am attractive enough to feel pretty. Something he always told me I wasn't at 250 lbs. Well his first target when I fell was my job. He hates it. And I was instructed I will no longer be working any over time. I will be home as soon as my shift ends. No longer can I decide if I need to stay longer to finish a project. And he wanted to know how I could be so stupid as to fall. This has been the culmination of so many years of abuse. Up until 5 years ago, there was physical as well as verbal abuse. I have been bruised, hit and even chocked so hard I felt pressure in my eyes. But I don't make enough to be on my own. I know I can work 2 jobs and would be willing for my freedom, but what happens to my children then. I have a 15 year old boy and a 10 year old boy. The older boy is at a difficult age, struggling through life and it is made worse with the struggle at home. He is often the target of his dad. But how do I work 2 jobs and never be there for them. Who will care for them and make sure they are safe and making good choices in life. I have never been so scared and alone. I also wont lie I fear his anger if I tell him I want a divorce. How do I get this all straight. I have found a counselor for myself. I don't want to save this marriage...he wont go for help. I just want his anger out of my life and my kids life. I wish he had another woman. I just wish he would go.  Sincerly, doreen

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Date: 03/28/2000

S1

An amazing and authentic story. I pray for your continued happiness. You have taught me to have hop as I move to stop my wife's abuse by preparing to leave her. You show me that I can enjoy life if I am willing to insist on it.

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Date: 03/28/2000

S1

This story is all too familiar. The abuse I have lived with, however, went beyond verbal, but not so much so that I was ever beaten to a pulp (physically). I have three children and will be going back to school this fall (after moving in with my mother) to finally do what I've wanted to do for so many years I can't remember. There are so many things I thought insignificant like getting my hair cut and colored that he accused me of being selfish. Things like taking classes to upgrade so that I can go to school and get my degree. Well, that was selfish too. How could I possibly do that to our finances, even if it did mean in the long run we would be better off. All these things I wasn't allowed to do because I was being selfish and self centered. And I began to feel that I was. I was unable to even buy new sheets for the bed because I was doing it selfishly. How sick is that? The more I read, the more I realize this. And, yes, I am a co-dependent learning not to be. He left in January after I told him enough was enough. He is very angry and refusing to take responsibility for his behavior, but I have come to understand and believe that is not my problem. I am only responsible for myself.

Thank you for putting in print what I know to be true. Thank you for sharing your story so that me and others can learn we are not alone.

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Date: 04/03/2000

S1

I read this and let me tell you it is almost my life word for word... if you would happen to have any advice for my email me please... I'm 20 have 2 children, I'm not married but I live with there dad and he is both verbally abusive and physically abusive but i want my kids to have there dad but he really doesn't deserve our 2 precious babies. Am I being selfish??? please respond sugarmama1979@aol.com jessy

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Date: 04/04/2000

S1

I a male 49 years old am likewise a victim of verbal abuse from the female side in so far as I am trying to find out the answer do verbally abusive people really recognize the fact that they can be this way and how can you get them help to save this marriage - I have a special needs step-daughter that her mother refuses to recognize that has effected her but because she is not verbal can not tell me or her mom of her feelings any help in this regard would be appreciated thanks mike in Brookfield wisconsi ntuaseme nf

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Date: 04/08/2000

S1

Your story was so inspiring to me. I am going through just about what you say you went through. The controlling husband. I don't know what to say. I am almost in tears. Reading your letter is almost like reading about my own life. Only I still live the abuse. And probably will for a long time to come. I am inspired by you. God Bless You! I hope one day you all will hear my story. But I don't think it will be too soon!

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Date: 04/11/2000

S1

Thanks you so much. Today I was having one of those days of feeling that I would never have life or joy again. Bless you.

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Date: 04/14/2000

S1

I am so happy to have found this website! Just three weeks ago I ended my four year relationship with a verbally abusive man. For the four years we were involved I believed that this was the man of my dreams, my soulmate and life companion. Well...IF he could just modify his behavior somewhat...IF he could follow through on his promises to me, IF he would really be there for me even when TRAVELLING (frequently he would disappear for weeks at a time claiming he needed some space), IF he would learn to control his RAGES and stop HUMILIATING me in public, IF he would start picking up his share financially, IF he would love me like he loved me when we made love ALL THE TIME..... WOW ....a lot of if's...I am not sure when I lost track of all of them. Why did I stay so long? Why do I still long for him? I have had to put blocks on my caller ID and email address due to the abusive messages he has repeated left me. The amazing thing is that I have ended our relationship twice before and then I have been the one to crawl back to him out of loneliness... Please help me to be strong this time. I am in therapy now and that will help. I do not want to restart this relationship. If I am strong enough to let it go I am sure that he will not pursue me. I am the weak one. I am the one that is most likely to call him... after the sting of his abuse wears off and I am alone again. I pray for strength and wisdom. I hope that this site will help me!

