How did I Become Abusive?

by a "Victim"

"First say to yourself what you would be, and then do what
you have to do." -Epictetus

December 18. 2000

Dr. Irene,

I'm a new to this site but have been in the trenches for along time. I would like to submit a poem (or whatever it may be considered) to this site.
...Something I wrote after years of abuse and found myself being abusive ( yet seeing it).
...Just a unedited version of something that came from me:)
I have many more "uplifting " writings and ideas,
yet I thought this may be of some service to those at the point I was when I wrote this - perhaps an affirmation in a sense.

So here it is:

How did I Become Abusive?
by a "victim"

Yes, I've found, I can be, eventually will, be abusive
to my
shock and sorrow
(not to negate my responsibility)
But I have had many "good" teachers, "charming" masterful teachers
learned teachers
Those who have counseled my soul
and I have learned much and each lesson hurts,
digs in further
&
leaves me confounded
on how to integrate this foreign idea
The idea of hurting someone with "intention"
What have I learned?
Hummm
Protection ~ of Him, for him, from him, Ultimately of me (how dare I !)
Negotiation ~ of my real self
abandonment ~ That makes grieving of a death supremely bearable
Loss ~ of self
Strength ~ which will become evident later , later , later because I'm blind to
my strength now
I thank you for the Lesson's Non-the less
Even still I feel shame, guilt, a sense of overwhelming responsibility to make
it Right, even as I write
As if some thing has continued it's dogged vision, it's cancerous "tick" that
pushes forward until
I quit running
quit trying
Stop
and surrender
to the "agenda"
even now I call it... "it" I can't even find fault with him now

Because
"it"
Lives on
our Rage
our helplessness,
our fear,
&
eventually
our hardness of soul
and "objectification
of Love
Leaving a Narrow path to follow

Yes there are points of Solace,
peace,
clarity ~
even love
doled out as crumbs
a Nibble
used only as another
tool
of Abuse
Like a sweet scent that drifts into the room
and just as "magically" disappears
with
a look
a body gesture
the click of the front door,
ring of the phone,
another abandonment

Leaves me with
more
"should" haves and "could" haves
How can I
FIX this
*
FIX ME
So that It will be alright again
the cycle
the turning of the worm

That tis all
Please feel free to post and be a harsh critic or validator :)

In Peace
K

Dear K, unfortunately the victim learns the abuser's tricks all too often... Dr. Irene

I want to read the posts.

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