|
|||||
|
|
|
|
|
Abusive
Behavior - Your Survey Results
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
By Wayne L. Misner |
Get Wayne's book on Amazon (right), or get a signed copy direct from his site, www.MenDontListen.com. He will ship same day! |
| Dear Readers, A few months ago author, consultant, and
frequent contributor-to-this-site, Wayne Misner, asked readers to reply to an abuse survey. He promised to collate the data
and write an article based on his findings here. Well, he's delivered!
Wayne did a great job, and he tied in a whole bunch of stuff; there is lots to look at and think about here.
What this survey is and isn't:
For those who really want to know, if we were to follow a more rigorous scientific method, we would ensure, for example, that each reader of DrIrene.com took the survey, or every third reader took the survey, etc. to ensure an even distribution of the population at DrIrene.com. Better yet, we would would sample participants with abuse experience from a broader population than just Dr.Irene.com! Then we would statistically pre-test each question for relevance, bias, etc. Then (whew!) we would tally the results and perform statistical analyses that would tell us the likelihood that any result was "real" or a chance occurrence. Then (double whew!) we would look to replicate our results by performing the same test elsewhere, probably several times. Then we could say we have results! (Bored yet?)
All that said, Enjoy! Great job Wayne! Many, may kudos and many, many thanks! Dr. Irene |
|
May 15, 2005
First, I must thank all of you for participating in filling out the questionnaire. Second, I must thank Dr. Irene Matiatos for granting permission to use her web site Http://DrIrene.com. Also, she gets credit for programming the questionnaire and helping me with designing it. I compliment all of you for candid answers, which I must believe were painful for many of you. I believe everyone was very honest with their answers. If you cannot be honest with yourself, how can you expect anyone else to be honest with you? Great job!
It's very possible the questionnaire can be skewed in various ways. For a number of reasons more women have filled out the form. It’s possible that men who have been abused may be too embarrassed to admit it. Mirroring the old joke of men not asking for directions, it seems they don’t ask for help either. I must give credit to all of you who were willing to admit you were, or are abusers. The first step of “The Twelve Steps of Domestic Violence Anonymous (VA)”, which I wrote for this article is, “We believe that we have abused and hurt those we love.” Facing the fact you have been the abuser, and admitting it to not only yourself, but to others, starts you on the path to change and become accountable to your friends and family.
Domestic abuse is a reality. Being disrespectful, verbal abuse and violent behavior are part of many families and partnerships. Domestic violence, unfortunately, is not just men being violent. The Department of Justice (6) reports that every 37.8 seconds a man is battered somewhere in the United States. Every 20.9 seconds a woman is battered. In J. Kasper’s article, Parenting Rage - Leashing the BEAST Within(9) , each day in North America, 3 children die from child abuse and 13,700 children are abused and neglected, according to the Children's Defense Fund. The questionnaire answers indicated that both men and women (and in some cases children) were the abusers. Here is just one example of the many that were submitted: “You see, the abuser is my brother, who lives with my mother, and I am trying to keep the family intact based on the request of my mom, who has Parkinson's and has recently become mentally and physically incapacitated.” Topcondition.com (7) states, “Children between the ages of 3 and 17 are the most violent. 20% of this age group actually abuses their parents. One quarter of all murders are committed by teenagers. 25% of young males have carried a weapon at least one day in the last month.”
Those that are/were abused, women, men, and children as well as those that witness abuse (which usually are small children), have damage that is long-lasting. The men and women (and children) who are abusers must acknowledge that their behavior is wrong. In some cases it is illegal, and if police are involved, they may lock up the abuser with or without the victim agreeing.
Percentages may not add up to 100% because of rounding. Total counts may differ because all questions were not answered on all questionnaires. I did not correct spelling or grammar on any of the comments submitted.
Now the answers from the questionnaire: The breakdown of the 100.00% who answered:
1. I am:
By far, most of those who responded are abused females.
The abuser = Domestic abuse or violence is between partners or any family members. It may be yelling, arguing between siblings, the abuse of an older family member(s), abuse of a friend, forced sex by a significant other, physical or emotional abuse of a child, and any type of violence among same sex partners. I witnessed a father yelling at his son who could not have been more than seven years old. As the father was yelling, the little boy actually started shaking with fear and wetting his pants. This father saw the child shaking and was shocked. He stopped. How sad he can see the results in a little boy but can not see that his behavior does the same thing to his significant other. This episode happened with the father, but it could just as well could have been with the mother; the results would be the same. No one ever deserves to be abused. Abuse is one method used for control. In reality it is a disorder of power as well. The purpose of abuse is to control the behavior of another person. It is very difficult for some abusers to admit not only to you but to themselves that they are abusers. Some are in a form of denial, and others believe they have a problem but don’t need or trust anyone. They believe they can fix the problem themselves so will not go to counseling, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc. They may be so insecure or afraid of what they will learn about themselves that they don’t want to face it!