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Date: 04/28/2000

S1

I was insprired by your letter, God wants us to live a happy fruitful life. I am so tired of being called filthy names, cut down, scared, making execuses. For 35yrs. I've taken this abuse, some phycial, mostly verbal. Please pray for me, I want him gone and to be confident enough to go on and not lose my home. I wish my parents were alive, but at least I have myself, don't I? thank you for reading my letter. barbara

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Date: 05/08/2000

S1

I just open my eyes!

God help me!

A scare lady. Hum!! Yes i'm a lady.

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Date: 05/12/2000

S1

Dear RMM, Thank you soooo much for sharing your strength with us. It has given me hope that there is light at the end of this very long tunnel. I cried through your entire letter as if looking into a mirror. The only differnce is now my husband is in counseling and begging for another chance, a chance that I do not have the energy to give. I have given so much of myself to this man and he took and took till there was nothing left to take. I cannot give anymore without losing myself again. Call me unforgiving but it is time to focus on me, what I want and what makes me happy. Something, like you, I let him take away. May God bless you and continue to shine his love on you and your children. Stay strong. Keg

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Date: 05/16/2000

S1

All well and good. I myself have come to all of the same conclusions but not out of the situation. I have even less going for me than she did. Lot's older, no education and no family for support of any kind. Besides having a handicaped child. Although things look bleak I somehow still have hope that one day he will be gone and I will have a life worth something. This story touched me deeply and the similarities and realities were all so familiar. It helps to know I'm not the only one and maybe there will be some solutions for me someday, somewhere. Thanks, Sue

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Date: 05/22/2000

S1

I wanted to contribute my story but RMM did it perfectly with one exception that I want to add to it.

I'm 64 years old. I put up with it for 41 long and miserable years before I got out last year. At first, I stayed "for the children's sake." Then when they were grown and all out of the house, I stayed because I was disabled and could not work. Believe me when I say that the loss of your income escalates the abuse. You become worthless. Last year I reached a point where nothing could possibly be worse than staying and I wanted at least a few peaceful years before I die.

The message here is that those who know they are in this type of relationship should get out now regardless of the children if they cannot see any hope. My family became dysfunctional and all three of my grown children have had very serious problems of one kind or another. As I read elsewhere, children are "programmed from birth" to this type of abusive behavior.

I wasted 41 precious years of my life trying to do what I thought was the right thing for everyone and I will never be able to get those years back and I don't have very many left. JJ

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Date: 05/31/2000

S1

I too am an verbal abuse survivor. I have been divorced from my abuser for 4 years and have a 4 year old daughter. She is the reason I left the relationship, had it not been for her I would probably be in the same situtation. After 4 years I just recently came to realize that what I had suffered was in fact abuse, I now know that what happened in my marriage was through no fault of mine. It sad but when I originally left my husband he still maintained his hold on me, by letting himself into my apartment or threatening to knock my door down if I didn't let him in. This went back and forth, he would call me then would tell my family that I was abusive toward him and that he did nothing but try to love me and our daughter. when the divorce date was set and we were to go to court he called me that night and told me that he "would tell the judge to force me to live with him" and that he "would refuse the divorce if it was not done his way" at which I became so angry that I suffered a severe asthma attack after speaking to him. He then called hours later to tell me he was sorry but I made him angry and I should just take him back. We where finally divorce I talked him into giving up custody of our daughter by offering to take on all the bills, which he jumped at, since he didn't want to spend money. Sadly I must say he still managed to maintain his hold on me, until my daughter was 3 years old and in anger because he wanted me to run some errands for him he picked her up and swung her over the stairs as if he was going to throw her over, I immediately got a restraint order and now he is allowed only minimal supervised visitations with my daughter and is not allowed to have any contact with me unless it is in writing and in regards to my daughter. Shortly after i recieved a letter from him asking me to forgive him for all that he had done, and he asked if we could work things out. I simply crumbled up the letter and tossed it in the trash, not thing twice about it. he never received my response and never again abused me. I'm trying to recover now and grasp all that has happened. all of this as made me so angry towards men that I cannot seem to get past the mistrust and am unable to cope in new realationships, immediately breaking off contact if one thing is done that I don't like. Will I ever get over this anger? I don't know. I hope that someday I can put this behind me and begin to live my life again. He chipped away at my self esteem and that has been the hardest thing for me to regain but I am trying. I'm glad I found this site and have realized I am not the only one who has suffered this kind of abuse. thanks for letting me vent. Mari

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Date: 06/08/2000

S1

Just read ur story, and I can't believe that I can relate to many of the things that you said, But I am not sure I am living with an abusive man!!! I am not sure it's not my fault and I over react to some of the things he says are jokes, I do not have a job, I can not drive, And I feel hopeless, I have always thought I knew people so well, But I can honestly say I am not sure

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Date: 06/09/2000

S1

Thank you. It is as if I were reading my own story.

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Date: 06/15/2000

S1

Oh, to be able to live from a center of love rather than fear.............I must try

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Date: 06/25/2000

S1

Whoa. It's very very late (or very early) and I've been here all night...I am in a verbally abusive relationship. I have been with him for five years, married. I have had support from the outside, even left him once (he's yelling from the bedroom right now,"can you type quieter", and I'm trying...") I am moving out next month, hopefully the distance will help.So, yeah, I am depressed, easily distracted, I've becomee the lazy, forgetful bitch he told me I was. I've allowed him to define my identity far too long. I feel almosst lucky-I have a profession, which should pay my bills okay, but I have no family here and my history with the family I do have is a history of neglect (abuse through withholding, since I was small) and they are unwilling to help me. They're Christian and believe I should stay, no matter what. I've asked them for help- when I tried to leave before-and they refused. I have some friends, but when I tried before they avoided me...They're his friends too. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not the abusive one, especially lately, when I've had real problems dealing with my anger, no, my RAGE about the things he's done and said...which he feels aren't all that bad. But I know my anger;s fine-I just need to learn to deal withit myself, and not throw it back. Just cos someone else is an asshole, doesn't mean I have to be. thank you so much-this whole site has helped me immeasurably. jg

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Date: 06/28/2000

S1

WOW, This was a really great post! I left my abuser just over a week ago and this gives me such hope for my future without him. He is already calling me and asking me if he can come over and stay the night, but I have been firm in telling him "NO" even though he keeps saying "how can you do this to me now?" Duh! does he even realize what he has done to me, does it matter that he has destroyed several things of mine while he is on one of his power trips? At any rate, I this is a great insperation to me. Thanks so much! MB

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Date: 06/28/2000

S1

Your letter was incredible. It really hit home with me. I have read it over and over. Finally, I realized that the closure I needed did have to come from me. I thought all along it had to come from him. The last time we spoke I told him that to remember I was nice to you. His reply: I was nice to you too. Now, I see so clearly. Thank you

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Date: 06/29/2000

S1

Thank you so much for you posting. Although i can relate to much of your story what is most striking is what you managed to accomplish at your weakest points. One hell of alot! Your story caused me to reflect on my own accomplishments during four years of abuse. Start a bussiness,president of a nonprofit the list is long. And all these things done with an "abuse hangover". Youre right I have been in fact the independant one. Thank you for reminding me! Ilish

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Date: 06/29/2000

S1

Thank you so much for you posting. Although i can relate to much of your story what is most striking is what you managed to accomplish at your weakest points. One hell of alot! Your story caused me to reflect on my own accomplishments during four years of abuse. Start a bussiness,president of a nonprofit the list is long. And all these things done with an "abuse hangover". Youre right I have been in fact the independant one. Thank you for reminding me!

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Date: 06/29/2000

S1

Thank you so much for you posting. Although i can relate to much of your story what is most striking is what you managed to accomplish at your weakest points. One hell of alot! Your story caused me to reflect on my own accomplishments during four years of abuse. Start a bussiness,president of a nonprofit the list is long. And all these things done with an "abuse hangover". Youre right I have been in fact the independant one. Thank you for reminding me! Ilish

B1: Submit
Date: 06/29/2000

S1

Thank you so much for you posting. Although i can relate to much of your story what is most striking is what you managed to accomplish at your weakest points. One hell of alot! Your story caused me to reflect on my own accomplishments during four years of abuse. Start a bussiness,president of a nonprofit the list is long. And all these things done with an "abuse hangover". Youre right I have been in fact the independant one. Thank you for reminding me! Ilish

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Date: 07/07/2000

S1

I left my husband of 7 years for very similiar reasons. It felt so good to read an account that rang so familiar with me. At times, it is hard for me to accept the fact that he was abusive and that I allowed it to happen. I kept thinking that I was too strong for that when in reality I was being beaten down on a daily basis. I have been out of it now for almost six months and have found a new respect for myself. I also see my marriage in a completely different light. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping others see the light.