Definition of - My question? = My question can be for any one of the following or a combination of them. It can be a composite of all these many areas:
You and I as the readers of the answers must interpret the answers given and I will ask My question when the answers don’t seem to fit.
What it is NOT -- it is not about assigning blame!
2. I am: The breakdown of the 100.00% who answered: (More abused answered the questionnaire from both groups.)
3. I am: The breakdown of the 96.96% who answered:
0.29% did not answer this question.
4. I am: The breakdown of the 99.51% who answered:
0.49% did not answer this question. MEASUREMENTS OF AGE
5. Do you feel that it is possible that your Intelligence Quotient (IQ) grew to adulthood, but your Emotional Quotient (EQ) was stunted? The breakdown of the 99.90% who answered:
0.10% did not answer this question.
38.92% did not answer this question.
Daniel Goleman Ph.D. is the author of Emotional Intelligence NY:Bantam Books (1995). Goleman’s point that Emotional Quotient includes self-awareness and impulse control, persistence, zeal and self motivation, empathy and social deftness has been accepted in many areas with today’s healthcare professionals. Dr. John Grohol's PsychCentral web site(11) states, John D. Mayer and Peter Salovey introduced the term to psychology in a series of papers. They suggested that the capacity to perceive and understand emotions defined a new intelligence. The Mayer-Salovey model defines emotional intelligence as the capacity to understand emotional information and to reason with emotions. More specifically, they divide emotional intelligence abilities into four areas in their four-branch model
Goleman divides up emotional intelligence into the following five emotional competencies:
Seeking
help: Counselors, psychologists and
psychiatrists are helping those with difficulty with low Emotional Quotient
(EQ). Our emotions help us to decide how much importance to put on each
piece of data we process with our feelings. Some people don’t know how they
feel at times; others may misinterpret what they think they are feeling.
With the help of a professional each feeling can be discussed and how the
person reacts or wants to react. It is imperative that people have the
ability to look closely at how and why they make the decisions they make.
Those that go into some form of counseling continually improve their E.Q.
Although improvement depends a lot on where you’re starting from and how
long you are willing to work on it.
0.59% did not answer this question. See all methods used below (1): Some examples -- Intimidation, coercion and threats, isolation, using family economics, emotional abuse, sex role privilege, using children, minimizing, denying and blaming.
8. When things go wrong, do you curse and/or call the other person names? The breakdown of the 99.51% who answered:
0.49% did not answer this question. See Emotional Abuse below (1).
9. Are you jealous? The breakdown of the 99.41% who answered:
0.59% did not answer this question.
Jealous insecurity can create accelerating stages of abuse. Jealously is a complex emotion. It is a natural type of protection when someone feels the threat of losing the person he/she loves and is attached to. Jealously is the fear of the loss of that person. Those that already have a low self esteem or/and insecurity start to panic inside. Fears of the other leaving or finding someone more lovable or they are cheating create an insecurity which some describe as panic or anxiety attacks. The attack is a sudden onset of intense anxiety, characterized by feelings of intense fear and apprehension and accompanied by palpitations, shortness of breath, sweating, and trembling. The jealous person holds on as the drowning swimmer does when the lifeguard is trying to save them. The swimmer in their panic may drown the lifeguard also. The more the jealous partner holds on, the more they drive away even the most loyal and loving partner they may ever find. In effect, they are about to drown the person who they need to save them. What a strange paradox. The fear of losing the one you love and want is the one you drive away. Some people in the past have told me that they started to cheat because the partner pushed them into it by accusing, controlling and the smothering them. Maybe it is their arms around your neck, bringing you under water to drown with them, that makes you let go and swim away. 10. What excuses do you use to explain your behavior? (choose as many as apply) The breakdown of the 79.61% who answered:
20.39% did not answer this question. Multiple answers were requested.
11. Do you tease or joke by saying hurtful things, and then say you were only joking? The breakdown of the 98.14% who answered:
1.86% did not answer this question. See Emotional Abuse below (1).
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
